Embracing my shadows…

Life is funny really, what may seem to some as the worse thing in the world, may be not what it seems but something else altogether…

It could be something awesome too and while I should focus on that as part of my f**ing new positive self talk suggestion. I find it tedious and completely unnecessary. So I will give you some of my darkness, my weirdness, my shadows.

I believe that I am the most special person to ever live.

I was told at age 8, sitting in the backseat of our family car, eyes fixated upon the bridge we were crossing and I heard very clearly, “You are special”.

And then at a much later time I was told the previous statement by Mary the Mother of God.

But I was actively psychotic so can’t really trust it but it’s there when I think of it and this is how I feel about it~

This is a huge burden or at least it used to be until this very moment. and I find myself trying to embrace this shadow, this embarrassment if it is true and the same otherwise. I can’t do it fully but I am moving in the right direction towards acceptance first and then to not hating it, and then to liking it (current position) and finally to embracing it, not there yet…

That being writ, I must confess it is pretty awesome at times when things happen outside of me confirming this to be true. God touching down at the perfect timing undeniably so. I was born on 10/16 at 10:16, my ss number ends in 7777. I have held the face of Mary in my own face, I was given the gift of schizophrenia in 2006, I earned my masters in psychology post-diagnosis in 2012. I went on disability permanent in 2015. I survived and actually thrived in 2020, but not working outside the home still and rightfully so.

When I try to work weird things happen but alas those are stories for another day.

It is time for me to go to my journal and my sacred space wherever I end up tonight in my home. I love my home. I am blessed to have a home. Was homeless once, another tale.

I like tales but must obey.

pax

Victoria

Balancing life with Schizophrenia…

Play time, party time, quiet time, noisy time (always husband related) and my time to recharge so I can give back to this world what has been so freely given to me…

I am no longer at odds with my disorder. I am at peace. I make mistakes but am learning to forgive myself along the way of this thing we call life….

I do not have a perfect life. There is much to fret about but I prefer to take my meds and function the best way I know possible, which today is a glass of wine with portabello pizza I made in my air fryer. Husband will be home soon and then the chaos will begin.

Today has been a good day. Walk with meaningful talk with daughter in am, a visit to my new favorite puppy, Zelda Twinkie, my son and daughter in laws newest 8 week old puppy with sharp teeth no less! Love love love her!

Husband will be home soon and my quiet oasis I have created for myself will be loud with the tv on and the dogs at his heels begging to go outside with him even if it be for a minute…

He has bbqs on Fridays and the dogs know. I love it!

I will get busy then. My witching hour is 5pm but today it will be a little later.

The chores never cease and I am happy to report that I am doing well with the house work. Actually my adult daughter cleans the house once a week and it’s great I just have to do maintenance and deep cleanings and I love to organize.

Enough about me. Thinking about a new topic for the month of NOvember. It is the day of the dead and all souls day so that will be the theme. I will relay some of my psychotic moments at this time of year from 2006. There is much to be said about this month when we honor and pray for all souls.

pax

Victoria

Darkness and then light…

I feel great tonight but this wasn’t the case over the last week. No I was sicker than I’ve been in a while possibly food poisoning; ate out late Thursday night and yuck!

When I get sick I have learned to rest and rest I did! My husband and I went away at a mineral springs resort we booked a month ago. When I found out it would be half of what I paid I was like I’m going because I can feel bad over there.

So away we went a half an hour away and enjoy a hottub in our room which greatly helped us to really relax and be lazy cuz we never are. We work and work some more and rarely do we take a break. But we did in a big way. And although weird very nice!

Today finally feeling myself again so there went the darkness and now I am back to my routine and boy do I have a lot to do, inner and outer things.

Peace love and joy and light 🌈

Pax

Victoria

death is a mere separation between here and there…

We’ve got a lot to learn about death and once we are dead we don’t have anyway to convey the beauty of heaven back to our loved ones but I know they live on…

I have had some recent wonderful experiences with my dear friend and her deceased husband speaking through me to her on more than one occasion. The veil is thin folks between life and death. When God wants us home we shall not delay. I will not, I will run into Jesus’ arms and throw myself at His feet. And there I shall lay for a while, at peace at last.

This disorder won’t exist in heaven. I will be made whole again. We all will. And if you dont believe I will believe for you. I have faith to spare in large amounts. God is so good at guiding me in all I do.

It has not always been so though. I was a lost child just not that long ago. Chasing experiences like the wind. Hoping for time alone with God in the way I am able to reach Him now. Which is no longer unusual. NO the messages are rare if ever and the peace I have in my heart is lasting.

Now that I know I am an empath and what one is. I can deflect negative energy mentally or with the usage of my crystals. It is wonderful to be in control of my thoughts. Ridding my mind of thoughts that do not serve me or anybody to speak of for that matter.

Life is good these days with a few exceptions. Sick, near death family members and others like my parents living on the prayers of others like fumes from the fire.

Peace, love light and joy to all of you,

pax

Victoria

Mental health tips 102…

Welcome!

You can see my first post on mental health tips 101 here.

But I wanted to add to this blog so here are my best tips on how to keep your mental state in the best state.

Have fun! Make fun, do fun, be fun. Laugh a lot and then laugh till it hurts some more. Make light of the difficulties, make peace with your past. Break loose! There are so many ways!

This week I took my pup to the doggie beach with my family and it was hot and fun and great. tomorrow I am dying my hair with my daughter’s help. Tonight, I sat in the garden and called a friend. She didn’t answer but that’s ok, I still tried to reach out. The idea is to break out of any rut we may be in and even though we might have many chores every day to be sure to include some fun activities in the mix.

Sleep is not overrated. Make a schedule that works for your bodies’ needs and stick to it. I have finally mastered my sleep schedule. I go to sleep between 11:30pm and 12:30am and wake up at 8am-9am. I do some of my best thinking at night when the house is quiet and everyone else is asleep except my son. But we have some great late night chats or rather philosophical discussions. It’s great.

Finding a hobby that works for you. I have already talked so much about my favorite hobbies that I will not repeat them all but gardening is still the highest ranking. Still trying to get to learning the guitar but we shall see. There it sits by itself. so sad.

Have a mantra! Mine is I am good, I am holy, I am humbled by my missteps. I never try to hurt anyone, I do a lot of good in the world, but I mess up sometimes and am learning to love my shadows and make peace with them.

I emit to the universe what it is I desire. And sit back and watch the miracles occur. It is amazing how one person can make an imprint on their own future. Try it!

Write! Journal, blog, text, whatever medium works for you. get your thoughts out, it is cathartic!

well that is 102

blessings,

pax

Victoria

Mental health tips 101~

In the spirit of mental health day yesterday, I wish to blog about what makes me feel ok especially in these unprecedented times. I like making lists. Feel free to copy mine or share how you track the best ways to keep your mental health state sharp.

FOOD- healthy tasty food, helps the brain and body to be in sync. Helps spiritually, mentally and physically on many levels. ate healthy today and feeling better

exercise- getting regular exercise benefits the brain, especially my mental outlook on the day. Keeps me fit and often when I walk I pray my rosary…

intellectual stimulation- keeps the brain functioning at higher levels, not just speaking of teaching institutions, but of reading good books which for me means many classics but also metaphysical. Our brains need stimulation beyond facebook and instagram and video games (which are ok in moderation). Being on my phone is a challenge or not being on there rather. So much to say here but keeping the list moving.

learning about my emotions- and trusting them. Today I am hopeful for many reasons and joyful because my birthday is coming up.

connections- with loved ones, strangers, animals, plants and all of Mother Earth but most importantly with God or whatever you call the Source of all that is good.

meds- take em and don’t stop without your doctor’s supervision. I know I need mine the rest of my life but taking supplements now that greatly increase my productivity levels.

avoiding toxic people and situations- easy for me as I am mainly a homebody. I have learned how to deal with negative family members, just have them talk about themselves without any judgement. Keeps the focus off of my life and people love to talk about themselves.

Can’t think of anymore but these are my most important thoughts in terms of taking care of my mental health.

peace, love joy and light to all! Welcome all countries and peoples around the globe!

pax

Victoria

Musings of the moment…

A good day for sure…learning to navigate murky waters.

Looking for the good in all people, places and things isn’t that hard if one considers the life that God gave us and it is up to us to fulfill our mission, whatever that may be…

For me I like to help out the homeless because I was once homeless too. I remember when a kind stranger would give me some spare change, while I was living on the streets of NYC. I would always be so grateful to buy that slice of pizza. My meal for the day if I was lucky.

Still not sure if I was pre-schizophrenia at that time or not. I was 18 at the time but I engaged in many dangerous behaviours from 13 to 20. Then got married to the most wonderful man, had three kids and home-schooled them but then developed schizophrenia at age 36, which was in 2006.

I have tried working but it never works out so I am on permanent disability since 2015. I also earned my masters in psychology and bachelors in sociology circa 2010 post diagnosis.

Life these days consists of lots of at home time. Connections are the most important thing to me, with my family and friends and strangers, with my pups and all animals and nature….

I don’t read much but enjoy a good show and love working with crystals. Life is too short for regrets and today I have no regrets. Missteps I like to call them but embracing these shadows and trying to live the life God intended.

I don’t hear from God anymore, which the silence is welcome but do still wonder how life would have been different if this or that…

Trying to spread positivity at every level from self love to patience with myself first and then others. Embracing who I am because I am the only “ME”.

peace love and joy and now light to all

pax

Victoria

Throwing out a life line…

I don’t usually ask for help but tonight feeling like I need to ask the Universe for help.

I am not doing well. Struggling with a vice I thought I had a handle on but not sure how I feel about that really. I will intentionally be vague because it is a sensitive topic in the brain disorder world but it has to do with 420.

It messes with me sometimes and other times it is really great.

Today I find myself with a clean kitchen, fed pups and me, things done despite my confused mood, practiced yoga, deep breathing, texting my daughter, reached out to others who were busy, trying to not let my happiness depend on others but its hard.

asking for prayers, positive thoughts and vibes!

I am tired, full and going to take a bath to further relax.

Sundays are so hard for me because I don’t do any work and find myself bored but hey at least im not psychotic!

Praying for better days,

pax

Victoria

This is me…

I am enough, more than enough; I do not need to dwell on my past experiences to solve them. Sorry AA but inventorying life just doesn’t serve me anymore.

I use crystals’ energy now, garden, cook, clean, tidy (there is a difference), connect with family, friends and strangers who you never know who will become a good friend. I also take my meds and supplements every single bingle day.

This is me…

I don’t feel I need therapy anymore except my free grief one working through anticipatory grief around my dad’s declining health. But he turns 83 next month! I love him so much and dedicate this blog to his health, physical, mental and spiritual.

I love my mom too and am so glad I still have her in my life although she still drives me crazy at times haha. Will really miss them both when they are gone. sad face:(

I try to use my time wisely so will keep this brief.

I have a mental health disorder and am doing pretty damn good. I am enough. I embrace my shadows and am no longer afraid for what the future may hold…

This year has changed so much.

My heart is heavy tonight.

This is me…

it comes and goes this heaviness

for the world.

pax

Victoria

Psychotic episode from 2007…

Things were intensifying. Many messages and late nights feeling the heavy presence of God. No drugs, no alcohol, but some stress of my grandma’s passing may have induced schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder. Dx’ed in 2008.

Things other people take for granted became next to impossible like going to the store. Visits from God at these times or my disorder in full psychotic state, not sure really but it was pretty cool except for the time when~

I was walking down the spice packet aisle at my local grocery store and suddenly the command came to buy one of each. I ignored it at first but suddenly I found myself melting to the store if I did not do this weird thing. I hate to ever cause a scene so after several attempts to ignore what I thought to be God testing my obedience, I did it. I felt the paralyzing of my limbs when I tried to ignore the strong inner command.

$200 later I was leaving the store with bags of spice packets half of which I gave to a friend who I believed had shared psychotic disorder. Paralyzing, commands and testing are not of God I believe. I know now it was this dastard bleeping disorder. And luckily enough, do not have psychotic experiences since started taking goterpy cbd oil full spectrum the past few years.

I voluntarily entered UCLA in January of 2008 and the minute I started taking anti-psychotics meds the symptoms began to cease. The messages stopped mostly. God does break through at times in important things such as certain friendships and others I get the green light.

I must now release these terrible memories and do some cord cutting with my quartz crystal tonight, when the house is quiet…

Wishing you all recovery, peace and love

pax

Victoria