Wow! So many good changes

Michelle here after a break from blogging. And to be honest I may not be a blogger anymore but time will tell.

Victoria was one of my parts with my DID disorder and since fully integrating about 2 weeks ago, I no longer feel her presence so I’m not sure of where I am headed with this blog but hopefully will shed some light.

So much has happened! And yet time passes slowly.

I have been hard at work on myself, my home, my gardens…all the people I love and my pups!

I still have many problems but I wake up each day and take what life brings and try to make the best of it. I don’t always manage well but that’s ok because I am human and not every day can be a great day.

Yesterday I was suicidal with a plan for twenty minutes. It hit me hard because I had had an awesome day prior, socializing with old and new friends and it was such an exciting day that when the next day hit and something bothered me, I just fell apart for a bit. But my daughter helped to bring me around but before that I thought about all my protective factors and knew I could never do that to the ones I love. But it scared me that I got so low so quickly…

Today was better but that was because I hung out with friends again and took really good care of myself ending the day with a hot bath and a blog.

Anyway, I will check in from time to time to explain how I integrated. Yesterday, it was the depressive part of my Schizoaffective Disorder that kicked in.

I am not drinking or smoking weed anymore and my life has gotten much better because of that. I am relying on 12 step programs to do this so it is awesome to make new friends.

I will end with a quote that really speaks to me.

“Fall in love with the masterpiece and also the paint on the floor” I might have messed it up but in its essence I think it means to love all of you, defects and good parts too. I am certainly trying.

~May you feel the source of all that is good be with you all today, tonight and for all your life to come!

No one knows how much I suffer with my schizophrenia daily…

Not going to complain but have realized that right now I am still delusional about certain things. Spirituality is not what I would say hard but seeing the hand of God a lot lately and some of it may be coincidence. Maybe all of it is. I probably need to check in with my daughter about a few things or perhaps my old therapist. I am finding it hard to touch down lately. Always floating in my own dissociated delusional world where no one but me can enter.

Paranoid about many things too. Taking things very personal. Lack of follow through. This is my life. Surrounded by many failures, many reminders of who I was before this fucking disorder.

Socialized today with my mom, brother and sister. It was fun! My mom treated us to dinner and drinks and I had a fun non-alcoholic one. Too much food though. But the best part was that this was so rare for us to eat together again. The one thing my parents did right was dinner every night at 5. It was cool when my brother tossed his eaten shrimp tail on my plate. So comfortable. And I stole some of his fish n chips. My sister goofed off with silly photos and we all had a good time. Didn’t even feel disordered for a few hours. Then I came home…

To face my reality. I wish I could be with people more. It is nice to socialize again.

I have stopped watching netflix. The dramas are just not where I want to spend my time when I eat alone, which is pretty much all the time. So instead I am watching documentaries. Current one is on King Tut. I might have done a report on him in grade school. It’s fascinating to learn cool facts I am re-remembering or learning brand new.

So even though I am pretty good right now despite this disorder, I have been having my breakthrough last. When I remember what I learned Monday I smile a little smile. It is a smile towards God for new beginnings. Do you ever wish you didn’t have a memory? I remember the stupidest things that haunt me. Mistakes, missteps. roads I shouldn’t have taken. But in all this God I believe still has a plan for me and all of us. What it is I still know not…but trust in the Source that is all good and almighty!

peace love light and joy

Victoria

The ebbs and flows of life…

Am I numb now? I think not. Visited my dad today with my mom and was a good visit. Yesterday was the 5 year anniversary of his strokes…that is all I wish to say about that. Haven’t found comfort in the bottle lately over the past five years of his almost dying many times. I’d rather be sober lately which is much better…

So even though I am very sad about my dad I am in the middle of planning a huge baby shower for my daughter in law and it is going well. As she is growing, and many wonderful changes are occurring to her body, I am also adjusting and trying to accept myself more to be the best grandma I can or know how. I’m pretty good with kids I think and they like me so can’t wait. Today was spent washing a large box of baby girl clothes. Some really cute clothes I found on facebook that were given to me for free.

I have been watching old videos of my kids when they were young and seeing myself before I got schizoaffective disorder is trippy! I am learning to accept myself in many aspects that have been a struggle for most of my life. This includes accepting my body. I would rather be happy and chubby than skinny and psychotic. So I accept that I just have to take this medication that helps but causes these side effects.

I am also sometimes loud and obnoxious although I think I have mellowed with age and being on meds.

So I accept my life for what it is; imperfect yet fun, challenging but interesting. Good and bad and everything in between.

Wishing all my American followers and happy 4th of July! And I also believe it was Happy Canada Day (hope I got that right).

For further inspiration check out this newer blog started during the pandemic of black and white photography. It’s really cool so check it out here to be inspired.

Peace love light and joy

Victoria

My attempt at a poem…

Angels to fly

Beyond the sunset

ever reaching for God of the unknown

ever wanting connection

connection is elusive

still trying

covered in white

seeking with all that I am to reach the eternal source of all that is good!

What am I waiting for?

I do not know

It is within my grasp..

only have to lift my heart and my soul

off I go.

Daisy daisy, God is good!

Credits to ed Sheeran my listening tonight, hearts don’t break around here.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

What if I don’t trust my psychiatrist anymore?…

Bottom line, trust has been broken, and just took an assessment of previous appointment for tomorrow’s appointment. I checked that I was not happy with the last appointment. We shall see what he says about that.

I’ve been with him since 2008, 13 years, with just a minor break when his team didn’t inform him I was suicidal. He called me himself and apologized. He has been great with my schizoaffective disorder but is lacking with the DID so thinking about switching. But it’s complicated as usual…

I get free meds from him, but do I even want those meds? I have skipped the second dose of Latuda for a few days and notice nothing. Wondering if I need to be on Latuda even? I guess tomorrow when we meet I will address these concerns. If he isn’t willing to adjust, I may have to switch. Spent my afternoon getting referrals to other psychiatrists. That is the one good thing about covid, everything is virtual so I am not limited to my area but am looking in LA. Ewww Beverly Hills even. haha another delusion for me.

I wonder if it is a delusion for me to stay with what has worked for 13 years or to take on a new pdoc? It is scary!

Today I wish I could say goodbye to that part of me that has schizoaffective disorder…I can wish can’t I?

Been paranoid a little lately. Always something going on to make me suspicious. Anyone else?

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Healing journey…

I am on a quest, once again. And nothing will stop me unless the Universe demands it of me…

I have much work ahead of me but am piecing it all together and it is starting to make sense. To unravel my brain is not easy but recognizing patterns, coping mechanisms and reading inspirational works really helps. I am also willing to be honest with myself and although I am my biggest critic am learning to be gentle with the parts of me that I am asking to leave.

My past is of no matter anymore except when it serves me to think about why I have one of my parts. My part called Storm, who doesn’t give a fuck about anything, is the one I am really discerning why this part comes up. I believe that it stems from when I was a teenager and had controlling parents. I did things I am not proud of but I was under the influence of heavy illegal drugs and Storm was actively present.

Yet all the crazy things I did were with measure but still extreme at times. I lived on the streets of New York at age 18 and it was insane. I would walk around bad parts of Lower East Side Manhattan at 2am and act like I was crazy so people would leave me alone. I am just now remembering some of it. When a friend, Carrie a 14 year old runaway from New Jersey died in a fire I came home, went to rehab and began my life as a mother and wife. I wasn’t disturbed at all with mental issues raising my children until I got Schizophrenia when my kids were 8, 12, and 17.

But this f’n medicine with so many side effects helps but yet I wish I didn’t have to take it. Weight gain is my current sadness. Today was a fun but sad day. We spent the afternoon at my sister’s, our first time hanging out over there since her husband passed in November 2020. My sister pulled out all the stops and it was an oasis retreat with her pool and cabanas. We haven’t been invited over there for years. Not sure why but perhaps it was because they needed that time for each other and now that my sister is on her own is really enjoying family.

I also bought my first baby clothes for Sofia, my granddaughter due in October! Little pink tie dye onesie and little jeans with booties with lemons on them which my dil loves. Fun times today for sure!

This healing journey is long but I am ready, I think.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Distractions can be helpful or harmful…

Right now I am fighting the urge to drink. So far I am winning but it is an obsession today when my daughter is away.

Minor annoyances occurring and it seems like a drink will solve all my problems. But I made a reminder card today why I can’t drink and reading it helped but praying for the urge to pass.

Distractions for this can be very helpful. I have been … gardening, which is helping and I made my to do list but right now don’t feel like doing any of it. Gardening in the sun wears me out but I’m never out there for more than a half an hour at a time.

I did visit my dad today with my mom and he was asleep for the most part but had good color. Still not eating. Still knowing every visit might be my last. But it takes a toll and is probably why I want to numb out with alcohol.

Distractions can also be harmful though by not dealing with whatever is causing the urge to drink or to deal with my integrating. It’s all together really as I continue to make connections along the way. Today was going to work on myself while driving but didn’t. I must focus on the road but it was interesting that that was my go to plan because couldn’t figure out my daughter’s car radio. Tonight will use distractions to get the house in order and tomorrow will plan on dealing with why I reach for the bottle and some integration. I am doing all of this on my own and the help of God. I’ve got to figure this shit out.

Tomorrow my hubbie is supposed to start working on my vw squareback that I’m be cruising around town in! We shall see as the bathroom needs attention with the sink. It’s his only day off so hate to push him but I really need a car to visit my dad and bring my mom on her good days. God has a plan and I am obeying.

Yesterday was a hard day because of the scammer. He continued to reach out on Facebook, but I reported it all and they took it all down. Did my part anyway! But was cycling through little one, lost one and saint one. In the end I won. Thank you God!

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Great news and more musings…

“Test results normal”, wonderful news. I don’t want to have cancer and inconvenience anyone. No I pray it is swift when I go and that I will be old. These are my thoughts tonight. I want to live! I want to see my adult kids grow up and be with them as long as I can. I must take better care of my health and am still having bladder issues but at least it isn’t cancer.

My car broke; long story short. Got new keys for my 2003 Mercedes Benz and they don’t work. Going to dump the car and have to call the dealership where I got the keys and get some money back…

I feel I am slipping away. Medical issues and mental which I am pushing away today. I must do the work but don’t feel like it. I do know much of my anal behaviors comes from my mom. I have learned to deal with life in the unhealthy ways she does. I can’t take a compliment without pointing out a criticism. I am working on it though. I want to teach my kids better. I don’t think it is ever too late to be a good example to our kids.

There was an announcement in my email today about the need for mental health urgent cares. Wouldn’t this be wonderful! Have a crisis and get seen right away by professionals. But then I think lately all they wan to do is medicate me. I’m fucking sick of the medication.

Saw my dad today and as usual he started talking when we had to go. Why don’t I learn from this and say we have to go before so he can open up and share how he is feeling. He tells the same story and I shall share it now. When I was little my dad carried me on his shoulders. I still remember the day he told me he had to stop. I was devastated. I would and these are his loving words, “cover my eyes and hold on for dear life” as he couldn’t see where he was going. He tells me this story almost every time I go to see him. I never tire of it.

I am gaining weight again;. been eating like crap. Do I care? yes and no. and that is all I shall say about that.

Baby shower planning on Wednesday with my daughter in law (who is now finally showing) and her mom. It will be fun. Did I mention the coolness that my husband is putting me in a vw squareback? It will be great fun driving a vw and picking up my mom in it and visiting my dad. her first car was a bug so it will surely bring back memories. It is good to visit him often right now. The end for him will just be the beginning of his eternal life with God. I comfort myself with such thoughts…

When he does pass I will have to say to so many that my dad has finally died. How I will miss him even now when visits are what they are. Today he clung to my mum. He loves her so and all of us. How I will miss him. Yet I do not pray that he will die. I learned that from my grandma. I prayed that she would die to be with God but regretted it upon her passing…

Sorry about the lamentations about my dad. But it feels good to get it out even if only a few read it.

Life is short! Make the most of it! Do not let your goals be in the way of your success whatever that means. lol

Tomorrow I am stuck home all day. I will try to make the most of it with gardening and cleaning and maybe maybe I will work on myself. The critical one is falling away.

Today my little returned and at first I was mean to her and then I remembered that I told my therapist I would be kind to her. So I was kind. It was cool because I didn’t let her stay and although it was a hard day after a wonderful weekend, she came out and was all sensitive and shit. I was like oh no and was kind and asked her to leave and she did. Progress…

Yesterday the party was a huge success! Wonderful time with family.

Praying for all of you and wishing you…

peace love light and joy

Victoria

More late night musings…

A good and bad day,

my mom is coming to the party tomorrow so I am cleaning every nook and cranny which is great because I only do this when she is coming over. It’s fun! Things weren’t too bad because my daughter does a great job and I keep up and do a deep cleaning every few months.

I’m smelling orchids blooming as I type. It’s wonderful! They are for my daughter who is very spoiled by me, her best friend and her boyfriend ha ha ha. But she knows it and is quite proud! It’s been her birthday all month and tomorrow her birthday party and Father’s Day party to boot! Cooking two dinners. OK I might be manic today.

I just decided I am going to go with my mom when I pick her up to see my dad and then head to the party at my house.

I even put string lights up in the garden and I am quite pleased. I’m so bad with posting pics but would rather describe it and spend my computer time blogging…

Getting tired, Risperdal is kicking in.

Oh and Monday II get the results of my biopsy. Whatever…

I am not surprised at anything lately. So much good but it is mixed with sadness over my dad living on a prayer and my mental health and now physical health problems. I’ll face it when I know but thanks for any prayers!

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Schizophrenia blog after a break…

This is after all my personal recovery from schizophrenia. Lately been sharing about conquering DID disorder and it is going well but tonight something came up so had to share.

I was visiting with a close family member and she was sharing how she had heard a voice telling her something that came true. I asked her if it was God. She immediately said let’s not get you started. She thinks I am broken. I feel that I am not but this stigmatization of her referring to my many perceived messages from God as being bad or something…

I do not doubt that God has spoken to me, I am just not sure of which times. Was it real when I was 8 and clearly heard the words, “you are special”. And then given the gift of schizophrenia at age 36? To do what I do not know yet and that is ok…

But why do others perceive their experiences as real when I do not get that luxury. Kinda mad at the unfairness.

I do have schizoaffecctive disorder. That much is sure. But are the antipshychotics (I take two) what I really need? I cannot sleep withhout the Risperdal 2mg and the Latuda helps with the negative symptoms. But the Risperdal causes so many side affects: weight gain, akathesia (need to constantly be moving or tucked in), sleepless without it, lethargy in the am… I think that’s it. And the Latuda causes so much anxiety…

I need to talk to my pdoc. I have my $300 appointment with him in July which is close.

We shall seee

Wishing you all a wonderful weekend.

peace love light and joy

Victoria