Unfolding before me is a new lease on life thanks to Clozapine. Since increasing my dosage to 50 mg I have had an increased sense of balance and well being. I see my psychiatrist next week and am so glad to have a good report.
Getting used to my feelings without drowning them in vices…
Closer to God than ever. I pray the rosary every day and even now it has new meaning. Time with God and Mary and all the wonderful saints.
I am willing to continue this new life. I have been connecting with family too which is awesome. Family is everything to me. My friends are right there too though. It is good to have both really.
Life is so wonderful! I feel more like my old self every day. Hate to go to bed lol.
The day started off all right, went to my women’s aa meeting, spoke with a dear friend, ate healthy, got my sleep, got some resources to help my depressed mother, visited her and she was doing poorly, visited my dad who had a stroke in July and is in a care facility, got some good coffee, visited my son at work, and then it hit…
A panic or sadness attack of some sort. I remembered later that I didn’t take my attivan in the morning because I have been doing so well. I felt like I shouldn’t drive. It crept up on me when I visited my son at work I was thought I was picking him up and was going to ask him to drive home because I was beginning to feel unwell but he had to work late and had secured a ride so I decided to go for a walk on a local trail. I was praying the rosary and saw a bench in the shade. So I sat for a while and waited for whatever it was to pass. I was texting my daughter about my visit with my dad and didn’t want to bother her with how I was feeling but did share with her later.
I don’t really know what it was or why I don’t let people know when I am not doing so well at the time I am not doing well??? This confuses me, my disorder confuses me, my moments that can last up to a couple of hours confuses me.
I don’t see my therapist until a week and a half and will surely share with him this day. I do have lots of support. I talked to my aa sponsor soon after I finally drove home which helped. I made a nice dinner for my husband and hung out with him for the evening then just finished a relaxing hot bath. I didn’t work out today and that’s ok on days like this. I know when I feel this way that even a workout won’t help me feel better.
I guess the best way to describe it is as being mentally unwell. I am under a lot of stress with caring for my parents so I need to be sure to take my meds every day. My psychiatrist told me I only had to take the attivan as needed. I guess I need it! Ha ha. If that was all that it was then that’s good news. I am glad I didn’t drive when I felt that way. I guess there is a lot to be grateful for!
Hoping for a better day tomorrow, I am going shopping with my mom so that will be good for both of us.
I have been doing a lot of reading lately and it is wonderful to be reading some of the greatest classics and uplifting books out there! I am reading the autobiography of Mahatma Gandhi, The Book of Joy by the Dali Lama and Archbishop Tutu, the Portable Thoreau and the Imitation of Mary. Most of what I read really resonates with my spirit and helps me to understand myself better.
For instance, on sadness, the Book of Joy offers much insight into how it can really help us be better people causing us to be more compassionate towards others. I have deep sadness right now because of what has happened with my father. He will never be the same, yet continues to live which I am grateful to God for. But his bane existence wipes me out almost every time I see him. He often doesn’t make much sense although at times he makes perfect sense. I take what I can and leave the rest to God to sort out.
On another note, I am slightly psychotic right now again. I am not sure how this has happened and I have plans to call my pdoc in the morning and I don’t know how I feel about this. I was doing so well with no psychotic symptoms for years and now that I am again I am just hopeful my pdoc will know what to do.
I am experiencing thought insertion, no voices this time. It is amazing that I can read right now although I am only absorbing about 25% of what I read and retaining even less than that. But I have had a virus with much free time on my hands so I read anyway and do my best to not obsess over these unwanted thoughts.
After this gets settled, I plan to continue the job search for a low stress job that will allow me to continue to receive permanent disability. I had a dream last night that I had a job at a local diner as a waitress which I did for many years before getting my degree. Perhaps I will do that. Who knows what the future holds. Not I, nor do I want to know the future.
Well that is all for now. It is hard to focus my thoughts so I hope this post made sense.