I am I said to no one there…fighting DID disorder!

I am so much. Yet at times “I am lost and I can’t even say why”.~Neil Diamond. The pain is always there but at times it is lessened due to the many joys in my life right now along with these dastard disorders.

DID disorder is a real thing. Some people doubt, even professionals, but I don’t having met someone with it and myself now. I am seeking integration, which basically means I am hoping to consolidate all my parts into one, just me. But it is complex and I have decided to do inner child work instead of working with a DID therapist because of the cost.

I guess this is a little bit of my blog for the month on DID (dissociative identity disorder). Now that things have settled down on the home front I am back to confronting my demons with all the courage I can muster to fight DID disorder. It takes great courage for me to look at myself as a child. Most people with DID disorder have childhood trauma and in my case it was emotional abuse and emotional neglect that caused these parts to emerge as a coping mechinism.

I believe that I was an empath or hsp (highly sensitive person) from birth, especially as I remember pictures of me as a young child. But not receiving the love and attention from my mom who was my main caregiver caused me tremendous pain even to this day. My sister fared much better; my brother not as bad as me. My dad when he was around (he worked a lot) was my sunshine and still is today:)

It’s interesting though how so much of my childhood is coming back to me through various channells. Music, childhood friends, memories of tv shows especially the Fonze eehhhhhh, and a group chat on Facebook for my grammar school. My parents did their best, that much I know and I love them both dearly and am so glad they are both still alive today.

The song I quoted above is yes another Neil Diamond song I just love. It conveys so much meaning I will share it here for anyone in the mood for some great music. It is called~ I am I said~ and you can listen to it here.

Where would I be without my music?

pax

Victoria

Ahh a new day…

Yesterday I am writing off as just a bad day for me mentally. They happen…

Several days but who is counting.

Bottom line I reached out for help, simply saying~I am not ok to my daughter and her whisk into action. My saviour. I normally would have my best friend to help balance me out but alas we are still not talking. A text here and there expressing our love but knowing the memorial coming up causes me to wish to reach out to her. I pray for a sign but it is so complicated as most things in my life.

When one is a people pleaser life can often get messy. I try to please everyone even myself. I do not burn out often but this week was just too much I guess and I needed a break and a bit of exercise yesterday, which lifted me up and much more today, gardening and cleaning all day with breaks. I got a sunburn gardening but I do not mind because it helps me remember how good it feels again to start to enjoy a hobby.

I read a quote recently that said~ choose courage over comfort~ I choose both because I have to. One good thing that is coming out of this latest episode is that I am learning to set boundaries. Today for example, I was going to get food for my husband and his workers/friends and I told him it would be a while because (didnt explain to him though) I was perusing my local record store for some new vinlys, yes, my latest obsession, Neil Diamond! It took longer than I anticipated as I was having such a hard time deciding because there were so many! I am going back tomorrow!

I am learning from my sister who lost her husband in November to think ahead. Not doom and gloom, but preparedness for possible triggers. For her it is her grief; for me it is being stable. I am going to be a grandma. I have to be ok. I do not pressure myself though but feel I am making progress with 10 steps ahead and 3 steps back. At least I am getting somewhere, where I do not know.

But it was a good day! Not just because I got a lot done, I got a lot done because I felt better after sharing my difficutlities. I hope and pray all of you have more people than I do to rely on. I am down to my daughter, my mom (limited)) and my newest friend from Safe Haven who calls or emails the days she is working. Poor thing, my life is crazy. The ups and downs of the last few weeks has been incredible and she is my main go to lately. I also have my new old therapist. We are supposed to start inner child work this week. Wish me luck! I like her and she knows much of my pain and grief and is experrienced in dealing with traumatic childhoods.

May is almost over! I havent met my goal to blog about mental health awareness month as much as I had planned but life. I have to take care of me and share as I am able. No apologies, no regrets.

Have hope dear readers and I bid you well wishes of peace love light and joy

Victoria

A story about a frog part two!

My first part of this story got more views than usual so damn technology! I’m using my phone to bring you Harry the frog 🐸 who has been spreading much joy! I hope it comes through.

This frog I named Harry gives me hope that this too shall pass. Today I shared with my husband the cost of ongoing therapy and he was ok with it! He doesn’t understand mental health but knows I struggle so this was huge and he is gladly paying for it.

Harry reminds me of how something so little can be so significant to me and the others I have shared him with.

I am sending this picture to Neil diamond because that’s what fans have done because of his song about a frog who becomes a king. His 🐸 room is filled up but hope he has room for one more of his newest fans gifts.

Much anxiety today about traveling tomorrow but I feel safe with my husband so all will be well!

sorry frog didn’t come through, will get my son to help soooonn…

Peace love light and joy 🥲

Victoria

A story about a frog…

Soooo it has been a very hard weekend although I had a lovely day of relaxing with my adult children….

I volunteered at our local farm and met a frog (or two). I even took a picture of Harold (yes I named him and Harry for short) but because of technical issues with my new laptop can’t post it. I was so happy to be gardening with froggies. I enjoyed it so much that I am going back Tuesday to finish what I started…

Back to the frog. I have been obsessed with Jason Mraz and pretty much only listen to him. Well I found a new old singer that I am listening to right now singing “Sweet Caroline”, yes it is Neil Diamond and he sings about a frog becoming a king or prince. I am blown away again by a God shot like this. Thank you Neil Diamond for so many years of great music and I just found you! He is still alive, I think he is 80. I need a vinyl but I love his concerts the most. I am sending him a picture of the frog I met; he has a whole room dedicated to frogs called his frogatorium! One more is on the way.

So why did this mean so much? Because I know I need help and yes it is on the way but I am here now and the only thing that helps is to be busy and music. And I really needed a break from Jason, sorry man, I’m your biggest fan but need a bit of a break. Neil Diamond is providing that along with a few others, Simon & Garfunkel too! Music helps me so much.

So Harry I hope you are well and will visit me again on Tuesday.

For now I am simply doing the very best I can with what God has given me.

I am traveling this week so don’t think I will be blogging much but back by Friday for my assessment with my new therapist.

peace llove light and joy

Victoria