Embracing my shadows…

Life is funny really, what may seem to some as the worse thing in the world, may be not what it seems but something else altogether…

It could be something awesome too and while I should focus on that as part of my f**ing new positive self talk suggestion. I find it tedious and completely unnecessary. So I will give you some of my darkness, my weirdness, my shadows.

I believe that I am the most special person to ever live.

I was told at age 8, sitting in the backseat of our family car, eyes fixated upon the bridge we were crossing and I heard very clearly, “You are special”.

And then at a much later time I was told the previous statement by Mary the Mother of God.

But I was actively psychotic so can’t really trust it but it’s there when I think of it and this is how I feel about it~

This is a huge burden or at least it used to be until this very moment. and I find myself trying to embrace this shadow, this embarrassment if it is true and the same otherwise. I can’t do it fully but I am moving in the right direction towards acceptance first and then to not hating it, and then to liking it (current position) and finally to embracing it, not there yet…

That being writ, I must confess it is pretty awesome at times when things happen outside of me confirming this to be true. God touching down at the perfect timing undeniably so. I was born on 10/16 at 10:16, my ss number ends in 7777. I have held the face of Mary in my own face, I was given the gift of schizophrenia in 2006, I earned my masters in psychology post-diagnosis in 2012. I went on disability permanent in 2015. I survived and actually thrived in 2020, but not working outside the home still and rightfully so.

When I try to work weird things happen but alas those are stories for another day.

It is time for me to go to my journal and my sacred space wherever I end up tonight in my home. I love my home. I am blessed to have a home. Was homeless once, another tale.

I like tales but must obey.

pax

Victoria

Part 2~interesting facts on my Schizophrenia love journey…

It’s all very odd but I guarantee you this is all true and all very odd.  I do believe we are all special on this journey but when things happen that one cannot explain it leads to further confusion and chaos in the mind.  So here is some more interesting and fun facts about my life…

  • born at 10:16 on 10/16 throughout the day it’s often common for me to look at the clock and catch this time.  oddly this blog I am writing started at 10:16 am
  • last 4 digits of my social security number is 7777
  • heard the words “You are special” when I crossed a bridge on a camping trip when I was 8
  • had much suffering in high school as I found my way into drugs and alcohol and was a pronounced Atheist at age 18
  • I’m from California but at age 18 I travelled solo to New York, New York to become a great actress which didn’t happen.  Ended up living on the streets, doing drugs and hanging out with other punk rockers until the death of a friend. Came home and went into rehab and found “God”
  • gave my life to Jesus
  • Met my husband two weeks later and began my life with him never far away.  he has not changed in all our marriage but we get along famously these days after 30 years of marriage.  I have changed
  • had 3 amazing children who are all grown now and I am proud of each and every one of them
  • at age 36 received the gift of Schizophrenia and I am aware of the exact moment and place where it occurred.
  • received the gift of tongues and healing somewhere in there

I am wondering though if through my mad existence if I had Schizophrenia all along my life.  Left out a bunch of stuff and after writing this part two feeling less special.

I also believe that each one of us is special and unique so that is good that I am not delusional about that.

These are just odd facts and I also believe that the devil has come into play somewhat throughout my life but that God has always had a plan for me.

things just work out no matter what

pax

victoria

Hope

 

I used to believe I was the most special person to ever live…

Well the proof is in the pudding as they say.  I can’t even work and my proud accomplishments are mainly having raised three beautiful children, have been married 24 years to the same man and that I take really good care of my parents who are elderly and myself through proper diet, exercise and keeping my house in order.  Nothing that others haven’t also achieved, certainly not much to think one is that special.

I have lingering thoughts that one day I will write a great book that will help many people but again that has been done.  So why do I still even for one second believe this could be possible???

I am no longer delusional nor do I receive messages from heaven like I did when I was psychotic. I used to miss it but now I am used to the quiet in my life and I like it this way.

So I take my medicine dutifully in the morning and at night and just try to get through each day, keeping up my obligations and trying to have a little bit of fun in the process.

But some days are still really hard and to be honest I hate those days.  But I have learned that the next day is usually brighter and better.  I know that I get stronger when I meet my obstacles head on but to be honest there are still days when I sleep in really late and sit in my computer chair and stare only getting up to feed myself and use the latrine.

But those days are fewer and farther in between.  I am learning to prep the night before and write out my goals on google keep and my phone and to not just get stuck at my computer mindlessly surfing the web or watching my favorite show.

So tomorrow is Sunday and I don’t work on Sundays due to religious beliefs to respect the Sabbath.  I actually have a fun filled day ahead of me so I am off to bed even though it is a little later than I should be getting to bed but I just really wanted to get these thoughts out in the universe whether anyone reads them or not.

Here’s to more good days than bad this next week.  I hope everyone is doing well and keeping the hope that sometimes things can only get better one day at a time!

Pax

Victoria

Delusional still? a conversation

 

Having SA is very hard.  Even on medication the voices stop but the delusions remain although to a much lesser degree.  I go about my days and constantly pray for God’s will for my life and naive as I am I expect God to guide me and some days it appears he does and others I feel without assistance.  Are these my delusions to believe that God will make his will known to me still?

When I was actively psychotic I had a direct line to God or so I thought.  He would give me messages mainly for people to change their lives and do the right thing and there were times when I was dead on as my spiritual advisor can attest to but there were other times when none of it came to be in fact things even turned out quite the opposite from what I thought was going to happen.

I sought help when my life became so dysfunctional that I was falling apart and was becoming unable to take care of daily tasks because I was receiving so many messages.  Ah, the quiet that came after my admittance to the hospital was great although it still took a while for the messages to stop coming.

One dear priest who I sent many messages to even when I was at UCLA has since deceased and I believe he is in heaven now watching over me in the care of God.  Dear Fr. Melito what do you say now?  Were you right to ignore me this child of God or were you supposed to become my spiritual advisor the way God directed you through me?  I will never know now that he is gone.  May his soul rest in peace, Amen.

But back to the delusions going away.  I guess they really haven’t but my life has become more manageable even boring to some extent.  I fulfill my duties as wife, mother and daughter and friend to the best of my ability but somehow I still feel I am a part of a greater plan that only God knows which he will reveal to me if not now then when I die.  So although some may classify me as still being delusional that I am very special, I can go about my life and find meaning in every day things like walking, gardening and reading and helping others.

I take my medication faithfully every day, the other day I think I missed my morning antipsychotic and I had a really bad day but I am not sure because I never miss a day and am not willing to stop taking it to find out if the messages will return.

Please take the poll below if you are so inclined.  I have to say yes due to the aforementioned mentality that still is a part of who I am.  I think many of us with this disorder do still suffer from delusions, for some reason the medicine stops the voices and hallucinations but the delusions seem to remain but to a lesser degree, no I take that back to a less interfering with daily life degree.

Pax

Victoria