Schizophrenia and DID disorder…

I am once again finding out about myself and it is a little scary. This is a different kind of post today because I am once again having an epiphany about my mental health.

But before I begin welcoming you to my mind I want to welcome my new followers with at least one of them being genuine. I so appreciate you all taking the time to read and learn and welcome comments or it seems to be emails is to be preferred. Feel free to reach me at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com . I answer all my emails so far and really love getting to know new people with concern over loved ones with Schizophrenia, Schizoaffective Disorder and now DID disorder which I believe I have had since age 13 or earlier.

What is DID?

 “Dissociative identity disorder (DID) was formerly called multiple personality disorder. It is a mental illness that involves disruptions or breakdowns of memory, awareness, identity and/or perception.” from Cleveland Clinic.

I have at least two distinct identities I can identify, one is very happy yet wild and one is very reasonable and disciplined. I can see pictures of me in both identities and it is very real. I struggled a lot as a teenager and I know it was from a very strict controlling environment growing up. PTSD or something like it. That and being adopted and being in three environments as a baby perhaps set it up.

The struggle is real for me though as I really don’t know what to do right now. Thinking about calling my pdoc for an earlier appointment to get diagnosed. Why do I want a diagnosis? For my disability case mainly. And to have someone confirm what I already know. And to get help but the help would be to do more therapy. blah blah blah, been there done that but not with this?????

And how I realized it was from attending those damn mental health groups where one participant had 32 identities! It is good to have an explanation but seriously I am so overwhelmed with grief right now.

My Schizoaffective Disorder is good right now though with the right meds and proper sleep and nutrition.

The worst part is that I don’t want to tell my daughter. I’m embarrassed to have yet again another problem. But it would explain certain things and she has always been wonderful. But my husband! Oh my!

This is weird to admit on here but still not giving up even though it is hard to look up right now.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Only human…

We can never achieve perfection, so why do I still seek after it elusively? My upbringing? guidance from above and beyond or just plain old inner drive? perhaps it is a combination of the three

I used to be a people pleaser but now I’m like nah I don’t want to go or better yet I love to say “really you don’t want to trust me with this and that whatever”. It lets them know my boundaries and I make no apology.

Now when it comes to being a grandma, well that is an entirely different story. I know and love that they will expect a lot of me, and I pray I do well. Life is precious! How I do pray for this new little one…

I’ve been gardening every day lately. Getting my hands dirty, feeding the soil, planting, watering, and more. Ah it does bring me such joy. I took it to the next level this year researching and bought a cute little journal for gardening notes. I actually tidied up my potting bench I got last year. How I like things tidy.

My laptop will be here soon. For now sharing with my daughters…She will be moving out soon which will be bittersweet. She’ll still be close by though…

Concert next week. Guess who????? My very own Jason Mraz in Orange County drive in! me and my daughter. Will be great.

Got my second vaccine today. Arm sore but no big deal. Very happy for things to get to a new normal and no longer living in fear of getting covid, but still taking the necessary precautions.

Busy week ahead. Lots of errands and an eye appointment and gardening in between. Hope you all have a great week!

peace love light and joy

pax

Victoria

My favorite hobby…

I am happy today because I made great progress on my garden. Gardening more tomorrow if my body can take it! I am not used to physical labor but had stupendous success today with a hoe and building mounds for my veggies. I have spent $200 so far on plants, edging and soil. Also planning a flower section to keep it pretty and learning about companion planting (which plants work well with each other). So far have asparagus, eggplant, zucchini, chives, tomatillos, peppers and 6 tomato plants (early girl and beefsteak)! I bought early girl tomatoes because my mom is always talking about how they taste the best and they are ready in only 50 days! I am taking extra care with 2 of them because my mom is excited to have some.

My mom is my best friend right now and my daughter too. I am getting used to not having friends after an intense friendship suddenly ended. It is hard to not think grandiose thoughts about it not being God’s will for me to have any close friends. I do have a few casual friends but am thinking that it is best to not have close ones. When I start spending lots of time with a new friend, strange things happen to end the friendship. This has happened since I was diagnosed in 2008. And it hurts so much for both of us when the friendship ends, especially being an empath or hsp (highly sensitive person). I can’t even read comments safely on Facebook because of their negativity affecting me.

I am obsessed with gardening and it takes my mind off of not having friends to hang out with! This is the happiest I have been in a while though so I am gonna ride this wave.

My garden is small but it suits us and it is manageable. I need to relax more out there but once I get out to the side garden I have so much to do but am managing by breaking the work down in small chunks. My daughter helped me weed, which is awesome! But my son who used to love gardening with me when he was young just isn’t interested. I tried to manifest it but it didn’t work. That’s ok though because we have been spending time together which doesn’t always happen.

My kids are 29, 26 and 22 and grandbaby on the way due in October! My daughter is planning to move out by fall so I am planning to dedicate her room into a guest/kid room for my grandchild! Got to see pics of the sonogram; the baby has doubled in size from last month:) And my daughter in law is hoping I will baby sit which I offered when they came to dinner and a movie last night. I offered and she shyly but happily said she was already counting on it.

So much joy right now!

Wishing you all a wonderful tomorrow!

peace, love light and joy

Victoria

Sunday pondering…

Good evening!

I’m a blogging on my phone tonight; a new laptop 👩‍💻 is on the way!

Fell into some regret today, some dissatisfaction with my way of doing things because I began to compare my way to others and that is never a good thing! I am me, the only me I know! I must do as I see fit with the many gifts God has given me.

I had a good weekend though! Not too much trouble 👿 but if I was perfect what fun would that be? I visited my dad which was hard but recovered today with some prayer , walking, gardening and taking a drive with my pup!

Much thought lately about my childhood; it was a strict one. Still affects me today. Journaling really helps me to discover current patterns that may stem from my upbringing. More will be revealed…

I’ve already mapped most of my week out and hopefully nothing interferes with my plans. Gardening, writing, walking and organizing my home cleaning schedule with the Tomm method. Excited about my week 😊🙏

Wishing you all well!

Pax

Victoria

Negative symptoms of schizophrenia and ginkgo…

As I have previously written, I have had a terrific breakthrough since last year dealing with the negative symptoms of schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder by starting to take ginkgo bilboa by way of Shaklee Mental Acuity. Well my discovery was totally validated recently when I stumbled across a study on different interactions with herbs and schizophrenia. Allow me to take you on my recent path.

I was googling honeybush tea and schizophrenia to make sure that it was recommended. Well I didn’t find the tea but it is a wonderful pick me up for those low moments in the day! Instead I found proof of the wonderful benefits of this herb for those affected with this disorder.

The title of the study is called Updates and Additions for Herbal Contraindications & Drug Interactions plus Herbal Adjuncts with Medicines, fourth edition by Francis Brinker, N.D. He or she writes, ” A systematic review of ginkgo as an adjunct to antipsychotics in treating chronic schizophrenia assesses 8 randomized, placebo-controlled, double-blind studies with 1033 patients enrolled, including 571 using ginkgo extract and 462 taking placebo. Ginkgo extract with antipsychotics significantly amelioreted [made better] total and negative symptoms, compared to placebo, with no distinguishable differences in adverse effects.” Guys beware though who take Risperdone with taking this supplement. I take Risperdone and have no adverse affects.

If you wish to read more about negative symptoms just hit my search feature to the left of the title of my blog.

I have much more to say about this but I’m tired so will post this and share more soon.

peace, love light and joy

Victoria

Updates on Mental Health groups…

Good evening!

Been stuck in my own head trying to wrap my brain around all the new groups I have been attending starting last week! I haven’t felt like blogging because of this and just haven’t really been in the mood. So tonight I lit a candle and am burning incense to inspire me. It’s working!

I want to share a few things I have learned so far and to share that it has all been the most positive helpful experience so far! These are the free mental health groups that I found and it is all virtual and local if things ever open up again I can meet the faces on Zoom. They do have a few in person groups but you have to wear two masks and I can barely breathe with one so I’m like nah. I’ll wait:)

The first class I attended was on coping with loss. Just three of us so very intimate. I shared my story about my dad still being alive paralyzed partially after some major strokes and how hard it is after close to 5 years living like this with my dad being alive but unable to talk to him because he sleeps so much:( The group was very sympathetic and I really liked learning that everything I am going through is normal for grief processing. I shared how I just don’t think about it or allow myself to, because it makes me so sad. This is ok! I thought it was wrong, forgetting about my dad, my heart and soul. But it is not. It is survival and an excellent coping mechanism

Next group was on dealing with depression and anxiety. What I got the most from this was that we need to use our wise mind. See diagram below. We all have a rational mind and emotional mind and balancing the two leads to using your wise mind. It has helped me greatly in making some pretty important decisions as of late. This is a DBT model if you are interested in learning more about using your wise mind.

Today I virtually attended a sound bath with crystal bowls. It was pretty cool and got me so relaxed that I have not done anything after until now! Would be better on a day when I don’t have a lot to do but it was nice to be relaxed for a few hours.

And last but not least was the DRA group. Dual recovery anonymous. Very interesting. It was a larger size than the others and there were three people who had been clean and sober for many many years. It gave me hope but I’m bummed because the class is only once a week and this week I have an appointment at that time:( It was also interesting because 4 people in the group myself included carried the dx of Schizophrenia and two of them were the ones with a lot of clean time. No nothing! I am inspired!

So that is the recap of what has been going on in my days. I try to only attend one group a day so it isn’t overwhelming. This week I plan to attend Intuitive eating and health; Increasing self-love and compassion; yoga and a couple more but I forget. I just have to organize my days around them so restructuring my time is a bit of a challenge but navigating it as best as I can.

I must be gentle with myself though and not get too overwhelmed by information but the groups aren’t demanding and they are very lbqgt+ oriented so it is a good mix of all types of people with all sorts of disorders. I’m glad I’m pretty good at not comparing myself to others. I am more on the vocal side but that’s just me. Some people are so quiet but often the same people are in each group so it’s nice to see familiar faces.

That being said though and I will say I have been journaling quite a bit lately and really discovering who I am. I am especially obsessed with my childhood and my upbringing. I’ve been making some connections lately which is great just don’t know yet what to do with the information. Perhaps one of these groups will help.

Hope this is helpful for ya’ll.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Life is short and long…

Found out today from a reputable source in the schizophrenia field that covid is especially dangerous for people with schizophrenia. She wasn’t sure why but I want to encourage you all to take good care😊 I got my first vaccine already so I’m happy about that.

I also like staying home. It’s wonderful to support local families in their endeavors to make money. Just bought some cute Easter 🐣 bags for all my loved ones! Delivered and all!

Happy Good Friday to all of you. It has been a somber day…

Peace love light and joy

Victoria

Late night musings…

Welcome to my mind where drama still exists maybe more than others, maybe less but for me it is not always a safe place. I get myself into trouble, not police haha. But around 2pm-3pm every day I get really anxious. I’m pretty good at figuring things out so am going to tackle this as well. Maybe some cbd oil, hate to take more anxiety meds but never abuse it so I will try cbd oil first and then if that doesn’t help take a half a klonapin. It really sucks. I’ll be having a great day and then wham I don’t know what to do.

I have tried various measures like planning my day out the night before and it has helped me to be more productive and organized but I am lost at that time. Anybody else experience a time of day like this of restlessness?

Anyway, today was a beautiful day in sunny California. Gardened with my daughter in the evening when it cooled down. It was actually 82 degrees here today!

Didn’t feel like writing my book today but still waiting for my editor to proof the rough draft but still much to do.

I am getting ready for Easter dinner for family on Sunday so much to do! I love having my close family over and especially with my pregnant daughter in law not able to entertain so it falls on me for now. I don’t mind. I have some flowers I need to buy and plant in a half wine barrel my hubbie found somewhere hehe. And I am painting my kitchen cabinets white with new black knobs. Red tulips on my black and white checkered tablecloth. I love order!

Another windfall of money came my way. I can’t believe it but put it straight in savings except for flowers! I have manifested this with and without hard work. I am now trying to manifest more connection with my kids. It’s working. I don’t care about money but do care about my loved ones. Going to make a donation to my favorite charity CureSZ and start a mutual fund for my future grandchild like my mom did for mine!

Balance is my mindset right now with everything. No more extremes I’m really gonna try. Today was great and terrible. Tomorrow I’m going for even keel.

Starting my new mental health program tomorrow on loss. We shall see!

Hope ya’ll have a great night.

peace, love light and joy

Victoria

Found an amazing program…

Good morning all!

I have to share a new program I will be trying out that is local to my area. I did not even know about this opportunity. They have classes for anxiety and depression, dual diagnosis, creative expression, peer to peer, and more. Even have a walking group in person but other than that it is all virtual. I will let you know how it goes as usual but wondering if every state/province/country has mental help services like this one in your area. Where I live it is 211 (USA) to find out about such resources. Not sure in various countries but good to check out.

In the past I have not been interested in joining groups but I feel I want to at least give it a try. Wish me well!

April hopes…

Gardening! Started today and it felt great except for the splinters I got in my finger…minor intrusion but dealt with it. My hope for April is to garden every day. Wake up and get out there. Feel the dirt in my fingers, spreading roots, watering, compost tea, cleaning up my potting bench and weeding, weeding, weeding! Without out the weeds it would present no challenge so I take this challenge and tomorrow will wear gloves. But seriously I want to have an awesome veggie and flower garden this year!

Eating more salads and veggies mixed in with favorites. Veggies won’t be ready for a while from my garden but planning to visit farmer’s markets and buy locally grown. More produce, no processed except rare and whole foods as much as possible. Limiting high calorie drinks and drinking mainly water with the occasional cup of joe.

Finish my first book! It is closer after much work this weekend. Submit very rough draft to my editor and hoping for some more movement on my part too. I’m liking it so far though so must take advantage of the times when the iron is hot and strike!

Walking! Must use treadmill or go on walk a half an hour a day for physical and more importantly mental or brain health. Spring is here so must take advantage of good weather and nice days:)

These are just some of my thoughts tonight about starting a new month before it even started. Ha ha. I love new beginnings if you can’t tell.

With the money that has befallen me recently, I am getting new glasses, seeing the dentist, making minor home improvements and saving the rest for a rainy day for surely it will come. Money sure goes fast! I am also keeping the search feature for this blog so be sure to check it out as many readers have been having fun at least I hope so:)

peace love light and joy

Victoria