Morning musing cont…

Morning, as it does, has become evening and I am quite somber tonight reflecting upon the gift of life that God has bestowed upon us all. He can take this gift away or not, it is up to Him. When He wants us home, I shall not delay but jump in His arms and finally get to see Him face to face.

It has been a long day as I sit her in the peace of the night, dog breathing softly next to me asleep in her bed and the other one, my princess, is atop the bed in my meditation room where I sleep and spend much of my day reflecting upon life and listening to the usual, Jason Mraz in his beachlife festival in the Philippines 2019. How I pray for you Philippines!

Not a usual day but got something done and fed me and the family so that’s good. Much sadness mixed with this anticipatory grief at my brother in laws impending death. Pray with me for a miracle. I do want him to remain a while longer for my sister’s sake especially. He is magnanimous and I love him. He’s a good one for sure.

I no longer welcome death, no I send out to the universe vibes of longevity for all to be in God’s will. I used to want to die but I have many protective factors that reduce my chance at suicide among people with schizophrenia. Tomorrow I will write in the am about protective factors.

pax

victoria

Writers block…

I am at an impasse- to write or not to write is the question for tonight.

My sister’s husband is dying at home surrounded by loved ones and near my sister who is his best friend and soulmate. They think the same and if they don’t he will adjust. My sister can be very controlling but I love her and feel just so terrible for her at this time.

So the dilemma I face is if I should write her a letter or not. When I was psychotic I wrote prolifically and have since destroyed it all. I haven’t written much since… did write a book that took 8 years or more really not sure but no matter, I did complete something. I have such strong emotions still that I am afraid I will betray myself. Dear God please guide.

I am just so sad today. I got to see my bro in law and got to pray with and for him. Tears were not held back today…prayed for a miracle. He said it was a good prayer, “a good one” verbatim. I wish I could do more…

pax

Victoria