Positivity abounding despite much sadness…

Sometimes one has to get an aerial view of our lives. I choose to be positive in my thinking and actions because it is the only way that brings me peace and serenity.

I look up quite often for inspiration. Without this opportunity to connect with the Source of all that is good I am lost. Karl Marx once wrote that religion is the opiate of the people. Well I will take this drug because without this hope I want to jump and scream what is the meaning of life if not the realization of the gospels and the supreme importance of having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

Enough preaching let my words inspire you and me to greater heights. May we all look to the Universe, the magick, the wonderful possibilities each day to make life better for me and others I encounter along my days. Being kind always is important to me. But I fail. Oh well, I will fail and rise up again until God decides it is time for me to be with Him.

I won’t give up no. I am passively suicidal but choose life, choose right, choose good and hope for the day when death isn’t as attractive in this sense.

What I really want to say is that our choices today reflect our tomorrow. If we’re not happy with the current results, change the means to where you are going. Don’t just sit there like I do often in paralyzed fear to do anything for fear of failure and do nothing to improve our state. Keep pushing.

Take care of your soul first and all else will follow. Take care of mental and physical next. eat right, get help from a professional and take your meds. exercise is huge for me too! Although many days I am not motivated to do my workout or yoga but always almost get my walking in.

positivity is contagious so spread it everywhere you go!

I have the minor goal of becoming a master empath! I’m being sarcastic. This is not minor but instead a huge endeavour. It is being able to navigate this life unaffected by all the chaos. I know people like this but they are hard to find because darn it we are all human.

I am writing this today but have so many problems but I choose to reframe it and say I have many opportunities to fix things which actually can be fun.

Here’s my a bit of my list just so you know I am not speaking out of my …

brother in law passed two weeks ago, much sadness for my sister and the loss of a super person in our family, hard to know what to say to my sister as she is not very spiritual.

Finances are a mess, I really shouldn’t be in charge of them at all, sad face, a problem I have tried to fix my whole life! Just two examples of some of the chaos in my life, there’s more but I’m feeling sad just typing it so will stop here and…pray hope and not worry:)

wishing you all peace, love, light and joy

pax

Victoria

Feels as the world is awakening one by one…

Time passes slowly these days but I am not alone, no I have two deceased people who visit me from the dead in spirit. I love them and they love me and care and protect all my loved ones. I am sad tonight, melancholy if you may, being polite tonight, can’t be angry anymore, as it doesn’t suit me so I am told by Larry and Jim, my deceased loved ones.

One simply cannot argue with God and win. He gives and He takes away. And He took away last Saturday night, such a man as Jim. He is greatly missed especially by my sister as it was her husband. God bless her tonight and every night to come as the holidays are particularly hard for our loved ones who have lost someone…

I get to visit my dad this next week and it has been 8 or 9 months! I am so flipping excited! We get to hold hands through a glass with gloves on. And how I will hold him so tight. I haven’t dreamed of this in a million years!

God is good to allow me to still have my parents. and if they are gone tomorrow I will suffer a while but life will go on and i have much prepared for the time of their demise. I have my husband and children and best friend during all of this.

But i have felt the craving for death to be quite honest.

But I am not actively suicidal so happy about that.

Joy for time with my children today. Joy for celebrations of being a mom for 29 years tomorrow! Happy birthday Matthew Christian! and Gary….

pax

Victoria

Warning~Religious post with no apologies…

Jesus died for us, plain and simple, He rose from the dead in expiation of our sins and lives today at the right hand of the father, filled with love and mercy for us all.  All we have to do is ask Him in and He will graciously accept!

Even though we may be disordered or know a loved one with a disorder God loves us all the more.  he knows all our sufferings and difficulties and knows the deepest thoughts of our estranged at times minds.

I wish I could write in Spanish… just pondering these thoughts today on another day in physical distancing mode.

To keep busy I have been doing the mundane and even brushed my dogs and brushed their teeth!  Gave them extra treats because I am rationing their dog food until it is safe to go out and buy it.

May order some on line but I like to get a good kind and I’ll have to look that up but for now I am good with spoiling them with extra treats.

Back to Jesus.  If you are despairing right now or are unsure if you believe in God or heaven or anything say this simple prayer and watch the Holy Spirit work wonders in your life.

“Jesus, I ask you into my heart.  I love you and thank you for loving me.  Please send the Holy Spirit to guide me and all my loved ones and the whole world right now when the devil is happy we are apart. ”

Solidarity is unity through Jesus!!!

But the devil won’t be happy if we pray this prayer.  Say amen and really mean it and your life will change.  And if you already have done this, can I get an Amen and a prayer for all of those who really need a prayer right now even if they are not yet ready to accept Jesus into their life.

God bless

pax

Victoria

Part 4 of my schizophrenia love journey…

I am alone in a room filled with people who do not know what I bear within!

I could scream but fear another hospitalization. So here I sit with my omelette hearing about the virus. I am not afraid.

I am taking the train 🚞 today along the coast solo. I will cherish this time! That is if the demons don’t come.

Never know when they will show up.

Pax

Victoria

Part 3 of my schizophrenia love journey…

So not feeling extra special when I look back at my life. Nothing heroic all very mundane but with a few moments of confusion and unexplainable happenings…

The year I received the gift of schizophrenia my world 🌎 lifted me so high on life receiving messages from above which still happens from time to time. And then the meds stopped the dialogue that was pretty constant and confusing.

But when God wants his will done in me who am I to refuse?

Today is the type of day when I will force myself to get sh$& done!

Just gonna do it because yesterday was a shitty day I don’t want to repeat!

I found out the other day I still have the gift of healing which I only use when God directs me…

So here I am still fighting each and every day I am alive. Today it’s in the garden I will work ☺️

Hoping all of you have a blessed day ❤️

Pax

Victoria

Love is the answer

In all things I do may love be at the forefront of all I do…

for the Divine

for my loved ones, especially my parents, husband and three children

I must love in deed and word

Ignoring my disorder as it causes me to go from project to project without thinking about God and all that is good.

I feed myself with spiritual readings on Eastern philosophies, Catholic teachings especially about Mary who was God’s greatest gift to this world.

Mothers are so special that even God wanted one and it is through her that we have our redemption.  She is perfect and from her I learn how to love.

What has precipitated this post is a situation that caused me much distress within my marriage.  But I asked Mary for guidance and she does not fail to go to the Father who art in heaven and present my needs.  Things are much better now that I was able to be honest with him about my needs.  The Divine is so good and wants good for us all through His love for Mankind and all that he hopes for us to realize in this lifetime!

Pax

Victoria

Been depressed, but now able to enjoy the things that enrich my life…

It is in the difficulties  of having this disorder and I have Schizoaffective disorder, which is basically Schizophrenia plus depression, and I also suffer from OCD and lately the ruminations are out of control.  I feel deeply many pains but despite this I am doing well right now despite my situation.

My situation with my parents is bleak.  Ah how much love for our family can bring us down…

Think about it; all our worries as children, mothers and fathers of dear children, and all family whether blood or adopted in by one way or another.  And we are all family in God.  For He wants all of us to be in His kingdom one day when our earthly life is over.  Love, so precious and sweet, it fills us with goodness and reminds us of good times, past, present and future moments.

But I will not let the declining health of my parents keep me down.  No I will take my many comforts~

Prayer

My music latest favorite being Make me a Channel of Your Peace, the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi

My uplifting reading from Buddhism to great saints

Talking with positive people and sometimes even asking them to pray for me and my situation and I get to hear some of their hearts.

My healthy food

My long and short walks

My pups

Watering my vegetable garden which I am going to do in a minute

Thinking about the people I love and all their good qualities

Thinking about God and His infinite goodness

Isn’t this enough?

I take my medicine faithfully like a vow because I know it helps me very much

I see my psychiatrist soon but I am doing ok despite the anguish I sometimes feel

Getting caregiver support from local agencies, classes and gifts

I can do this with the help of God

Things do not satisfy

only God

Thank you for reading this

Pax

Victoria

 

 

Exercise, my dear dad and art oh my!

Now that exercise has become a daily habit it seems like I am not even disordered anymore.  New muscles seem to pop up as I vary my workouts daily to keep my body guessing.  Today I went on a 4 mile uphill downhill hike.  My feet are very tired but I feel good from the hike and know I will sleep good tonight like usual.

Thank you to all of you who shared what exercises you are doing to stay mentally fit.  I just love life these days, with each new day presenting a new opportunity to feel great through exercise.  I joined two hiking clubs, one is silent meditation hiking and the other one is more social and fast paced.  I like the silent hikes better.  I believe talking is overrated.  I would much rather pray and observe nature in silence…. That being said I did receive a thought while on one of the silent meditation hikes in thinking a lot about my father and when he will die.  The thought was that death is not a separation…  This gives me hope that after he passes I will still feel connected to him although his body will no longer be present.  But for now he is still with us and I enjoy every minute I get to spend with him.  Today as I was leaving he was making oogly faces when I told him I was going to bring him more ressus peanut butter cup ice cream.  He just loved it!  These small moments leave me so happy!

The next time I see my pdoc in April I am going to discuss with him how to check if I still need the anti-anxiety meds  and what is the best way to try going without, to taper down or just skip a dosage.  I always check with my pdoc before changing any medication.

Can’t remember if I shared on here about taking an art class working with pewter but my art class is fun too and is very social.  I am so picky when it comes to people but I really enjoy this small community of artists.  I have made one good friend within the group, which I find as I get older is more rare than common.  My “creation” piece is almost outlined and then I will start embossing certain areas.  I will post a pic of it when it is done.  I will still need to mount the pewter to wood and add finishing touches.  I don’t work on it every day but only when I am in the mood and then it is therapeutic.  If I work on it when I am not in the mood it feels forced and isn’t enjoyable but more of a chore.

As I continue to branch out and get involved in the community I have more hope.  I still may work again but that remains to be seen so I am not worried about it right now.  Still waiting on my permanent disability hearing.  It has been a year but my lawyers say it may take 18 months now:(

Pax

Victoria

 

Is there a number able to count?

I have relapsed several times, some psychotic breaks, some anxiety attacks, some depression and the list goes on…

And each time I have relapsed I have gotten weaker in my ability to recover….

But I don’t give up.  I listen to Jason Mraz I won’t give up and I sing along.

Even though these relapses are behind me, they still affect me greatly.

Pax

Victoria

Hope has returned!

 

My last few posts have been rather depressing but I don’t dare apologize for there are times when we will feel bad and it is better to be honest about how one feels rather than to just lie and say I am ok.  I wasn’t ok and do still have days when I am not ok but I am getting through these hard times with a new hope that I believe is answered prayer.

Prayer is never wasted, no it shakes the heart of God I believe and shaking has occurred!

Despite the ups and downs with my dad’s condition I have been able to get off my duff and accomplish many things.  Not only that but I also feel I am doing much better now thanks to a few pro-active things I have done.  Mainly, I have stopped feeling sorry for myself and forgiven myself and others for many mistakes I and others have made.  This is freeing…

We are not human machines made perfect.  No, we mess up, don’t always say the right thing and often doubt our abilities.  And this is for everyone, not just those with a mental disorder like so many of us on here.  I have many friends I have met through my blog who suffer from this disorder or have loved ones afflicted and I cherish that moment when I check my email and I find an email from a friend I already had or when it is a new person either sharing their story or asking me to share mine through many different venues.

I have gotten really good feedback from others that I am making a difference so that is just super.  I have always thought, “if I can just help one person by sharing my story it is worth it”.  And I know I have helped at least one person so I will continue to blog and share my ups and downs on here and wherever else God leads me.

I have new hope that this world we live in will get better because of me and others like me who genuinely care about others.  Thank you for being a part of my recovery!

Pax

Victoria