A quiet poem tonight…

Gentle music

candles glowing

dishwasher running

kitchen tidy

with gratitude I complete another sober day, and it is back to AA that I have gone, it is the only program or way of life that helps me. I am a high functioning drinker. And with meds it just isn’t a good idea…I am here if anyone else struggles with this too?? Nothing bad has happened, except inside as I have turned to alcohol once again for a little while. But we must part, and good bye I say today and hopefully tomorrow too.

I have decided to start taking more of my cbd oil by goterpy. Because of other factors I have become a bit delusional again sorry to report. I cut back on my dosage to save money but it is worth it if these grandiose ideas go away. elusive dreams… that end in nothing but wasted time.

I am not in a good space but trying to look up. Not suicidal at all. Just wanting my life a certain way and it is not. I am all or nothing, no in between for me. Weirdly enough I do not hate that I have this disorder even when things go awry like trying to drink socially again. I didn’t have a drinking problem prior to getting schizophrnia/schizoaffective disorder.

My thoughts are on AA tonight. The magical solution. Let the brain washing begin. This brain needs washing. Amen. Thank you AA. I found a group I like that is called the spirit of the universe he he. Nothing but the best for me!

Working on books on Wednesday. Took a little needed break but back tomorrow if I can or Wed for sure if not. Writing helps me to focus, so I can’t wait to dig in! Still looking for help if anyone is interested.

I can be reached at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com for questions, comments, help to quit drinking or to help with the 7 Ebooks on coping during the pandemic with mental health. Have started on first 3 and aim to finish them by the end of March which will mark one year of lock down during this pandemic.

I did get some fabulous news on Valentines Day! But can’t share yet because I have to keep this secret in my personal life except with my dearest friend…

peace, love light and joy

Victoria

On pause…even this disorder lies in waiting…

This world 🌎 is so strange right now…my dad is dying, any moment now, and covid has changed everything! Zoom instead of people coming over. Ah so what? We were still together. Covid cannot stop love ❤️

I am avoiding many things right now: driving, social media, certain family and wine. In that order, but making sure I take care of myself. Sleep, food, water! Exercise is minimal but don’t feel like doing much.

I’m being gentle with myself the best I can ! Today is my baby boy s 22 birthday 🎂! My daughter and I made it special and even just helped him make a wonderful meal. Clean up is done and my dad didn’t pass on his birthday!

God is good! I am also taking a break from blogging the next part of the series negative and cognitive symptoms. But if you want to read past blogs about anything including the fore mentioned. Just use the search bar to the left of this pages title.

Will still check in but so overcome by grief I don’t know if this makes sense but even my disorder waits on hold . Very clear thinking about much but still some confusion too. No positive symptoms not even delusional. Going to start some new projects once life continues.

For now thank you for holding this space with me! Peace love light and joy 🥲

Pax

Victoria

Embracing my shadows…

For those of you who are new to shadow work allow me a brief intro. Basically it is learning about yourself, all parts, the good, bad and ugly and learning to work through them.

The ultimate goal is to embrace them.

I shall provide an example in my life.

I have an addictive personality. I have grown up my whole life hating this part of me. So in my shadow work I am learning to embrace this facet of my very being and in doing so have begun to become addicted to other positive things in order to let go of some unhealthy habits. I am back on the wagon with alcohol. None for me, instead I work out and activating those endorphins has made it easy. This is but one example.

Some things we can change but slowly over time I hope to become more aware of my own shadows so I can begin to know who I really am.

The last 6 months I have done a lot of internal work on my childhood and growing up with super strict parents. Feels great to be able to say that they did the best they could and I turned out ok some days, unmotivated others and some days like yesterday are pretty awesome.

Life to me is like a chess game. More on that later. I have a new obsession with the game chess. I play often late at night with my adult son. Very fun and great for the brain…

pax

Victoria

My mission statement at last…

Victoria here!  Greetings to all as I begin a new leg of my journey through recovery from Schizoaffective Disorder.

My mission statement was prompted as homework for my therapist and it was easy to choose my mantra,

“To do no harm to others or myself”

I’ve published a book recently call “Loving God, suffering and being in His will for all”.  It is available through Amazon and I plead if this book touches you in any way to please write a review and help more people learn about living with Schizophrenia and what it means to them, me and others not yet reached around the world.

I am currently doing well, but may change medications again shortly because the side effects of Clozapine are so numerous, weight gain, tremors in my hands, pain in my hands and other various parts of my body depending on the day, and tiredness which I combat with Nivigil but still am sleeping 12 hours a day or more.

I am also still awaiting a decision from permanent disability for the second time around this merry-go-round.  Filling up papers, asking others to write on my behalf and countless days still waiting for some good news on the home front.

I am trying to figure out how to generate some income through this site but am not sure how to go about it yet so must be patient.

I apologize for my lack of presence on the web  this past year…

Short recap~

My dad had a stroke July 2, 2016 which he almost died, then had another stroke later on and almost died again.  This all contributed to a major decline in my mental health and led to the abuse of alcohol and marijuana and cigarettes until my husband got very frustrated and kicked me out for my disease of addiction.

I prayed to God and ended up in the 12 step rooms and am happy to report I am now clean and sober and not even smoking cigarettes anymore.  Haven’t given up on sugar for now and unfortunately have gained some weight and love living a sober life.

My medications currently are helping with the delusions but I still believe some of them and have personally seen the hand of God move in my life when I am not in His will.

I am able to get much done recently mainly due to the fact that my middle child, my nana, moved home to help mom and even though she works two jobs I get to spend a lot of time with her which is always good.  I am grateful for all my three children though as each one of them helps in their personal way.

Recovery can be elusive at times and sometimes I feel like I am doing worse than before and the opposite at other times.  Life has its ups and downs so even though it feels like I am on a roller coaster at times I trust in God’s good will for me and all of creation!

God bless and take care,

Pax

Victoria

 

 

 

Seeing my therapist tomorrow for a tune up!

Well I decided to go for it and see my old therapist who is just wonderful!  I am looking forward to process several things with her mainly my loss of my father as he used to be, my worries for my frail mom and teenage son.

My psychiatrist will be happy for sure!

I feel I am doing pretty good with everything but know I can be doing even better!

I also have 30 days clean and sober today so that is a very good thing.  I have been getting a lot more exercise to combat cravings and it is helping and also getting out more, seeing people and taking care of business so that’s another benefit of not smoking pot any more.

The exercise really helps my moods to be more even.  Today I even got up early and got some exercise in although small it is hard for me to exercise in the mornings because I am groggy from the meds I take at night.  But today I pushed past the excuses and did some lunges and a walk around my house because the weather is rainy which I am grateful for here in California.

Don’t know if I mentioned but I have joined an art class which has a great community feel.  I love the art although I am not very artistic and having a new hobby gives me something to look forward to between hospital visits and helping my mom and son.  Having something for me is awesome!

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Pax

Victoria