Morning musing cont…

Morning, as it does, has become evening and I am quite somber tonight reflecting upon the gift of life that God has bestowed upon us all. He can take this gift away or not, it is up to Him. When He wants us home, I shall not delay but jump in His arms and finally get to see Him face to face.

It has been a long day as I sit her in the peace of the night, dog breathing softly next to me asleep in her bed and the other one, my princess, is atop the bed in my meditation room where I sleep and spend much of my day reflecting upon life and listening to the usual, Jason Mraz in his beachlife festival in the Philippines 2019. How I pray for you Philippines!

Not a usual day but got something done and fed me and the family so that’s good. Much sadness mixed with this anticipatory grief at my brother in laws impending death. Pray with me for a miracle. I do want him to remain a while longer for my sister’s sake especially. He is magnanimous and I love him. He’s a good one for sure.

I no longer welcome death, no I send out to the universe vibes of longevity for all to be in God’s will. I used to want to die but I have many protective factors that reduce my chance at suicide among people with schizophrenia. Tomorrow I will write in the am about protective factors.

pax

victoria

My life…

Peaceful

Amazing

I notice the little things often throughout the day  and am amazed at how something so simple, which I may of ignored prior to all this new era of strangeness, can bring me great joy… a flower, a small bug, a smell, a taste…I noticed these things before but now I really try to make them last.

I have my share of problems though and the delusions are not always at bay but today they are~ so it is a good day.

Nice not to have God giving me messages all the time…. things never working out.  But the quiet of heaven also brings a certain sadness and loss although it wasn’t real it was quite special and beautiful.

Today it was a shower that made me joyful.  The hot water and cleaning of my body and care taken with lotion and conditioner.  I feel clean and am pleased that my husband just came home from working at my son’ s yard and is also taking a shower.  Clean couple for how long?

Today was also really cool.  I bought a kiddie pool last year when it was hot and never used it.  Well it was in the eighties today and me and my adult daughter went in it for several hours.  It was so much fun just hanging out with her being silly in a kiddie pool.  Splashing and the doggies hanging out with us.  Great times…

I am working on my May blog series.  Wish I could just share it now but really want to perfect each blog.  Right now in case you can’t tell I just right off the cuff and it doesn’t always makes sense perfectly when I reread my posts.  I reread them because sometimes I forget what helped me prior and it is awesome to have it all recorded on my blog which has been active since 2013.

My first day of the series starting May 1 is on the benefits of yoga.  I don’t practice this near enough.  But when it does it grounds me.  So I will keep trying to get my mat out.

An injury has prevented me from walking my usual 3-5 miles a day.  Stupid toe.  But it is getting better.  Today I gardened in the morning and it was great.  I am not much of a morning person.  The meds I take at night 3mg of Risperdal keeps me drowsy in the am but I wanted to beat the heat so I got out there at 10!!!  A miracle for me.

Oh, dear Jesus, we need a miracle right now, a cure, a healing of the world, by your blood I claim your healing power amen

pax

Victoria

 

Melt down, still recovering…

After my last post of how well I was doing I hit a wall…

Had to go to busy store to pick up my prescriptions and tried all day the day before to get them delivered but because one of them is a controlled substance they could not.  It was a lot of ups and downs and in the end I did go but got out as quick as I could.  Really freaked me out!

This is fricking nuts!  I am still recovering from my melt down.  Thought about drugs and booze but not about suicide.  No I want to live , I want to give hugs again and shake hands, without the fear…

Tried to quit vaping…didn’t go so well on a stressful day and there may be more to come…

Hope and pray for all of you and your families everywhere, Japan, China, India, Australia to name a few and of course the US.  God bless the world, God bless America!

pax

v

 

It’s a grave new world…

I don’t want to cause further panic in an already much talked about subject but it is a world of which I could never imagine.  People are dying, people are shut in, people are oblivious.

I think about it a lot, can’t help it really with all the ways it is affecting us all.  But I am coping well and getting through it by getting my exercise in every day, eating healthy and today had my first tele-video with my psychiatrist.

It went well and although I didn’t share with him that I am having partial delusions that I am causing the terrible spread of this virus by not being in God’s will that’s ok because I don’t really deep down believe it but there have been some signs of God’s displeasure  of some of my unhealthy habits.  But to think and believe even partially that I am the cause of the terrible state of things is a huge burden to carry.

Haven’t shared it with anyone but am sharing it on here because this is a safe place and hell I have Schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder so I am allowed to believe these things which seem so improbable and unlikely. I did try giving up these things God has said He doesn’t want me to do and there was little change in the state of the world so we shall see.

Sorry to be so vague but many would judge me for these actions so will keep them to myself for the time being.

Exercise and staying busy is my number one suggestion for anyone struggling with mental health right now.  Wash 5 dishes, walk for ten minutes around the house if needed, stretch, do yoga (Adrienne on You tube is fantastic) as is Leslie Sansone’s walking videos also on Youtube!

Anything to get the body moving and of course have some fun.  We have been eating together much of the day.  I live at home with my husband, myself, and two adult children one of which works at home, and the other one just got word he is being fired and is so happy about it!

Amazing how things change in an instant and it is also amazing how we are making COVID memories right now.

There is a song by Maroon 5 called Memories and it is still speaking to me when I want to take a break from my routine and listen to something meaningful.  The guy is hot too but I’m married but can admire from afar a fine specimen of a man with tattoos and the greatest voice.

Well those are my musings of the day.

Stay at peace my friends and stay connected.  You can always email me at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com if you want to know more about my journey or have any comments on my blogs.

Pax

Victoria

#Jesusistheway

 

 

Things that stress me out…

 

and how I cope with a mental disorder.

  1. Money, although there always is some but yet wham, the unexpected or balloon payment is due like say for your taxes.  Mine are due in October.  Think of something else.  Don’t spend a dime.  Save if one can, even pennies add up to dollars.  I have definitely gotten better at saving this year.  I stopped shopping for everything on Amazon and am being more frugal about going to the store for every little item.  My husband was supposed to take over the bills because of my disorder but it hasn’t happened and never will probably.

I don’t work so I have more time to find coupons and deals when we do spend.  He makes a decent income so if I am careful I can really tuck some money away if I’m careful.

I know I am blessed.  I can’t imagine being single and having to rely on my disability income which I get $1,000 a month.

2. Sickness and getting older.  I am not as fit as I used to be but am getting back on track.  But I have been dealing for the past two weeks with a new medical problem surrounding digestive issues and am really trying to avoid going to the doctor right now because of lack of insurance (see #3) at least until October 1.

To combat this stress I try to eat healthy all the time with the occasional goodie.  I also am now exercising 4x a week on average.  I am gardening, walking and doing yoga throughout the week.  This helps my getting in better shape and also helps mental alertness and health.  Today was a rest day and all I wanted to do was to rest but I am in the middle of several projects around the house and rose garden so it was actually harder than I thought it would be to take a day off but my body needed the rest.  So back at it tomorrow!

Although this can stress me out a lot I am learning that the key to my happiness is acceptance.

Now i am much more motivated to do the healthy things that I am doing.  Which in the past it has really been problematic to just sit all day and do nothing, now I do rest in the mornings but do get busier later in the day.  So it is good that I am treating my body better because I have really been sick a lot and it has caused me to make sure I do all I can to be healthy.

I might go to the doctor this week.  We shall see how things go but this relates to #1 the money stress with doctor bills and testing they might want to do.

3.  My parents.  I accept they will not always be around but my dad is paralyzed on his left half of his body and my mom is a fighter but is still very frail yet tough as a bird!

How I combat this stress is by spending as much time with them as I can and appreciating every moment.

4.  Kids and husband.  Kids is easy to combat.  All the work I put in when they were growing up has paid off and although I might not agree with all their decisions I am very proud of the 3 of them.  Interestingly enough, my disorder did not kick in until I was 38 and I was only lost to the world for a year of being psychotic.  Husband is one of my kids ha ha so ditto for him.

I also stress over the unexpected busy day, making sure I take all my meds, doing all I can for my family and friends even when an interruption comes at an inconvenient time.  I used to turn off my phone, which I still do, but I do take calls when I can as needed to be a good friend!

Well that is the main stuff.  What are some things that stress you out and how do you cope?  Comment below or email me at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com.

Bless you all!  Of  course I pray a lot too and try to trust what God is doing.  But it isn’t always easy to do.

pax

Victoria

 

How do I keep busy while I await….

I am currently at 100 mg of clozapine, and despite the tiredness I feel pretty good hopeful and keeping up with everything for the most part…

I have applied for a job which I might get…

But in the meantime I keep myself busy with light tasks and fun hobbies.

I make bath diy products, soap, hand sanitizer, lotion, bath bombs and use my quite nice collection of essential oils, which I have been collecting the last few months.

Lavender is my favorite for night or when I am chilling, jasmine and yiang yiang during the day hours.  I not only have an room diffuser but I also wear a necklace made of lava rocks which diffuse the oils too that I am enjoying.

I also garden when it is nicer and enjoy my flowers throughout the areas I have been working on.  I also just bought a windchime for the front.  Not windy right now though.

I busy myself also with making DIY Christmas decorations.  This year will be a sad year because my daughter isn’t coming home but will be here in January.  It is because of this that I am doing Christmas very different this year.  I sent a few important cards but not to everyone I usually send to.  Why is it that only at Christmas we remember certain people?

I have been celebrating Christmas for weeks now giving away the bath products I made and little well meaning gifts.  I enjoy giving.  IT’s fun to bless someone that isn’t expecting it.

I have much serenity these days as I adjust to my new medication.  Prayer is at the forefront of every day, and I see answered prayer among my day quite frequently.  I have candles burning for different requests.  One for my dad and mom, one for my daughter and a dear friend for their future spouses, one for Mike my husbands friend who tried to kill himself but didn’t succeed but is left in a poor state, one for all my family and loved ones.  To God do I burn these candles and trust my prayers are being heard by heaven!

I do not have much anxiety right now which is good.  I have so much love and joy and am experiencing these wonderful emotions while I wait for what I do not know what the future will bring.

I have a certain sadness because of my dad.  Hoping he makes it another Christmas…

Pax

Victoria

Update: getting used to deep emotions and finding a good balance on new medicine…

Unfolding before me is a new lease on life thanks to Clozapine.  Since increasing my dosage to 50 mg I have had an increased sense of balance and well being.  I see my psychiatrist next week and am so glad to have a good report.

Getting used to my feelings without drowning them in vices…

Closer to God than ever.  I pray the rosary every day and even now it has new meaning.  Time with God and Mary and all the wonderful saints.

I am willing to continue this new life.  I have been connecting with family too which is awesome.  Family is everything to me.  My friends are right there too though.  It is good to have both really.

Life is so wonderful!  I feel more like my old self every day.  Hate to go to bed lol.

Pax

Victoria

A very stressful day but made it, glad for a new day though…

Yesterday was very hard and long for me.  My mom had knee replacement surgery and had to be there at 5:45 am, I didn’t sleep much the night before in fact stayed up late to hang out with my 18 yr old son….

So the day was spent waiting for her to come out of surgery and she is frail mind you so there was that scare.  But she did better than fine.  The surgery was three hours though and had to wait a while to see her in recovery.  Some other stressful things to help her get settled but I got through it and went to bed at 9:00pm last night and slept in till 9.

Today is a new day and I am happy to report she is walking around a little with little pain and a very cheery countenance!

I am glad for new days especially after a hard day like yesterday.  Makes me appreciate things more.  Little things like my ice water and lavendar scents make me happy.  Gardened a little today, watering and prepping for new fall plants.

I have my other hobbies as well such as cleaning my house in depth.  Got my list and getting through it one project at a time.  Even painted some indoors to spruce things up.

My other hobbies (goat soap making and other natural products) and collaging are there too when I get done with the deep cleaning of my house and the gardening and yuck weeding out front.

We might be having a party over here in October so my husband is doing his part getting the yards looking good and getting rid of trash and junk!  We have been married 25 years and although he doesn’t really understand my mental disorder, he is there for me in other ways like leaving me be yesterday for the most part when I was just done with the day!

Hope everyone has a good end of September as October is right around the corner, birthday time soon!  48 years young!!!

Pax

Victoria

 

A realization…

 

I had a fleeting thought today that I could work again…

I used to do so much at my old jobs.

It would seem as if post diagnosis with Schizophrenia since 2008 I have gotten progressively worse off.  With each failure, whether it was quitting, going on disability, or getting fired, I have each time digressed to a lower level of functioning ability.

This last time when I got fired, I now suffer from anxiety much worse than before.  I take two anti-anxiety medicines plus heavy mindfulness and I am ok if I do all that.  Exercising helps too, can’t forget that.  Today I didn’t exercise much but did some heavy housecleaning so got my heartbeat up.

It just seems as if my life is not getting better at least work-wise.  But I will look for a job after the holidays.  After my dear daughter comes home for a week.  She is my biggest supporter and really helps me sort things out on our long walks everywhere.

At least I can manage my home, bills, pets, teenage son, spontaneous husband and 2 aging parents.  I am not their caregiver but do help them throughout the week sometimes daily.

I am blessed to be alive.  I wanted to be dead at one point but no more.  No, I want to live my life fully and I am grateful for every day I can do that.

Pax

Victoria

Going to finish my book!

Happy Thanksgiving to all who celebrate it and to those of you who don’t Happy Thursday (I am stealing this from another blog I read today because I think it is cool!)

As of right now I have stopped searching for work, some financial help has arrived, so I am going to be dedicating 2 hours a day to finish my latest book.  The title appropro is “Finding fulfillment not working”.  I have already written several chapters so I am going to reread them and then go for it!  I will let you all know my progress as it comes.  I am excited to finish this book for many reasons.

Today I woke up in a really good mood and realized that I am the author of my life.  God has my back but it is up to me to make the necessary changes to those parts of my life which are either out of balance or that I am unhappy with.  No one is going to do this for me, no, I will repeat that- no one is going to do it for me.  I have to make the change I wish to see in the world as Gandhi wrote so eloquently when he was alive!

Pax

Victoria