Late night musings…

My nana is a ray of sunshine wherever she goes. The quote I like best is by Henry David Thoreau ” and wherever she went it was spring” to this blog tonight I dedicate this post…

She is moving out this year, God willing… I will be happy and sad at the same time. She drives me nuts but doesn’t know it ha ha, master actress here. And she also provides so much support and care with whomever she is with and sometimes it is me.

Today we went on a walk and it was needed. I need that time to help her decompress with her demanding job and hunt for a condo. I don’t want my 22 yr old son to move out with her but haven’t expressed my opinion to anyone but I don’t think it is a good idea for several reasons. Been praying again and praying now for God’s will.

This Thursday I see my pdoc and have my list of things to discuss. The Risperdal side effects, the need for a different anti-anxiety med and my did disorder. We shall see how it goes but please send positive thoughts my way on Thursday or anytime. I shall return them to you all with gladness and hope.

Good night!

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Healing journey…

I am on a quest, once again. And nothing will stop me unless the Universe demands it of me…

I have much work ahead of me but am piecing it all together and it is starting to make sense. To unravel my brain is not easy but recognizing patterns, coping mechanisms and reading inspirational works really helps. I am also willing to be honest with myself and although I am my biggest critic am learning to be gentle with the parts of me that I am asking to leave.

My past is of no matter anymore except when it serves me to think about why I have one of my parts. My part called Storm, who doesn’t give a fuck about anything, is the one I am really discerning why this part comes up. I believe that it stems from when I was a teenager and had controlling parents. I did things I am not proud of but I was under the influence of heavy illegal drugs and Storm was actively present.

Yet all the crazy things I did were with measure but still extreme at times. I lived on the streets of New York at age 18 and it was insane. I would walk around bad parts of Lower East Side Manhattan at 2am and act like I was crazy so people would leave me alone. I am just now remembering some of it. When a friend, Carrie a 14 year old runaway from New Jersey died in a fire I came home, went to rehab and began my life as a mother and wife. I wasn’t disturbed at all with mental issues raising my children until I got Schizophrenia when my kids were 8, 12, and 17.

But this f’n medicine with so many side effects helps but yet I wish I didn’t have to take it. Weight gain is my current sadness. Today was a fun but sad day. We spent the afternoon at my sister’s, our first time hanging out over there since her husband passed in November 2020. My sister pulled out all the stops and it was an oasis retreat with her pool and cabanas. We haven’t been invited over there for years. Not sure why but perhaps it was because they needed that time for each other and now that my sister is on her own is really enjoying family.

I also bought my first baby clothes for Sofia, my granddaughter due in October! Little pink tie dye onesie and little jeans with booties with lemons on them which my dil loves. Fun times today for sure!

This healing journey is long but I am ready, I think.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Distractions can be helpful or harmful…

Right now I am fighting the urge to drink. So far I am winning but it is an obsession today when my daughter is away.

Minor annoyances occurring and it seems like a drink will solve all my problems. But I made a reminder card today why I can’t drink and reading it helped but praying for the urge to pass.

Distractions for this can be very helpful. I have been … gardening, which is helping and I made my to do list but right now don’t feel like doing any of it. Gardening in the sun wears me out but I’m never out there for more than a half an hour at a time.

I did visit my dad today with my mom and he was asleep for the most part but had good color. Still not eating. Still knowing every visit might be my last. But it takes a toll and is probably why I want to numb out with alcohol.

Distractions can also be harmful though by not dealing with whatever is causing the urge to drink or to deal with my integrating. It’s all together really as I continue to make connections along the way. Today was going to work on myself while driving but didn’t. I must focus on the road but it was interesting that that was my go to plan because couldn’t figure out my daughter’s car radio. Tonight will use distractions to get the house in order and tomorrow will plan on dealing with why I reach for the bottle and some integration. I am doing all of this on my own and the help of God. I’ve got to figure this shit out.

Tomorrow my hubbie is supposed to start working on my vw squareback that I’m be cruising around town in! We shall see as the bathroom needs attention with the sink. It’s his only day off so hate to push him but I really need a car to visit my dad and bring my mom on her good days. God has a plan and I am obeying.

Yesterday was a hard day because of the scammer. He continued to reach out on Facebook, but I reported it all and they took it all down. Did my part anyway! But was cycling through little one, lost one and saint one. In the end I won. Thank you God!

peace love light and joy

Victoria

What an amazing day!

It started today on Facebook. I got a message from Jason Mraz’s sister (didn’t even know he had one) who had noticed I comment a lot on his fan page and she asked me why I never went to his fan page and said hi? I told her I was shy but she encouraged me to do so and I did. I got on hangouts and she let him know I was messaging him to accept it. He did. He was so nice and caring, even asked if there was anything he could do for my dad. I said prayers. He said he would.

I also told him that in 2012 his song “I won’t give up” check it out here. kept me from taking my own life. It came out in 2011 I believe. I told him God was guiding him and would continue to do so… he said I was sweet and lovely. I told him he made me cry a little. Oh gosh he just messaged me back…I’m in shock over communicating with my favorite all time musician. I am a bit star struck but also know he is just a human being like us, who has become successful because of his love for all. I’m gonna check the message now…

He made me cry again. Of course I questioned if it was really him but I checked and his sister is who messaged me and connected us. I told him to stop making me cry. I’m so weird. But this is surreal.

Anyways right after we started messaging I learned that my niece gave birth to their first baby girl today which happens to be the 32nd wedding anniversary of my brother and sister in law (I call her my sister) her parents. Wow! Great news! Healthy little girl who is yet to be named.

My heart is bursting with love for my family and the whole world.

Today I actually also in between the excitement attended two classes at Safe Haven (virtually), one on cultivating love and compassion with ourselves and the other one was a guided meditation. I struggle with guided meditation though and instead was thinking about if I was going to get to talk to my peer counselor at Safe Haven.

But the one on cultivating love and compassion with ourselves was very interesting. At first I just listened half-heartedly because they were talking about anger. I don’t get angry these days, rarely I should say…when I do it is ugly inside and I don’t like myself. Anyway they were talking about an underlying emotion causing the anger. Have any of you experienced this? I am so out of touch with my emotions beyond happy and sad that this is a hard concept for me to comprehend. Could it be frustration, irritibality, or rebellion. If those are possibly my underlying emotions of anger, what causes them? Is rebellion even an emotion or a response better I think.

I will have to attend this class again and get some answers as I know this will help with my self-integration work. Yesterday was good work but today I’ve been distracted but in my journal last night I wrote that I need to slow down with integrating. so there ya go.

Tomorrow I am still without a car and can’t visit my dad until Saturday:( <3<3<3

Anyway, got another message from Jason Mraz. Has anyone checked out his section on my page? Check it out on the right if you want to read more about how this amazing gifted singer/songwriter has touched my life with his music!

peace love light and joy

Victoria

“You are always where you need to be”…

October 5th entry from A Year without Fear by Tama Kieves 365 Days of Magnificence 5-minute mind-set shifts

“I’m going to ask you to trust in your life- more than in your script.

You are always where you need to be.

It’s not like the Universe dropped your call.

Your wise eternal inner self didn’t fall asleep at the wheel or started playing for the other team.

You’re still plugged in to power and flow.”

(from Inspired and Unstoppable: Wildly Succeeding in Your Life’s Work!)

I feel great! I am honored to be a part of the baby shower process and today we all met and I got to pretend I am fine. I am but I did a lot of self-integration today and boy it was hard work!

So tonight I decided to go to- my go to, this little book of blessings. Not every entry resonates with me but most do. Tonight I played book roulette and this page was the second one I turned to. Very fitting right now because I feel my life is falling apart around me. I realize I am being dramatic and I won’t bore you with details but I need a flipping break soon! I feel like I am under attack from ???

I have the power to heal though and I am trying everything in my power to do so physically, mentally and emotionally. Yet I am doubtful of the medication I am on right now, especially the anti-anxiety meds I am taking which don’t seem to work when I am under pressure. And I am tired of the akathesia (constant movement) a side effect from the Risperdal which I can’t sleep without. Appointment coming up with pdoc so will again address the Risperdal and see about maybe taking xanax.

I need to count my blessings as they are many, but am obsessed over many things I cannot control which cause me much sadness.

Praying for all of you!

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Great news and more musings…

“Test results normal”, wonderful news. I don’t want to have cancer and inconvenience anyone. No I pray it is swift when I go and that I will be old. These are my thoughts tonight. I want to live! I want to see my adult kids grow up and be with them as long as I can. I must take better care of my health and am still having bladder issues but at least it isn’t cancer.

My car broke; long story short. Got new keys for my 2003 Mercedes Benz and they don’t work. Going to dump the car and have to call the dealership where I got the keys and get some money back…

I feel I am slipping away. Medical issues and mental which I am pushing away today. I must do the work but don’t feel like it. I do know much of my anal behaviors comes from my mom. I have learned to deal with life in the unhealthy ways she does. I can’t take a compliment without pointing out a criticism. I am working on it though. I want to teach my kids better. I don’t think it is ever too late to be a good example to our kids.

There was an announcement in my email today about the need for mental health urgent cares. Wouldn’t this be wonderful! Have a crisis and get seen right away by professionals. But then I think lately all they wan to do is medicate me. I’m fucking sick of the medication.

Saw my dad today and as usual he started talking when we had to go. Why don’t I learn from this and say we have to go before so he can open up and share how he is feeling. He tells the same story and I shall share it now. When I was little my dad carried me on his shoulders. I still remember the day he told me he had to stop. I was devastated. I would and these are his loving words, “cover my eyes and hold on for dear life” as he couldn’t see where he was going. He tells me this story almost every time I go to see him. I never tire of it.

I am gaining weight again;. been eating like crap. Do I care? yes and no. and that is all I shall say about that.

Baby shower planning on Wednesday with my daughter in law (who is now finally showing) and her mom. It will be fun. Did I mention the coolness that my husband is putting me in a vw squareback? It will be great fun driving a vw and picking up my mom in it and visiting my dad. her first car was a bug so it will surely bring back memories. It is good to visit him often right now. The end for him will just be the beginning of his eternal life with God. I comfort myself with such thoughts…

When he does pass I will have to say to so many that my dad has finally died. How I will miss him even now when visits are what they are. Today he clung to my mum. He loves her so and all of us. How I will miss him. Yet I do not pray that he will die. I learned that from my grandma. I prayed that she would die to be with God but regretted it upon her passing…

Sorry about the lamentations about my dad. But it feels good to get it out even if only a few read it.

Life is short! Make the most of it! Do not let your goals be in the way of your success whatever that means. lol

Tomorrow I am stuck home all day. I will try to make the most of it with gardening and cleaning and maybe maybe I will work on myself. The critical one is falling away.

Today my little returned and at first I was mean to her and then I remembered that I told my therapist I would be kind to her. So I was kind. It was cool because I didn’t let her stay and although it was a hard day after a wonderful weekend, she came out and was all sensitive and shit. I was like oh no and was kind and asked her to leave and she did. Progress…

Yesterday the party was a huge success! Wonderful time with family.

Praying for all of you and wishing you…

peace love light and joy

Victoria

More late night musings…

A good and bad day,

my mom is coming to the party tomorrow so I am cleaning every nook and cranny which is great because I only do this when she is coming over. It’s fun! Things weren’t too bad because my daughter does a great job and I keep up and do a deep cleaning every few months.

I’m smelling orchids blooming as I type. It’s wonderful! They are for my daughter who is very spoiled by me, her best friend and her boyfriend ha ha ha. But she knows it and is quite proud! It’s been her birthday all month and tomorrow her birthday party and Father’s Day party to boot! Cooking two dinners. OK I might be manic today.

I just decided I am going to go with my mom when I pick her up to see my dad and then head to the party at my house.

I even put string lights up in the garden and I am quite pleased. I’m so bad with posting pics but would rather describe it and spend my computer time blogging…

Getting tired, Risperdal is kicking in.

Oh and Monday II get the results of my biopsy. Whatever…

I am not surprised at anything lately. So much good but it is mixed with sadness over my dad living on a prayer and my mental health and now physical health problems. I’ll face it when I know but thanks for any prayers!

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Schizophrenia blog after a break…

This is after all my personal recovery from schizophrenia. Lately been sharing about conquering DID disorder and it is going well but tonight something came up so had to share.

I was visiting with a close family member and she was sharing how she had heard a voice telling her something that came true. I asked her if it was God. She immediately said let’s not get you started. She thinks I am broken. I feel that I am not but this stigmatization of her referring to my many perceived messages from God as being bad or something…

I do not doubt that God has spoken to me, I am just not sure of which times. Was it real when I was 8 and clearly heard the words, “you are special”. And then given the gift of schizophrenia at age 36? To do what I do not know yet and that is ok…

But why do others perceive their experiences as real when I do not get that luxury. Kinda mad at the unfairness.

I do have schizoaffecctive disorder. That much is sure. But are the antipshychotics (I take two) what I really need? I cannot sleep withhout the Risperdal 2mg and the Latuda helps with the negative symptoms. But the Risperdal causes so many side affects: weight gain, akathesia (need to constantly be moving or tucked in), sleepless without it, lethargy in the am… I think that’s it. And the Latuda causes so much anxiety…

I need to talk to my pdoc. I have my $300 appointment with him in July which is close.

We shall seee

Wishing you all a wonderful weekend.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Spark easily ignited, spark easily snuffed out…

The past two days have been amazing. I have definitely made a breakthrough with my mental health all on my own. The answer often lies within…within our minds, within our hearts, within our souls…

I have not been super productive, that is not why I am doing well. It is because I have said goodbye to the parts of me that do not serve me. I have gotten rid of lost one, little one and too foused one. They had names but now that they are gone, it is fitting as such. My old therapist asked me if I would be kind to the little one if she returned and I said of course! There is no room in my life for anger…

I must now say good bye to my critical one and soon. I was parented that way and still am…My dad lives on another day and my mom is doing well. Took her on a short drive today affter visiting my pa, who was asleep, through some fields of strawberries, broccoli and ???. It was fun. There were bright umbrellas with Latina/o vendors selling fresh fruit, peaches, cherries and melons of various varieties. She was happy for a bit as I knew to cheer her up we have to keep on living…

But we also have to pray. Been praying more lately. Forced prayers and just talking to God. I will not give up on God. Even though it can still be a grey day, I choose joy, life and peace. May nothing disturb me now.

Then poof my daughter gives me some bad news about her best friend’s parents and her friend. I’m knocked off balance for a moment and there I go to the old friend. But that’s ok. I will say my strongest prayer for them.

It is so sad when people get sick. I am sick right now with continued bladder problems. Others have died, some have recovered. The ups and downs of life must help make us stronger in all we do. Not just choosing joy for some sort of fake happiness. No, looking for the good in all, people, places and things…

And appreciating the big and little things that go right and figuring things out when they go off track.

IIt is alll anyone can do. And that is enough. We are enough!

peace, love light and joy

Victoria

Extreme action yet trying to balance it…

I’m about to embark upon a new journey into myself and externally too! I’m finally getting it together.

Let me set the stage~

Nag champa burning,, coffee at my side, saying good bye to habits that do not serve me well. It’s a hot day and I have little to worry about at least for the moment. My lightweight sweater hangs off my shoulder feeling the heat although it is cool inside my home, my home my sanctuary. The garden will await until later but it beckons me. Do I dare sit out there a bit in the shade. I think so…

Annoying side effect of the anti-psychotic medication Risperdal. I rock when I am standing and someone captured it on video last night at the gender reveal party at my son’s home. I was excited and surprised that they are actually having a baby girl, Sophie, Sophia. Much to do to plan and have the baby shower but it’s all fun and that is what I want lately!

Last night was fun minus the rocking!

Off to the garden, my pups will follow but will be disappointed it’s too hot for a game of fetch.

I am integrating for those who are following!

peace love light and joy!

Victoria