I am what I am…

I am nothing more; nothing less. Exactly perfect how I am. My good, my bad, my disorder which gives me great insight into my condition.

Found out today that it costs me practically $300 per visit for my psychiatrist visits New insurance baloney but I’m good so will see him less often and do get free samples but worries that my new insurance isn’t that great.

So what God always provides. I am blessed for sure. I am living in the moment and have found peace in my heart and soul. I am no longer troubled about things. I have acceptance and gratitude for all that is and all that is to come!

God bless all of you whatever your beliefs or lack thereof life is short so shout out a prayer to the Universe and Godspeed…

Merry Christmas 🎄

Pax

Victoria

The remedy at least for me…

I asked God today for direction and guidance. I have done this before and been amazed at the results. It’s a simple quiet prayer asking to know His will…

Interesting what comes up, do more of this, less of that and so on. Today a dear friend is coming over. It will be fun! I lit some candles and tidied the front room. I don’t have many visitors. Maybe one for 500 of my husbands. He has famous barbecues every week and lots of car buddies. I am content like this as I have my family with me and you never know when things will get hectic.

My husband is off for 2 weeks! Creativity at many levels. Again without the vices that lower my vibration. Must is a word I have found helpful. Must be sober, must write more, must exercise. Why? Because it helps me to live up to my innermost desires, which I believe are not too lofty.

I have always searched for the truth…justifications, excuses, distractions prevent me from living it, but sometimes like yesterday it was the perfect balance of activity, rest and relaxation. It’s the little things sometimes that make my day. Like last night, I went to be with clean sheets and blankets and took a long shower so clean me, clean bed. Went to bed at a decent hour and now ready for the day.

The choices we make today reflect our tomorrows!

So I choose good things again and again.

Have to lose 20 pounds! Bummer but I got this.

peace love light and joy

pax

Victoria

Morning musing cont…

Morning, as it does, has become evening and I am quite somber tonight reflecting upon the gift of life that God has bestowed upon us all. He can take this gift away or not, it is up to Him. When He wants us home, I shall not delay but jump in His arms and finally get to see Him face to face.

It has been a long day as I sit her in the peace of the night, dog breathing softly next to me asleep in her bed and the other one, my princess, is atop the bed in my meditation room where I sleep and spend much of my day reflecting upon life and listening to the usual, Jason Mraz in his beachlife festival in the Philippines 2019. How I pray for you Philippines!

Not a usual day but got something done and fed me and the family so that’s good. Much sadness mixed with this anticipatory grief at my brother in laws impending death. Pray with me for a miracle. I do want him to remain a while longer for my sister’s sake especially. He is magnanimous and I love him. He’s a good one for sure.

I no longer welcome death, no I send out to the universe vibes of longevity for all to be in God’s will. I used to want to die but I have many protective factors that reduce my chance at suicide among people with schizophrenia. Tomorrow I will write in the am about protective factors.

pax

victoria

The veil is thin…

Death will come to us all; that much is true…

But as people with this disorder we must fight for better days so we don’t give in to the stats about suicide and having schizophrenia. We must work hard to take care of ourselves and never never give up…

Going to start a morning ritual of writing upon waking.

Today is a sad day for our family; a loved one is losing his battle with cancer. Troops are rallying around him. Blessed be God forever ❤️

Pax

Victoria

Learned mirth…continued

So sad story, both my parents are in care facilities different ones and it’s really hard not seeing them anymore. Done crying 😢

I thought up an idea to make a clue board for my mom who is pretty with it which is great 👍 I’m putting little clues that I hope she can get but anyway it will be good for her to stretch her brain 🧠 and she’s looking forward to it!

She even gets a prize!

One of the clues is a penny with a date on it significant to her life. I get to dig through hundreds of pennies to find the year of her wedding and my dads birth year etc…

Fun mirthful activity!

Did a scavenger hunt last week at the house for my adult children. Hey gotta at least try to make life fun during this pandemic!

Thinking about funny things is hard when you’re trying. I say the wittiest things when I’m not trying! So I’m gonna stop trying.

Pax

Victoria

Releasing negativity slowly…

So many mistakes or missteps I like to call them…

I would never intend to hurt anyone; but yet this part of my body, my mouth, says things sometimes that just are not helpful. I am not perfect, and trying not to be anymore. Letting things go is what I need to do.

But my OCD along with my schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder prevents this at times. But I am learning as I go.

The problem is that I joke around a lot and sometimes the truth in the joke is just not a good vibe…

But I believe in the power of the mind even though mine may have a disorder. I choose to release these thoughts when they arise and just repeat the mantra, I am good, I am holy, i am humbled. And then think about something good and positive

I surround myself with positive energy. My son is a huge positive force in this house and is spreading his positivity getting paid to play video games on twitch. I observe at times with his permission and i am just so pleased with how he interacts with others and always tries his hardest to answer all the comments. He is an inspiration to me and the many who pay to watch him play.

I don’t need money yet today find myself in murky waters due to switching banks. new bank has a hold on all checks. Today is a holiday, so no one I can call. Life can still be challenging for sure but doing much better these days than ever.

So much helps me!

I am finally free from religion and loving my new blog http://www.allformycreator.com peace love and joy. It charts my spiritual progress or interests as I navigate through new ideas mainly alchemy, the physical, spiritual and mental aspects of life. Felt like this blog needs to focus more on the disorder where my other one is all about God and connecting with Him though nature, animals, people and the mundane.

Check it out if you are so inclined.

Back to topic.

RELEASING NEGATIVITY AS YOU READ THIS

there is so much negativity in having a mental health or brain health disorder. so much misinformation and stigma. it sucks really but must rise above. The fact that I can’t work a real job does not mean that others cannot. I work hard around my house and gardens and manage some personal real estate.

Its mainly fun for the most part but days like today that are hot leave me feeling drained and bored. Nothing is fun! But life is not supposed to be about being fun all the time. That would be boring really. Imagine living at Disneyland 24/7 that would get old and would lose its magic.

So I am taking this time today to do some reflection on my routine. With covid so much has changed, so must roll with the changes. I’m a work in progress and it just keeps getting better. As long as I can stay out of the hospital and function well I will be content.

As to the negativity I fight, well that was learned from my mom. I must unlearn it and fight this pattern that has held and served its purpose for long enough.

Positive thoughts, vibes, prayers and peace to you all!

Pax

Victoria

May series cont… Mindfulness~

The state of being present in the moment at whatever one is doing…

So many examples and to me it is a way of life these days. I take my time with everything. Rushing is no longer a part of my days.

Tonight it was a small bowl of Rockie Road ice cream with milk. I tasted the texture of the nuts, marshmellows, and chocolate ice cream with each bite and used a small spoon to make it last longer. The chocolate ice cream melted into the milk which I sipped with the small spoon…

I enjoyed it very much and I also enjoyed cleaning up my kitchen this evening after cooking a healthy meal. Taking my time to wipe down every counter space and appliance after doing the dishes and feeling the hot water with soap on my hands, a little bit burning but I like it that way because I am sanitizing my dishes. don’t get me wrong, I have a dishwasher which I use but still like using hot water on the dishes I wash by hand.

Taking a drink of ice cold water and holding it in my mouth for a bit feeling the cold sensation…

Doing yoga tonight but first taking my time to wipe down my mat and just lying there on my back, feeling connected to Mother Earth and God. Feeling every pose. Resting in between…challenging myself a little to lift weights while on my back. Sitting in lotus position, releasing energy and keeping what is mine…

Soaking my feet in warm water and epsom salt (toes still recovering). Feeling the injured parts of my toes underwater where it is safe to do so. Glad they are finally showing improvement. Taking my time putting on the bandaids being careful to dry my toes well and massaging my feet with scented lotion, carefully putting on my socks and sandals and stretching my feet…

All of this done with and without music.

This to me is mindfulness. Living in the moment, not the past, not the future but the now and being excited about the next part of my day albeit hard…

Pax

Victoria

A love poem…

My heart skips a beat-

when I really think about God

I am at peace with my life in many ways

God is the reason for that-

leading me, guiding me, showing me better ways

The end

I am not the same person I was last week nor am I who I will be in one week. We are always changing. Sure there are inconveniences especially with the whole Corona virus pandemic. But all in all I am better for staying at home. And my garden has never looked better.

I do a lot, manage a lot of things. But I take a lot of breaks and some days, although not lately, I take a day off. Feels like I might need one soon but so much to do.

I have a ton of gardening stacked up, paperwork to fight with and companies, and the dogs to keep happy. But the house is clean and tidy for now and laundry is going to be finished tomorrow. So I will write on my May series. Oh my! I am behind on that too.

But I take everything in stride. What gets done gets done and tomorrow will come soon enough.

A topic coming up is the Art of tidying. I enjoy it and have gotten better at thanks to Marie Kondo.

Well off to write about writing ha ha

pax

Victoria

May Series cont… The Art of Meditation~

I would like to get to the place where I did everything in a meditative state.  Do things mindfully, enjoy them, relax into them.  Even the hard parts of the day when something goes wrong, to just notice it allowing the distraction, and come back to center of my mind, which is clear now and without delusions for the most part.  I have always had the tendency to be grandiose with my ideas so it is hard to separate the delusions with excitement of life, and then meditating upon the excitement the day has unfolded.

I am getting used to not going anywhere.  Staying at home.  Meditating more and allowing it more into my day.  I have many rituals, tendency towards OCD is a part of my diagnosis.  It’s hard to relax your mind when so much is turning around up there.  But I use cbd oil and other products to enhance my meditation practice.

Meditation is not just zoning out although that is sometimes where my mind goes.

I really need to get better at it but find it hard when I am obsessed with my music or other thoughts.

But I have been taught not to worry when that happens but to just go with it.  Eventually you can relax your thoughts enough that nothing disturbs you.

Here’s my definition of what meditation is…

Meditation is the relaxing of your mind to try to induce a peaceful state.

I get there quite often when I least expect it.

I find peace and quiet to be my choice drug when my life seems out of control…

It is hard to stop and smell the roses all the time so I try to meditate with music to help relax my thoughts.  If an intruding thought of some misdeed of my past enters my mind I crush it out with memories of good times replacing the bad.

I also use lavender through the form of incense and oil and also natural mood relaxers as mentioned above).

I sometimes sit for hours in my blue chair in my green meditation room.

Sometimes I think about God and my love for Him.  Sometimes I think of nothing.  Sometimes I think of my loved ones especially my grandma who died many years ago.  Honoring our ancestors can also be a form of meditation.

Sometimes I just don’t feel like it though and that is ok too.  Going with the natural flow of the day is what works best for me.

Pax

Victoria

 

What is the delusion?

Ok, I am willing to share this deep secret that I have only told some random therapist about.

I believe I am the cause of the Coronavirus!

God gave me a sign a week before to stop vaping.  Very clear and one other person witnessed the message to me.  And then in a song God confirmed his will

The messages have been clear and timely to what I am thinking about.

So do I quit?  No!  I tried and went crazy.

So I am sorry world.

Part of me knows that the world does not revolve around me.  But this delusion persists and there is nothing I can do about it.

I feel so guilty.

God gave me the gift of Schizophrenia in 2006 and I had no idea then what i know now.  I am on medication but the main delusion at the time of 2006-2008 and off an on since is that I am the most special person to ever live.

Well this delusion that I am causing the virus as some sort of punishment for my disobedience is a lot to handle.  Wondering if I should share it with my psychiatrist in a couple of weeks.

I don’t let it affect my every day life though, just have my moments of regret and justification.

Delusions can be so deep and I haven’t seen any more signs as of late but the world isn’t getting better and here I sit vaping…

Today was hard, I was bored with myself, my music, my life but not my dog.  Dressed her in a red bandanna left over from the large pack I bought for masks.  But instead today drove an hour each way to pick up some nice ones a kind lady made that I met on FB. Was with my son so got in some new music.

But seriously people I need some ideas   I will search my own mind.  It has failed me before but now I am desperate to find a better way to spend my days while in self isolation with my hubbie, and two adult kids.

Did take a walk with my pup which helped.  Sun and wind in the same short walk.  Haven’t felt much like exercising as of late.  But know I must for my mental health.  Must, must , must.  It is not an option no it is a prescription for me from me.  Exercise to feel better even if I don’t feel like it!

Off to walk a little, wait, need to eat dinner first.  Miss a meal, not I!

pax

Victoria