What an amazing day!

It started today on Facebook. I got a message from Jason Mraz’s sister (didn’t even know he had one) who had noticed I comment a lot on his fan page and she asked me why I never went to his fan page and said hi? I told her I was shy but she encouraged me to do so and I did. I got on hangouts and she let him know I was messaging him to accept it. He did. He was so nice and caring, even asked if there was anything he could do for my dad. I said prayers. He said he would.

I also told him that in 2012 his song “I won’t give up” check it out here. kept me from taking my own life. It came out in 2011 I believe. I told him God was guiding him and would continue to do so… he said I was sweet and lovely. I told him he made me cry a little. Oh gosh he just messaged me back…I’m in shock over communicating with my favorite all time musician. I am a bit star struck but also know he is just a human being like us, who has become successful because of his love for all. I’m gonna check the message now…

He made me cry again. Of course I questioned if it was really him but I checked and his sister is who messaged me and connected us. I told him to stop making me cry. I’m so weird. But this is surreal.

Anyways right after we started messaging I learned that my niece gave birth to their first baby girl today which happens to be the 32nd wedding anniversary of my brother and sister in law (I call her my sister) her parents. Wow! Great news! Healthy little girl who is yet to be named.

My heart is bursting with love for my family and the whole world.

Today I actually also in between the excitement attended two classes at Safe Haven (virtually), one on cultivating love and compassion with ourselves and the other one was a guided meditation. I struggle with guided meditation though and instead was thinking about if I was going to get to talk to my peer counselor at Safe Haven.

But the one on cultivating love and compassion with ourselves was very interesting. At first I just listened half-heartedly because they were talking about anger. I don’t get angry these days, rarely I should say…when I do it is ugly inside and I don’t like myself. Anyway they were talking about an underlying emotion causing the anger. Have any of you experienced this? I am so out of touch with my emotions beyond happy and sad that this is a hard concept for me to comprehend. Could it be frustration, irritibality, or rebellion. If those are possibly my underlying emotions of anger, what causes them? Is rebellion even an emotion or a response better I think.

I will have to attend this class again and get some answers as I know this will help with my self-integration work. Yesterday was good work but today I’ve been distracted but in my journal last night I wrote that I need to slow down with integrating. so there ya go.

Tomorrow I am still without a car and can’t visit my dad until Saturday:( <3<3<3

Anyway, got another message from Jason Mraz. Has anyone checked out his section on my page? Check it out on the right if you want to read more about how this amazing gifted singer/songwriter has touched my life with his music!

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Navigating recognizing mental health changes…

When changes or recognizing patterns that have always been there concerning my mental health occurrs what should one do for the easiest transition?

For me it is in this order~

Checking in with my care team starting with my psychiatrist who I have had for 13 years now since being diagnosed with Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder in 2008. I trust him with my mental health. Have never felt judged. But I know I must be honest with him to my best ability for that is the only way I will get answers.

Next checked in with my adult daughter who has been my mental health support since 2008 also. She is always a good ear and I mostly agree with her feedback but not always. We have a great relationship though so it is not the easiest to discuss with her until I speak to my psychiatrist anyway. She needs that validation I suppose.

Finally, I just had a session with my therapist of old because she knows me. It was ok but I felt I was teaching her more about the disorder than her. But it was good practice to be able to explain how these changes came about or recognition of the symptoms that have been present since I was little.

Lastly, I have been receiving support from my group called Safe Haven where I began to learn about DID and OSDD disorders. They don’t have it but are supportive.

I’m having a rough week and it’s barely Monday. The concert distracted me at a fabulous level but now back to feeling discombobulated. But I know the best way for me to cope with the unknown condition of my mental health which I would call unraveling is to be busy. So off I go to clean the house. Well at least after I listen to my fave Jason MRaz song ” I won’t give up”.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Ongoing drama with identities..and some fun 🤩

It’s all making sense now as my different alters emerge and as I am able identifying them. Kinda fun yet tedious. There are ten so far. They are competing tonight between tidying and writing ✍️.

Now for the fun! Me and my daughter are going to see Jason mraz in love concert this Saturday!!!!! So excited and found my new track to listen to! That’s why I’m staying up late.🙃🦋

Gardening 🧑‍🌾 is coming along nicely. I do enjoy it immensely. Must trim roses 🌹 tomorrow. It’s been cold 🥶 lately and that’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it!😃

I do have an appointment with my psychiatrist soon; been with him for 13 years now so thinking 🤔 it will go ok.

Ordered new glasses today on zenni optical online. Had to get my new prescription from Walmart though. I hate wearing glasses 🤓 but that’s just me.

Laptop arrived today. My son is setting it up and bringing it over Saturday! So excited 😆

Well that’s all for now! Wish us well as we all integrate…

Peace love light and joy

Victoria

Only human…

We can never achieve perfection, so why do I still seek after it elusively? My upbringing? guidance from above and beyond or just plain old inner drive? perhaps it is a combination of the three

I used to be a people pleaser but now I’m like nah I don’t want to go or better yet I love to say “really you don’t want to trust me with this and that whatever”. It lets them know my boundaries and I make no apology.

Now when it comes to being a grandma, well that is an entirely different story. I know and love that they will expect a lot of me, and I pray I do well. Life is precious! How I do pray for this new little one…

I’ve been gardening every day lately. Getting my hands dirty, feeding the soil, planting, watering, and more. Ah it does bring me such joy. I took it to the next level this year researching and bought a cute little journal for gardening notes. I actually tidied up my potting bench I got last year. How I like things tidy.

My laptop will be here soon. For now sharing with my daughters…She will be moving out soon which will be bittersweet. She’ll still be close by though…

Concert next week. Guess who????? My very own Jason Mraz in Orange County drive in! me and my daughter. Will be great.

Got my second vaccine today. Arm sore but no big deal. Very happy for things to get to a new normal and no longer living in fear of getting covid, but still taking the necessary precautions.

Busy week ahead. Lots of errands and an eye appointment and gardening in between. Hope you all have a great week!

peace love light and joy

pax

Victoria

Easily obsessed…

No surprises here! Jason mraz has done it again as I have uncovered a unique version of his song I’m yours! It’s perfect inspirational music 🎶 that puts a skip in my step and soul.

I would share it but I’m on my phone but it’s on YouTube, a concert 🎵 with raining Jane right after the intro! Check it out and if you can’t find it let me know and I will add the link.

Today is a good day! I’m wearing purple today, flowered workout pants and violet top. I feel clean and pretty. My husband loves the color of my hair right now which is funny because I just bought some burgundy hair dye but will save it for another time. He is not one for many compliments so when he said my hair is beautiful I’m gonna keep it!

Spending the evening at a friends. Should be fun!

Have a great weekend! Had a hard visit with my dad yesterday so taking a break today to relax.

Pax

Victoria

Morning musing cont…

Morning, as it does, has become evening and I am quite somber tonight reflecting upon the gift of life that God has bestowed upon us all. He can take this gift away or not, it is up to Him. When He wants us home, I shall not delay but jump in His arms and finally get to see Him face to face.

It has been a long day as I sit her in the peace of the night, dog breathing softly next to me asleep in her bed and the other one, my princess, is atop the bed in my meditation room where I sleep and spend much of my day reflecting upon life and listening to the usual, Jason Mraz in his beachlife festival in the Philippines 2019. How I pray for you Philippines!

Not a usual day but got something done and fed me and the family so that’s good. Much sadness mixed with this anticipatory grief at my brother in laws impending death. Pray with me for a miracle. I do want him to remain a while longer for my sister’s sake especially. He is magnanimous and I love him. He’s a good one for sure.

I no longer welcome death, no I send out to the universe vibes of longevity for all to be in God’s will. I used to want to die but I have many protective factors that reduce my chance at suicide among people with schizophrenia. Tomorrow I will write in the am about protective factors.

pax

victoria

I’m a work in progress…

Sorry, another Jason song running through my head…

But it’s true! We are all a work in progress, none of us are better or worse than another, except in the end we shall see what God says.

Been thinking a lot about heaven and hell lately….

I know I want to be with God and my grandma and the many loved ones who have gone before me. I believe in the Mercy loving of God though so hope that He remembers me when He comes into His kingdom!!!

Been talking to God a lot lately. But no worries He doesn’t talk back thank goodness. But there is one thing I feel He wants me to do but I can’t do it as it would put my relationship with someone I really care about in jeopardy and I don’t know how I would handle another loss of a friend.

I lost friends when I became Catholic and continue to as hard as that may sound in this day and age. So much judgement from well meaning people for the most part. But I don’t judge them for that, no not me. I know they are just doing what their religion tells them to do. What is even scarier is that some of them even quote the bible in their needed break up of the friendship. Well I can quote scripture too and seriously it stands on my side.

Enough on that!

Now down to the nitty gritty how the heck are we all doing?

New trick~ the body scan

coming soon!

I’m ok, lots of minor ailments and I cut my own hair last night and woops, had to go get it fixed today. Haven’t been to a salon since November! Weird the timing of things in this regard but that is a story for a never day. Too boring!

There are signs around us everywhere if we have eyes to see. Today my dear friend who lost her husband recently had to make a decision and I told her to pray an Our Father to help her know God’s will in this situation. And within minutes it was resolved.

I prayed it with her and do that throughout the day. So right now am going to go lay down and then play with my dogs. Will do body scan and get back to you on the details tomorrow.

pax

Victoria

Call it gumption he sings…

Jason Mraz has done it again for me with where I am at and where I want to be. He sings in his older song, Song for a Friend, about all the strengths we have inside, and the gumption we possess inside and also that only we know if we are trying. I listen to it every day. It motivates me. No one else can say if I am trying. Nobody but me and God truly know.

Prior to this pandemic I sat all day as I have shared. I barely got the dishes done every day and some days I took advantage of my adult daughter and would ask her to do them. That’s how bad it was. i didn’t cook dinner every night like I do now. I didn’t take care of myself to the best I am now, or the house or gardens.

It is amazing but this pandemic has forced me to get busy. I do not feel good about my days unless I am busy. But busy means lots of things these days I am finding. yesterday I spent the day with my dear friend who lost her husband recently and just sat with her in her grief. 6 hours of conversing, laughing, crying, singing and some energy work. I was exhausted!

The day before I spent the afternoon/evening at my son’s new home with his wife and our immediate family to celebrate my daughter’s upcoming birthday. So I was busy being with family. It was a Sunday anyway which means a rest day for me but it was so much fun and we were there 8 hours!

So busy also means getting the house in order most days, gardens some days and working on myself too. Been doing a lot of grief work with Dave Markowitz. Oh yes Jason I’ve got gumption.

His song I won’t give up spoke to me when I was passively suicidal and was just trying to look up to God in desperation. This song has been my main support song. I won’t give up ever I think now so don’t listen to it every day anymore but it’s there on days that may be less than perfect and it’s a good reminder of where I have been.

Jason Mraz isn’t the only music writer who writes about things that help but his meditative music is so relaxing and just has a great vibe to it that resonates with my soul. When I am having a hard day it is Jason music I go to.

Thank you Jason for listening to the Source of Life and bringing such wonderful music to the world in a time so desperately needed!

Today my daughter is picking up my medicine an hour away for me. Thank you to all caregivers who do things like this. So much appreciation today…

pax

Victoria

Send you my love…

Another Jason Mraz song lyric stuck in my head.

But I do send you all my love! Whatever your diagnosis, past, color etc…

We are all children of God! Every life is precious to God and me…

Welcome to my blog which dates back to 2013. Diagnosed in 2008 with Schizophrenia and later fine tuned to Schizoaffective Disorder same year. Earned my Bachelors in Sociology in 2010 and Masters in Psychology 2012. Worked in the mental health field for four years until stress took me out and I have been on permament disability since 2015.

I wrote a May 2020 series on coping skills unlimited which is my greatest work to date as it has all come true.

I used to sit all day since going on disability. All day. But being self quarantined has caused me to do all the wonderful things I have dreamed of doing now that i have the time and energy. And then writing about it in May 2020 has helped exponentially.

I have had to take a break from blogging for a bit. May kind of wiped me out but feeling satisfied with what I got done. With all that has been going on in the world and my heart, I have been more pensive than usual…

Mental health or brain health as I prefer to call it a brain disorder, does not go away when things happen. It can exacerbate it or if one is in touch with triggers and patterns in our lives, we can battle it and win. And on the days that I think it is winning, I can look at my day and say to myself, “you did your best with what you had for the day”.

My energy level has gone back down this week despite my many protests. I need to be ok not doing much too! The reward system worked well today and I actually had energy to blog. My thoughts are all over tonight…

Julia~my dearest friend who lost her husband over a month ago. Been holding a lot of space for her since he passed. Thank you if you have any prayers for her as she is in need of a miracle. I got to hang out at her house the other night and after supper we planted some plants. It was a warm evening and it was a perfect night. I don’t believe in coincidences and I know God wanted me to be with her that night because my old Mercedes broke down right as I turned down her road. made it to her house on a hill and there I stayed all evening. I drove my car all day with no problems but being stranded there was so perfect!

Covid is still greatly affecting me. Been staying at home because of my high risk daughter, which really agrees with me (the staying at home). When I do go out depending on which essential trip I have to make I am often anxious and scared of people not wearing masks. So much has changed in my life because of Covid. Not ready to write about it at least not tonight.

Protests- wish my son could go. he wants to but is honoring his sister’s health and her being high risk. This movement, oh how I pray it changes lives. It already has but we need more so that George Floyd and many black people did not die in vain…

Been using my coping skills as I can but with low energy hard to do my faves, yoga, gardening and tidying, but been keeping up with the dishes (my nemesis) and the house and watering. Plus self care, pet care, bills, medical help (have 5 current afflictions), and journaling about my dad and reading more of Dave Markowitz’s books that have changed my life along with spiritual reading. Actually took a spiritual retreat Sunday all day which included Mass on line, full rosary and rest.

So I guess I am good…hope you all are too:)

pax

Victoria

p.s. tomorrow more on June 2020 caregivers month and will hopefully have my daughter as a guest blogger about her experience on how she has navigated as my main caregiver since age 14! So glad I don’t try to work anymore and that i am doing so well…

How are we doing?…

These are weird times and I wonder how my followers and new readers are doing.  I know not many will answer but I care so am asking.  And if you don’t know here is the checklist I use to check in with myself.

  • Am I keeping my appointments with my psychiatrist, therapist, friends I check in with, touching in with family? Yes.
  • How is my anxiety?  Good.  What do I need right now?  A bath, incense, relaxing activities…Do I need to take a deep breath in and out a few times? yes.  Is my body tense in some areas? No. Do I need to stretch or do some yoga for a bit? yes but not going too because it’s too late.  Take my cbd oil? yes Drink a glass of water?  drinking one right now.  Wash my hands, again? no
  • Have I exercised or at least moved my body?  yes.
  • Have I gotten outside for some sunshine and fresh air? yes.
  • How are my delusions?  Today not so bad, not feeling very special which is great!
  • am I hearing voices or sounds?  nah, haven’t for many years except for the occasional humming in my ear.
  • Am I taking my medicine?  yes, just did, never miss a dose
  • have I gotten my favorite music in mainly Jason Mraz?  Yes and yes, found a new band, Music, travel, love.  Very relaxing…
  • Have I connected with God?  I ask this question last not least and my answer is yes but no messages, thank you God!

These are just some of my questions I ask myself.  So my answer about how I am doing is pretty good tonight.  Off to bed, meant to write about my crazy day but alas this came out instead.

God bless you all,

pax

Victoria