Imperfect days are ok…

Welcome to all new followers. There has been some activity on this blog that encourages me but like I said a long time ago if one person benefits from my musings then I will feel accomplished. I don’t need my ego stoked to continue to blog about real things that matter to you and me. We are one step away from solving all our problems and I am right there with you every step to help navigate life, especially when one has a brain health disorder like me and many of my followers. So here is my update to an imperfect day but that’s ok because I know what to do next.

My food is perfect, but been enjoying light beers. My bad. Going to listen tomorrow to Allen Carr easy way for women to quit drinking. I know I will master this too! I don’t want any escape except for zazen which I was able to sit for ten minutes today! That’s huge. We all know meditation is good for us but how many of us really practice it? Not me until this last week. I know that now I am not smoking weed that I can do it where before it was just a dream.

Today was fun; got my vaccine in morning with my daughter!!! Then traveled 30 miles to Whole Foods with my pupper. I got rainbow chard, vegan cheese, and organic whole carrots which I am most excited about peeling them and tasting their sweetness. I am weird I know but for me food is so important now than ever before. Tonight’s dinner consisted of wilted kale and rainbow chard with air fried eggplant and sweet onion with a little bit of vegan cheese. Yummy! I didn’t finish my dinner but have half a plate to munch on when I get hungry later. I have to eat I am finding more greens to stay full and energized.

Today was a bit of a rest day. Read my empathapedia book which is really awesome and cooked dinner for my hubbie. That’s about it. Oh and my adult married son visited with great vibes. My family is my everything. Friends come and go but in the end it is family we are stuck with so might as well make those relationships work because at times they are all we have. I have made peace with my mom after 50 years of angst. That is huge. I just laugh now at her negativity and the other day she actually said she was happy where she is living! Progress!

Took the day off of writing but it is coming along albeit slow. I am rewriting and rewriting and organizing and right now it is no where close to being ready for publication. But this week I have time to devote to its end and then yahoo!

But the question is will it be done by my goal March 31st? I think it will but I need all the positive thoughts from you all and prayers if you believe in a higher power. I do for He (for lack of better pronoun) has touched down many times and not just when I was psychotic but my earliest memory is age 5 when I recognized God did indeed exist. And many times after…

I cannot deny God’s existence even though I did for a while when I was 18, a proclaimed atheist spreading my ideas. Please forgive me God ! But this is why I make no judgement when people don’t believe. I know and trust He will touch down if needed. And I do pray for the world.

My studies with Buddhism are continuing as a philosophy and model of living. I like this new life that embraces my shadows (still learning how) and impermanence. Much to think about.

These are my thoughts today at the end of an imperfect day. But embracing that and looking for a new start tomorrow!

Peace, love light and joy,

Victoria

Thursday musings…

Welcome to my brain! Fortunately I am very focused right now and very clear in several areas that previously caused much confusion.

Still excited about my E-books. I have narrowed it down to just one book by end of March and then the rest will be published as I go. I am not happy with all my writing so far but that’s ok because I feel if it is meant to be it will become clear and I emit my desire to the Universe that I wish to use as few words as possible to bring my points home without ego. Ha how can I have any ego left after all that has happened?

I do because I am human but very humbled again lately. I have lost a dear friend. I was so close to her but it is not to be again. I keep misremembering all these quotes I read yesterday because yesterday was a bit of a rough day and when I find myself at a loss I read quotes for inspiration. But anyway the quote I am referring to went something like this. Don’t pursue people who avoid you. I had just sent her an email asking her to accept me back in her bubble with no response other than thank you. Timing once again…

It is just really painful ya know to again be without a confidante a friend I can really count on. Now that I think of it the friendship wasn’t even that great because it was always about her like 70/30. I have lost so many friends throughout the years and I must now obey what I know to be true and that is that I am not meant for close friends. A famous actress/singer wrote something about this that we are fine without any close friends so I know I will be fine but it’s hard because when you spend a year with someone a lot it becomes a habit and finding my new routine is once again elusive but it will become clear too I am sure!

I did schedule an appointment with my therapist who I haven’t talked to in months it feels. It will be good to process with her much about my dad and little about the loss of my friend.

I have been through so many changes these past two weeks. I will break it down easily. These are what I have no longer in my life and it is an adjustment but necessary and I feel I am on the right path or at least a good one.

Lost a dear friend

Let go of vaping nicotine, alcohol, caffeine (down from one pot a day to one cup if that), bad sugar, social media (very limited time on there) and yes I have finally given up on weed for good.

I am not suffering at all for the absence of any of these things (except teh friendship) because I have done them with the method by Allen Carr. My offer still stands if anyone wants one of his books, I can email anybody a free listen on audible if you send me your email. Smoking and vaping, bad sugar addiction, losing weight, caffeine, weed (can’t send this one though).

My life has changed over a matter of just a few weeks for the better. It is so great to no longer be enslaved to addiction. FREEDOM!!!!

So now I must admit I have been a little bit lost with what to do as much of my time has freed up now that I no longer pursue these activities. So yesterday I was really restless so I drank a beer (didn’t help), drank small cup of coffee (didn’t help), went for a drive with my pup, ate some bad sugar (couldn’t even finish it). Finally I decided to try working out and it helped greatly. Cannot undervalue the importance of exercise for our brain health.

Today I decided to try to schedule every hour of the day. I wrote out tow lists and haven’t followed either one. But at least I have a guideline for my day if I feel lost again. Structure is my nemesis but will keep trying to get the hang of being some sort of schedule. more on this later.

Well that was a lot! thanks for reading if you made it thus far.

Oh one more thing. I got out of serious debt last week! Money is coming to me from every place I couldn’t even imagine. But I don’t need anything except a newer car maybe. It is weird not having those hefty credit card payments monthly and nice to look at my accounts without the debt hanging over my head.

If your finances are your nemesis then I highly recommend Dave Ramsey’s FPU Financial Peace University. It took me years to stop charging and then to pay it off but it was worth it every effort.

Ok now I’m done I think,

peace love light and joy

victoria