May Joys…

There is so much joy in the month of May for me. I enjoy being in my garden late in the day with my doggies at my side relaxing and enjoying the hard work of me and my daughter with a full veggie section and planting the flower part tomorrow!

I am working on the depression piece for May series 2021 but I’m not gonna lie it’s kind of depressing to write about depression especially when one finds themselves situationally depressed although I am coming out of it because I found my therapist after 3 consults. The consults themselves wiped me out so I took a long bath tonight and am choosing to write about things that bring me joy.

Be back in a sec…

Because I choose to be like Scarlett O’hara and think about tomorrow tomorrow…

I am taking a lot of me time. Realizing huge gaps in my memory about my childhood because of what it was like for an empath to grow up feeling unloved due to heavy criticism and some verbal abuse from my mother. I sought love everywhere, other families would sort of adopt me, I enjoyed spending time with the elderly and I excelled in school although not to my full potential but I did damn good.

May is not only Mental Health Awareness Month but it is also the month of Mary! I have a Mary garden and it is blooming nicely just for her. Ivy has grown around her statuette and the rose bush is blooming partially.

I am forcing myself to keep positive right now. As I type I think of all the things wrong in any given topic with my life, gardens hell life. Yet I choose because I want to to look on the bright side. I’m not all about rainbows and butterflies but I do try to keep it real and that is why I love blogging…

But as for tomorrow, we, my mom and I, are going to visit my dad, which we always know may be the last time…

I have the morning planned out to get shit done and then the afternoon to just chill and go to bed as early as I want! The house is prepped today, there is food ready to eat in the fridge and all is well.

I know that finding a therapist that I can connect with and who has expertise in both DID and Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder is bringing much relief. She did question my diagnosis as DID and Schizophrenia can be confused but in DID one dissociates (which I have since an early age) and Schizophrenia (no dissociatinng). I am already learning from her and I like her. But I know I have both and am seeking integration of all my different parts.

So taking a break after the visit with my mom and dad tomorrow and have my grief therapist on Friday afternoon. If I feel up to it I am going to volunteer that morning at Growing Grounds a farm that supports the mental health program I am involvevd in. But only if I can get to bed early…

What are some things that bring you joy in May?

peace, love and light and joy

Victoria

Tips on Preparing for a mental health appointment…

I am set tomorrow to see my psychiatrist about my noted recent mental health concerns at 7am. I don’ t get up till 9am usually, so this preparation is already starting with my caffeine intake and plans to get to bed by 11. I do not do well without sleep as do most of us so this is important. I can always go back to bed if needed I suppose so we shall see.

Last night I wrote out my brief points I wish to discuss with my psychiatrist tomorrow. I only get 15-20 minutes for the appointment and there is much to cover so although when I am doing well I don’t always do this, I felt it was extremely important to write things down for this and past crucial appointments. I included past times of dissociation prior to being diagnosed with Schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder and when others had noticed it.

I also have had to think much about my privacy at that time as my husband is scheduled to leave for a trip around 6am so hopefully he will be gone and everyone else will still be asleep. I do have a plan B though to just go on my phone in my car if others are around. I do miss in person appointments with the safety of being in his office. I have tested all my new equipment and it is all working.

Wonderful today I received a message from my psychiatrist to complete a specific how I am doing the past two weeks assessment, which I did. This made me very happy as it shows that he is prepping as well for this appointment. I have been with the same psychiatrist for the past 13 years so we know each other well and the best part is that I feel heard when I speak to him of my concerns and never judged. He values my insight into my conditions and is very respectful of wherever I am at. So high hopes tomorrow!

Will blog tomorrw hopefully and give an update.

Wishing you all a wonderful day and weekend ahead:)

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Navigating recognizing mental health changes…

When changes or recognizing patterns that have always been there concerning my mental health occurrs what should one do for the easiest transition?

For me it is in this order~

Checking in with my care team starting with my psychiatrist who I have had for 13 years now since being diagnosed with Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder in 2008. I trust him with my mental health. Have never felt judged. But I know I must be honest with him to my best ability for that is the only way I will get answers.

Next checked in with my adult daughter who has been my mental health support since 2008 also. She is always a good ear and I mostly agree with her feedback but not always. We have a great relationship though so it is not the easiest to discuss with her until I speak to my psychiatrist anyway. She needs that validation I suppose.

Finally, I just had a session with my therapist of old because she knows me. It was ok but I felt I was teaching her more about the disorder than her. But it was good practice to be able to explain how these changes came about or recognition of the symptoms that have been present since I was little.

Lastly, I have been receiving support from my group called Safe Haven where I began to learn about DID and OSDD disorders. They don’t have it but are supportive.

I’m having a rough week and it’s barely Monday. The concert distracted me at a fabulous level but now back to feeling discombobulated. But I know the best way for me to cope with the unknown condition of my mental health which I would call unraveling is to be busy. So off I go to clean the house. Well at least after I listen to my fave Jason MRaz song ” I won’t give up”.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Ongoing drama with identities..and some fun 🤩

It’s all making sense now as my different alters emerge and as I am able identifying them. Kinda fun yet tedious. There are ten so far. They are competing tonight between tidying and writing ✍️.

Now for the fun! Me and my daughter are going to see Jason mraz in love concert this Saturday!!!!! So excited and found my new track to listen to! That’s why I’m staying up late.🙃🦋

Gardening 🧑‍🌾 is coming along nicely. I do enjoy it immensely. Must trim roses 🌹 tomorrow. It’s been cold 🥶 lately and that’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it!😃

I do have an appointment with my psychiatrist soon; been with him for 13 years now so thinking 🤔 it will go ok.

Ordered new glasses today on zenni optical online. Had to get my new prescription from Walmart though. I hate wearing glasses 🤓 but that’s just me.

Laptop arrived today. My son is setting it up and bringing it over Saturday! So excited 😆

Well that’s all for now! Wish us well as we all integrate…

Peace love light and joy

Victoria

Schizophrenia and DID disorder…

I am once again finding out about myself and it is a little scary. This is a different kind of post today because I am once again having an epiphany about my mental health.

But before I begin welcoming you to my mind I want to welcome my new followers with at least one of them being genuine. I so appreciate you all taking the time to read and learn and welcome comments or it seems to be emails is to be preferred. Feel free to reach me at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com . I answer all my emails so far and really love getting to know new people with concern over loved ones with Schizophrenia, Schizoaffective Disorder and now DID disorder which I believe I have had since age 13 or earlier.

What is DID?

 “Dissociative identity disorder (DID) was formerly called multiple personality disorder. It is a mental illness that involves disruptions or breakdowns of memory, awareness, identity and/or perception.” from Cleveland Clinic.

I have at least two distinct identities I can identify, one is very happy yet wild and one is very reasonable and disciplined. I can see pictures of me in both identities and it is very real. I struggled a lot as a teenager and I know it was from a very strict controlling environment growing up. PTSD or something like it. That and being adopted and being in three environments as a baby perhaps set it up.

The struggle is real for me though as I really don’t know what to do right now. Thinking about calling my pdoc for an earlier appointment to get diagnosed. Why do I want a diagnosis? For my disability case mainly. And to have someone confirm what I already know. And to get help but the help would be to do more therapy. blah blah blah, been there done that but not with this?????

And how I realized it was from attending those damn mental health groups where one participant had 32 identities! It is good to have an explanation but seriously I am so overwhelmed with grief right now.

My Schizoaffective Disorder is good right now though with the right meds and proper sleep and nutrition.

The worst part is that I don’t want to tell my daughter. I’m embarrassed to have yet again another problem. But it would explain certain things and she has always been wonderful. But my husband! Oh my!

This is weird to admit on here but still not giving up even though it is hard to look up right now.

peace love light and joy

Victoria