Feeling groovey…

This is a lighter post tonight. Life has been heavy lately and I have finally gotten a break!

I’m doing ok, maybe a little better than ok at times and tonight has been good. A much easier day than yesterday. Ate some artichokes which I haven’t cooked for years. They remind me of childhood, so much work! But good in the end…

I did spend a lot of time with my daughter today so that certainly helped. Hubbie is gone and yesterday was yesterday but it got me really appreciating him with his loudness and messiness. I miss him! Talked to him today but couldn’t really hear as it was noisy on his end. Looking forward to his return and my dogs miss him too! He has good energy…

I have been enjoying the two new books and it is a fight over which one I will read next. I’ve been a little lazy with hubbie gone. But he’s relaxing so I don’t feel bad. The house is tidy but as usual dishes in the sink. I have gotten in the practice of doing them at night so I can wake up to a clean kitchen so off I will go in a bit.

I am excited for this Sunday. I am going to go on an in person outing with my friends at Safe Haven 20 miles away. It should be fun but trying not to get too anxious about socializing with these new people in my life. We are walking to a touristy coffee shop, so I’ll get some exercise in as well as some socializing not on Zoom! The world is opening up. Do you feel it too? It’s a bit scary for me but not going to muse about that tonight.

Gardening tomorrow is planned and visiting with my mom and dad:) Also working on downloading the digitized memories I got after sending in 14 mini video tapes from 29 years and more recent like ten years. I used imemories and after everything it cost me $150 Us dollars. I haven’t watched them all but it will be a trip down memory lane. The little I have watched has been wonderful of my children when they were little and not so little.

It’s amazing how much we forget. So much is constantly happening with periods of rest and relaxation.

This is making me think that I need to really make the most of my time on this earth. There goes the light post! Sorry but it is my mind! I choose life, I choose hope, I choose love, love, love.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Midnight peace…

Hubbie is away so Im gonna play….

Took a late night shower and all ready for bed but drank coffee late so have a few minutes to share my latest ponderings…

Life is short in the grande scheme of everthing; but it is long too as is the case of my dad and mom. I’m prepared but I will be rich too, all the same, I don’t want them to die although I have accepted it as inevitable and have made peace with God and them.

So why am I stuck in my childhood? Been doing a lot of thinking about it. There was good. I excelled in school and was often the teacher’s pet, but I didn’t mind because I craved attention and approval from wherever I could get it. I would adopt my friend’s moms and always pleased them, it was so easy to get approval from everywhere unless my mom would ruin it somehow. Even today I don’t share all my good news because she always looks at the downside.

I force myself to look at the bright side and to almost always be kind especially with this pandemic. People are starting to feel comfortable again. I’m not ready but with upcoming travels will be forced. I know the pandemic has affected my mental health as it was a few months in when I noticed the first identity front (be most present). It scared and confused me.

And now I am at peace tonight. I am not thinking the negative reel tonight. I am thinking of heaven in a non suicidal way. We are all homeward bound. Of that much I know. Yet, spirituality evades me these days. Absent is my religion; active is my music expansion and netflix addiction of Grey’s Anatomy. Now there’s some drama…

Anyhow, off to bed I go wishing you all adieu

peace love light and joyy

Victoria

Spread the love…

This is my mission today despite whatever…

Spreading sunshine in the garden today was lovely. I played fetch with my pups and watered the flowers and some of the veggies. I woke up to a dreary day, with a nightmare to boot. But the sun came out and enjoyed it on my face.

It is not hard to love people, but it is hard to like them at times I have found. And the people we are with the most we find the most irritating. This is where I am at today.

I typically love to spoil my family. But today I am feeling depleted of energy to overlook our shortcomings. Reminders of failure forever beckon my mind as I push them out with “shutup”. Maybe I need to be more kind to them too but my negative nelly aka my mind fights hard to stay on track with a healthier way of thinking.

I am trying though to stop all negative thought reels that forever play in my mind on days such as this.

How do you stop from negativity getting the best of you?

Off to find inspiration somewhere!

My key on my car broke so towing it to the dealer 30 miles away (ouch). Our bad because we should have had a spare key many moons ago.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

the bane of my existence just got better…

So with all that has been happening, I no longer believe this will be an easy year.

I’d like to think that it will, but it is soooooo hard.

So I have decided to really get obsessed with fun things, for starters it’s my daughter’s birthday month so fun times planned with her and father’s day. A small party over here with all who love her the most and good grub! Already began the spoiling, special treats, presents and new garden furniture (only $100 used off Facebook) where she can work at when she is home working and where I will be relaxing too. It gives me great joy this month that I get to bless her with something every day. May be a note or sticker. It makes my days funner.

And today I decided that I am going to throw the baby shower for my daughter-in-law! It is going to be Luau style withh a pig cooked in the ground and everything! I am a little nervous as I have never thrown a baby shower before and I don’t know if it is my place but no one else was stepping up and mom to be was starting to plan it and I just want her to enjoy it all! I didn’t help with my baby showers at all! I will be calling in my sister in law who is more like a sister, who has probably thrown over a hundred. She will be a great help.

So now that I have projects that I truly enjoy I am no longer suffering as much. We are also going to Hawaii in September, staying in my sister’s timeshares. And then baby to be born October. Much good!

Oh there’s plenty of stuff to complain about but I choose to focus on the good. I might visit my dad today, which is never easy, but glad to have a little more time with him.

Enjoy your Sunday!

peace, love light and joy

Victoria

I’ve never wanted an easy life but a break every now and then would be nice…

I do get breaks don’t get me wrong but it seems lately that I am constantly putting out fires as my dad would say.

I have been severly depressed, stressed, and to top it off trip to doctor for “massive bladder infection” said the doc. Feeling like crap but better today a bit so back to writing for me.

Writing is a good friend if that makes sense. Haven’t been journaling at all because I was taking care of my son’s dog who finally went home after two weeks. A huge 9 month old puppy! So relieved…

I push through despite the constant fires I have to put out. My husband is awesome thankfully and rolls with all the punches pretty well. I have not shared with him my DID disorder diagnosis. He can barely handle if you can call it that my Schizoaffective Disorder, but because it is well managed, I know that helps everyone. I do not stop taking my meds no matter what!

I had to run an emergency errand to bring medicine to my mom today when all I wanted to do was chill. So I chose to make it fun and it was. After getting it to her, letting my sister know she had it, and taking a deep breath, I went to Dutch Bros which is a local new coffee spot that we treat ourselves to when things are getting better. It also happened to be my daughter’s birthday month so I spoiled her and her coworker to coffee which helped them get through a lawyer thing. So cool! They appreciated it in spades and I enjoyed my drink as well.

Came home, air fried some chicken with mac n cheese for my son and myself then hung out with my husband a bit and then with him and his friends. They have bbqs over here every Friday night and now that I am vaccinnated I am trying to be more social.

Back inside after longer than usual but can only hear about cars for too long! I have a pile of dishes and laundry but there’s later as the night is young here in California.

Wondering if life will ever settle down but with a grandbaby on the way it may not.

I’d say the best thing I did for me today was to turn a difficult situation of having to help my mom and not feeling great myself and choosing to celebrate my daughter and get over social anxiety at the bbq.

Have a great weekend everyone

peace love light and joy to all!

Victoria

Oh love in sadness…

I am filled with joy 🥲 tonight after a pretty good day! Joy that I am visiting my dad again easier now that COVID restrictions have lifted. He’s still on hospice but every moment I get to spend time with him is a precious gift to both of us.

Joy that my new therapist is helping me already! Just saying it all to a professional was a great release of all my frustration over the past month!

Joy that my son and daughter-in-law will be back tomorrow and pick up their puppy.

Joy that my newest book “ A Year without fear” by Tama Kieves which is 365 days of 5 minute mind set shifts, is something I am enjoying. One nugget I got was to choose a new comfort. So I did. I did a yoga class today and took my pup on a half hour walk. I also played a little in the garden 🪴

This is progress as I actually almost enjoyed the movement of yoga but learned I like to do my own thing too. And the walk was perfect 👌 made a healthy dinner tonight and ate all my veggies!

I can see the light again and it feels good 😌

Peace love light and joy

Victoria

Soolamen…taking me home

I am drinking tonight after a day of realizations. I have been busy in many ways and I am happy to report that I have a new therapist who specializes in DID disorder. I definitely have it. I won’t write about it on here too much but today was fucked up again so I sought help. We shall see if this therapist pans out. I watch for signs and the last assessment I had scheduled got canceled twice due to other pressing matters. We shall see.

I started a blog on DID disorder today and it was beautiful with dark colors and flowers but I decided that it is not where I wish to blog. I shall remain here ever as your servant. For better or worse I will blog because I am compelled to in so many ways. It helps me firstly, and the activity shows me that others are reading my blogs and liking them so I know I am reaching others. But a part of me wishes I had all the answers. I don’t unfortunately.

Looking at my past has really stirred up a lot of emotion. My parents did their best. My mom provided many activities but was lacking in the emotional arena. I love her though with all my heart even though right now I am not talking to her a lot due to many different reason. Tomorrow we are visiting my dad so send positive thoughts please!

I was really fucked up today mentally due to untreated DID disorder. But I have hope for Monday. I wish to integrate but losing my identities is also scary because they are a part of me and I am used to them. Michelle, the host of the system, is excited about the new therapist and getting some help. She needs it. Sorry if this is confusing but my real name is Michelle. Victoria is a pseudo name but was also the name my birth mother gave me when I was born so not too far off.

Brief history for anyone who cares. I was conceived by an unknown father, my birthmom struggled with keeping me or giving me up for adoption to a Catholic home, which she did, but the home I first went to was with a woman who was diagnosed with a terminal illness so I was removed and placed in an orphanage and later adopted by my mom and dad. My mom was unloving,, unkind, strict and controlling to say the least. This is how I split at an early age and rebelled as a teenager to say the least again.

That is all for now!

Except for tonight’s song, Soolaman by Neil Diamond here. I am obsessed with this song tonight.

pax

Victoria

Happy National Schizophrenia here in the USA~Special celebration blog…

I celebrate because I have not taken my life. I may be like the moon evermoving but yet always there for me, my readers and all my loved ones. I choose life over death and actually enjoyed my day despite more drama around me.

I am puppy sitting for my son and daughter in law who are pregnant, due in October! Zelda is 9 months and is huge as it is a golden lab. I love Zelda and am training her. I have her two weeks and we are already making progess nicely…

But it has upset my routine but I find myself today and yesterday open to new interactions, today talked to a gal at Safe Haven and we always enjoy each others conversation. Today we discovered we both have acting pasts. I am going to hopefully attend a new drama class that should be fun!

We have to have fun when we can because otherwise life would be too dreary. I listen to upbeat music and my latest obsession is Neil Diamond. So far I love these songs all on Youtube. Cherry cherry, Beautiful noise, you are the sun I am the moon, Holly Holy, Girl youre gonna be a woman soon and more. His concerts are the best and he led such an interesting life it is fun to get to know him through his audience performances. He actually danced with Princess Diana!

Anyway, bottom line~ Having Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder sucks at times but by reaching out and getting help in 2008, I changed the course of my life. I was psychotic for two years. It was a strange scary and exciting time. Religion was everything to me. And that is all I shall say about my experience with Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder. If you are interested feel free to use the search engine next to the left of my blog title especially the Gift and my bio.

Thank you all for the likes and positive comments and emails. This journey that I have been blogging about my personal recovery from schizophrenia (9 years now) really has been fun and interesting getting to know all of you whether I read your blogs for a while or we corresponded at one point. I look forward to the next 9 years.

pax

Victoria

My never ending tool kit for those kind of days….

After my last episode, I decided to develop a toolkit of sorts so that the next time that I am not ok I can refer to this list and remember what helped last time. I am doing this in question format so that the sane me can help the future me that might not be ok;) Feel free to reblog or use at your pleasure. No credit is needed.

Are your basic needs met? Hygiene, food, water, coffee, little sugar, warm enough, comforts in proper order?

Are you cold? Take a shower or bath depending on the time of day and my energy level as baths take much more energy and time.

Are you bored? Can you go garden as it gives you so much pleasure? Dress warm or wear a hat and put on your gardening shoes. Just watering, or deadheading the flowers or soaking up the sun…

Have you checked in with your support team? Which for me is now growing and I am always looking for new people to add that I can help or they can help me. An old friend I have known for ten years and who has seen me at my best and at my worst without any judgment came over today and we spent time in my garden.

This is the beginning of my list. And I will be adding more tomorrow as it is a special day!~

It is National Schizophrenia Day tomorrow May 24th so I will be posting a special post in memory for all who suffer from Schizophrenia or Loved ones and for those who help us and those who fight for us against the stigma especially.

peace, love light and joy

Victoria

Ahh a new day…

Yesterday I am writing off as just a bad day for me mentally. They happen…

Several days but who is counting.

Bottom line I reached out for help, simply saying~I am not ok to my daughter and her whisk into action. My saviour. I normally would have my best friend to help balance me out but alas we are still not talking. A text here and there expressing our love but knowing the memorial coming up causes me to wish to reach out to her. I pray for a sign but it is so complicated as most things in my life.

When one is a people pleaser life can often get messy. I try to please everyone even myself. I do not burn out often but this week was just too much I guess and I needed a break and a bit of exercise yesterday, which lifted me up and much more today, gardening and cleaning all day with breaks. I got a sunburn gardening but I do not mind because it helps me remember how good it feels again to start to enjoy a hobby.

I read a quote recently that said~ choose courage over comfort~ I choose both because I have to. One good thing that is coming out of this latest episode is that I am learning to set boundaries. Today for example, I was going to get food for my husband and his workers/friends and I told him it would be a while because (didnt explain to him though) I was perusing my local record store for some new vinlys, yes, my latest obsession, Neil Diamond! It took longer than I anticipated as I was having such a hard time deciding because there were so many! I am going back tomorrow!

I am learning from my sister who lost her husband in November to think ahead. Not doom and gloom, but preparedness for possible triggers. For her it is her grief; for me it is being stable. I am going to be a grandma. I have to be ok. I do not pressure myself though but feel I am making progress with 10 steps ahead and 3 steps back. At least I am getting somewhere, where I do not know.

But it was a good day! Not just because I got a lot done, I got a lot done because I felt better after sharing my difficutlities. I hope and pray all of you have more people than I do to rely on. I am down to my daughter, my mom (limited)) and my newest friend from Safe Haven who calls or emails the days she is working. Poor thing, my life is crazy. The ups and downs of the last few weeks has been incredible and she is my main go to lately. I also have my new old therapist. We are supposed to start inner child work this week. Wish me luck! I like her and she knows much of my pain and grief and is experrienced in dealing with traumatic childhoods.

May is almost over! I havent met my goal to blog about mental health awareness month as much as I had planned but life. I have to take care of me and share as I am able. No apologies, no regrets.

Have hope dear readers and I bid you well wishes of peace love light and joy

Victoria