Life is short and long…

Found out today from a reputable source in the schizophrenia field that covid is especially dangerous for people with schizophrenia. She wasn’t sure why but I want to encourage you all to take good care😊 I got my first vaccine already so I’m happy about that.

I also like staying home. It’s wonderful to support local families in their endeavors to make money. Just bought some cute Easter 🐣 bags for all my loved ones! Delivered and all!

Happy Good Friday to all of you. It has been a somber day…

Peace love light and joy

Victoria

Strange times bring about needed change for me at least…

In these unprecedented times I go first to God and then I take action.  Today it was giving up something I love.

Many reasons for this denial but bottom line I am doing what I feel I ought.  And may God help me!

I rejoined AA and am working the steps in an unusual fashion.  I have been with the same sponsor for 6 years and have 2 days sober.  I wasn’t drinking a lot but when I did it was sneaky and fast to get the effect and alcoholic.  So I gave it up and now have in my routine to go to a zoom AA meeting every day at noon.

Anyways, this wise lady has been with me through thick and thin and we have worked the steps so many times in so many ways that we both had the idea to just do them free form.  Well she assigned me writing to do and I am going to do it here in case anybody else suffers from addiction as do I.

So here goes~

Why do I pick up that first drink that doesn’t satisfy?

First reason- anxiety, I get in the mood to party and get wasted and I think a beer or three will fix that.  I don’t like to get drunk but it feels good to be buzzed and forget the pain I feel right now for many reasons…

What can I do to solve this?  yoga helped today as did gardening and walking.  And writing is always therapeutic. Taking a bath is something I really enjoy and sniffing lavender when I am anxious can really help too.  I can also take my midday dose of goterpy which is full spectrum CBD oil.  Which I do happen to sell.

Second reason- boredom

Well I think we can all relate to this one at some level.  I’m tired of cleaning, cooking all the time and even get bored with myself.  Anxious and bored really doesn’t make a great mix I am sure you can imagine.  Going off the rails inside because I am so broken still at times and can’t think of one thing to do that interests me.

Solution-  I have taken up new hobbies!  Paint by number of a peacock and bought a guitar to learn to play!  Also if I get like this and I am at my worst fixing with alcohol or sugar I can look at my list I posted about a week ago.  Super baths, super naps, super everything i can read on my list.

The single thing that I think is really important is to not pick up that first drink or drug!   More meetings, writing and talking with people who understand addiction.

I can do this one day at a time, one moment, one nanosecond!

Praying for all of you in this difficult time.  Wishing and praying for a peaceful resolution to this pandemic!

Pax

Victoria

 

 

 

 

14 year anniversary of receiving gift of Schizophrenia…

It was 14 years ago that during Easter Vigil Mass 2006 I received fully the gift of Schizophrenia.

Why do I call it a gift though?  Delusional perhaps but I know it is my way to heaven.  The suffering, the mysteries, the unending  confusion between my thoughts and what is reality.  I am a great sinner and I believe my Schizophrenia to be my purgation.

I don’t embrace it every day as I ought but some days like today I do.  It is Easter Sunday and I have much peace in my heart amidst the suffering from Schizophrenia.

Made a good breakfast for all, cut my finger, burned my mouth, relaxing listening to Elvis gospel music.

My musings are relaxed today.

With much to be grateful for it is with a heavy heart that I learned today that one of my daughter’s friends’ dad has covid 19.  He is doing well though and is at home getting better.  But this is the first case I have of someone I know getting the virus.

I have a special place for my prayers for this war between us and this virus.  It is my zen garden and it represents all the people who need prayer.  I move a stone into the little space once I am moved to a prayer.  It is very full right now.  I know many who are at the front lines with essential businesses including my husband.

May Easter blessings be upon you all!

He is Risen!

Pax

Victoria

experiment failed…

so i did something stupid.  i stopped exercising for a few days and then ate a bunch of junk food. i feel like crap. only thing getting me through it is kroq 106.7 fm radio station.  they give me the news along with my favorite music…

mentally down but forcing myself to get busy today.  running out of things to clean or at least what I am willing to clean.  The overhead light in my kitchen has never been cleaned. pure grease. blogging is helping my mood.

Favorite song right now- Running up that Hill, made a deal with God by Kate Bush.  I must make a deal with God to end the corona virus. at least that is one of my delusions. Not really in the mood to share it today as promised.  Too raw,, too person, too global.

Time is as nothing

days on end

stuck in the new pattern of life

pax

Victoria