What an amazing day!

It started today on Facebook. I got a message from Jason Mraz’s sister (didn’t even know he had one) who had noticed I comment a lot on his fan page and she asked me why I never went to his fan page and said hi? I told her I was shy but she encouraged me to do so and I did. I got on hangouts and she let him know I was messaging him to accept it. He did. He was so nice and caring, even asked if there was anything he could do for my dad. I said prayers. He said he would.

I also told him that in 2012 his song “I won’t give up” check it out here. kept me from taking my own life. It came out in 2011 I believe. I told him God was guiding him and would continue to do so… he said I was sweet and lovely. I told him he made me cry a little. Oh gosh he just messaged me back…I’m in shock over communicating with my favorite all time musician. I am a bit star struck but also know he is just a human being like us, who has become successful because of his love for all. I’m gonna check the message now…

He made me cry again. Of course I questioned if it was really him but I checked and his sister is who messaged me and connected us. I told him to stop making me cry. I’m so weird. But this is surreal.

Anyways right after we started messaging I learned that my niece gave birth to their first baby girl today which happens to be the 32nd wedding anniversary of my brother and sister in law (I call her my sister) her parents. Wow! Great news! Healthy little girl who is yet to be named.

My heart is bursting with love for my family and the whole world.

Today I actually also in between the excitement attended two classes at Safe Haven (virtually), one on cultivating love and compassion with ourselves and the other one was a guided meditation. I struggle with guided meditation though and instead was thinking about if I was going to get to talk to my peer counselor at Safe Haven.

But the one on cultivating love and compassion with ourselves was very interesting. At first I just listened half-heartedly because they were talking about anger. I don’t get angry these days, rarely I should say…when I do it is ugly inside and I don’t like myself. Anyway they were talking about an underlying emotion causing the anger. Have any of you experienced this? I am so out of touch with my emotions beyond happy and sad that this is a hard concept for me to comprehend. Could it be frustration, irritibality, or rebellion. If those are possibly my underlying emotions of anger, what causes them? Is rebellion even an emotion or a response better I think.

I will have to attend this class again and get some answers as I know this will help with my self-integration work. Yesterday was good work but today I’ve been distracted but in my journal last night I wrote that I need to slow down with integrating. so there ya go.

Tomorrow I am still without a car and can’t visit my dad until Saturday:( <3<3<3

Anyway, got another message from Jason Mraz. Has anyone checked out his section on my page? Check it out on the right if you want to read more about how this amazing gifted singer/songwriter has touched my life with his music!

peace love light and joy

Victoria

“You are always where you need to be”…

October 5th entry from A Year without Fear by Tama Kieves 365 Days of Magnificence 5-minute mind-set shifts

“I’m going to ask you to trust in your life- more than in your script.

You are always where you need to be.

It’s not like the Universe dropped your call.

Your wise eternal inner self didn’t fall asleep at the wheel or started playing for the other team.

You’re still plugged in to power and flow.”

(from Inspired and Unstoppable: Wildly Succeeding in Your Life’s Work!)

I feel great! I am honored to be a part of the baby shower process and today we all met and I got to pretend I am fine. I am but I did a lot of self-integration today and boy it was hard work!

So tonight I decided to go to- my go to, this little book of blessings. Not every entry resonates with me but most do. Tonight I played book roulette and this page was the second one I turned to. Very fitting right now because I feel my life is falling apart around me. I realize I am being dramatic and I won’t bore you with details but I need a flipping break soon! I feel like I am under attack from ???

I have the power to heal though and I am trying everything in my power to do so physically, mentally and emotionally. Yet I am doubtful of the medication I am on right now, especially the anti-anxiety meds I am taking which don’t seem to work when I am under pressure. And I am tired of the akathesia (constant movement) a side effect from the Risperdal which I can’t sleep without. Appointment coming up with pdoc so will again address the Risperdal and see about maybe taking xanax.

I need to count my blessings as they are many, but am obsessed over many things I cannot control which cause me much sadness.

Praying for all of you!

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Great news and more musings…

“Test results normal”, wonderful news. I don’t want to have cancer and inconvenience anyone. No I pray it is swift when I go and that I will be old. These are my thoughts tonight. I want to live! I want to see my adult kids grow up and be with them as long as I can. I must take better care of my health and am still having bladder issues but at least it isn’t cancer.

My car broke; long story short. Got new keys for my 2003 Mercedes Benz and they don’t work. Going to dump the car and have to call the dealership where I got the keys and get some money back…

I feel I am slipping away. Medical issues and mental which I am pushing away today. I must do the work but don’t feel like it. I do know much of my anal behaviors comes from my mom. I have learned to deal with life in the unhealthy ways she does. I can’t take a compliment without pointing out a criticism. I am working on it though. I want to teach my kids better. I don’t think it is ever too late to be a good example to our kids.

There was an announcement in my email today about the need for mental health urgent cares. Wouldn’t this be wonderful! Have a crisis and get seen right away by professionals. But then I think lately all they wan to do is medicate me. I’m fucking sick of the medication.

Saw my dad today and as usual he started talking when we had to go. Why don’t I learn from this and say we have to go before so he can open up and share how he is feeling. He tells the same story and I shall share it now. When I was little my dad carried me on his shoulders. I still remember the day he told me he had to stop. I was devastated. I would and these are his loving words, “cover my eyes and hold on for dear life” as he couldn’t see where he was going. He tells me this story almost every time I go to see him. I never tire of it.

I am gaining weight again;. been eating like crap. Do I care? yes and no. and that is all I shall say about that.

Baby shower planning on Wednesday with my daughter in law (who is now finally showing) and her mom. It will be fun. Did I mention the coolness that my husband is putting me in a vw squareback? It will be great fun driving a vw and picking up my mom in it and visiting my dad. her first car was a bug so it will surely bring back memories. It is good to visit him often right now. The end for him will just be the beginning of his eternal life with God. I comfort myself with such thoughts…

When he does pass I will have to say to so many that my dad has finally died. How I will miss him even now when visits are what they are. Today he clung to my mum. He loves her so and all of us. How I will miss him. Yet I do not pray that he will die. I learned that from my grandma. I prayed that she would die to be with God but regretted it upon her passing…

Sorry about the lamentations about my dad. But it feels good to get it out even if only a few read it.

Life is short! Make the most of it! Do not let your goals be in the way of your success whatever that means. lol

Tomorrow I am stuck home all day. I will try to make the most of it with gardening and cleaning and maybe maybe I will work on myself. The critical one is falling away.

Today my little returned and at first I was mean to her and then I remembered that I told my therapist I would be kind to her. So I was kind. It was cool because I didn’t let her stay and although it was a hard day after a wonderful weekend, she came out and was all sensitive and shit. I was like oh no and was kind and asked her to leave and she did. Progress…

Yesterday the party was a huge success! Wonderful time with family.

Praying for all of you and wishing you…

peace love light and joy

Victoria

More late night musings…

A good and bad day,

my mom is coming to the party tomorrow so I am cleaning every nook and cranny which is great because I only do this when she is coming over. It’s fun! Things weren’t too bad because my daughter does a great job and I keep up and do a deep cleaning every few months.

I’m smelling orchids blooming as I type. It’s wonderful! They are for my daughter who is very spoiled by me, her best friend and her boyfriend ha ha ha. But she knows it and is quite proud! It’s been her birthday all month and tomorrow her birthday party and Father’s Day party to boot! Cooking two dinners. OK I might be manic today.

I just decided I am going to go with my mom when I pick her up to see my dad and then head to the party at my house.

I even put string lights up in the garden and I am quite pleased. I’m so bad with posting pics but would rather describe it and spend my computer time blogging…

Getting tired, Risperdal is kicking in.

Oh and Monday II get the results of my biopsy. Whatever…

I am not surprised at anything lately. So much good but it is mixed with sadness over my dad living on a prayer and my mental health and now physical health problems. I’ll face it when I know but thanks for any prayers!

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Schizophrenia blog after a break…

This is after all my personal recovery from schizophrenia. Lately been sharing about conquering DID disorder and it is going well but tonight something came up so had to share.

I was visiting with a close family member and she was sharing how she had heard a voice telling her something that came true. I asked her if it was God. She immediately said let’s not get you started. She thinks I am broken. I feel that I am not but this stigmatization of her referring to my many perceived messages from God as being bad or something…

I do not doubt that God has spoken to me, I am just not sure of which times. Was it real when I was 8 and clearly heard the words, “you are special”. And then given the gift of schizophrenia at age 36? To do what I do not know yet and that is ok…

But why do others perceive their experiences as real when I do not get that luxury. Kinda mad at the unfairness.

I do have schizoaffecctive disorder. That much is sure. But are the antipshychotics (I take two) what I really need? I cannot sleep withhout the Risperdal 2mg and the Latuda helps with the negative symptoms. But the Risperdal causes so many side affects: weight gain, akathesia (need to constantly be moving or tucked in), sleepless without it, lethargy in the am… I think that’s it. And the Latuda causes so much anxiety…

I need to talk to my pdoc. I have my $300 appointment with him in July which is close.

We shall seee

Wishing you all a wonderful weekend.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Spark easily ignited, spark easily snuffed out…

The past two days have been amazing. I have definitely made a breakthrough with my mental health all on my own. The answer often lies within…within our minds, within our hearts, within our souls…

I have not been super productive, that is not why I am doing well. It is because I have said goodbye to the parts of me that do not serve me. I have gotten rid of lost one, little one and too foused one. They had names but now that they are gone, it is fitting as such. My old therapist asked me if I would be kind to the little one if she returned and I said of course! There is no room in my life for anger…

I must now say good bye to my critical one and soon. I was parented that way and still am…My dad lives on another day and my mom is doing well. Took her on a short drive today affter visiting my pa, who was asleep, through some fields of strawberries, broccoli and ???. It was fun. There were bright umbrellas with Latina/o vendors selling fresh fruit, peaches, cherries and melons of various varieties. She was happy for a bit as I knew to cheer her up we have to keep on living…

But we also have to pray. Been praying more lately. Forced prayers and just talking to God. I will not give up on God. Even though it can still be a grey day, I choose joy, life and peace. May nothing disturb me now.

Then poof my daughter gives me some bad news about her best friend’s parents and her friend. I’m knocked off balance for a moment and there I go to the old friend. But that’s ok. I will say my strongest prayer for them.

It is so sad when people get sick. I am sick right now with continued bladder problems. Others have died, some have recovered. The ups and downs of life must help make us stronger in all we do. Not just choosing joy for some sort of fake happiness. No, looking for the good in all, people, places and things…

And appreciating the big and little things that go right and figuring things out when they go off track.

IIt is alll anyone can do. And that is enough. We are enough!

peace, love light and joy

Victoria

Extreme action yet trying to balance it…

I’m about to embark upon a new journey into myself and externally too! I’m finally getting it together.

Let me set the stage~

Nag champa burning,, coffee at my side, saying good bye to habits that do not serve me well. It’s a hot day and I have little to worry about at least for the moment. My lightweight sweater hangs off my shoulder feeling the heat although it is cool inside my home, my home my sanctuary. The garden will await until later but it beckons me. Do I dare sit out there a bit in the shade. I think so…

Annoying side effect of the anti-psychotic medication Risperdal. I rock when I am standing and someone captured it on video last night at the gender reveal party at my son’s home. I was excited and surprised that they are actually having a baby girl, Sophie, Sophia. Much to do to plan and have the baby shower but it’s all fun and that is what I want lately!

Last night was fun minus the rocking!

Off to the garden, my pups will follow but will be disappointed it’s too hot for a game of fetch.

I am integrating for those who are following!

peace love light and joy!

Victoria

The only thing getting in the way of you is you…

Sure difficulties arise and I am stuck often but ultimately it is about my choices at the end of the day.

Ever since I realized that my busyness is often a distraction of unhealed childhood trauma, I haven’t been as busy ha ha! I do what needs to get done but took the last few days off just relaxing and reflecting on my life and how I often I get in the way of myself…

I enjoy being in the garden, yet I don’t relax out there nearly enough. This weekend I did though and it was so wonderful. I am still suffering greatly but have been able to push it aside and enjoy a few minutes, hours, days of fun, mixed with visiting my dad who is at the end, and still a joy. I visit him every day I can and I do this because I want to. I am not letting it ruin my days though and have been making time to do some really cool things.

I actually hung out in person with two other people, a gal and my non-binary peer counselor. It was chill! This was a major breakthrough for me to go and be with new friends. We walked from Safe Haven to a local coffee shop. I’m going next week again because we all enjoyed it so much at least I think so.

I am still having problems medically and have an appointment tomorrow with my regular nurse practitioner. Going to come right out and ask her if it could be related to my mental health.

Taking a break from my therapy until I know what to do next. I got some new perspective from my peers on the little field trip that I should pursue therapy but I’m kinda like not trusting anyone again with my stuff.

I don’t even want to share it with myself!

Anyway I am pushing through life with a smile on my face because I want to.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Welcome to all countries…

To my twisted mind. Seriously though I am so happy to see different countries on my feed. Today was Romania. What a beautiful name. Romania. I get excited to know that my blogs although they may not have a ton of followers or likes or comments, they are getting viewed and I pray how I pray that my experience in treating my own mental health disorders often by myself will somehow touch others.

I am again at an impasse’. I fired my therapist for several reasons bottome line wasn’t a good fit. So I started consulting with others who treat DID disorder and found that I will make little progress while the perpetraor (my mom) is still active in my life. So basically I can’t fuckinng move on until my mom passes. My dad is close, but yet still life in him. Still concerned for others even though he is fading…

My DID disorder is starting to manifest physically now. Won’t go into too many details but it is stress related having to do with my bladdder. Which is really strange because the book I am reading, “you will never be normal” discusses major incontinence but mine is minor. Off to the doctor Monday.

Annoyances such as these are frequent lately. I just adjust and try to find my happy spot. Today it eludes me as I am on day 3 or 4 out of 5 till hubbie gets home. I think I am too attached to him and am going to take a step back ha ah. Let him romance me when he gets back! And not cheap wine and dinner ha ha just kidding. I’ll just be glad when he gets home honestly.

Anyway, this facade continues as I navigate my days through good things and bad. I do have a call in to my old therapist to be a sounding board for all that is happening.

Finding it hard to look up but that is all I have right now. God, infinite, all knowing and all powerful. Be at my side Jesus and help me to believe where doubt exists.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Feeling groovey…

This is a lighter post tonight. Life has been heavy lately and I have finally gotten a break!

I’m doing ok, maybe a little better than ok at times and tonight has been good. A much easier day than yesterday. Ate some artichokes which I haven’t cooked for years. They remind me of childhood, so much work! But good in the end…

I did spend a lot of time with my daughter today so that certainly helped. Hubbie is gone and yesterday was yesterday but it got me really appreciating him with his loudness and messiness. I miss him! Talked to him today but couldn’t really hear as it was noisy on his end. Looking forward to his return and my dogs miss him too! He has good energy…

I have been enjoying the two new books and it is a fight over which one I will read next. I’ve been a little lazy with hubbie gone. But he’s relaxing so I don’t feel bad. The house is tidy but as usual dishes in the sink. I have gotten in the practice of doing them at night so I can wake up to a clean kitchen so off I will go in a bit.

I am excited for this Sunday. I am going to go on an in person outing with my friends at Safe Haven 20 miles away. It should be fun but trying not to get too anxious about socializing with these new people in my life. We are walking to a touristy coffee shop, so I’ll get some exercise in as well as some socializing not on Zoom! The world is opening up. Do you feel it too? It’s a bit scary for me but not going to muse about that tonight.

Gardening tomorrow is planned and visiting with my mom and dad:) Also working on downloading the digitized memories I got after sending in 14 mini video tapes from 29 years and more recent like ten years. I used imemories and after everything it cost me $150 Us dollars. I haven’t watched them all but it will be a trip down memory lane. The little I have watched has been wonderful of my children when they were little and not so little.

It’s amazing how much we forget. So much is constantly happening with periods of rest and relaxation.

This is making me think that I need to really make the most of my time on this earth. There goes the light post! Sorry but it is my mind! I choose life, I choose hope, I choose love, love, love.

peace love light and joy

Victoria