Now that exercise has become a daily habit it seems like I am not even disordered anymore. New muscles seem to pop up as I vary my workouts daily to keep my body guessing. Today I went on a 4 mile uphill downhill hike. My feet are very tired but I feel good from the hike and know I will sleep good tonight like usual.
Thank you to all of you who shared what exercises you are doing to stay mentally fit. I just love life these days, with each new day presenting a new opportunity to feel great through exercise. I joined two hiking clubs, one is silent meditation hiking and the other one is more social and fast paced. I like the silent hikes better. I believe talking is overrated. I would much rather pray and observe nature in silence…. That being said I did receive a thought while on one of the silent meditation hikes in thinking a lot about my father and when he will die. The thought was that death is not a separation… This gives me hope that after he passes I will still feel connected to him although his body will no longer be present. But for now he is still with us and I enjoy every minute I get to spend with him. Today as I was leaving he was making oogly faces when I told him I was going to bring him more ressus peanut butter cup ice cream. He just loved it! These small moments leave me so happy!
The next time I see my pdoc in April I am going to discuss with him how to check if I still need the anti-anxiety meds and what is the best way to try going without, to taper down or just skip a dosage. I always check with my pdoc before changing any medication.
Can’t remember if I shared on here about taking an art class working with pewter but my art class is fun too and is very social. I am so picky when it comes to people but I really enjoy this small community of artists. I have made one good friend within the group, which I find as I get older is more rare than common. My “creation” piece is almost outlined and then I will start embossing certain areas. I will post a pic of it when it is done. I will still need to mount the pewter to wood and add finishing touches. I don’t work on it every day but only when I am in the mood and then it is therapeutic. If I work on it when I am not in the mood it feels forced and isn’t enjoyable but more of a chore.
As I continue to branch out and get involved in the community I have more hope. I still may work again but that remains to be seen so I am not worried about it right now. Still waiting on my permanent disability hearing. It has been a year but my lawyers say it may take 18 months now:(
So I don’t talk a lot about my struggles with alcohol but it seems I can only get about two years sober and then I relapse. I had one glass of wine and began to obsess about being a normal drinker. I am not a normal drinker, I have proven that for many years in and out of the program. I had dreams of drinking a bottle of wine for new year’s eve and red wine ahhh red wine. Makes me feel so fine.
I need to be checking on my mental health. I have an appointment with my pdoc soon, I think next week so that is good. My diet and exercise have been hit and miss, some days good some days lazy and eating because of the holidays. I have a fridge full of food!
But the important thing is that I don’t drink no matter what!
This is my rant to cyberspace. If anyone reads this please be aware that I am ok just want to share with my readers and anyone where I am at…
Today opened my eyes to something. I am not the same person I was prepsychosis. I used to be a very able bodied person, could handle a lot and get the job done. Well I still can get the job done but it wipes me out at the end of the day and sometimes the next day. I can’t even imagine working again, as I look at all the job descriptions with the degree I have I think no I know that I can’t do the job. I may be able to do it for a while but not long term. This is ok. I am content being a housewife, mother of a teenage child and two adult children, daughter of two frail parents who I do help a lot, blogger and dog lover. But I fail so much because of this disorder. I don’t finish what I start so often and I often don’t start things because I don’t want to fail yet again.
I have self medicated with alcohol (been over 2 years though since I had a drink), marijuana (been clean almost 2 weeks) and food is my worst and best friend although I have managed to lose most of the weight I gained since starting on anti-psychotics through proper diet and exercise. So I guess I should be proud of that. and I succeed at other things too like I made a thanksgiving dinner for six people the other day and it was a huge success. So it is not that I am inept, I just can’t hold down a job or finish some projects out of fear of I don’t know what.
Thank you to all the people who have encouraged me on here, it did help when someone commented that I should look at my blogging as a form of work, helping others. I guess that is why I am blogging now because I want my readers to know that I struggle every day because of this disorder and I have very few people I can talk to about all my struggles. Today I was talking to my brother who is not mentally disordered and he was sharing with me all that was going on in his busy life and I was very proud of him and a little jealous because my life consists of so much less. I used to have huge aspirations, even got my Master’s Degree but now when I dust that large framed certificate I just cringe because I know I will never use it again.
I know I need to be gentle with myself and to accept my plight but it is hard to imagine another 40 years like this. I wake up every day and struggle to get going and some days are better than others. I need and do appreciate the days when I am able to get things done. But some days like today I just sit at my computer for hours and surf the web for something interesting to read and visit my favorite pages and sit and sit. I use music a lot though and that helps. I am a huge George Michael fan I must admit!
So I guess what I want to say is that sometimes life just isn’t fair. I am happy but still discontent because I remember the days when I was able to do so much more. I wish I could be that way again but that isn’t helpful. So I pray the Serenity Prayer, God grant me the ability to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen
So after a month of interviewing with this one mattress store, after my third interview, I got the call that I got the job! I was ecstatic to say the least. I start right away and it will be 40 hours a week.
So this means I am giving up on permanent disability for now and really trying to see if I can make it at a less stressful job. I think it will be fine because I did work for several years at a stressful job and going to work everyday wasn’t the problem, it was the stressful clients. This job will be much less stress and I should make some pretty good money.
We celebrated naturally last night and went to a steakhouse with my immediate family although my dear daughter wasn’t there nor my youngest son (sad face) but my eldest was there with his girlfriend and my husband so it was pretty cool.
The sad part is that I will not get to see my dad as much working full time but I know I will still go. My visits with him have gotten shorter anyway because he really is not with it and he doesn’t talk at all except occasionally. I am doing well with his eminent death. From the stages of grief I think I am in the acceptance stage. I love him dearly and don’t want him to die but I know it will happen sooner or later. It is my mom I worry about more because she is so frail and not doing well but I will still help her out on my days off and be there for her as much as possible.
All in all it will be a good thing that I am working, for the money, for my sanity, to feel productive, to force myself to get out of my house…. My pdoc is ok with it so that is cool!
I still have some days when I don’t feel like I can handle life very well. One day last week it was super hot and I had a major anxiety attack at Church. But we left early and I went home and felt better.
Has the heat ever caused any of you to have an anxiety attack like that?
Well that is enough rambling about me. Will keep you all posted on how work goes! I start Saturday so that will be great and one word for you ladies! I need work clothes so…
Sometimes life just gets hard. It is hard to know the right thing to do especially when one suffers from mental illness. I am dually diagnosed, I suffer from addiction along with Schizoaffective disorder. I fight it though and am happy to say that today I am clean and sober and taking my mental illness meds as prescribed. It is not every day that I can say that, but I have hope for many more days like today to come, one day at a time.
I have new hope that God will carry me through when I cannot lift myself up even in prayer.
The great part is that there are these really good people in my life today who help me to see the positive side of things. Negative people have a very small place in my life. If I could I would eliminate them altogether but when they are immediate family it is very hard. I try to be positive with them, always pointing out the good in every situation and lately there have been some situations which just suck! But I do my best and I think I am doing a really great job with what life has given me.
I will leave you with this prayer which I try to live each day. It really helps me to get through everything with grace and dignity.
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (you),