My quiet place where I spend many hours a day…using my coping tools, and finding new ways to thank God for this gift of mental illness.
The day started off all right, went to my women’s aa meeting, spoke with a dear friend, ate healthy, got my sleep, got some resources to help my depressed mother, visited her and she was doing poorly, visited my dad who had a stroke in July and is in a care facility, got some good coffee, visited my son at work, and then it hit…
A panic or sadness attack of some sort. I remembered later that I didn’t take my attivan in the morning because I have been doing so well. I felt like I shouldn’t drive. It crept up on me when I visited my son at work I was thought I was picking him up and was going to ask him to drive home because I was beginning to feel unwell but he had to work late and had secured a ride so I decided to go for a walk on a local trail. I was praying the rosary and saw a bench in the shade. So I sat for a while and waited for whatever it was to pass. I was texting my daughter about my visit with my dad and didn’t want to bother her with how I was feeling but did share with her later.
I don’t really know what it was or why I don’t let people know when I am not doing so well at the time I am not doing well??? This confuses me, my disorder confuses me, my moments that can last up to a couple of hours confuses me.
I don’t see my therapist until a week and a half and will surely share with him this day. I do have lots of support. I talked to my aa sponsor soon after I finally drove home which helped. I made a nice dinner for my husband and hung out with him for the evening then just finished a relaxing hot bath. I didn’t work out today and that’s ok on days like this. I know when I feel this way that even a workout won’t help me feel better.
I guess the best way to describe it is as being mentally unwell. I am under a lot of stress with caring for my parents so I need to be sure to take my meds every day. My psychiatrist told me I only had to take the attivan as needed. I guess I need it! Ha ha. If that was all that it was then that’s good news. I am glad I didn’t drive when I felt that way. I guess there is a lot to be grateful for!
Hoping for a better day tomorrow, I am going shopping with my mom so that will be good for both of us.