Greater is the depth of sadness Than any height of gladness

Greater is the depth  of sadness

Than any height of gladness

Thoreau wrote that and I feel it right now with my dad having 2 strokes since July 2,2016, being paralyzed on his left side, unable to speak much but still enjoys when I bring him coffee or ice cream.  I love my dad and miss talking to him so much but it is still good that I still have him and I appreciate every minute.  The depth of my sadness is intense and doesn’t cease except when I am asleep.  And I sleep good thanks to the medicine that knocks me right out, and I sleep in till 9 or ten every day and I fall asleep by midnight.

Has any one else felt this sadness?




It’s a new beautiful day

Sometimes life just gets hard.  It is hard to know the right thing to do especially when one suffers from mental illness.  I am dually diagnosed, I suffer from addiction along with Schizoaffective disorder.  I fight it though and am happy to say that today I am clean and sober and taking my mental illness meds as prescribed.  It is not every day that I can say that, but I have hope for many more days like today to come, one day at a time.

I have new hope that God will carry me through when I cannot lift myself up even in prayer.

The great part is that there are these really good people in my life today who help me to see the positive side of things.  Negative people have a very small place in my life.  If I could I would eliminate them altogether but when they are immediate family it is very hard.  I try to be positive with them, always pointing out the good in every situation and lately there have been some situations which just suck!  But I do my best and I think I am doing a really great job with what life has given me.

I will leave you with this prayer which I try to live each day.  It really helps me to get through everything with grace and dignity.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (you),

the courage to change the things I can (me)

and the wisdom to know the difference”




Delusional still? a conversation


Having SA is very hard.  Even on medication the voices stop but the delusions remain although to a much lesser degree.  I go about my days and constantly pray for God’s will for my life and naive as I am I expect God to guide me and some days it appears he does and others I feel without assistance.  Are these my delusions to believe that God will make his will known to me still?

When I was actively psychotic I had a direct line to God or so I thought.  He would give me messages mainly for people to change their lives and do the right thing and there were times when I was dead on as my spiritual advisor can attest to but there were other times when none of it came to be in fact things even turned out quite the opposite from what I thought was going to happen.

I sought help when my life became so dysfunctional that I was falling apart and was becoming unable to take care of daily tasks because I was receiving so many messages.  Ah, the quiet that came after my admittance to the hospital was great although it still took a while for the messages to stop coming.

One dear priest who I sent many messages to even when I was at UCLA has since deceased and I believe he is in heaven now watching over me in the care of God.  Dear Fr. Melito what do you say now?  Were you right to ignore me this child of God or were you supposed to become my spiritual advisor the way God directed you through me?  I will never know now that he is gone.  May his soul rest in peace, Amen.

But back to the delusions going away.  I guess they really haven’t but my life has become more manageable even boring to some extent.  I fulfill my duties as wife, mother and daughter and friend to the best of my ability but somehow I still feel I am a part of a greater plan that only God knows which he will reveal to me if not now then when I die.  So although some may classify me as still being delusional that I am very special, I can go about my life and find meaning in every day things like walking, gardening and reading and helping others.

I take my medication faithfully every day, the other day I think I missed my morning antipsychotic and I had a really bad day but I am not sure because I never miss a day and am not willing to stop taking it to find out if the messages will return.

Please take the poll below if you are so inclined.  I have to say yes due to the aforementioned mentality that still is a part of who I am.  I think many of us with this disorder do still suffer from delusions, for some reason the medicine stops the voices and hallucinations but the delusions seem to remain but to a lesser degree, no I take that back to a less interfering with daily life degree.



Accepting one’s diagnosis

I have accepted my diagnosis and feel like I am on the other side of it now living symptom free.  For different reasons not everyone with a mental disorder is able to accept their diagnosis and I have recently been educated on that fact.  For me it was very freeing to have a diagnosis to explain what was happening to me while psychotic and then when the medication helped me to get stable again and live much more functioning, I was very happy to have medication that works so well.

It is alamring to me when I hear that some people go for a season without their medication.  I cannot imagine going off of mine- for any reason at all.  I do not want to be psychotic again and the medicine keeps it away so why would I want to chance that by playing around with my medication?

Life is so good right now!

But I refuse to judge others’ decisions because my reality is just that, mine not yours.

Comments are welcome!