The day started off all right, went to my women’s aa meeting, spoke with a dear friend, ate healthy, got my sleep, got some resources to help my depressed mother, visited her and she was doing poorly, visited my dad who had a stroke in July and is in a care facility, got some good coffee, visited my son at work, and then it hit…
A panic or sadness attack of some sort. I remembered later that I didn’t take my attivan in the morning because I have been doing so well. I felt like I shouldn’t drive. It crept up on me when I visited my son at work I was thought I was picking him up and was going to ask him to drive home because I was beginning to feel unwell but he had to work late and had secured a ride so I decided to go for a walk on a local trail. I was praying the rosary and saw a bench in the shade. So I sat for a while and waited for whatever it was to pass. I was texting my daughter about my visit with my dad and didn’t want to bother her with how I was feeling but did share with her later.
I don’t really know what it was or why I don’t let people know when I am not doing so well at the time I am not doing well??? This confuses me, my disorder confuses me, my moments that can last up to a couple of hours confuses me.
I don’t see my therapist until a week and a half and will surely share with him this day. I do have lots of support. I talked to my aa sponsor soon after I finally drove home which helped. I made a nice dinner for my husband and hung out with him for the evening then just finished a relaxing hot bath. I didn’t work out today and that’s ok on days like this. I know when I feel this way that even a workout won’t help me feel better.
I guess the best way to describe it is as being mentally unwell. I am under a lot of stress with caring for my parents so I need to be sure to take my meds every day. My psychiatrist told me I only had to take the attivan as needed. I guess I need it! Ha ha. If that was all that it was then that’s good news. I am glad I didn’t drive when I felt that way. I guess there is a lot to be grateful for!
Hoping for a better day tomorrow, I am going shopping with my mom so that will be good for both of us.
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Now that exercise has become a daily habit it seems like I am not even disordered anymore. New muscles seem to pop up as I vary my workouts daily to keep my body guessing. Today I went on a 4 mile uphill downhill hike. My feet are very tired but I feel good from the hike and know I will sleep good tonight like usual.
Thank you to all of you who shared what exercises you are doing to stay mentally fit. I just love life these days, with each new day presenting a new opportunity to feel great through exercise. I joined two hiking clubs, one is silent meditation hiking and the other one is more social and fast paced. I like the silent hikes better. I believe talking is overrated. I would much rather pray and observe nature in silence…. That being said I did receive a thought while on one of the silent meditation hikes in thinking a lot about my father and when he will die. The thought was that death is not a separation… This gives me hope that after he passes I will still feel connected to him although his body will no longer be present. But for now he is still with us and I enjoy every minute I get to spend with him. Today as I was leaving he was making oogly faces when I told him I was going to bring him more ressus peanut butter cup ice cream. He just loved it! These small moments leave me so happy!
The next time I see my pdoc in April I am going to discuss with him how to check if I still need the anti-anxiety meds and what is the best way to try going without, to taper down or just skip a dosage. I always check with my pdoc before changing any medication.
Can’t remember if I shared on here about taking an art class working with pewter but my art class is fun too and is very social. I am so picky when it comes to people but I really enjoy this small community of artists. I have made one good friend within the group, which I find as I get older is more rare than common. My “creation” piece is almost outlined and then I will start embossing certain areas. I will post a pic of it when it is done. I will still need to mount the pewter to wood and add finishing touches. I don’t work on it every day but only when I am in the mood and then it is therapeutic. If I work on it when I am not in the mood it feels forced and isn’t enjoyable but more of a chore.
As I continue to branch out and get involved in the community I have more hope. I still may work again but that remains to be seen so I am not worried about it right now. Still waiting on my permanent disability hearing. It has been a year but my lawyers say it may take 18 months now:(
So I don’t talk a lot about my struggles with alcohol but it seems I can only get about two years sober and then I relapse. I had one glass of wine and began to obsess about being a normal drinker. I am not a normal drinker, I have proven that for many years in and out of the program. I had dreams of drinking a bottle of wine for new year’s eve and red wine ahhh red wine. Makes me feel so fine.
I need to be checking on my mental health. I have an appointment with my pdoc soon, I think next week so that is good. My diet and exercise have been hit and miss, some days good some days lazy and eating because of the holidays. I have a fridge full of food!
But the important thing is that I don’t drink no matter what!
This is my rant to cyberspace. If anyone reads this please be aware that I am ok just want to share with my readers and anyone where I am at…
Today opened my eyes to something. I am not the same person I was prepsychosis. I used to be a very able bodied person, could handle a lot and get the job done. Well I still can get the job done but it wipes me out at the end of the day and sometimes the next day. I can’t even imagine working again, as I look at all the job descriptions with the degree I have I think no I know that I can’t do the job. I may be able to do it for a while but not long term. This is ok. I am content being a housewife, mother of a teenage child and two adult children, daughter of two frail parents who I do help a lot, blogger and dog lover. But I fail so much because of this disorder. I don’t finish what I start so often and I often don’t start things because I don’t want to fail yet again.
I have self medicated with alcohol (been over 2 years though since I had a drink), marijuana (been clean almost 2 weeks) and food is my worst and best friend although I have managed to lose most of the weight I gained since starting on anti-psychotics through proper diet and exercise. So I guess I should be proud of that. and I succeed at other things too like I made a thanksgiving dinner for six people the other day and it was a huge success. So it is not that I am inept, I just can’t hold down a job or finish some projects out of fear of I don’t know what.
Thank you to all the people who have encouraged me on here, it did help when someone commented that I should look at my blogging as a form of work, helping others. I guess that is why I am blogging now because I want my readers to know that I struggle every day because of this disorder and I have very few people I can talk to about all my struggles. Today I was talking to my brother who is not mentally disordered and he was sharing with me all that was going on in his busy life and I was very proud of him and a little jealous because my life consists of so much less. I used to have huge aspirations, even got my Master’s Degree but now when I dust that large framed certificate I just cringe because I know I will never use it again.
I know I need to be gentle with myself and to accept my plight but it is hard to imagine another 40 years like this. I wake up every day and struggle to get going and some days are better than others. I need and do appreciate the days when I am able to get things done. But some days like today I just sit at my computer for hours and surf the web for something interesting to read and visit my favorite pages and sit and sit. I use music a lot though and that helps. I am a huge George Michael fan I must admit!
So I guess what I want to say is that sometimes life just isn’t fair. I am happy but still discontent because I remember the days when I was able to do so much more. I wish I could be that way again but that isn’t helpful. So I pray the Serenity Prayer, God grant me the ability to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen