Am I numb now? I think not. Visited my dad today with my mom and was a good visit. Yesterday was the 5 year anniversary of his strokes…that is all I wish to say about that. Haven’t found comfort in the bottle lately over the past five years of his almost dying many times. I’d rather be sober lately which is much better…
So even though I am very sad about my dad I am in the middle of planning a huge baby shower for my daughter in law and it is going well. As she is growing, and many wonderful changes are occurring to her body, I am also adjusting and trying to accept myself more to be the best grandma I can or know how. I’m pretty good with kids I think and they like me so can’t wait. Today was spent washing a large box of baby girl clothes. Some really cute clothes I found on facebook that were given to me for free.
I have been watching old videos of my kids when they were young and seeing myself before I got schizoaffective disorder is trippy! I am learning to accept myself in many aspects that have been a struggle for most of my life. This includes accepting my body. I would rather be happy and chubby than skinny and psychotic. So I accept that I just have to take this medication that helps but causes these side effects.
I am also sometimes loud and obnoxious although I think I have mellowed with age and being on meds.
So I accept my life for what it is; imperfect yet fun, challenging but interesting. Good and bad and everything in between.
Wishing all my American followers and happy 4th of July! And I also believe it was Happy Canada Day (hope I got that right).
For further inspiration check out this newer blog started during the pandemic of black and white photography. It’s really cool so check it out here to be inspired.
Bottom line, trust has been broken, and just took an assessment of previous appointment for tomorrow’s appointment. I checked that I was not happy with the last appointment. We shall see what he says about that.
I’ve been with him since 2008, 13 years, with just a minor break when his team didn’t inform him I was suicidal. He called me himself and apologized. He has been great with my schizoaffective disorder but is lacking with the DID so thinking about switching. But it’s complicated as usual…
I get free meds from him, but do I even want those meds? I have skipped the second dose of Latuda for a few days and notice nothing. Wondering if I need to be on Latuda even? I guess tomorrow when we meet I will address these concerns. If he isn’t willing to adjust, I may have to switch. Spent my afternoon getting referrals to other psychiatrists. That is the one good thing about covid, everything is virtual so I am not limited to my area but am looking in LA. Ewww Beverly Hills even. haha another delusion for me.
I wonder if it is a delusion for me to stay with what has worked for 13 years or to take on a new pdoc? It is scary!
Today I wish I could say goodbye to that part of me that has schizoaffective disorder…I can wish can’t I?
Been paranoid a little lately. Always something going on to make me suspicious. Anyone else?
I am on a quest, once again. And nothing will stop me unless the Universe demands it of me…
I have much work ahead of me but am piecing it all together and it is starting to make sense. To unravel my brain is not easy but recognizing patterns, coping mechanisms and reading inspirational works really helps. I am also willing to be honest with myself and although I am my biggest critic am learning to be gentle with the parts of me that I am asking to leave.
My past is of no matter anymore except when it serves me to think about why I have one of my parts. My part called Storm, who doesn’t give a fuck about anything, is the one I am really discerning why this part comes up. I believe that it stems from when I was a teenager and had controlling parents. I did things I am not proud of but I was under the influence of heavy illegal drugs and Storm was actively present.
Yet all the crazy things I did were with measure but still extreme at times. I lived on the streets of New York at age 18 and it was insane. I would walk around bad parts of Lower East Side Manhattan at 2am and act like I was crazy so people would leave me alone. I am just now remembering some of it. When a friend, Carrie a 14 year old runaway from New Jersey died in a fire I came home, went to rehab and began my life as a mother and wife. I wasn’t disturbed at all with mental issues raising my children until I got Schizophrenia when my kids were 8, 12, and 17.
But this f’n medicine with so many side effects helps but yet I wish I didn’t have to take it. Weight gain is my current sadness. Today was a fun but sad day. We spent the afternoon at my sister’s, our first time hanging out over there since her husband passed in November 2020. My sister pulled out all the stops and it was an oasis retreat with her pool and cabanas. We haven’t been invited over there for years. Not sure why but perhaps it was because they needed that time for each other and now that my sister is on her own is really enjoying family.
I also bought my first baby clothes for Sofia, my granddaughter due in October! Little pink tie dye onesie and little jeans with booties with lemons on them which my dil loves. Fun times today for sure!
This healing journey is long but I am ready, I think.
Right now I am fighting the urge to drink. So far I am winning but it is an obsession today when my daughter is away.
Minor annoyances occurring and it seems like a drink will solve all my problems. But I made a reminder card today why I can’t drink and reading it helped but praying for the urge to pass.
Distractions for this can be very helpful. I have been … gardening, which is helping and I made my to do list but right now don’t feel like doing any of it. Gardening in the sun wears me out but I’m never out there for more than a half an hour at a time.
I did visit my dad today with my mom and he was asleep for the most part but had good color. Still not eating. Still knowing every visit might be my last. But it takes a toll and is probably why I want to numb out with alcohol.
Distractions can also be harmful though by not dealing with whatever is causing the urge to drink or to deal with my integrating. It’s all together really as I continue to make connections along the way. Today was going to work on myself while driving but didn’t. I must focus on the road but it was interesting that that was my go to plan because couldn’t figure out my daughter’s car radio. Tonight will use distractions to get the house in order and tomorrow will plan on dealing with why I reach for the bottle and some integration. I am doing all of this on my own and the help of God. I’ve got to figure this shit out.
Tomorrow my hubbie is supposed to start working on my vw squareback that I’m be cruising around town in! We shall see as the bathroom needs attention with the sink. It’s his only day off so hate to push him but I really need a car to visit my dad and bring my mom on her good days. God has a plan and I am obeying.
Yesterday was a hard day because of the scammer. He continued to reach out on Facebook, but I reported it all and they took it all down. Did my part anyway! But was cycling through little one, lost one and saint one. In the end I won. Thank you God!
I’m about to embark upon a new journey into myself and externally too! I’m finally getting it together.
Let me set the stage~
Nag champa burning,, coffee at my side, saying good bye to habits that do not serve me well. It’s a hot day and I have little to worry about at least for the moment. My lightweight sweater hangs off my shoulder feeling the heat although it is cool inside my home, my home my sanctuary. The garden will await until later but it beckons me. Do I dare sit out there a bit in the shade. I think so…
Annoying side effect of the anti-psychotic medication Risperdal. I rock when I am standing and someone captured it on video last night at the gender reveal party at my son’s home. I was excited and surprised that they are actually having a baby girl, Sophie, Sophia. Much to do to plan and have the baby shower but it’s all fun and that is what I want lately!
Last night was fun minus the rocking!
Off to the garden, my pups will follow but will be disappointed it’s too hot for a game of fetch.
Sure difficulties arise and I am stuck often but ultimately it is about my choices at the end of the day.
Ever since I realized that my busyness is often a distraction of unhealed childhood trauma, I haven’t been as busy ha ha! I do what needs to get done but took the last few days off just relaxing and reflecting on my life and how I often I get in the way of myself…
I enjoy being in the garden, yet I don’t relax out there nearly enough. This weekend I did though and it was so wonderful. I am still suffering greatly but have been able to push it aside and enjoy a few minutes, hours, days of fun, mixed with visiting my dad who is at the end, and still a joy. I visit him every day I can and I do this because I want to. I am not letting it ruin my days though and have been making time to do some really cool things.
I actually hung out in person with two other people, a gal and my non-binary peer counselor. It was chill! This was a major breakthrough for me to go and be with new friends. We walked from Safe Haven to a local coffee shop. I’m going next week again because we all enjoyed it so much at least I think so.
I am still having problems medically and have an appointment tomorrow with my regular nurse practitioner. Going to come right out and ask her if it could be related to my mental health.
Taking a break from my therapy until I know what to do next. I got some new perspective from my peers on the little field trip that I should pursue therapy but I’m kinda like not trusting anyone again with my stuff.
I don’t even want to share it with myself!
Anyway I am pushing through life with a smile on my face because I want to.
I’m a blogging on my phone tonight; a new laptop 👩💻 is on the way!
Fell into some regret today, some dissatisfaction with my way of doing things because I began to compare my way to others and that is never a good thing! I am me, the only me I know! I must do as I see fit with the many gifts God has given me.
I had a good weekend though! Not too much trouble 👿 but if I was perfect what fun would that be? I visited my dad which was hard but recovered today with some prayer , walking, gardening and taking a drive with my pup!
Much thought lately about my childhood; it was a strict one. Still affects me today. Journaling really helps me to discover current patterns that may stem from my upbringing. More will be revealed…
I’ve already mapped most of my week out and hopefully nothing interferes with my plans. Gardening, writing, walking and organizing my home cleaning schedule with the Tomm method. Excited about my week 😊🙏
Well my little hiatus is over! I have detoxed successfully off nicotine and am sober, clean and even off caffeine! This is nuts!
Allen Carrs books easy way to quit smoking/vaping and drinking has made me a happy non smoker forever! It basically ruins your desires to ever smoke, drink or eat junk food again! Wow!
I knew February would be the shift in the alignment of the planets to bring much good light and joy to me and many who are open to receive the many blessings the Universe is readily handing out. God is so good!
I am sifting through some paperwork, taxes and whatnot and then will be working on my 7 ebooks again.
So much has happened since I last wrote! A tsunami of good, money and ideas are flowing. I lost communication with my dearest friend but that sad truth is a story for another day. I think I am just not meant to have close friends but that’s ok with me because I’ve been much more productive not having her in my life.
I will share more soon but just wanted to let you all know I am doing well! Quitting vaping has decreased my anxiety and quitting coffee has removed my digestive issues!
Can’t wait to get back to regular blogging! Thank you all for the wonderful support! I have received a few mental health tips from my readers for the books that I will be trying to finish end of March but no pressure. If anyone else has tips feel free to share them on here or email me at: Victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com