Healing journey cont…

This quest I am on involves many things as there are many facets to my disorder. Tonight I am saying goodbye to Storm (the part that doesn’t give a fuck). I have learned many things about Storm and her reason for being one of my parts. But we are safe without her so it is- see ya later Storm…

I see my pdoc on Thursday. I am also looking for a new one as this one doesn’t know anything about DID disorder and I am questioning if I am on the right meds for my Schizoaffective Disorder. I am checking with my insurance for an in network provider to see if I can save money too! I’m tired of the side effects and feel like a broken record.

Been active these days, walks, gardening and stretching. Feels good. Counted calories for half a day and got bored. I know what I need to eat so must plan better.

Now I would like to share my self-integration so far. I had 15 parts and am down to 10, if Storm goes. Lost one, little one, Francis (hard-worker), secret one and Storm are now no longer active parts of me. When they try to resurface, I gently (except must be forceful with Storm) ask them to leave and I distract myself as best as I can until me and the parts of me that I am allowing to stay (for now) and connect with all of us in any way I can. This feels safe.

I was moving a bit too fast because that is what I like to do. Impatient one I am figuring out too even as I blog… it seems like the secret to self-integration is to be really present and aware of why they developed and what they need to go away. Hope I am making sense!

Hope all of you are well~

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Spark easily ignited, spark easily snuffed out…

The past two days have been amazing. I have definitely made a breakthrough with my mental health all on my own. The answer often lies within…within our minds, within our hearts, within our souls…

I have not been super productive, that is not why I am doing well. It is because I have said goodbye to the parts of me that do not serve me. I have gotten rid of lost one, little one and too foused one. They had names but now that they are gone, it is fitting as such. My old therapist asked me if I would be kind to the little one if she returned and I said of course! There is no room in my life for anger…

I must now say good bye to my critical one and soon. I was parented that way and still am…My dad lives on another day and my mom is doing well. Took her on a short drive today affter visiting my pa, who was asleep, through some fields of strawberries, broccoli and ???. It was fun. There were bright umbrellas with Latina/o vendors selling fresh fruit, peaches, cherries and melons of various varieties. She was happy for a bit as I knew to cheer her up we have to keep on living…

But we also have to pray. Been praying more lately. Forced prayers and just talking to God. I will not give up on God. Even though it can still be a grey day, I choose joy, life and peace. May nothing disturb me now.

Then poof my daughter gives me some bad news about her best friend’s parents and her friend. I’m knocked off balance for a moment and there I go to the old friend. But that’s ok. I will say my strongest prayer for them.

It is so sad when people get sick. I am sick right now with continued bladder problems. Others have died, some have recovered. The ups and downs of life must help make us stronger in all we do. Not just choosing joy for some sort of fake happiness. No, looking for the good in all, people, places and things…

And appreciating the big and little things that go right and figuring things out when they go off track.

IIt is alll anyone can do. And that is enough. We are enough!

peace, love light and joy

Victoria

It’s a beautiful day…

Yesterday, at exactly midnight on June 15th, I opened a brand new owl journal to begin my new life. I didn’t plan it to happen at that time though so I thought that was a sign and pretty cool.

I wrote to the parts of me (referring to my DID disorder) that do not benefit me, saying good bye really. Today one of them wanted to front (be the main identity) but I didn’t let her come out. I’m fighting it with sheer will power by blogging about it instead of lying down or bumbling about the house. It is the lost one and she usually shows up around 2pm every day but today she is wanting to cause me problems and I won’t allow it.

I am pumped! I have a brief therapy session in a bit but I’m going to make it brief. I just want to run this by a professional my plans to integrate on my own. One therapy hour a week is nothing. I need the programs that are expensive but it’s like 5,000 a week! Not rich yet. So I am embarking on this journey on my own.

I am very good at figuring things out!

I am who I am and nothing more.

My choices define me. So I choose good, positive, funny, hardworking activities with leisure along the way.

Here’s to new beginnings and saying good bye!

Off to the garden to spay aphids with a new orange oil spray to defeat them. Ha ha they better watch out…

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Welcome to all countries…

To my twisted mind. Seriously though I am so happy to see different countries on my feed. Today was Romania. What a beautiful name. Romania. I get excited to know that my blogs although they may not have a ton of followers or likes or comments, they are getting viewed and I pray how I pray that my experience in treating my own mental health disorders often by myself will somehow touch others.

I am again at an impasse’. I fired my therapist for several reasons bottome line wasn’t a good fit. So I started consulting with others who treat DID disorder and found that I will make little progress while the perpetraor (my mom) is still active in my life. So basically I can’t fuckinng move on until my mom passes. My dad is close, but yet still life in him. Still concerned for others even though he is fading…

My DID disorder is starting to manifest physically now. Won’t go into too many details but it is stress related having to do with my bladdder. Which is really strange because the book I am reading, “you will never be normal” discusses major incontinence but mine is minor. Off to the doctor Monday.

Annoyances such as these are frequent lately. I just adjust and try to find my happy spot. Today it eludes me as I am on day 3 or 4 out of 5 till hubbie gets home. I think I am too attached to him and am going to take a step back ha ah. Let him romance me when he gets back! And not cheap wine and dinner ha ha just kidding. I’ll just be glad when he gets home honestly.

Anyway, this facade continues as I navigate my days through good things and bad. I do have a call in to my old therapist to be a sounding board for all that is happening.

Finding it hard to look up but that is all I have right now. God, infinite, all knowing and all powerful. Be at my side Jesus and help me to believe where doubt exists.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

what is going on?…

drrama never ends over here! much today…latest incident i hit my hand on the door and now icing it so typing with my left hand ha ha i am addicted to blogging

mild food poisoning twice, my mom is upset with me and problems with a close family member mentally who is hospitalized and it may be DID disorder…wow

are these days to be considered normal, is anyone else seeing a spike in mental health crisises in families? I sure am and I am one of them. I didn’t share my own difficulties with my daughter in law but did share what I could and was glad to talk to my son too and offer support when I am falling apart. They can’t ever know because I want them to count on me as the very best grandma I can be. They don’t need to hear my drama. I don’t want to hear my drama. If I’m still falling apart come October when the baby is due, I will have to tell them. But they are counting on me to babysit and today I can barely take care of myself and my pups…

All I want is peace and quiet. One day though as the music is blaring to a very quiet empty house…

Typing with both hands now, hand feeling better after icing it but looks like I damaged a blood vessel in two parts of my hand.

Super excited to share that I am back reading again! I started reading a new book called “How to do the work” by author Nichole LePera and following her on instagram. Her handle is holistic psychologist (3.9 million followers!) and I really am into the book, which is also available on Audible. I got the book from Safe Haven and am finding it more helpful than therapy the bit I have read. We shall see…

I’m not happy entirely with my new therapist. She has helped some to sort through some stuff from my childhood but I find her forgetful and distracted.

Anyway, doing the best I can with what I’ve been given. I have many gifts to share and I do when I can. Little ways, big ways, a kind smile under the mask (both kinds of masks).

But I have figured something out from the book I started today~

My busyness I thought was a reflection on how I am doing,

but I have learned today that it is not.

It is a distraction from dealing with unhealed childhood trauma.

I am really thinking about this and I hope it makes sense. Today I have not been able to be busy due to food poisining and today has sucked until tonight. I thrive at night. At least I got the dishes done! My hand is throbbing right now.

I also just received the book recommended by one of my faithful followers (thanks again), called You will Never be Normal. It’s out in my mailbox. I love getting new books that sometimes resonate with me and if they don’t I don’t finish them.

Why can’t life be this simple. On page everything is nice and tidy but life sure can be messy.

Glad I am good at figuring things out!

peace love light and joy

Victoria

End of May thoughts…

Let June come quickly, and already is in some parts of this big world; yet I feel more connected now after seeing all the different countries visiting my blog, some of which I have never heard of which is amazing. The web can be used for good so for that I am grateful.

It is the end of mental health month, but let not our journey end there. Let us continue to educate ourselves and support one another on this journey of the unknown and I will hang on for this ride. Oh, I do soar at times and certainly appreciate when they come. But far and between lately…

I had my first session with a DID disorder therapist today and it went well although there were 3 interruptions! I talked a lot, wow, it was good to get it all off my chest. The stress, the joys, the mundane all wrapped up into 45 minutes with mostly me talking. She did say the prognosis is good and said why but she also was able to witness one of my alters when my son interrupted me for something important, and then when my son’s dog escaped, she got to talk to Francis the hardworker. One thing I liked was that she listened and let me talk.

I was so nervous thinking I was going to be talking about my childhood. She met me where I was at and it was over so quick. Because of the prognosis I am feeling better about my life. Hope for better days and integration.

I haven’t been able to blog the past few days, a few drafts, but too much thinking over the weekend over what my new therapist would ask me. I visited my dad, which went great, and then took a long drive with my fave lately, Neil Diamond. Saturday was 5 hours at the pet urgent care with my son’s dog, who is huge. My dog bit off a chunk of my son’s dog in a fight over a bone. Stressful to say the least. But today was mellow and was ablle to clean up the messy house from the busy weekend. Feels good.

Thank you all!

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Soolamen…taking me home

I am drinking tonight after a day of realizations. I have been busy in many ways and I am happy to report that I have a new therapist who specializes in DID disorder. I definitely have it. I won’t write about it on here too much but today was fucked up again so I sought help. We shall see if this therapist pans out. I watch for signs and the last assessment I had scheduled got canceled twice due to other pressing matters. We shall see.

I started a blog on DID disorder today and it was beautiful with dark colors and flowers but I decided that it is not where I wish to blog. I shall remain here ever as your servant. For better or worse I will blog because I am compelled to in so many ways. It helps me firstly, and the activity shows me that others are reading my blogs and liking them so I know I am reaching others. But a part of me wishes I had all the answers. I don’t unfortunately.

Looking at my past has really stirred up a lot of emotion. My parents did their best. My mom provided many activities but was lacking in the emotional arena. I love her though with all my heart even though right now I am not talking to her a lot due to many different reason. Tomorrow we are visiting my dad so send positive thoughts please!

I was really fucked up today mentally due to untreated DID disorder. But I have hope for Monday. I wish to integrate but losing my identities is also scary because they are a part of me and I am used to them. Michelle, the host of the system, is excited about the new therapist and getting some help. She needs it. Sorry if this is confusing but my real name is Michelle. Victoria is a pseudo name but was also the name my birth mother gave me when I was born so not too far off.

Brief history for anyone who cares. I was conceived by an unknown father, my birthmom struggled with keeping me or giving me up for adoption to a Catholic home, which she did, but the home I first went to was with a woman who was diagnosed with a terminal illness so I was removed and placed in an orphanage and later adopted by my mom and dad. My mom was unloving,, unkind, strict and controlling to say the least. This is how I split at an early age and rebelled as a teenager to say the least again.

That is all for now!

Except for tonight’s song, Soolaman by Neil Diamond here. I am obsessed with this song tonight.

pax

Victoria

I am I said to no one there…fighting DID disorder!

I am so much. Yet at times “I am lost and I can’t even say why”.~Neil Diamond. The pain is always there but at times it is lessened due to the many joys in my life right now along with these dastard disorders.

DID disorder is a real thing. Some people doubt, even professionals, but I don’t having met someone with it and myself now. I am seeking integration, which basically means I am hoping to consolidate all my parts into one, just me. But it is complex and I have decided to do inner child work instead of working with a DID therapist because of the cost.

I guess this is a little bit of my blog for the month on DID (dissociative identity disorder). Now that things have settled down on the home front I am back to confronting my demons with all the courage I can muster to fight DID disorder. It takes great courage for me to look at myself as a child. Most people with DID disorder have childhood trauma and in my case it was emotional abuse and emotional neglect that caused these parts to emerge as a coping mechinism.

I believe that I was an empath or hsp (highly sensitive person) from birth, especially as I remember pictures of me as a young child. But not receiving the love and attention from my mom who was my main caregiver caused me tremendous pain even to this day. My sister fared much better; my brother not as bad as me. My dad when he was around (he worked a lot) was my sunshine and still is today:)

It’s interesting though how so much of my childhood is coming back to me through various channells. Music, childhood friends, memories of tv shows especially the Fonze eehhhhhh, and a group chat on Facebook for my grammar school. My parents did their best, that much I know and I love them both dearly and am so glad they are both still alive today.

The song I quoted above is yes another Neil Diamond song I just love. It conveys so much meaning I will share it here for anyone in the mood for some great music. It is called~ I am I said~ and you can listen to it here.

Where would I be without my music?

pax

Victoria

May Joys…

There is so much joy in the month of May for me. I enjoy being in my garden late in the day with my doggies at my side relaxing and enjoying the hard work of me and my daughter with a full veggie section and planting the flower part tomorrow!

I am working on the depression piece for May series 2021 but I’m not gonna lie it’s kind of depressing to write about depression especially when one finds themselves situationally depressed although I am coming out of it because I found my therapist after 3 consults. The consults themselves wiped me out so I took a long bath tonight and am choosing to write about things that bring me joy.

Be back in a sec…

Because I choose to be like Scarlett O’hara and think about tomorrow tomorrow…

I am taking a lot of me time. Realizing huge gaps in my memory about my childhood because of what it was like for an empath to grow up feeling unloved due to heavy criticism and some verbal abuse from my mother. I sought love everywhere, other families would sort of adopt me, I enjoyed spending time with the elderly and I excelled in school although not to my full potential but I did damn good.

May is not only Mental Health Awareness Month but it is also the month of Mary! I have a Mary garden and it is blooming nicely just for her. Ivy has grown around her statuette and the rose bush is blooming partially.

I am forcing myself to keep positive right now. As I type I think of all the things wrong in any given topic with my life, gardens hell life. Yet I choose because I want to to look on the bright side. I’m not all about rainbows and butterflies but I do try to keep it real and that is why I love blogging…

But as for tomorrow, we, my mom and I, are going to visit my dad, which we always know may be the last time…

I have the morning planned out to get shit done and then the afternoon to just chill and go to bed as early as I want! The house is prepped today, there is food ready to eat in the fridge and all is well.

I know that finding a therapist that I can connect with and who has expertise in both DID and Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder is bringing much relief. She did question my diagnosis as DID and Schizophrenia can be confused but in DID one dissociates (which I have since an early age) and Schizophrenia (no dissociatinng). I am already learning from her and I like her. But I know I have both and am seeking integration of all my different parts.

So taking a break after the visit with my mom and dad tomorrow and have my grief therapist on Friday afternoon. If I feel up to it I am going to volunteer that morning at Growing Grounds a farm that supports the mental health program I am involvevd in. But only if I can get to bed early…

What are some things that bring you joy in May?

peace, love and light and joy

Victoria

Tips on Preparing for a mental health appointment…

I am set tomorrow to see my psychiatrist about my noted recent mental health concerns at 7am. I don’ t get up till 9am usually, so this preparation is already starting with my caffeine intake and plans to get to bed by 11. I do not do well without sleep as do most of us so this is important. I can always go back to bed if needed I suppose so we shall see.

Last night I wrote out my brief points I wish to discuss with my psychiatrist tomorrow. I only get 15-20 minutes for the appointment and there is much to cover so although when I am doing well I don’t always do this, I felt it was extremely important to write things down for this and past crucial appointments. I included past times of dissociation prior to being diagnosed with Schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder and when others had noticed it.

I also have had to think much about my privacy at that time as my husband is scheduled to leave for a trip around 6am so hopefully he will be gone and everyone else will still be asleep. I do have a plan B though to just go on my phone in my car if others are around. I do miss in person appointments with the safety of being in his office. I have tested all my new equipment and it is all working.

Wonderful today I received a message from my psychiatrist to complete a specific how I am doing the past two weeks assessment, which I did. This made me very happy as it shows that he is prepping as well for this appointment. I have been with the same psychiatrist for the past 13 years so we know each other well and the best part is that I feel heard when I speak to him of my concerns and never judged. He values my insight into my conditions and is very respectful of wherever I am at. So high hopes tomorrow!

Will blog tomorrw hopefully and give an update.

Wishing you all a wonderful day and weekend ahead:)

peace love light and joy

Victoria