Wow! So many good changes

Michelle here after a break from blogging. And to be honest I may not be a blogger anymore but time will tell.

Victoria was one of my parts with my DID disorder and since fully integrating about 2 weeks ago, I no longer feel her presence so I’m not sure of where I am headed with this blog but hopefully will shed some light.

So much has happened! And yet time passes slowly.

I have been hard at work on myself, my home, my gardens…all the people I love and my pups!

I still have many problems but I wake up each day and take what life brings and try to make the best of it. I don’t always manage well but that’s ok because I am human and not every day can be a great day.

Yesterday I was suicidal with a plan for twenty minutes. It hit me hard because I had had an awesome day prior, socializing with old and new friends and it was such an exciting day that when the next day hit and something bothered me, I just fell apart for a bit. But my daughter helped to bring me around but before that I thought about all my protective factors and knew I could never do that to the ones I love. But it scared me that I got so low so quickly…

Today was better but that was because I hung out with friends again and took really good care of myself ending the day with a hot bath and a blog.

Anyway, I will check in from time to time to explain how I integrated. Yesterday, it was the depressive part of my Schizoaffective Disorder that kicked in.

I am not drinking or smoking weed anymore and my life has gotten much better because of that. I am relying on 12 step programs to do this so it is awesome to make new friends.

I will end with a quote that really speaks to me.

“Fall in love with the masterpiece and also the paint on the floor” I might have messed it up but in its essence I think it means to love all of you, defects and good parts too. I am certainly trying.

~May you feel the source of all that is good be with you all today, tonight and for all your life to come!

No one knows how much I suffer with my schizophrenia daily…

Not going to complain but have realized that right now I am still delusional about certain things. Spirituality is not what I would say hard but seeing the hand of God a lot lately and some of it may be coincidence. Maybe all of it is. I probably need to check in with my daughter about a few things or perhaps my old therapist. I am finding it hard to touch down lately. Always floating in my own dissociated delusional world where no one but me can enter.

Paranoid about many things too. Taking things very personal. Lack of follow through. This is my life. Surrounded by many failures, many reminders of who I was before this fucking disorder.

Socialized today with my mom, brother and sister. It was fun! My mom treated us to dinner and drinks and I had a fun non-alcoholic one. Too much food though. But the best part was that this was so rare for us to eat together again. The one thing my parents did right was dinner every night at 5. It was cool when my brother tossed his eaten shrimp tail on my plate. So comfortable. And I stole some of his fish n chips. My sister goofed off with silly photos and we all had a good time. Didn’t even feel disordered for a few hours. Then I came home…

To face my reality. I wish I could be with people more. It is nice to socialize again.

I have stopped watching netflix. The dramas are just not where I want to spend my time when I eat alone, which is pretty much all the time. So instead I am watching documentaries. Current one is on King Tut. I might have done a report on him in grade school. It’s fascinating to learn cool facts I am re-remembering or learning brand new.

So even though I am pretty good right now despite this disorder, I have been having my breakthrough last. When I remember what I learned Monday I smile a little smile. It is a smile towards God for new beginnings. Do you ever wish you didn’t have a memory? I remember the stupidest things that haunt me. Mistakes, missteps. roads I shouldn’t have taken. But in all this God I believe still has a plan for me and all of us. What it is I still know not…but trust in the Source that is all good and almighty!

peace love light and joy

Victoria

My mellow mind tonight…

The stage is set~

Incense burning, dog on the bed eyes half open, Simon and Garfunkel tonight for music, window slightly open for a gentle yet cold breeze, candle burning for my dad and all my loved ones.

There has been a shift today in my favor…

I went to an AA meeting at noon. I have tried it before and it has kept me sober for many years, but I stop going after I get bored and end up drinking again. This time I have a different mindset though. I am sober today but know I will drink again, hopefully I won’t but I have been around the program so long (12 years) that I must be real. Possibly with further integration I will be able to die sober one day. 😊 That is my goal mind you but I am being realistic this time. Cunning baffling and powerful alcohol is and I respect it and anybody who drinks. But for me it is not good so going back to another meeting tomorrow, visit with my mom and dad and a road trip to Morro Bay by myself!

My youngest (22) went on an adventure to Sedona, Arizona for a few days so it inspired me. Tonight, I went with my hubbie to watch the sunset at our favorite spot in Pismo Beach, Ca. Was picturesque. Heck I’ll show you!

This is a pretty good shot for a phone camera don’t you think?

The ocean holds a special place in my heart for it was there that I first believed in a power greater than myself. So it was fitting to spend some quiet time there tonight with my hubbie.

I also joined a new spiritual master class starting this Wednesday. It is 7 weeks long and explores Eastern philosophy with Western psychology! Sounds like right up my alley.

Hope everyone is adjusting nicely as the world reopens. It is nice to get out again I will admit but is also a little scary.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

The ebbs and flows of life…

Am I numb now? I think not. Visited my dad today with my mom and was a good visit. Yesterday was the 5 year anniversary of his strokes…that is all I wish to say about that. Haven’t found comfort in the bottle lately over the past five years of his almost dying many times. I’d rather be sober lately which is much better…

So even though I am very sad about my dad I am in the middle of planning a huge baby shower for my daughter in law and it is going well. As she is growing, and many wonderful changes are occurring to her body, I am also adjusting and trying to accept myself more to be the best grandma I can or know how. I’m pretty good with kids I think and they like me so can’t wait. Today was spent washing a large box of baby girl clothes. Some really cute clothes I found on facebook that were given to me for free.

I have been watching old videos of my kids when they were young and seeing myself before I got schizoaffective disorder is trippy! I am learning to accept myself in many aspects that have been a struggle for most of my life. This includes accepting my body. I would rather be happy and chubby than skinny and psychotic. So I accept that I just have to take this medication that helps but causes these side effects.

I am also sometimes loud and obnoxious although I think I have mellowed with age and being on meds.

So I accept my life for what it is; imperfect yet fun, challenging but interesting. Good and bad and everything in between.

Wishing all my American followers and happy 4th of July! And I also believe it was Happy Canada Day (hope I got that right).

For further inspiration check out this newer blog started during the pandemic of black and white photography. It’s really cool so check it out here to be inspired.

Peace love light and joy

Victoria

My attempt at a poem…

Angels to fly

Beyond the sunset

ever reaching for God of the unknown

ever wanting connection

connection is elusive

still trying

covered in white

seeking with all that I am to reach the eternal source of all that is good!

What am I waiting for?

I do not know

It is within my grasp..

only have to lift my heart and my soul

off I go.

Daisy daisy, God is good!

Credits to ed Sheeran my listening tonight, hearts don’t break around here.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

What if I don’t trust my psychiatrist anymore?…

Bottom line, trust has been broken, and just took an assessment of previous appointment for tomorrow’s appointment. I checked that I was not happy with the last appointment. We shall see what he says about that.

I’ve been with him since 2008, 13 years, with just a minor break when his team didn’t inform him I was suicidal. He called me himself and apologized. He has been great with my schizoaffective disorder but is lacking with the DID so thinking about switching. But it’s complicated as usual…

I get free meds from him, but do I even want those meds? I have skipped the second dose of Latuda for a few days and notice nothing. Wondering if I need to be on Latuda even? I guess tomorrow when we meet I will address these concerns. If he isn’t willing to adjust, I may have to switch. Spent my afternoon getting referrals to other psychiatrists. That is the one good thing about covid, everything is virtual so I am not limited to my area but am looking in LA. Ewww Beverly Hills even. haha another delusion for me.

I wonder if it is a delusion for me to stay with what has worked for 13 years or to take on a new pdoc? It is scary!

Today I wish I could say goodbye to that part of me that has schizoaffective disorder…I can wish can’t I?

Been paranoid a little lately. Always something going on to make me suspicious. Anyone else?

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Healing journey cont…

This quest I am on involves many things as there are many facets to my disorder. Tonight I am saying goodbye to Storm (the part that doesn’t give a fuck). I have learned many things about Storm and her reason for being one of my parts. But we are safe without her so it is- see ya later Storm…

I see my pdoc on Thursday. I am also looking for a new one as this one doesn’t know anything about DID disorder and I am questioning if I am on the right meds for my Schizoaffective Disorder. I am checking with my insurance for an in network provider to see if I can save money too! I’m tired of the side effects and feel like a broken record.

Been active these days, walks, gardening and stretching. Feels good. Counted calories for half a day and got bored. I know what I need to eat so must plan better.

Now I would like to share my self-integration so far. I had 15 parts and am down to 10, if Storm goes. Lost one, little one, Francis (hard-worker), secret one and Storm are now no longer active parts of me. When they try to resurface, I gently (except must be forceful with Storm) ask them to leave and I distract myself as best as I can until me and the parts of me that I am allowing to stay (for now) and connect with all of us in any way I can. This feels safe.

I was moving a bit too fast because that is what I like to do. Impatient one I am figuring out too even as I blog… it seems like the secret to self-integration is to be really present and aware of why they developed and what they need to go away. Hope I am making sense!

Hope all of you are well~

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Late night musings…

My nana is a ray of sunshine wherever she goes. The quote I like best is by Henry David Thoreau ” and wherever she went it was spring” to this blog tonight I dedicate this post…

She is moving out this year, God willing… I will be happy and sad at the same time. She drives me nuts but doesn’t know it ha ha, master actress here. And she also provides so much support and care with whomever she is with and sometimes it is me.

Today we went on a walk and it was needed. I need that time to help her decompress with her demanding job and hunt for a condo. I don’t want my 22 yr old son to move out with her but haven’t expressed my opinion to anyone but I don’t think it is a good idea for several reasons. Been praying again and praying now for God’s will.

This Thursday I see my pdoc and have my list of things to discuss. The Risperdal side effects, the need for a different anti-anxiety med and my did disorder. We shall see how it goes but please send positive thoughts my way on Thursday or anytime. I shall return them to you all with gladness and hope.

Good night!

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Healing journey…

I am on a quest, once again. And nothing will stop me unless the Universe demands it of me…

I have much work ahead of me but am piecing it all together and it is starting to make sense. To unravel my brain is not easy but recognizing patterns, coping mechanisms and reading inspirational works really helps. I am also willing to be honest with myself and although I am my biggest critic am learning to be gentle with the parts of me that I am asking to leave.

My past is of no matter anymore except when it serves me to think about why I have one of my parts. My part called Storm, who doesn’t give a fuck about anything, is the one I am really discerning why this part comes up. I believe that it stems from when I was a teenager and had controlling parents. I did things I am not proud of but I was under the influence of heavy illegal drugs and Storm was actively present.

Yet all the crazy things I did were with measure but still extreme at times. I lived on the streets of New York at age 18 and it was insane. I would walk around bad parts of Lower East Side Manhattan at 2am and act like I was crazy so people would leave me alone. I am just now remembering some of it. When a friend, Carrie a 14 year old runaway from New Jersey died in a fire I came home, went to rehab and began my life as a mother and wife. I wasn’t disturbed at all with mental issues raising my children until I got Schizophrenia when my kids were 8, 12, and 17.

But this f’n medicine with so many side effects helps but yet I wish I didn’t have to take it. Weight gain is my current sadness. Today was a fun but sad day. We spent the afternoon at my sister’s, our first time hanging out over there since her husband passed in November 2020. My sister pulled out all the stops and it was an oasis retreat with her pool and cabanas. We haven’t been invited over there for years. Not sure why but perhaps it was because they needed that time for each other and now that my sister is on her own is really enjoying family.

I also bought my first baby clothes for Sofia, my granddaughter due in October! Little pink tie dye onesie and little jeans with booties with lemons on them which my dil loves. Fun times today for sure!

This healing journey is long but I am ready, I think.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Distractions can be helpful or harmful…

Right now I am fighting the urge to drink. So far I am winning but it is an obsession today when my daughter is away.

Minor annoyances occurring and it seems like a drink will solve all my problems. But I made a reminder card today why I can’t drink and reading it helped but praying for the urge to pass.

Distractions for this can be very helpful. I have been … gardening, which is helping and I made my to do list but right now don’t feel like doing any of it. Gardening in the sun wears me out but I’m never out there for more than a half an hour at a time.

I did visit my dad today with my mom and he was asleep for the most part but had good color. Still not eating. Still knowing every visit might be my last. But it takes a toll and is probably why I want to numb out with alcohol.

Distractions can also be harmful though by not dealing with whatever is causing the urge to drink or to deal with my integrating. It’s all together really as I continue to make connections along the way. Today was going to work on myself while driving but didn’t. I must focus on the road but it was interesting that that was my go to plan because couldn’t figure out my daughter’s car radio. Tonight will use distractions to get the house in order and tomorrow will plan on dealing with why I reach for the bottle and some integration. I am doing all of this on my own and the help of God. I’ve got to figure this shit out.

Tomorrow my hubbie is supposed to start working on my vw squareback that I’m be cruising around town in! We shall see as the bathroom needs attention with the sink. It’s his only day off so hate to push him but I really need a car to visit my dad and bring my mom on her good days. God has a plan and I am obeying.

Yesterday was a hard day because of the scammer. He continued to reach out on Facebook, but I reported it all and they took it all down. Did my part anyway! But was cycling through little one, lost one and saint one. In the end I won. Thank you God!

peace love light and joy

Victoria