Spark easily ignited, spark easily snuffed out…

The past two days have been amazing. I have definitely made a breakthrough with my mental health all on my own. The answer often lies within…within our minds, within our hearts, within our souls…

I have not been super productive, that is not why I am doing well. It is because I have said goodbye to the parts of me that do not serve me. I have gotten rid of lost one, little one and too foused one. They had names but now that they are gone, it is fitting as such. My old therapist asked me if I would be kind to the little one if she returned and I said of course! There is no room in my life for anger…

I must now say good bye to my critical one and soon. I was parented that way and still am…My dad lives on another day and my mom is doing well. Took her on a short drive today affter visiting my pa, who was asleep, through some fields of strawberries, broccoli and ???. It was fun. There were bright umbrellas with Latina/o vendors selling fresh fruit, peaches, cherries and melons of various varieties. She was happy for a bit as I knew to cheer her up we have to keep on living…

But we also have to pray. Been praying more lately. Forced prayers and just talking to God. I will not give up on God. Even though it can still be a grey day, I choose joy, life and peace. May nothing disturb me now.

Then poof my daughter gives me some bad news about her best friend’s parents and her friend. I’m knocked off balance for a moment and there I go to the old friend. But that’s ok. I will say my strongest prayer for them.

It is so sad when people get sick. I am sick right now with continued bladder problems. Others have died, some have recovered. The ups and downs of life must help make us stronger in all we do. Not just choosing joy for some sort of fake happiness. No, looking for the good in all, people, places and things…

And appreciating the big and little things that go right and figuring things out when they go off track.

IIt is alll anyone can do. And that is enough. We are enough!

peace, love light and joy

Victoria

Extreme action yet trying to balance it…

I’m about to embark upon a new journey into myself and externally too! I’m finally getting it together.

Let me set the stage~

Nag champa burning,, coffee at my side, saying good bye to habits that do not serve me well. It’s a hot day and I have little to worry about at least for the moment. My lightweight sweater hangs off my shoulder feeling the heat although it is cool inside my home, my home my sanctuary. The garden will await until later but it beckons me. Do I dare sit out there a bit in the shade. I think so…

Annoying side effect of the anti-psychotic medication Risperdal. I rock when I am standing and someone captured it on video last night at the gender reveal party at my son’s home. I was excited and surprised that they are actually having a baby girl, Sophie, Sophia. Much to do to plan and have the baby shower but it’s all fun and that is what I want lately!

Last night was fun minus the rocking!

Off to the garden, my pups will follow but will be disappointed it’s too hot for a game of fetch.

I am integrating for those who are following!

peace love light and joy!

Victoria

Welcome to all countries…

To my twisted mind. Seriously though I am so happy to see different countries on my feed. Today was Romania. What a beautiful name. Romania. I get excited to know that my blogs although they may not have a ton of followers or likes or comments, they are getting viewed and I pray how I pray that my experience in treating my own mental health disorders often by myself will somehow touch others.

I am again at an impasse’. I fired my therapist for several reasons bottome line wasn’t a good fit. So I started consulting with others who treat DID disorder and found that I will make little progress while the perpetraor (my mom) is still active in my life. So basically I can’t fuckinng move on until my mom passes. My dad is close, but yet still life in him. Still concerned for others even though he is fading…

My DID disorder is starting to manifest physically now. Won’t go into too many details but it is stress related having to do with my bladdder. Which is really strange because the book I am reading, “you will never be normal” discusses major incontinence but mine is minor. Off to the doctor Monday.

Annoyances such as these are frequent lately. I just adjust and try to find my happy spot. Today it eludes me as I am on day 3 or 4 out of 5 till hubbie gets home. I think I am too attached to him and am going to take a step back ha ah. Let him romance me when he gets back! And not cheap wine and dinner ha ha just kidding. I’ll just be glad when he gets home honestly.

Anyway, this facade continues as I navigate my days through good things and bad. I do have a call in to my old therapist to be a sounding board for all that is happening.

Finding it hard to look up but that is all I have right now. God, infinite, all knowing and all powerful. Be at my side Jesus and help me to believe where doubt exists.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Feeling groovey…

This is a lighter post tonight. Life has been heavy lately and I have finally gotten a break!

I’m doing ok, maybe a little better than ok at times and tonight has been good. A much easier day than yesterday. Ate some artichokes which I haven’t cooked for years. They remind me of childhood, so much work! But good in the end…

I did spend a lot of time with my daughter today so that certainly helped. Hubbie is gone and yesterday was yesterday but it got me really appreciating him with his loudness and messiness. I miss him! Talked to him today but couldn’t really hear as it was noisy on his end. Looking forward to his return and my dogs miss him too! He has good energy…

I have been enjoying the two new books and it is a fight over which one I will read next. I’ve been a little lazy with hubbie gone. But he’s relaxing so I don’t feel bad. The house is tidy but as usual dishes in the sink. I have gotten in the practice of doing them at night so I can wake up to a clean kitchen so off I will go in a bit.

I am excited for this Sunday. I am going to go on an in person outing with my friends at Safe Haven 20 miles away. It should be fun but trying not to get too anxious about socializing with these new people in my life. We are walking to a touristy coffee shop, so I’ll get some exercise in as well as some socializing not on Zoom! The world is opening up. Do you feel it too? It’s a bit scary for me but not going to muse about that tonight.

Gardening tomorrow is planned and visiting with my mom and dad:) Also working on downloading the digitized memories I got after sending in 14 mini video tapes from 29 years and more recent like ten years. I used imemories and after everything it cost me $150 Us dollars. I haven’t watched them all but it will be a trip down memory lane. The little I have watched has been wonderful of my children when they were little and not so little.

It’s amazing how much we forget. So much is constantly happening with periods of rest and relaxation.

This is making me think that I need to really make the most of my time on this earth. There goes the light post! Sorry but it is my mind! I choose life, I choose hope, I choose love, love, love.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Spread the love…

This is my mission today despite whatever…

Spreading sunshine in the garden today was lovely. I played fetch with my pups and watered the flowers and some of the veggies. I woke up to a dreary day, with a nightmare to boot. But the sun came out and enjoyed it on my face.

It is not hard to love people, but it is hard to like them at times I have found. And the people we are with the most we find the most irritating. This is where I am at today.

I typically love to spoil my family. But today I am feeling depleted of energy to overlook our shortcomings. Reminders of failure forever beckon my mind as I push them out with “shutup”. Maybe I need to be more kind to them too but my negative nelly aka my mind fights hard to stay on track with a healthier way of thinking.

I am trying though to stop all negative thought reels that forever play in my mind on days such as this.

How do you stop from negativity getting the best of you?

Off to find inspiration somewhere!

My key on my car broke so towing it to the dealer 30 miles away (ouch). Our bad because we should have had a spare key many moons ago.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

the bane of my existence just got better…

So with all that has been happening, I no longer believe this will be an easy year.

I’d like to think that it will, but it is soooooo hard.

So I have decided to really get obsessed with fun things, for starters it’s my daughter’s birthday month so fun times planned with her and father’s day. A small party over here with all who love her the most and good grub! Already began the spoiling, special treats, presents and new garden furniture (only $100 used off Facebook) where she can work at when she is home working and where I will be relaxing too. It gives me great joy this month that I get to bless her with something every day. May be a note or sticker. It makes my days funner.

And today I decided that I am going to throw the baby shower for my daughter-in-law! It is going to be Luau style withh a pig cooked in the ground and everything! I am a little nervous as I have never thrown a baby shower before and I don’t know if it is my place but no one else was stepping up and mom to be was starting to plan it and I just want her to enjoy it all! I didn’t help with my baby showers at all! I will be calling in my sister in law who is more like a sister, who has probably thrown over a hundred. She will be a great help.

So now that I have projects that I truly enjoy I am no longer suffering as much. We are also going to Hawaii in September, staying in my sister’s timeshares. And then baby to be born October. Much good!

Oh there’s plenty of stuff to complain about but I choose to focus on the good. I might visit my dad today, which is never easy, but glad to have a little more time with him.

Enjoy your Sunday!

peace, love light and joy

Victoria

Oh love in sadness…

I am filled with joy 🥲 tonight after a pretty good day! Joy that I am visiting my dad again easier now that COVID restrictions have lifted. He’s still on hospice but every moment I get to spend time with him is a precious gift to both of us.

Joy that my new therapist is helping me already! Just saying it all to a professional was a great release of all my frustration over the past month!

Joy that my son and daughter-in-law will be back tomorrow and pick up their puppy.

Joy that my newest book “ A Year without fear” by Tama Kieves which is 365 days of 5 minute mind set shifts, is something I am enjoying. One nugget I got was to choose a new comfort. So I did. I did a yoga class today and took my pup on a half hour walk. I also played a little in the garden 🪴

This is progress as I actually almost enjoyed the movement of yoga but learned I like to do my own thing too. And the walk was perfect 👌 made a healthy dinner tonight and ate all my veggies!

I can see the light again and it feels good 😌

Peace love light and joy

Victoria

I am I said to no one there…fighting DID disorder!

I am so much. Yet at times “I am lost and I can’t even say why”.~Neil Diamond. The pain is always there but at times it is lessened due to the many joys in my life right now along with these dastard disorders.

DID disorder is a real thing. Some people doubt, even professionals, but I don’t having met someone with it and myself now. I am seeking integration, which basically means I am hoping to consolidate all my parts into one, just me. But it is complex and I have decided to do inner child work instead of working with a DID therapist because of the cost.

I guess this is a little bit of my blog for the month on DID (dissociative identity disorder). Now that things have settled down on the home front I am back to confronting my demons with all the courage I can muster to fight DID disorder. It takes great courage for me to look at myself as a child. Most people with DID disorder have childhood trauma and in my case it was emotional abuse and emotional neglect that caused these parts to emerge as a coping mechinism.

I believe that I was an empath or hsp (highly sensitive person) from birth, especially as I remember pictures of me as a young child. But not receiving the love and attention from my mom who was my main caregiver caused me tremendous pain even to this day. My sister fared much better; my brother not as bad as me. My dad when he was around (he worked a lot) was my sunshine and still is today:)

It’s interesting though how so much of my childhood is coming back to me through various channells. Music, childhood friends, memories of tv shows especially the Fonze eehhhhhh, and a group chat on Facebook for my grammar school. My parents did their best, that much I know and I love them both dearly and am so glad they are both still alive today.

The song I quoted above is yes another Neil Diamond song I just love. It conveys so much meaning I will share it here for anyone in the mood for some great music. It is called~ I am I said~ and you can listen to it here.

Where would I be without my music?

pax

Victoria

Happy National Schizophrenia here in the USA~Special celebration blog…

I celebrate because I have not taken my life. I may be like the moon evermoving but yet always there for me, my readers and all my loved ones. I choose life over death and actually enjoyed my day despite more drama around me.

I am puppy sitting for my son and daughter in law who are pregnant, due in October! Zelda is 9 months and is huge as it is a golden lab. I love Zelda and am training her. I have her two weeks and we are already making progess nicely…

But it has upset my routine but I find myself today and yesterday open to new interactions, today talked to a gal at Safe Haven and we always enjoy each others conversation. Today we discovered we both have acting pasts. I am going to hopefully attend a new drama class that should be fun!

We have to have fun when we can because otherwise life would be too dreary. I listen to upbeat music and my latest obsession is Neil Diamond. So far I love these songs all on Youtube. Cherry cherry, Beautiful noise, you are the sun I am the moon, Holly Holy, Girl youre gonna be a woman soon and more. His concerts are the best and he led such an interesting life it is fun to get to know him through his audience performances. He actually danced with Princess Diana!

Anyway, bottom line~ Having Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder sucks at times but by reaching out and getting help in 2008, I changed the course of my life. I was psychotic for two years. It was a strange scary and exciting time. Religion was everything to me. And that is all I shall say about my experience with Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder. If you are interested feel free to use the search engine next to the left of my blog title especially the Gift and my bio.

Thank you all for the likes and positive comments and emails. This journey that I have been blogging about my personal recovery from schizophrenia (9 years now) really has been fun and interesting getting to know all of you whether I read your blogs for a while or we corresponded at one point. I look forward to the next 9 years.

pax

Victoria

A story about a frog part two!

My first part of this story got more views than usual so damn technology! I’m using my phone to bring you Harry the frog 🐸 who has been spreading much joy! I hope it comes through.

This frog I named Harry gives me hope that this too shall pass. Today I shared with my husband the cost of ongoing therapy and he was ok with it! He doesn’t understand mental health but knows I struggle so this was huge and he is gladly paying for it.

Harry reminds me of how something so little can be so significant to me and the others I have shared him with.

I am sending this picture to Neil diamond because that’s what fans have done because of his song about a frog who becomes a king. His 🐸 room is filled up but hope he has room for one more of his newest fans gifts.

Much anxiety today about traveling tomorrow but I feel safe with my husband so all will be well!

sorry frog didn’t come through, will get my son to help soooonn…

Peace love light and joy 🥲

Victoria