Stress brought on new relapse, going to start Clozapine Monday!

Hello to all!

Stress, as I have written about before, is my biggest enemy with this disorder.  This time it was helping a family member that caused me to relapse into a world of my own.  Oh I look fine on the outside except I am dressed very warm because I am need the warmth right now.

So I went to see my psychiatrist last week and I asked if we could try Clozapine.  He said, “oh the big gun”.  I never knew it was called that.  I wonder why he didn’t try it before after all here I am and I can’t even hold down a job.  But after all the rigmarole I understand now why he did not prescribe it sooner.

First you have to do bloodwork every week for a period and then biweekly and then I believe monthly.  They have to monitor my white blood count to make sure it doesn’t go too low.  So I did that the next day.  Then I go to the pharmacy and they didn’t have it in stock so they sent it to another pharmacy I have never dealt with and they shall be nameless but their service is less to be desired than my regular pharmacy Walmart.

So I am working with my pharmacy and they say I have to be in some registry for this special drug… I had to wait for my busy doctor to enroll me and by the time he did it was too late to get my medicine on Friday and they won’t update the registry until Monday so Monday it is.

I am staying close to home, trying to use my coping skills right now because I feel so unwell.  I have had to disclose my disorder to a few people since I had to stop helping this family member who needs a lot of help and attention.  I had to step back due to her negativity.

I am surrounding myself with positive people and vaping my cbd oil which has helped in the past and helped me to get these thoughts out on here in my safe blog.  I am listening to my fave music, Jason Mraz, who is so amazing.

My son and daughter have also been here with me every step, believing in me and supporting me.  My husband doesn’t get it but is being as understanding as he can be.

I haven’t visited my dad since Monday but may go tomorrow if I feel up to it.  I’m taking it easy right now, being very gentle with myself and trying to stay positive.  I have heard great things about this medicine so I have hope that next week may bring some needed relief.

Pax

Victoria

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No longer delusional… so happy to say!

Hello Readers,

Tonight it finally happened, the deepest delusion fell away at some bizarre thought I had and it had to do with publishing my book.

This is tremendous news and I feel so happy about it!  The weight of the world is off of my shoulders and I praise God for helping me to get to the bottom of this conundrum.  It has been a mystery for so long, since 2006 so many nights ago…

Pax

Victoria

Quality reading and experiencing psychotic symptoms again

I have been doing a lot of reading lately and it is wonderful to be reading some of the greatest classics and uplifting books out there!  I am reading the autobiography of Mahatma Gandhi, The Book of Joy by the Dali Lama and Archbishop Tutu, the Portable Thoreau and the Imitation of Mary.  Most of what I read really resonates with my spirit and helps me to understand myself better.

For instance, on sadness, the Book of Joy offers much insight into how it can really help us be better people causing us to be more compassionate towards others.  I have deep sadness right now because of what has happened with my father. He will never be the same, yet continues to live which I am grateful to God for.  But his bane existence wipes me out almost every time I see him.  He often doesn’t make much sense although at times he makes perfect sense.  I take what I can and leave the rest to God to sort out.

On another note, I am slightly psychotic right now again.  I am not sure how this has happened and I have plans to call my pdoc in the morning and I don’t know how I feel about this.  I was doing so well with no psychotic symptoms for years and now that I am again I am just hopeful my pdoc will know what to do.

I am experiencing thought insertion, no voices this time.  It is amazing that I can read right now although I am only absorbing about 25% of what I read and retaining even less than that.  But I have had a virus with much free time on my hands so I read anyway and do my best to not obsess over these unwanted thoughts.

After this gets settled, I plan to continue the job search for a low stress job that will allow me to continue to receive permanent disability.  I had a dream last night that I had a job at a local diner as a waitress which I did for many years before getting my degree.  Perhaps I will do that.  Who knows what the future holds.  Not I, nor do I want to know the future.

Well that is all for now.  It is hard to focus my thoughts so I hope this post made sense.

Pax

Victoria

Greater is the depth of sadness Than any height of gladness

Greater is the depth  of sadness

Than any height of gladness

Thoreau wrote that and I feel it right now with my dad having 2 strokes since July 2,2016, being paralyzed on his left side, unable to speak much but still enjoys when I bring him coffee or ice cream.  I love my dad and miss talking to him so much but it is still good that I still have him and I appreciate every minute.  The depth of my sadness is intense and doesn’t cease except when I am asleep.  And I sleep good thanks to the medicine that knocks me right out, and I sleep in till 9 or ten every day and I fall asleep by midnight.

Has any one else felt this sadness?

Pax

Victoria

The circle of life

 

My circle of life has come round full circle today, yes it is my birthday but I don’t wish for happy birthdays or congratulations.  Instead I am taking quiet moments by myself to think and ponder on the greatness of life and what my mental illness means to me.

It means so much…When I was psychotic I was on a different plane of existence.  It was beautiful, awesome and scary all at the same time.  Now that I am on medication the symptoms are managed but I have awakened spiritually since that first encounter in 2008, 8 years ago.  I am much more in tuned with God and feel at peace being on medication.

I was supposed to work today but God had other plans.  I felt sick and got out of work, came home and took a 3 hour nap and now am just relaxing before I go out to dinner with my loving family.  I watched a Ted talk on spirituality vs psychosis and found it to be very interesting.  I would be revered in certain cultures and encouraged to be psychotic or spiritually attuned.  The stigma of mental illness would not follow me, instead I would be mentored by someone else who had undergone the same sorts of experiences.

Wow! That is an amazing thought to have on my birthday!

Yet, I know that I will never go off my medication as there are no cultures here that support this type of life.

But in the same breath I can say that my spiritual life is very good right now.  I pray upon awakening and throughout the day and before retiring at night.  I believe in God the Father Almighty who made heaven and earth!

May the God of our understanding comfort you all in all your trials and experiences whether medicated or not.  We each have our own path and walk it the best we can.  For me it is what it is and I don’t regret it.

Pax

Victoria

Delusional still? a conversation

 

Having SA is very hard.  Even on medication the voices stop but the delusions remain although to a much lesser degree.  I go about my days and constantly pray for God’s will for my life and naive as I am I expect God to guide me and some days it appears he does and others I feel without assistance.  Are these my delusions to believe that God will make his will known to me still?

When I was actively psychotic I had a direct line to God or so I thought.  He would give me messages mainly for people to change their lives and do the right thing and there were times when I was dead on as my spiritual advisor can attest to but there were other times when none of it came to be in fact things even turned out quite the opposite from what I thought was going to happen.

I sought help when my life became so dysfunctional that I was falling apart and was becoming unable to take care of daily tasks because I was receiving so many messages.  Ah, the quiet that came after my admittance to the hospital was great although it still took a while for the messages to stop coming.

One dear priest who I sent many messages to even when I was at UCLA has since deceased and I believe he is in heaven now watching over me in the care of God.  Dear Fr. Melito what do you say now?  Were you right to ignore me this child of God or were you supposed to become my spiritual advisor the way God directed you through me?  I will never know now that he is gone.  May his soul rest in peace, Amen.

But back to the delusions going away.  I guess they really haven’t but my life has become more manageable even boring to some extent.  I fulfill my duties as wife, mother and daughter and friend to the best of my ability but somehow I still feel I am a part of a greater plan that only God knows which he will reveal to me if not now then when I die.  So although some may classify me as still being delusional that I am very special, I can go about my life and find meaning in every day things like walking, gardening and reading and helping others.

I take my medication faithfully every day, the other day I think I missed my morning antipsychotic and I had a really bad day but I am not sure because I never miss a day and am not willing to stop taking it to find out if the messages will return.

Please take the poll below if you are so inclined.  I have to say yes due to the aforementioned mentality that still is a part of who I am.  I think many of us with this disorder do still suffer from delusions, for some reason the medicine stops the voices and hallucinations but the delusions seem to remain but to a lesser degree, no I take that back to a less interfering with daily life degree.

Pax

Victoria

Accepting one’s diagnosis

I have accepted my diagnosis and feel like I am on the other side of it now living symptom free.  For different reasons not everyone with a mental disorder is able to accept their diagnosis and I have recently been educated on that fact.  For me it was very freeing to have a diagnosis to explain what was happening to me while psychotic and then when the medication helped me to get stable again and live much more functioning, I was very happy to have medication that works so well.

It is alamring to me when I hear that some people go for a season without their medication.  I cannot imagine going off of mine- for any reason at all.  I do not want to be psychotic again and the medicine keeps it away so why would I want to chance that by playing around with my medication?

Life is so good right now!

But I refuse to judge others’ decisions because my reality is just that, mine not yours.

Comments are welcome!

Pax

Victoria