No one knows how much I suffer with my schizophrenia daily…

Not going to complain but have realized that right now I am still delusional about certain things. Spirituality is not what I would say hard but seeing the hand of God a lot lately and some of it may be coincidence. Maybe all of it is. I probably need to check in with my daughter about a few things or perhaps my old therapist. I am finding it hard to touch down lately. Always floating in my own dissociated delusional world where no one but me can enter.

Paranoid about many things too. Taking things very personal. Lack of follow through. This is my life. Surrounded by many failures, many reminders of who I was before this fucking disorder.

Socialized today with my mom, brother and sister. It was fun! My mom treated us to dinner and drinks and I had a fun non-alcoholic one. Too much food though. But the best part was that this was so rare for us to eat together again. The one thing my parents did right was dinner every night at 5. It was cool when my brother tossed his eaten shrimp tail on my plate. So comfortable. And I stole some of his fish n chips. My sister goofed off with silly photos and we all had a good time. Didn’t even feel disordered for a few hours. Then I came home…

To face my reality. I wish I could be with people more. It is nice to socialize again.

I have stopped watching netflix. The dramas are just not where I want to spend my time when I eat alone, which is pretty much all the time. So instead I am watching documentaries. Current one is on King Tut. I might have done a report on him in grade school. It’s fascinating to learn cool facts I am re-remembering or learning brand new.

So even though I am pretty good right now despite this disorder, I have been having my breakthrough last. When I remember what I learned Monday I smile a little smile. It is a smile towards God for new beginnings. Do you ever wish you didn’t have a memory? I remember the stupidest things that haunt me. Mistakes, missteps. roads I shouldn’t have taken. But in all this God I believe still has a plan for me and all of us. What it is I still know not…but trust in the Source that is all good and almighty!

peace love light and joy

Victoria

My mellow mind tonight…

The stage is set~

Incense burning, dog on the bed eyes half open, Simon and Garfunkel tonight for music, window slightly open for a gentle yet cold breeze, candle burning for my dad and all my loved ones.

There has been a shift today in my favor…

I went to an AA meeting at noon. I have tried it before and it has kept me sober for many years, but I stop going after I get bored and end up drinking again. This time I have a different mindset though. I am sober today but know I will drink again, hopefully I won’t but I have been around the program so long (12 years) that I must be real. Possibly with further integration I will be able to die sober one day. 😊 That is my goal mind you but I am being realistic this time. Cunning baffling and powerful alcohol is and I respect it and anybody who drinks. But for me it is not good so going back to another meeting tomorrow, visit with my mom and dad and a road trip to Morro Bay by myself!

My youngest (22) went on an adventure to Sedona, Arizona for a few days so it inspired me. Tonight, I went with my hubbie to watch the sunset at our favorite spot in Pismo Beach, Ca. Was picturesque. Heck I’ll show you!

This is a pretty good shot for a phone camera don’t you think?

The ocean holds a special place in my heart for it was there that I first believed in a power greater than myself. So it was fitting to spend some quiet time there tonight with my hubbie.

I also joined a new spiritual master class starting this Wednesday. It is 7 weeks long and explores Eastern philosophy with Western psychology! Sounds like right up my alley.

Hope everyone is adjusting nicely as the world reopens. It is nice to get out again I will admit but is also a little scary.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

My attempt at a poem…

Angels to fly

Beyond the sunset

ever reaching for God of the unknown

ever wanting connection

connection is elusive

still trying

covered in white

seeking with all that I am to reach the eternal source of all that is good!

What am I waiting for?

I do not know

It is within my grasp..

only have to lift my heart and my soul

off I go.

Daisy daisy, God is good!

Credits to ed Sheeran my listening tonight, hearts don’t break around here.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Late night musings…

My nana is a ray of sunshine wherever she goes. The quote I like best is by Henry David Thoreau ” and wherever she went it was spring” to this blog tonight I dedicate this post…

She is moving out this year, God willing… I will be happy and sad at the same time. She drives me nuts but doesn’t know it ha ha, master actress here. And she also provides so much support and care with whomever she is with and sometimes it is me.

Today we went on a walk and it was needed. I need that time to help her decompress with her demanding job and hunt for a condo. I don’t want my 22 yr old son to move out with her but haven’t expressed my opinion to anyone but I don’t think it is a good idea for several reasons. Been praying again and praying now for God’s will.

This Thursday I see my pdoc and have my list of things to discuss. The Risperdal side effects, the need for a different anti-anxiety med and my did disorder. We shall see how it goes but please send positive thoughts my way on Thursday or anytime. I shall return them to you all with gladness and hope.

Good night!

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Distractions can be helpful or harmful…

Right now I am fighting the urge to drink. So far I am winning but it is an obsession today when my daughter is away.

Minor annoyances occurring and it seems like a drink will solve all my problems. But I made a reminder card today why I can’t drink and reading it helped but praying for the urge to pass.

Distractions for this can be very helpful. I have been … gardening, which is helping and I made my to do list but right now don’t feel like doing any of it. Gardening in the sun wears me out but I’m never out there for more than a half an hour at a time.

I did visit my dad today with my mom and he was asleep for the most part but had good color. Still not eating. Still knowing every visit might be my last. But it takes a toll and is probably why I want to numb out with alcohol.

Distractions can also be harmful though by not dealing with whatever is causing the urge to drink or to deal with my integrating. It’s all together really as I continue to make connections along the way. Today was going to work on myself while driving but didn’t. I must focus on the road but it was interesting that that was my go to plan because couldn’t figure out my daughter’s car radio. Tonight will use distractions to get the house in order and tomorrow will plan on dealing with why I reach for the bottle and some integration. I am doing all of this on my own and the help of God. I’ve got to figure this shit out.

Tomorrow my hubbie is supposed to start working on my vw squareback that I’m be cruising around town in! We shall see as the bathroom needs attention with the sink. It’s his only day off so hate to push him but I really need a car to visit my dad and bring my mom on her good days. God has a plan and I am obeying.

Yesterday was a hard day because of the scammer. He continued to reach out on Facebook, but I reported it all and they took it all down. Did my part anyway! But was cycling through little one, lost one and saint one. In the end I won. Thank you God!

peace love light and joy

Victoria

“You are always where you need to be”…

October 5th entry from A Year without Fear by Tama Kieves 365 Days of Magnificence 5-minute mind-set shifts

“I’m going to ask you to trust in your life- more than in your script.

You are always where you need to be.

It’s not like the Universe dropped your call.

Your wise eternal inner self didn’t fall asleep at the wheel or started playing for the other team.

You’re still plugged in to power and flow.”

(from Inspired and Unstoppable: Wildly Succeeding in Your Life’s Work!)

I feel great! I am honored to be a part of the baby shower process and today we all met and I got to pretend I am fine. I am but I did a lot of self-integration today and boy it was hard work!

So tonight I decided to go to- my go to, this little book of blessings. Not every entry resonates with me but most do. Tonight I played book roulette and this page was the second one I turned to. Very fitting right now because I feel my life is falling apart around me. I realize I am being dramatic and I won’t bore you with details but I need a flipping break soon! I feel like I am under attack from ???

I have the power to heal though and I am trying everything in my power to do so physically, mentally and emotionally. Yet I am doubtful of the medication I am on right now, especially the anti-anxiety meds I am taking which don’t seem to work when I am under pressure. And I am tired of the akathesia (constant movement) a side effect from the Risperdal which I can’t sleep without. Appointment coming up with pdoc so will again address the Risperdal and see about maybe taking xanax.

I need to count my blessings as they are many, but am obsessed over many things I cannot control which cause me much sadness.

Praying for all of you!

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Spark easily ignited, spark easily snuffed out…

The past two days have been amazing. I have definitely made a breakthrough with my mental health all on my own. The answer often lies within…within our minds, within our hearts, within our souls…

I have not been super productive, that is not why I am doing well. It is because I have said goodbye to the parts of me that do not serve me. I have gotten rid of lost one, little one and too foused one. They had names but now that they are gone, it is fitting as such. My old therapist asked me if I would be kind to the little one if she returned and I said of course! There is no room in my life for anger…

I must now say good bye to my critical one and soon. I was parented that way and still am…My dad lives on another day and my mom is doing well. Took her on a short drive today affter visiting my pa, who was asleep, through some fields of strawberries, broccoli and ???. It was fun. There were bright umbrellas with Latina/o vendors selling fresh fruit, peaches, cherries and melons of various varieties. She was happy for a bit as I knew to cheer her up we have to keep on living…

But we also have to pray. Been praying more lately. Forced prayers and just talking to God. I will not give up on God. Even though it can still be a grey day, I choose joy, life and peace. May nothing disturb me now.

Then poof my daughter gives me some bad news about her best friend’s parents and her friend. I’m knocked off balance for a moment and there I go to the old friend. But that’s ok. I will say my strongest prayer for them.

It is so sad when people get sick. I am sick right now with continued bladder problems. Others have died, some have recovered. The ups and downs of life must help make us stronger in all we do. Not just choosing joy for some sort of fake happiness. No, looking for the good in all, people, places and things…

And appreciating the big and little things that go right and figuring things out when they go off track.

IIt is alll anyone can do. And that is enough. We are enough!

peace, love light and joy

Victoria

Welcome to all countries…

To my twisted mind. Seriously though I am so happy to see different countries on my feed. Today was Romania. What a beautiful name. Romania. I get excited to know that my blogs although they may not have a ton of followers or likes or comments, they are getting viewed and I pray how I pray that my experience in treating my own mental health disorders often by myself will somehow touch others.

I am again at an impasse’. I fired my therapist for several reasons bottome line wasn’t a good fit. So I started consulting with others who treat DID disorder and found that I will make little progress while the perpetraor (my mom) is still active in my life. So basically I can’t fuckinng move on until my mom passes. My dad is close, but yet still life in him. Still concerned for others even though he is fading…

My DID disorder is starting to manifest physically now. Won’t go into too many details but it is stress related having to do with my bladdder. Which is really strange because the book I am reading, “you will never be normal” discusses major incontinence but mine is minor. Off to the doctor Monday.

Annoyances such as these are frequent lately. I just adjust and try to find my happy spot. Today it eludes me as I am on day 3 or 4 out of 5 till hubbie gets home. I think I am too attached to him and am going to take a step back ha ah. Let him romance me when he gets back! And not cheap wine and dinner ha ha just kidding. I’ll just be glad when he gets home honestly.

Anyway, this facade continues as I navigate my days through good things and bad. I do have a call in to my old therapist to be a sounding board for all that is happening.

Finding it hard to look up but that is all I have right now. God, infinite, all knowing and all powerful. Be at my side Jesus and help me to believe where doubt exists.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Sunday pondering…

Good evening!

I’m a blogging on my phone tonight; a new laptop 👩‍💻 is on the way!

Fell into some regret today, some dissatisfaction with my way of doing things because I began to compare my way to others and that is never a good thing! I am me, the only me I know! I must do as I see fit with the many gifts God has given me.

I had a good weekend though! Not too much trouble 👿 but if I was perfect what fun would that be? I visited my dad which was hard but recovered today with some prayer , walking, gardening and taking a drive with my pup!

Much thought lately about my childhood; it was a strict one. Still affects me today. Journaling really helps me to discover current patterns that may stem from my upbringing. More will be revealed…

I’ve already mapped most of my week out and hopefully nothing interferes with my plans. Gardening, writing, walking and organizing my home cleaning schedule with the Tomm method. Excited about my week 😊🙏

Wishing you all well!

Pax

Victoria

Passively suicidal at a thought of life without…

What is the one thing you cannot do without? It used to be coffee and vaping nicotine but now it is weed. The thought of living without it makes me want to rather be dead than alive. Rejection, loss, sadness, fear, isolation, rejection from one person who understands me. Is it addiction or rather just a way to feel normal? To relieve stress and relax?

Nothing’s going to stop me but divine intervention.

I get a lot done in a day. Today wasted 2.5 hours on a program to quit weed. Didn’t work. Why do I think so much about quitting? Would you all really like to know? Rather I title this blog as “God told me to quit 3 times” and try to understand why now even though I don’t believe it does me harm in any way except when I think of quitting. I shall gladly share if even one person likes this post…

peace love light and joy

victoria