esoteric moments…

we are all rare, who share this disorder, schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder or any serious brain health disorder.

and now i speak for me, i do not know what the future holds for me or any of you all. i am not a saint nor enlightened. i am confused about much but yet not unsettled about anything. most importantly I am not psychotic nor a danger to myself or others…

why do i write this? because i have some decisions to be made today, now, in this hour or maybe I should just take a nap like yesterday and never get those 4 hours back…

I needed the sleep so do not regret it but had to reschedule an appointment for taxes.

So much change I don’t know which way is up. As I find my feet for the ground, I must share that my psychiatrist appointment that cost $300 was well worth it if only I can take his advisement. oh if it were that simple. how i struggle right now for now knowing what to do…

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Passively suicidal at a thought of life without…

What is the one thing you cannot do without? It used to be coffee and vaping nicotine but now it is weed. The thought of living without it makes me want to rather be dead than alive. Rejection, loss, sadness, fear, isolation, rejection from one person who understands me. Is it addiction or rather just a way to feel normal? To relieve stress and relax?

Nothing’s going to stop me but divine intervention.

I get a lot done in a day. Today wasted 2.5 hours on a program to quit weed. Didn’t work. Why do I think so much about quitting? Would you all really like to know? Rather I title this blog as “God told me to quit 3 times” and try to understand why now even though I don’t believe it does me harm in any way except when I think of quitting. I shall gladly share if even one person likes this post…

peace love light and joy

victoria

The remedy at least for me…

I asked God today for direction and guidance. I have done this before and been amazed at the results. It’s a simple quiet prayer asking to know His will…

Interesting what comes up, do more of this, less of that and so on. Today a dear friend is coming over. It will be fun! I lit some candles and tidied the front room. I don’t have many visitors. Maybe one for 500 of my husbands. He has famous barbecues every week and lots of car buddies. I am content like this as I have my family with me and you never know when things will get hectic.

My husband is off for 2 weeks! Creativity at many levels. Again without the vices that lower my vibration. Must is a word I have found helpful. Must be sober, must write more, must exercise. Why? Because it helps me to live up to my innermost desires, which I believe are not too lofty.

I have always searched for the truth…justifications, excuses, distractions prevent me from living it, but sometimes like yesterday it was the perfect balance of activity, rest and relaxation. It’s the little things sometimes that make my day. Like last night, I went to be with clean sheets and blankets and took a long shower so clean me, clean bed. Went to bed at a decent hour and now ready for the day.

The choices we make today reflect our tomorrows!

So I choose good things again and again.

Have to lose 20 pounds! Bummer but I got this.

peace love light and joy

pax

Victoria

My mission statement at last…

Victoria here!  Greetings to all as I begin a new leg of my journey through recovery from Schizoaffective Disorder.

My mission statement was prompted as homework for my therapist and it was easy to choose my mantra,

“To do no harm to others or myself”

I’ve published a book recently call “Loving God, suffering and being in His will for all”.  It is available through Amazon and I plead if this book touches you in any way to please write a review and help more people learn about living with Schizophrenia and what it means to them, me and others not yet reached around the world.

I am currently doing well, but may change medications again shortly because the side effects of Clozapine are so numerous, weight gain, tremors in my hands, pain in my hands and other various parts of my body depending on the day, and tiredness which I combat with Nivigil but still am sleeping 12 hours a day or more.

I am also still awaiting a decision from permanent disability for the second time around this merry-go-round.  Filling up papers, asking others to write on my behalf and countless days still waiting for some good news on the home front.

I am trying to figure out how to generate some income through this site but am not sure how to go about it yet so must be patient.

I apologize for my lack of presence on the web  this past year…

Short recap~

My dad had a stroke July 2, 2016 which he almost died, then had another stroke later on and almost died again.  This all contributed to a major decline in my mental health and led to the abuse of alcohol and marijuana and cigarettes until my husband got very frustrated and kicked me out for my disease of addiction.

I prayed to God and ended up in the 12 step rooms and am happy to report I am now clean and sober and not even smoking cigarettes anymore.  Haven’t given up on sugar for now and unfortunately have gained some weight and love living a sober life.

My medications currently are helping with the delusions but I still believe some of them and have personally seen the hand of God move in my life when I am not in His will.

I am able to get much done recently mainly due to the fact that my middle child, my nana, moved home to help mom and even though she works two jobs I get to spend a lot of time with her which is always good.  I am grateful for all my three children though as each one of them helps in their personal way.

Recovery can be elusive at times and sometimes I feel like I am doing worse than before and the opposite at other times.  Life has its ups and downs so even though it feels like I am on a roller coaster at times I trust in God’s good will for me and all of creation!

God bless and take care,

Pax

Victoria