Wishing for a different life tonight…

I am very blessed but have been really stressed lately with internal struggles. I got sick (not covid) and it knocked me on my ass. Been struggling to get motivation back to get back in the good groove I was in and have a plan which is the way I start.

Usually I would give in to this feeling of wanting a different life and run away. But there is no where for me to run to because I would just be there anyway and much of my struggles are within still.

I fight with myself constantly at times, to embrace my character defects, my insecurities, my feeling of not being ok. It is tiring tonight. But had an amazing date with my husband at a restaurant on the beach and even though smoke and fog conditions prevented us from seeing the ocean, my husband could hear it and I know it’s there, just like I rarely forget that God is with me all the time too. It was delicious food and good conversation with my hubbie.

Still feeling screwed up currently partly due to my relapse on alcohol the other day. I think it messed with my meds so must really steer clear from alcohol which for me is pure evil. Others can imbibe and have fun but it isn’t fun for me. This is progress recognizing it, and I am not saying I will never drink again. But just one and very rare.

Feeling screwed up because mentally I am just not content. My schizophrenia/scizoaffective disorder is always there waiting for a misstep and something like getting sick, and the ramifications of the current state of our country is overwhelming at times. I like to joke about it but seriously it isn’t funny at all. It’s scary. Talking about Marshall law in November!

How can 2020 get any worse I ask myself and then it does. Is this the end times? I am prepared if so but worry about others in a sad state of evil.

Sorry for depressing post but it is where I am at. I promised when I started this blog in 2013 that I would share the good and the bad. So I withdraw my apology.

I quite frankly think it is pretty amazing that I can go to dinner with my husband and be like all normal when deep down not very far I feel so out of balance. I Feng shui’d my room today. Desperate for some change. The days all blur together and I feel like I am living in the movie Groundhog Day.

Tomorrow I am starting fresh with my diet, exercise plan and anything else I can manage. Must fight for sanity amidst the chaos.

God bless

pax

Victoria