Exercise, my dear dad and art oh my!

Now that exercise has become a daily habit it seems like I am not even disordered anymore.  New muscles seem to pop up as I vary my workouts daily to keep my body guessing.  Today I went on a 4 mile uphill downhill hike.  My feet are very tired but I feel good from the hike and know I will sleep good tonight like usual.

Thank you to all of you who shared what exercises you are doing to stay mentally fit.  I just love life these days, with each new day presenting a new opportunity to feel great through exercise.  I joined two hiking clubs, one is silent meditation hiking and the other one is more social and fast paced.  I like the silent hikes better.  I believe talking is overrated.  I would much rather pray and observe nature in silence…. That being said I did receive a thought while on one of the silent meditation hikes in thinking a lot about my father and when he will die.  The thought was that death is not a separation…  This gives me hope that after he passes I will still feel connected to him although his body will no longer be present.  But for now he is still with us and I enjoy every minute I get to spend with him.  Today as I was leaving he was making oogly faces when I told him I was going to bring him more ressus peanut butter cup ice cream.  He just loved it!  These small moments leave me so happy!

The next time I see my pdoc in April I am going to discuss with him how to check if I still need the anti-anxiety meds  and what is the best way to try going without, to taper down or just skip a dosage.  I always check with my pdoc before changing any medication.

Can’t remember if I shared on here about taking an art class working with pewter but my art class is fun too and is very social.  I am so picky when it comes to people but I really enjoy this small community of artists.  I have made one good friend within the group, which I find as I get older is more rare than common.  My “creation” piece is almost outlined and then I will start embossing certain areas.  I will post a pic of it when it is done.  I will still need to mount the pewter to wood and add finishing touches.  I don’t work on it every day but only when I am in the mood and then it is therapeutic.  If I work on it when I am not in the mood it feels forced and isn’t enjoyable but more of a chore.

As I continue to branch out and get involved in the community I have more hope.  I still may work again but that remains to be seen so I am not worried about it right now.  Still waiting on my permanent disability hearing.  It has been a year but my lawyers say it may take 18 months now:(

Pax

Victoria

 

Is there a number able to count?

I have relapsed several times, some psychotic breaks, some anxiety attacks, some depression and the list goes on…

And each time I have relapsed I have gotten weaker in my ability to recover….

But I don’t give up.  I listen to Jason Mraz I won’t give up and I sing along.

Even though these relapses are behind me, they still affect me greatly.

Pax

Victoria

Hope has returned!

 

My last few posts have been rather depressing but I don’t dare apologize for there are times when we will feel bad and it is better to be honest about how one feels rather than to just lie and say I am ok.  I wasn’t ok and do still have days when I am not ok but I am getting through these hard times with a new hope that I believe is answered prayer.

Prayer is never wasted, no it shakes the heart of God I believe and shaking has occurred!

Despite the ups and downs with my dad’s condition I have been able to get off my duff and accomplish many things.  Not only that but I also feel I am doing much better now thanks to a few pro-active things I have done.  Mainly, I have stopped feeling sorry for myself and forgiven myself and others for many mistakes I and others have made.  This is freeing…

We are not human machines made perfect.  No, we mess up, don’t always say the right thing and often doubt our abilities.  And this is for everyone, not just those with a mental disorder like so many of us on here.  I have many friends I have met through my blog who suffer from this disorder or have loved ones afflicted and I cherish that moment when I check my email and I find an email from a friend I already had or when it is a new person either sharing their story or asking me to share mine through many different venues.

I have gotten really good feedback from others that I am making a difference so that is just super.  I have always thought, “if I can just help one person by sharing my story it is worth it”.  And I know I have helped at least one person so I will continue to blog and share my ups and downs on here and wherever else God leads me.

I have new hope that this world we live in will get better because of me and others like me who genuinely care about others.  Thank you for being a part of my recovery!

Pax

Victoria

Hope

 

I used to believe I was the most special person to ever live…

Well the proof is in the pudding as they say.  I can’t even work and my proud accomplishments are mainly having raised three beautiful children, have been married 24 years to the same man and that I take really good care of my parents who are elderly and myself through proper diet, exercise and keeping my house in order.  Nothing that others haven’t also achieved, certainly not much to think one is that special.

I have lingering thoughts that one day I will write a great book that will help many people but again that has been done.  So why do I still even for one second believe this could be possible???

I am no longer delusional nor do I receive messages from heaven like I did when I was psychotic. I used to miss it but now I am used to the quiet in my life and I like it this way.

So I take my medicine dutifully in the morning and at night and just try to get through each day, keeping up my obligations and trying to have a little bit of fun in the process.

But some days are still really hard and to be honest I hate those days.  But I have learned that the next day is usually brighter and better.  I know that I get stronger when I meet my obstacles head on but to be honest there are still days when I sleep in really late and sit in my computer chair and stare only getting up to feed myself and use the latrine.

But those days are fewer and farther in between.  I am learning to prep the night before and write out my goals on google keep and my phone and to not just get stuck at my computer mindlessly surfing the web or watching my favorite show.

So tomorrow is Sunday and I don’t work on Sundays due to religious beliefs to respect the Sabbath.  I actually have a fun filled day ahead of me so I am off to bed even though it is a little later than I should be getting to bed but I just really wanted to get these thoughts out in the universe whether anyone reads them or not.

Here’s to more good days than bad this next week.  I hope everyone is doing well and keeping the hope that sometimes things can only get better one day at a time!

Pax

Victoria

Happy New Year 2015!

 

It is New Year’s Eve and I thought I would take a minute to let everyone know how I am doing after my most recent hospitalization.  I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and he wants me to be out on disability for another month while the increase in medication takes effect.  This was devastating news as I really want to get back to the working world.  I miss my clients and wonder how they are doing.  But I must heed my doctor’s recommendations to take a month off work and not even think about it.  I am a very high functioning person with SA so it is hard when one is told to stop and see a therapist twice a week and even join an outpatient program for at least the next month.  I also saw my new therapist today and she has assigned me quite a bit of homework.  In addition to seeing her twice a week (I am glad I feel comfortable with her), I have to keep a daily mood journal and make sure to exercise to beat this depression that is often encompassing my soul.  After leaving the doctorate program I began to lose hope that I have a special purpose in this life but my hope is being instilled slowly that I can continue at my current job in February and do what I love, work with children and their families.  There is just so much to this disorder, if I am not psychotic I am depressed and vice versa.  I do think the depression is worse than being psychotic but I don’t wish either on anyone.  The best part of my journey is that I have an awesome support team which includeds my amazing daughter, other family and some good friends along with my therapist who I feel I can shared almost everything.  So I will practice what I preach and aim for peace to return while I do my assignments and trust the healing process.

Happy New Year to all my readers, old and new! Here is to a better 2015 one filled with hope, happiness and life!

Pax

Victoria