Today I saw my dad…..he is paralyzed on his left side after two strokes last year July 2, 2016.
He is not always coherent but today was priceless…
I just love my dad so so much and miss our long visits over coffee with him going on and on about whatever was on his mind, advice, observations, secret holder my dad!
I told him I was hearing voices of Jesus and he never told till later after my life unraveled. I could trust him with anything and everything and trust him I did…
but no more and this makes me so sad…he almost died twice and yet he is still with us in this new limited capacity… but I will take it God, I accept he will never be back to where he was before, so today was special.
We sat by a fountain at the care facility where he lives and called a few people and then he began to just talk to me…in a low but clear voice, advising me as he once did with words from the gospel to be Jesus’ sheep. we sat a while…and then he was done.
I have been taking Clozapine now for 3 days and I have not felt such deep emotions for a very long time….Can’t wait until it is increased and I can stop taking my other anti-psychotics!
Hope you all are doing well!
Every now and then I have breakthrough and this weekend I had a few. There are so many ups and downs with this complex disorder as I have written recently (check out recent blog below- this disease can be brutal a few weeks ago). But there are some good moments too and when one of these occur it is worth noting.
Yesterday, I went to a funeral for one of my husband’s coworkers. I did not know him well but my husband worked with him for many years. I didn’t really want to go but knew it was important to support my husband of 24 years who has stood by me and my disorder although he doesn’t understand any of it, only that he will support me as best as he is able. So yesterday was my turn to support him and I did. Not only did I go dressed appropriately for a funeral but I made myself available to his needs. Toward the end of the funeral he put his arm around me and pulled me close. He was hurting and although he has rare displays of affection, I think he was overcome with emotion and reached out to me and I allowed it, leaning into his embrace and remained that way till the end of the service.
Often I lack the ability to experience emotions due to the negative symptoms of this disorder. I wasn’t emotional yesterday but my husband was and I was there for him which is HUGE! My daughter pointed out after I explained what had happened that I always provide comfort for him, always she repeated. This observation put me on top of the world. There is hope for me.
On another note, I have been very busy lately taking care of my parents. This gives me great pleasure to be a blessing to them. And the fact that they appreciate it wholeheartedly makes me even more happy. I gave them so much grief as a teenager (a premonition of mental disorder to come perhaps) that I find myself these days really missing them the days they don’t require my help. Today I took them to Church and they treated me to an amazing breakfast! So even though I am not working now, I get to help them and my sixteen year old son and know that it would be much harder my days without such great purposes in my life.
We all need a reason to live. And today I have several reasons, my husband, 3 children, my elderly parents and a few good friends. I also have people who support me too when I am having a hard time and they know who they are!
Through these observations this weekend and past months, I find much hope and encouragement to fight those feelings of not wanting to be alive and that just feels right. Write to me if you are having a hard time finding purpose in your life if you are open to sharing and are willing to look at difficulties in a new light. Each time I conquer one of the many facets of this disorder I want to scream it from the rooftops, there is hope!