Out of my hands 🙌🏻

Aahhh! Life is so strange often…

But I’m doing the best with all that is on my plate as my dad would say quite often… I like quoting him. He had great wisdom. Thanks dad!

While I recover from my recent psychotic episode and deal with thyroid issues I have more time on my hands and feel inclined to blog.

Upcoming is a guest article on how to help someone who is suicidal, it’s wonderful and well written and will be posting it soon. Also I am going to be sharing more stories of my crazy teenage life and how a lie from my dad when I was living on the streets of New York City circa 1988 saved my life from drug addiction! I just found out about the lie he told from my mom! Thanks mom♥️

This blog is going in a different direction I feel inclined to write about addiction and recovery because that’s where I’m at. And that’s what I’ve always done since starting this blog in 2013!

I just celebrated 6 months off weed and 7 months off alcohol! A miracle from God or my Higher Power I prefer the term nowadays. Life is much better off the drugs for sure.

Peace love and light to all ♥️

Michelle aka Victoria

Hope for the New Year

Dear readers,

Victoria here with late night blogging clean and sober…

I have taken another break from blogging as I had suspected since last post…

There has been ups (much time with my new granddaughter and daughter in law) and downs (this continued pandemic killing and dividing families) and lots in between…

but I have hope tonight after much prayer tonight, pray, hope and don’t worry says St. Padre Pio of Pietrelcina. Easier said than done. Sometimes I think I will stop praying and then my late father and God remind me to never give up in prayer. I was reminded tonight as I have given up on my brother lately for various reasons which I shall not share here.

I, myself, am doing quite well in recovery from Schizoaffective Disorder/Schizophrenia. Happy to have recovered from DID disorder this year and for my dad’s timely passing into eternal life and his funeral/memorial finally taking place last week. I ended up giving the eulogy which I was very pleased with and of which many shared that I gave a very apt description of my dad, my hero. He is ever with me in spirit though and I have photos to prove it.

Orbs, stars, and lights all celebrate the life he now enjoys with God and those who have gone before him in death to this physical life. Precious moments of grieving my loss of his physical presence on earth but excited every day to see how he will present himself to me in gentle and not so gentle reminders of his ever presence in my life and those who loved him.

Birds, bats, the moon, ice cubes, music and more all make me think of him. I don’t spend the whole day on his memories anymore as I did the first few months since his passing. Sometimes when I hold my granddaughter I can feel his presence the most and for that I am very grateful to God almighty.

My birthday is October 16th, my granddaughter’s is October 17th and my dad”s and his twin brother’s is October 18th… Is this another strange coincidence or a sign of answered prayers of mine and my dad’s before his passing? I think and hope the latter. She is so precious to me and her mom, dad and the whole family on both sides. We all get along so famously!

Now that I am living again and living clean and sober I find myself happy to be alive once again.

Recovery is possible for those with this dastard disorder. I take my meds, exercise, eat healthy, pray, asking God for guidance and my dad too. And it is working…

But I must thank those who have made it possible to be here so grateful tonight. My husband, my children especially my daughter, my select friends, Safe Haven peers especially Jordan who I miss our talks and their understanding comforting words of encouragement. I have lost friends and family this year, and gained new ones. Life is the never changing circle of life.

I might be content tonight but my life has been plagued by many problems arising from the most unlikely places. For example the awaited glorious birth of my granddaughter followed the next night by the terrible accident of my youngest son (age 22), he’s ok but suffering still. The beautiful memory of my dad’s funeral/memorial preceded by half the family either getting covid or getting exposed to it and unable to come. The passing of my dad in my hometown in Ca while we were landing in Hawaii with the gift of one week of grieving in my favorite place on earth other than my hometown in Ca.

Life is bittersweet and this year has proven it.

But grateful that I am no longer suffering with this disorder because I have found the right med cocktail, discovered helpful supplements, and given exercise a chance to improve my physical and mental state. I have put in great effort to get here and I hope to be sharing more on Sundays.

So stick around and follow me if you please. Sundays are my rest day. And Sunday just ended here so with that I will bid you all adieu and wish you love, peace, light and joy today and every day and hoping to check in more often on here my new life as a gramma, momma, wife, child of God, sister, friend and more.

Pax

Victoria

Welcome back me…

It’s been a little while since I have blogged because I have been very busy working on me, being a new gramma, and just keeping busy with some very cool stuff.

I’m doing really well this past season, very focused, very helpful and lots of me time.

Tonight picked up dinner so have a little extra time to share my thoughts on here.

I have been very touched to receive likes on many of my past posts and when I do I read my own words in the blog and am amazed how much things have changed over the last year! It’s weird but it really helps me a lot. But I have decided to get back into blogging to free my mind and share how having a very organized life can really help one with this dastard disorder.

I have been clean and sober for almost 6 months now and it feels great to not be using drugs and alcohol to cope with my feelings of sadness over my dad’s passing in September and happy to be free of it all to be there for my granddaughter. Being fully present with her makes me feel proud for all my hard work.

I got clean with the help of 12 step programs, and got a sponsor right away and am currently on step 6. It is good to have someone to share my ups and downs with and to be very honest I have rare cravings to return to a life of weed and alcohol. It’s such a different life but one that I am embracing fully.

I still rely on coffee and cigarettes but am working on that too and have learned that I can go a long time without a cig. because I never smoke when I am with my granddaughter and that is a lot lately.

My husband bought me a 2014 suv to safely take her on her appointments so it is nice to finally have a reliable clean and safe vehicle. I don’t work still and have no plans to because of my Schizoaffective Disorder so it was not imperative until recently to get a new used car. It is beautful with all the bells and whistles.

I must also mention that I have finally found a trusted therapist who is helping me to deal with my traumatic upbringing and is teaching me ways I can check my own reality through journaling and stepping outside of the situation that may be causing me angst to see if my feelings are valid or if I am just running on self will run riot. It’s expensive but we are making tremendous progress so going to continue as long as we see fit. It is amazing how one can heal with the right therapist. He asks me questions often that I think about through the week and it is helping me greatly.

I have also stopped using my dear daughter for emotional support. This is huge and I do feel guilty that I used her for so long since getting this disorder in 2006 when she was only 12 years old. I shared way to much with her and she grew up fast supporting her mom, me, all these years. She is 27 now and we get to have adult conversations where I am supporting her instead of the norm of the past 15 years. I had no one else, but now I do, and since my epiphany realized through therapy I get to just be her mother which is wonderful. I try not to focus albeit hard not to do on the way things have been but instead am very careful how much I share with her. This came about through my therapy.

It has been quite the year for me and for many. I would like to recap briefly.

If you are still with me, thanks for reading this far. For those of you who are new, some of this may be surreal to imagine how this year has unfolded but it is not fiction. I couldn’t dream of making it up.

2021

January got out of credit card debt

February found out I was going to be a gramma! Elated naturally but this made me want to improve my habits to be the best grammy I can be

Some time after that, realized I had not only Schizoaffective Disorder but also DID disorder, which is dissasociation through having different identities ( I had 15). Once I realized this I worked very hard to self integrate and become one again. I was successful albeit painful almost through sheer will, research, and lots of prayer. One gets this disorder often through trauma in childhood and I certainly qualified. I did see a therapist briefly but decided to self integrate because I knew I couldn’t possibly care for a baby while suffering this condition. I am one now and although still dealing with the trauma of childhood and beyond am happy I no longer suffer this condition.

Soon after self integrating I got sober and then clean off of my daily habit of vaping weed. This was hard yet simple with the help of 12 step programs.

My father who has been sick for 5 long years passed on 9-11-21. Again a very hard thing to go through when he finally passed.

A month later my granddaughter was born the day after my birthday, the day before what would have been my late father’s birthday. A very special trio of days to celebrate, 10/16, 10/17 and 10/18.

My heavy grieving for my father ceased the night my granddaughter was born as I was so full of joy.

Soon after her birth I started therapy to cope with the grief and to learn boundaries, communication and how to do my own reality checks. It is a learning curve but I know I am on the right path.

All caught up for now!

Wishing you all a wonderful Thanksgiving if in Usa and if from a different country peace love light and joy.

I hope to blog more frequently in the upcoming months but no promises I cannot keep.

God bless and keep you all!

Comments are always welcome!

Michelle

Update and upcoming guest article on staying out of debt when in school…

Greetings! Been very busy with disaster after disaster but still looking up!

Had a very successful baby shower with 60 people! Was a lot of work but worth it and lots of fun!

The week of the baby shower, that I was mainly in charge of, we suffered through fraudulent activity on my debit card from a scam my husband fell for, and of course the bank was out of new cards due to covid blast it! So had to pay for everything with cash since we are out of debt and don’t have a credit card anymore.

Speaking about debt, I will be posting here shortly today or tomorrow a guest article from Ed Carter who writes helpful financial articles for just the good of it. So watch out for that coming soon if you are a student or are thinking about going back to school!

Back to my update, so anyway major hassle with not having a debit card. I was able to borrow my daughter’s for important things like my MUSIC! lol still waiting on new card, hopefully today will arrive. Then had to have emergency oral surgery last week 3 days before the shower! Then my dog sprained her back so needs special care while it heals. At the same moment I was dealing with baking 72 cupcakes, and my dog Butter, I get a call from extended care that my dad was about to pass! I was so upset I smashed a cupcake that wouldn’t come out of the tin lol.

I have had some anger problems lately, twice in same week. When everything happens at once I get so mad. When I was smoking weed I was so mellow and now that I am feeling my emotions have to learn better anger management skills me thinks…

But life is definitely much better off weed, feeling the sadness over my dad (he is still barely hanging on), and joy of becoming a grandma in October!

I did promise my faithful followers I will explain how I integrated from DID disorder. I will get to it but to be honest I am not quite sure how it happened lol but I will share soon:) Thanks for your patience!

Peace to all of you who have remained with me during this exciting transition to better mental health.

One last thing, if I may. I started taking Omega -3 fish oil about two weeks ago and have noticed a significant improvement with my depression and overall mood. it’s a cheap fix worth trying if you struggle too!

The ebbs and flows of life…

Am I numb now? I think not. Visited my dad today with my mom and was a good visit. Yesterday was the 5 year anniversary of his strokes…that is all I wish to say about that. Haven’t found comfort in the bottle lately over the past five years of his almost dying many times. I’d rather be sober lately which is much better…

So even though I am very sad about my dad I am in the middle of planning a huge baby shower for my daughter in law and it is going well. As she is growing, and many wonderful changes are occurring to her body, I am also adjusting and trying to accept myself more to be the best grandma I can or know how. I’m pretty good with kids I think and they like me so can’t wait. Today was spent washing a large box of baby girl clothes. Some really cute clothes I found on facebook that were given to me for free.

I have been watching old videos of my kids when they were young and seeing myself before I got schizoaffective disorder is trippy! I am learning to accept myself in many aspects that have been a struggle for most of my life. This includes accepting my body. I would rather be happy and chubby than skinny and psychotic. So I accept that I just have to take this medication that helps but causes these side effects.

I am also sometimes loud and obnoxious although I think I have mellowed with age and being on meds.

So I accept my life for what it is; imperfect yet fun, challenging but interesting. Good and bad and everything in between.

Wishing all my American followers and happy 4th of July! And I also believe it was Happy Canada Day (hope I got that right).

For further inspiration check out this newer blog started during the pandemic of black and white photography. It’s really cool so check it out here to be inspired.

Peace love light and joy

Victoria

My attempt at a poem…

Angels to fly

Beyond the sunset

ever reaching for God of the unknown

ever wanting connection

connection is elusive

still trying

covered in white

seeking with all that I am to reach the eternal source of all that is good!

What am I waiting for?

I do not know

It is within my grasp..

only have to lift my heart and my soul

off I go.

Daisy daisy, God is good!

Credits to ed Sheeran my listening tonight, hearts don’t break around here.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

What if I don’t trust my psychiatrist anymore?…

Bottom line, trust has been broken, and just took an assessment of previous appointment for tomorrow’s appointment. I checked that I was not happy with the last appointment. We shall see what he says about that.

I’ve been with him since 2008, 13 years, with just a minor break when his team didn’t inform him I was suicidal. He called me himself and apologized. He has been great with my schizoaffective disorder but is lacking with the DID so thinking about switching. But it’s complicated as usual…

I get free meds from him, but do I even want those meds? I have skipped the second dose of Latuda for a few days and notice nothing. Wondering if I need to be on Latuda even? I guess tomorrow when we meet I will address these concerns. If he isn’t willing to adjust, I may have to switch. Spent my afternoon getting referrals to other psychiatrists. That is the one good thing about covid, everything is virtual so I am not limited to my area but am looking in LA. Ewww Beverly Hills even. haha another delusion for me.

I wonder if it is a delusion for me to stay with what has worked for 13 years or to take on a new pdoc? It is scary!

Today I wish I could say goodbye to that part of me that has schizoaffective disorder…I can wish can’t I?

Been paranoid a little lately. Always something going on to make me suspicious. Anyone else?

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Healing journey…

I am on a quest, once again. And nothing will stop me unless the Universe demands it of me…

I have much work ahead of me but am piecing it all together and it is starting to make sense. To unravel my brain is not easy but recognizing patterns, coping mechanisms and reading inspirational works really helps. I am also willing to be honest with myself and although I am my biggest critic am learning to be gentle with the parts of me that I am asking to leave.

My past is of no matter anymore except when it serves me to think about why I have one of my parts. My part called Storm, who doesn’t give a fuck about anything, is the one I am really discerning why this part comes up. I believe that it stems from when I was a teenager and had controlling parents. I did things I am not proud of but I was under the influence of heavy illegal drugs and Storm was actively present.

Yet all the crazy things I did were with measure but still extreme at times. I lived on the streets of New York at age 18 and it was insane. I would walk around bad parts of Lower East Side Manhattan at 2am and act like I was crazy so people would leave me alone. I am just now remembering some of it. When a friend, Carrie a 14 year old runaway from New Jersey died in a fire I came home, went to rehab and began my life as a mother and wife. I wasn’t disturbed at all with mental issues raising my children until I got Schizophrenia when my kids were 8, 12, and 17.

But this f’n medicine with so many side effects helps but yet I wish I didn’t have to take it. Weight gain is my current sadness. Today was a fun but sad day. We spent the afternoon at my sister’s, our first time hanging out over there since her husband passed in November 2020. My sister pulled out all the stops and it was an oasis retreat with her pool and cabanas. We haven’t been invited over there for years. Not sure why but perhaps it was because they needed that time for each other and now that my sister is on her own is really enjoying family.

I also bought my first baby clothes for Sofia, my granddaughter due in October! Little pink tie dye onesie and little jeans with booties with lemons on them which my dil loves. Fun times today for sure!

This healing journey is long but I am ready, I think.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Distractions can be helpful or harmful…

Right now I am fighting the urge to drink. So far I am winning but it is an obsession today when my daughter is away.

Minor annoyances occurring and it seems like a drink will solve all my problems. But I made a reminder card today why I can’t drink and reading it helped but praying for the urge to pass.

Distractions for this can be very helpful. I have been … gardening, which is helping and I made my to do list but right now don’t feel like doing any of it. Gardening in the sun wears me out but I’m never out there for more than a half an hour at a time.

I did visit my dad today with my mom and he was asleep for the most part but had good color. Still not eating. Still knowing every visit might be my last. But it takes a toll and is probably why I want to numb out with alcohol.

Distractions can also be harmful though by not dealing with whatever is causing the urge to drink or to deal with my integrating. It’s all together really as I continue to make connections along the way. Today was going to work on myself while driving but didn’t. I must focus on the road but it was interesting that that was my go to plan because couldn’t figure out my daughter’s car radio. Tonight will use distractions to get the house in order and tomorrow will plan on dealing with why I reach for the bottle and some integration. I am doing all of this on my own and the help of God. I’ve got to figure this shit out.

Tomorrow my hubbie is supposed to start working on my vw squareback that I’m be cruising around town in! We shall see as the bathroom needs attention with the sink. It’s his only day off so hate to push him but I really need a car to visit my dad and bring my mom on her good days. God has a plan and I am obeying.

Yesterday was a hard day because of the scammer. He continued to reach out on Facebook, but I reported it all and they took it all down. Did my part anyway! But was cycling through little one, lost one and saint one. In the end I won. Thank you God!

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Extreme action yet trying to balance it…

I’m about to embark upon a new journey into myself and externally too! I’m finally getting it together.

Let me set the stage~

Nag champa burning,, coffee at my side, saying good bye to habits that do not serve me well. It’s a hot day and I have little to worry about at least for the moment. My lightweight sweater hangs off my shoulder feeling the heat although it is cool inside my home, my home my sanctuary. The garden will await until later but it beckons me. Do I dare sit out there a bit in the shade. I think so…

Annoying side effect of the anti-psychotic medication Risperdal. I rock when I am standing and someone captured it on video last night at the gender reveal party at my son’s home. I was excited and surprised that they are actually having a baby girl, Sophie, Sophia. Much to do to plan and have the baby shower but it’s all fun and that is what I want lately!

Last night was fun minus the rocking!

Off to the garden, my pups will follow but will be disappointed it’s too hot for a game of fetch.

I am integrating for those who are following!

peace love light and joy!

Victoria