Greater is the depth of sadness Than any height of gladness

Greater is the depth  of sadness

Than any height of gladness

Thoreau wrote that and I feel it right now with my dad having 2 strokes since July 2,2016, being paralyzed on his left side, unable to speak much but still enjoys when I bring him coffee or ice cream.  I love my dad and miss talking to him so much but it is still good that I still have him and I appreciate every minute.  The depth of my sadness is intense and doesn’t cease except when I am asleep.  And I sleep good thanks to the medicine that knocks me right out, and I sleep in till 9 or ten every day and I fall asleep by midnight.

Has any one else felt this sadness?



Am I just a lucky one? or are there more of us doing well?


Today I spoke to a reader who is struggling with a loved one with Schizoaffective Disorder who is not doing well and who is in my opinion over medicated by their psychiatrist.  As I was describing all I have done post diagnosis (got my Master’s Degree in psychology, work part time, manage a family, write a blog, and travel to name a few things I have accomplished since being diagnosed in 2008) and I felt very lucky that I am able to do so many things.  I know about a handful of people I have met through this blog who are somewhat able to live a productive life with this diagnosis but I would love to hear from more, either in the comments or email me and share your successes, please.  I want to give her hope and I know there are more of us “lucky ones” out there.

Don’t misunderstand me.  I have had my share of difficulties (3 hospitalizations, months of time off on disability, struggles with socialization, although not recently) but have been able to be more productive than not since being diagnosed.  Of course what helps too is that my immediate family including my husband of 23 years are patient with me and some of them are a great support especially my adult daughter who is moving out of state in July:(  Sure we will facetime but it won’t be the same.  I have had several years to prepare for her to depart though and have built a support system outside of her so that I won’t be as disrupted by her move as much.  I have an awesome, understanding psychiatrist, an excellent therapist (who I see on an as need basis), friends and my dogs who are there for me every day to help me with my anxiety.

I find I don’t really need to blog anymore as a way to cope, but I enjoy all the emails I get and the people I have met through this blog so will continue to blog my personal recovery from Schizoaffective Disorder.

That being said, I welcome any topic anyone might want me to expand on!

On a side note regarding my sign off with Pax, there is a precious saint I honor every time I write it.  Her name is St. Philomena and I ask for her intercession often to help me and my loved ones.  I recommend it highly to those who are Catholic or not!  Sadly we will not be visiting her tomb when we go to Italy but we are taking a day trip to San Giovanni Rotondo to visit the resting place of Padre Pio a modern day saint I have a special affection for also.




A surprise at work

Victoria here,

Hello to all!  Well after being back at work for a short period part time they have asked me if I can go full time if we get another grant!  I am not jumping into it but am so grateful that they like my work so much they want me full time.  I am grateful for a number of reasons.

1. That they consider my work to be quality

2. That I am able to work again

3. That I feel like I am making a difference in peoples’ lives again

4. That I am not psychotic or depressed

5. That I can handle this job thanks to excellent management

6. For all of you who continue to support me on my personal recovery from Schizoaffective Disorder

If that isn’t a good list I don’t know what is.

Back to my work, I like the idea of going full time but it will be a challenge and I have to consider what it may cost me.  I will need more help around the house and I must not let the bills go like before.  I am motivated to do this because currently I am working 3 days a week right now and the other 3 days I am at a loss what to do.  I get bored with hobbies I have been into in the past and can only blog so much if you know what I mean.  I hurt my back a month ago but prayed to St. Philomena and was healed.  Now I have to get back to exercise, I have no excuse really and have put on a little weight in my sedentary month.  Man if I look at a cheeseburger I seem to gain weight.  I must accept I cannot eat like a normal person does.  I must do my 2 shakes a day with a light lunch filled with fruits and vegetables and one snack which I enjoy.  I am a foodie but lately haven’t been obsessed with eating like in the past.

For my spiritual fulfillment I have really been enjoying Eckhart Tolle.  He has written several books the one that got me hooked was Stillness Speaks.  I highly recommend it as it quiets the mind and helps me to be more in the present rather than chasing every thought that comes in my mind.

Here are a few quotes from this German/Canadian spiritual teacher~

Not to be able to stop thinking is a dreadful affliction, but we don’t realize this because almost everybody is suffering from it, so it is considered normal. This incessant mental noise prevents you from finding that realm of inner stillness that is inseparable from Being.

ECKHART TOLLE, The Power of Now

When you become aware of silence, immediately there is that state of inner still alertness. You are present. You have stepped out of thousands of years of collective human conditioning.

ECKHART TOLLE, Stillness Speaks


He also has an online tv which you can get a free trial.  He is quite amusing and often laughs to himself which really cracks me up.

I also read a really good blog today on Tumblr from someone who is active in Nami and is doing really well sharing with others.  Does anyone know how to get more involved with Nami?

Thank you to all for reading my blog, making comments and all the emails from around the world.  I know this little blog has gotten over 5,000 views which may not seem like a lot in the grand scheme of the internet but it is a lot to me and I appreciate it so much.  I have heard from doctors and practitioners like me, people struggling and doing well, college students writng papers, and loved ones of those afflicted.  I appreciate every single email and comment.  There is not one comment I have not allowed which really says that this is a stand up audience and a great forum to share and comment safely.  Through this positive experience I have been so blessed and it has provided a place for me to share what is on my mind and has helped me in my recovery as a sort of outlet.  Many have shared that it has helped them too so it is definitely a symbiotic relationship:)

Bless you all,



P.S. If anyone is interested why I sign my name with Pax please ask me as I do have a story to tell about it, which I may write about in the future anyway but will sooner if anyone is interested.