Seeing my therapist tomorrow for a tune up!

Well I decided to go for it and see my old therapist who is just wonderful!  I am looking forward to process several things with her mainly my loss of my father as he used to be, my worries for my frail mom and teenage son.

My psychiatrist will be happy for sure!

I feel I am doing pretty good with everything but know I can be doing even better!

I also have 30 days clean and sober today so that is a very good thing.  I have been getting a lot more exercise to combat cravings and it is helping and also getting out more, seeing people and taking care of business so that’s another benefit of not smoking pot any more.

The exercise really helps my moods to be more even.  Today I even got up early and got some exercise in although small it is hard for me to exercise in the mornings because I am groggy from the meds I take at night.  But today I pushed past the excuses and did some lunges and a walk around my house because the weather is rainy which I am grateful for here in California.

Don’t know if I mentioned but I have joined an art class which has a great community feel.  I love the art although I am not very artistic and having a new hobby gives me something to look forward to between hospital visits and helping my mom and son.  Having something for me is awesome!

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Pax

Victoria

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Greater is the depth of sadness Than any height of gladness

Greater is the depth  of sadness

Than any height of gladness

Thoreau wrote that and I feel it right now with my dad having 2 strokes since July 2,2016, being paralyzed on his left side, unable to speak much but still enjoys when I bring him coffee or ice cream.  I love my dad and miss talking to him so much but it is still good that I still have him and I appreciate every minute.  The depth of my sadness is intense and doesn’t cease except when I am asleep.  And I sleep good thanks to the medicine that knocks me right out, and I sleep in till 9 or ten every day and I fall asleep by midnight.

Has any one else felt this sadness?

Pax

Victoria

New medicine is working great!

 

Well I am happy to report that the new anti-anxiety medication is helping already.  Once again medicine and my awesome psychiatrist have saved the day!

My anxiety is much less and I feel like I could possibly work at a low stress job but I am not rushing into anything.  If we didn’t need the money I wouldn’t even bother but I am still waiting for permanent disability to kick in.  Since I got fired from my last job that will help my case and hopefully will speed things up.

What is really helping right now is my walking and work outs at the gym!  I took the day off from exercise yesterday and could feel the difference mentally.  I am like many people I need to fight my depression with medicine and movement!

Nothing is easy right now but I am pushing through and getting things done anyway despite how I feel.  I will make it to the gym today even if it is in the afternoon.  I am excited about using some of the new machines that staff showed me on Saturday and because it is cold outside I am going to use the treadmill to get my miles in and use inclines to get a more intense work out!

Surrounding myself with positive people and inspirational quotes helps a lot too lately.  I have a few good friends on FB who really post some neat things and I get a lot out of them and other things I read online on blogs and other sources.

I am just happy that the anxiety has left.  Mentally I feel more with it and more motivated to keep my house in order.  Having this disorder means so many things but I will not give up.  Every journey starts with a single step and I am putting my best foot forward to make a difference in my life and that of others.  Being charitable is hard when one is down but I try to help others as often as I can and it does help with my mood too.

The really great thing is that I am not psychotic right now despite the stress at my last job.  I don’t want to be psychotic ever again.  I want to be sober all the time and don’t even drink.  I do use nicotine lozenges throughout the day but don’t see myself giving them up anytime soon and do smoke a few cigs here and there..

My journey has brought me thus far; it is amazing the progress I have made and I hope that I can encourage others who also suffer from Schizoaffective Disorder.

Pax

Victoria

p.s. write anytime, I see I have some new followers, thank you for your interest.  Drop me a line anytime and share your story too… We all matter.  I blog a lot about how I am doing but as I see others check out my blog I wonder your story too and hope that my blog has made a difference in someone’s life other than my own!

 

 

Working really helps me!

Hello to all!

Victoria here and happy to say that work is going awesome so far!  The people are great and I love the company I work for so far.  Very fair and honesty is their mantra.

That being said, I must say that I was more productive this past week than most of the year I was off on disability.  I kept up with my house, cooked some great meals and enjoyed time with friends.  On my days off, Thursday and Friday, I relaxed one day pretty much and was bored on Thursday but today, Friday, I made a long list and actually accomplished 95% of it.  I was a little stressed because there was so much I needed to do to make my work week go smooth but shouldn’t have worried because everything went well.

I even got to spend time with my dying father.  We drank coffee and told each other that we loved each other which we he hasn’t said it for a while (he has been in the hospital since early July).  He even added after he said he loved me that he loved the kids too!!! Wow, it was bittersweet of course because he is not getting better but I was overjoyed that he still thinks of us and his love for us.

Well it is back to work tomorrow and I have my lunch packed and ready to go.  I am so glad my husband insisted on my working especially for this company.  It is sales so there will be ups and downs but I will make good money and hopefully have more productive weeks like this one.

I see my pdoc next week and can’t wait to share the good progress report.  My mental health is pretty good, no time to sit at my computer and stare anyway ha ha seriously that was much of my day when I wasn’t working I am ashamed to admit.  Knowing I have to be at work I have to be very careful with my time although I still play around and goof off on the computer just in smaller increments.

Hope ya’ll have a great weekend.

Pax

Victoria

Lack of motivation is my current main symptom

 

I see my pdoc tomorrow and am thinking about what I want to talk to him about and after a conversation with one of my two sounding boards I have come to the conclusion that my main problem is that there are days when I am totally unmotivated to do even simple things like put something away or send a text.  This is one of the negative symptoms of Schizoaffective Disorder which I have written about before at length (see June 2014 for more about the negative symptoms of Schizophrenia).

Other days I am unstoppable like today.  I deep cleaned part of my house and was very motivated to keep going until 6pm when my husband got home.  It’s weird because sometimes I am more motivated when my family is here with me especially if they are working on projects or other days like today I was motivated by myself with only my son stopping by on his way to work.  There is no rhyme or reason to my moods to get things done.  It is pretty awesome though that I exercise 6 out of 7 days a week very regularly, walking for many miles when the weather is nice or jumping on my mini trampoline or gardening when the mood strikes me which lately has been more often than not.

The one thing that my pdoc highly recommended with me being off work permanently is to keep my mind engaged and he suggested learning Spanish.  Well tomorrow I get to tell him that I am not only learning Spanish (I actually already know some) but that I am taking a gardening class which is mainly in Spanish.  The teacher is a white girl like me and it is pretty cool that she teaches the class to us in Spanish.  The class is predominately Hispanic so I get to hear her proper grammar and a lot of slang.  I’d say my pdoc will be pleased as I am learning a lot about gardening terms in Spanish.

The class itself is pretty interesting and I am applying the knowledge I am learning to my own personal gardens which are coming along.  I have weeded, put down weed block, compost and will add mulch around my plants as soon as I buy some which should be tomorrow hopefully.  It is a great hobby I highly recommend.  That and walking are my main sources of entertainment and my show I am obsessed with Person of Interest which I am watching for the second time but slower so it will last.

I spend most of my days alone with my dogs and a mix of going to either an AA meeting, a walk with a friend/dogs or to coffee with someone.  Of course I go to the store but some days like today I just stay home and work on the house.  It is amazing how much dirt one can find when one looks for it.  I also enjoy taking a drive along the coast with my husband or alone.  Nights are spent reading mainly and blogging or writing in my journal.

And yet I wonder if there is more to life than this?  I still wonder if I should work again but if I did it would be gardening or working at the library or something chill like that.

I am currently awaiting my hearing to get on permanent disability or rather should say I am waiting for them to schedule it which may take a year!  I have till August of this year till my state disability benefits run out so that gives me time to figure out what I need to do.  I am able to pay off my debt right now a little at a time and finally finished paying off the last hospital stay.  I think that is what I will tell the people at the hearing that I can’t work because I will just end up in the hospital again if I work as history has repeated.

I have been clean and sober for seventeen months which is how long it has been since my last hospital stay.  I still use nicotine regularly via lozenges which really helps with the stress, ha what stress?  Yes I am still stressed out even though I am not working just getting through each day but it is minimal compared to when I work.  Sometimes I stress about a difficult day meeting various social engagements which are rare because I choose it that way for the most part.  I have family over for dinner sometimes and enjoy that very much.

Well that is about all that is going on with me.  Feel free to write in anytime as I answer all my legit email at:. victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

Pax

Victoria