Learned mirth…continued

So sad story, both my parents are in care facilities different ones and it’s really hard not seeing them anymore. Done crying 😢

I thought up an idea to make a clue board for my mom who is pretty with it which is great 👍 I’m putting little clues that I hope she can get but anyway it will be good for her to stretch her brain 🧠 and she’s looking forward to it!

She even gets a prize!

One of the clues is a penny with a date on it significant to her life. I get to dig through hundreds of pennies to find the year of her wedding and my dads birth year etc…

Fun mirthful activity!

Did a scavenger hunt last week at the house for my adult children. Hey gotta at least try to make life fun during this pandemic!

Thinking about funny things is hard when you’re trying. I say the wittiest things when I’m not trying! So I’m gonna stop trying.

Pax

Victoria

Releasing negativity slowly…

So many mistakes or missteps I like to call them…

I would never intend to hurt anyone; but yet this part of my body, my mouth, says things sometimes that just are not helpful. I am not perfect, and trying not to be anymore. Letting things go is what I need to do.

But my OCD along with my schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder prevents this at times. But I am learning as I go.

The problem is that I joke around a lot and sometimes the truth in the joke is just not a good vibe…

But I believe in the power of the mind even though mine may have a disorder. I choose to release these thoughts when they arise and just repeat the mantra, I am good, I am holy, i am humbled. And then think about something good and positive

I surround myself with positive energy. My son is a huge positive force in this house and is spreading his positivity getting paid to play video games on twitch. I observe at times with his permission and i am just so pleased with how he interacts with others and always tries his hardest to answer all the comments. He is an inspiration to me and the many who pay to watch him play.

I don’t need money yet today find myself in murky waters due to switching banks. new bank has a hold on all checks. Today is a holiday, so no one I can call. Life can still be challenging for sure but doing much better these days than ever.

So much helps me!

I am finally free from religion and loving my new blog http://www.allformycreator.com peace love and joy. It charts my spiritual progress or interests as I navigate through new ideas mainly alchemy, the physical, spiritual and mental aspects of life. Felt like this blog needs to focus more on the disorder where my other one is all about God and connecting with Him though nature, animals, people and the mundane.

Check it out if you are so inclined.

Back to topic.

RELEASING NEGATIVITY AS YOU READ THIS

there is so much negativity in having a mental health or brain health disorder. so much misinformation and stigma. it sucks really but must rise above. The fact that I can’t work a real job does not mean that others cannot. I work hard around my house and gardens and manage some personal real estate.

Its mainly fun for the most part but days like today that are hot leave me feeling drained and bored. Nothing is fun! But life is not supposed to be about being fun all the time. That would be boring really. Imagine living at Disneyland 24/7 that would get old and would lose its magic.

So I am taking this time today to do some reflection on my routine. With covid so much has changed, so must roll with the changes. I’m a work in progress and it just keeps getting better. As long as I can stay out of the hospital and function well I will be content.

As to the negativity I fight, well that was learned from my mom. I must unlearn it and fight this pattern that has held and served its purpose for long enough.

Positive thoughts, vibes, prayers and peace to you all!

Pax

Victoria

May series cont… Mindfulness~

The state of being present in the moment at whatever one is doing…

So many examples and to me it is a way of life these days. I take my time with everything. Rushing is no longer a part of my days.

Tonight it was a small bowl of Rockie Road ice cream with milk. I tasted the texture of the nuts, marshmellows, and chocolate ice cream with each bite and used a small spoon to make it last longer. The chocolate ice cream melted into the milk which I sipped with the small spoon…

I enjoyed it very much and I also enjoyed cleaning up my kitchen this evening after cooking a healthy meal. Taking my time to wipe down every counter space and appliance after doing the dishes and feeling the hot water with soap on my hands, a little bit burning but I like it that way because I am sanitizing my dishes. don’t get me wrong, I have a dishwasher which I use but still like using hot water on the dishes I wash by hand.

Taking a drink of ice cold water and holding it in my mouth for a bit feeling the cold sensation…

Doing yoga tonight but first taking my time to wipe down my mat and just lying there on my back, feeling connected to Mother Earth and God. Feeling every pose. Resting in between…challenging myself a little to lift weights while on my back. Sitting in lotus position, releasing energy and keeping what is mine…

Soaking my feet in warm water and epsom salt (toes still recovering). Feeling the injured parts of my toes underwater where it is safe to do so. Glad they are finally showing improvement. Taking my time putting on the bandaids being careful to dry my toes well and massaging my feet with scented lotion, carefully putting on my socks and sandals and stretching my feet…

All of this done with and without music.

This to me is mindfulness. Living in the moment, not the past, not the future but the now and being excited about the next part of my day albeit hard…

Pax

Victoria

A love poem…

My heart skips a beat-

when I really think about God

I am at peace with my life in many ways

God is the reason for that-

leading me, guiding me, showing me better ways

The end

I am not the same person I was last week nor am I who I will be in one week. We are always changing. Sure there are inconveniences especially with the whole Corona virus pandemic. But all in all I am better for staying at home. And my garden has never looked better.

I do a lot, manage a lot of things. But I take a lot of breaks and some days, although not lately, I take a day off. Feels like I might need one soon but so much to do.

I have a ton of gardening stacked up, paperwork to fight with and companies, and the dogs to keep happy. But the house is clean and tidy for now and laundry is going to be finished tomorrow. So I will write on my May series. Oh my! I am behind on that too.

But I take everything in stride. What gets done gets done and tomorrow will come soon enough.

A topic coming up is the Art of tidying. I enjoy it and have gotten better at thanks to Marie Kondo.

Well off to write about writing ha ha

pax

Victoria

May Series cont… The Art of Meditation~

I would like to get to the place where I did everything in a meditative state.  Do things mindfully, enjoy them, relax into them.  Even the hard parts of the day when something goes wrong, to just notice it allowing the distraction, and come back to center of my mind, which is clear now and without delusions for the most part.  I have always had the tendency to be grandiose with my ideas so it is hard to separate the delusions with excitement of life, and then meditating upon the excitement the day has unfolded.

I am getting used to not going anywhere.  Staying at home.  Meditating more and allowing it more into my day.  I have many rituals, tendency towards OCD is a part of my diagnosis.  It’s hard to relax your mind when so much is turning around up there.  But I use cbd oil and other products to enhance my meditation practice.

Meditation is not just zoning out although that is sometimes where my mind goes.

I really need to get better at it but find it hard when I am obsessed with my music or other thoughts.

But I have been taught not to worry when that happens but to just go with it.  Eventually you can relax your thoughts enough that nothing disturbs you.

Here’s my definition of what meditation is…

Meditation is the relaxing of your mind to try to induce a peaceful state.

I get there quite often when I least expect it.

I find peace and quiet to be my choice drug when my life seems out of control…

It is hard to stop and smell the roses all the time so I try to meditate with music to help relax my thoughts.  If an intruding thought of some misdeed of my past enters my mind I crush it out with memories of good times replacing the bad.

I also use lavender through the form of incense and oil and also natural mood relaxers as mentioned above).

I sometimes sit for hours in my blue chair in my green meditation room.

Sometimes I think about God and my love for Him.  Sometimes I think of nothing.  Sometimes I think of my loved ones especially my grandma who died many years ago.  Honoring our ancestors can also be a form of meditation.

Sometimes I just don’t feel like it though and that is ok too.  Going with the natural flow of the day is what works best for me.

Pax

Victoria

 

What is the delusion?

Ok, I am willing to share this deep secret that I have only told some random therapist about.

I believe I am the cause of the Coronavirus!

God gave me a sign a week before to stop vaping.  Very clear and one other person witnessed the message to me.  And then in a song God confirmed his will

The messages have been clear and timely to what I am thinking about.

So do I quit?  No!  I tried and went crazy.

So I am sorry world.

Part of me knows that the world does not revolve around me.  But this delusion persists and there is nothing I can do about it.

I feel so guilty.

God gave me the gift of Schizophrenia in 2006 and I had no idea then what i know now.  I am on medication but the main delusion at the time of 2006-2008 and off an on since is that I am the most special person to ever live.

Well this delusion that I am causing the virus as some sort of punishment for my disobedience is a lot to handle.  Wondering if I should share it with my psychiatrist in a couple of weeks.

I don’t let it affect my every day life though, just have my moments of regret and justification.

Delusions can be so deep and I haven’t seen any more signs as of late but the world isn’t getting better and here I sit vaping…

Today was hard, I was bored with myself, my music, my life but not my dog.  Dressed her in a red bandanna left over from the large pack I bought for masks.  But instead today drove an hour each way to pick up some nice ones a kind lady made that I met on FB. Was with my son so got in some new music.

But seriously people I need some ideas   I will search my own mind.  It has failed me before but now I am desperate to find a better way to spend my days while in self isolation with my hubbie, and two adult kids.

Did take a walk with my pup which helped.  Sun and wind in the same short walk.  Haven’t felt much like exercising as of late.  But know I must for my mental health.  Must, must , must.  It is not an option no it is a prescription for me from me.  Exercise to feel better even if I don’t feel like it!

Off to walk a little, wait, need to eat dinner first.  Miss a meal, not I!

pax

Victoria

Hard day but fighting still…

It’s late…I’m relaxing with earbuds and kroq playing loud. A station I have loved for 30 plus years. Alternative music with spurts of weirdness and sometimes offensive… I just ignore those brief comments.

But anyway they are a great positive station that has a great vibe and uplifting messages throughout the music. Love chilling with them.

On to my day… it sucked. Covid stuff. Afraid of germs so much and that my husband who went back to work Tuesday might catch the virus and bring it home.

I read today that fear and hope cannot exist at the same time so choose one! I choose hope, hope that the world 🌎 will return to normal or at least a new normal one day..

Tomorrow will share my most recent delusion. It’s crazy so I hope you check back tomorrow but I’m tired 😓

Good night and God bless!

Pax

Victoria

Warning~Religious post with no apologies…

Jesus died for us, plain and simple, He rose from the dead in expiation of our sins and lives today at the right hand of the father, filled with love and mercy for us all.  All we have to do is ask Him in and He will graciously accept!

Even though we may be disordered or know a loved one with a disorder God loves us all the more.  he knows all our sufferings and difficulties and knows the deepest thoughts of our estranged at times minds.

I wish I could write in Spanish… just pondering these thoughts today on another day in physical distancing mode.

To keep busy I have been doing the mundane and even brushed my dogs and brushed their teeth!  Gave them extra treats because I am rationing their dog food until it is safe to go out and buy it.

May order some on line but I like to get a good kind and I’ll have to look that up but for now I am good with spoiling them with extra treats.

Back to Jesus.  If you are despairing right now or are unsure if you believe in God or heaven or anything say this simple prayer and watch the Holy Spirit work wonders in your life.

“Jesus, I ask you into my heart.  I love you and thank you for loving me.  Please send the Holy Spirit to guide me and all my loved ones and the whole world right now when the devil is happy we are apart. ”

Solidarity is unity through Jesus!!!

But the devil won’t be happy if we pray this prayer.  Say amen and really mean it and your life will change.  And if you already have done this, can I get an Amen and a prayer for all of those who really need a prayer right now even if they are not yet ready to accept Jesus into their life.

God bless

pax

Victoria

Message of hope…

Dear readers near and far,

Love you all especially UK, India, France and USA, Spain and every country in this world!

I greet you with love from California where I sit and ponder all that is happening.  Here are some of my most pronounced observations~

IMG_0827(1)

Empty streets- people out of love are staying home to prevent the spread of this pandemic, what a beautiful act of love…

Schools are closed- families are reuniting with their loved ones in this time of utter disruption of the normal.  note- if you are home with your kids take the time to teach them your pledge of allegiance of whatever country you are from or in.  Get a small flag and make this a part of your new norm.

Fear of anyone closer than six feet- solidarity in respecting the the spread of this virus and showing many signs of support of all the health care workers.  Wish I could share what I saw on Facebook, people in various countries were clapping, flashing their lights from their homes and applauding all who are on the front lines of this scary virus.

Confusion- we are all a bit confused right now about how this will all end up but I plead with you to look within and work hard on your inner child.  Get back to play remembering your favorite pastime from childhood and practice it at your adult level.  Mine is skipping and last night as I finished my five miles of walking I added skipping to some fun music in my back yard under the stars and moon.

Confusion continued- Look within and ask yourself am I living the best life I can in isolation?  Am I taking care of first the basics and then the pluses, the pluses being anything new that interests you.  My friend is learning to play the ukulele, I am doing tons of self care right now even though I a confused right now too.  I am looking deep within and trying to find my purpose right now in this time of utter craziness.  I have signed up to help others with wellness phone calls to seniors in our local city because the key to happiness is…

Noble or kind deeds and hot baths!

Treat yourself good during this time of uncertainty.  I am looking up still to God who is the answer in this time as much as ever.

pax

Victoria

#Jesusistheway

 

 

 

Tired of new normal…but looking up!

Tired but still not giving up…

Mentally good but tired of the social restrictions placed upon all of us, especially not being able to visit my dear parents who are both in a different care facility one and a half miles apart.

Today I took my dad a lottery scratcher that he had been asking for.  He can’t understand why I can’t help him with it but he has a dear aide who is going to help him.  It is nice to know he is loved so much.

After dropping off the scratcher, I decided to go on an adventure and walk to my mom’s independent facility to bring her a new crossword puzzle.  It was a lovely day and nice to veer from the norm.  Saw a few people from afar…

This is the new normal.  Pictures with just one or two people or dare I say three?  Pictures of scenery because somehow it helps to look at all the places we cannot go.  The new normal.  I feel like my life is virtual in so many ways right now.

I created a motivation board to help me stay in a good routine and for inspiration when I need it and it is already helping.  Will try to post a pic but we shall see.  At the top is God looking up.  All knowing, all powerful, everywhere.  We must look up at times like this.  It is my only hope.

Then it has my yoga encouragement.  Don’t know why but it is very hard to bring myself to the mat now and even prior this craziness.

To the left of my yoga time steps it has my Super space.  Right now I am doing everything super style.  Super foods (today I added mushrooms cuz somehow they’re supposed to help) and extra sauce to a frozen pizza), super walks, super bath and spa time, super me time, super nap time!  You get the idea.

So when I am stressed or bored, I can look at my board and get ideas for things to do when I am just sitting there thinking about how the world has changed.

The pink box is all I must do every day to keep my routine going.  Having a routine to follow really helps keep me focused with my eye on the prize!  What is the prize?  Well in everything it is heaven, but here on earth it is sanity and well-being.  It may help some of you to find your focus each new day in personal partying mode.  My daughter coined that phrase with a friend instead of calling it social distancing.  Lol.  Love her creativity.

IMG_0898

I am good for the most part but my husband decided to return to work tomorrow so that entails so many things.  On one had we will be able to make our mortgage payments but on the other hand it means exposure.  But that is a blog for another day.  I gave him a big hug because it might be the last one he gets for a while!

Hope and pray you all are doing well.  Thank you for the likes and comments.  They do really help but if only one person reads this and is helped then it is worth my time and if I am the only one who knows these thoughts then Amen so be it!

God bless you all!

Stay safe and sane and write anytime at:

victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

I have developed some of the most amazing friendships and had the most opportunities through this blog.  Can’t believe it has been a year since Boston sitting on the advisory board of Snow Companies, paid travel plus compensation.  Who would have guessed what life would be like one year later.

Ok, posting the pic of my motivation board thanks to the help of my son!

pax

Victoria