Life is short and long…

Found out today from a reputable source in the schizophrenia field that covid is especially dangerous for people with schizophrenia. She wasn’t sure why but I want to encourage you all to take good care😊 I got my first vaccine already so I’m happy about that.

I also like staying home. It’s wonderful to support local families in their endeavors to make money. Just bought some cute Easter 🐣 bags for all my loved ones! Delivered and all!

Happy Good Friday to all of you. It has been a somber day…

Peace love light and joy

Victoria

Over productivity side affects…

Greetings to all!

I have been busier than usual this weekend and today…

But I’m still looking for that safe place to land…

Feeling off despite being physically active.  Took my cbd oil and have been taking my supplements but I’m just a little off.  Listening to heavy metal music right now.  It’s my mood.  Off to Nether nether land, boom!

It’s great to have projects to be doing and all the while keeping up with house and bills.  I have a friend who is not mentally disordered who told me today that she quit from her job as maid and cook.  I was like wow, how do you do that?  Haven’t heard back.  Problems in the union I suppose but it made me grateful that I am not feeling like quitting but it would be nice to get a day off.

I do a lot in a day most days lately but I take a lot of breaks.  Still vaping unfortunately but it is an addiction and not one easy to break.  One day…

My unit family at home with me are all pitching in to make the yard better.  This is a miracle.  We have weeds everywhere, well not anymore, and it is great to be buying plants.  Today my husband wanted an orange tree so off I went!  Son will dig hole and plant it and I will take care of it.

I have a side garden where I like to relax with my doggies and it has been overgrown with weeds for over a year.  I am physically limited on how much I can do.  I am not in great shape for gardening but am trying.  My daughter did all the weeding on the side garden!  She worked hard and I am so grateful.

May series starts soon!  It has been a challenge to write the blogs in a word document that really addresses my guessing at what types of readers read this blog.  I don’t get much feedback and always target the Schizophrenia population as that is where my heart lies.  So the aim of this series will be around how some of these activities can be helpful to people with Schizophrenia.  But they are also helpful for people with other mental health disorders or anybody right now with this pandemic.  Off I go to write day 2!

Still open to suggestions.  Feel free to email me at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com and let me know your interests and struggles.  This is my personal email and will not be seen by anybody but me.

So to conclude.  I am off mentally today but that is ok.  I am not going to be 100 percent every day.  And although I am being over productive I find it is hard for me to rest now that I have gotten a taste of what activities can do for me.  But am going to lay down and take a nap because that is the next thing on my list then it is back to the gardens!

God bless and stay safe.

Pax

Victoria

 

 

My life…

Peaceful

Amazing

I notice the little things often throughout the day  and am amazed at how something so simple, which I may of ignored prior to all this new era of strangeness, can bring me great joy… a flower, a small bug, a smell, a taste…I noticed these things before but now I really try to make them last.

I have my share of problems though and the delusions are not always at bay but today they are~ so it is a good day.

Nice not to have God giving me messages all the time…. things never working out.  But the quiet of heaven also brings a certain sadness and loss although it wasn’t real it was quite special and beautiful.

Today it was a shower that made me joyful.  The hot water and cleaning of my body and care taken with lotion and conditioner.  I feel clean and am pleased that my husband just came home from working at my son’ s yard and is also taking a shower.  Clean couple for how long?

Today was also really cool.  I bought a kiddie pool last year when it was hot and never used it.  Well it was in the eighties today and me and my adult daughter went in it for several hours.  It was so much fun just hanging out with her being silly in a kiddie pool.  Splashing and the doggies hanging out with us.  Great times…

I am working on my May blog series.  Wish I could just share it now but really want to perfect each blog.  Right now in case you can’t tell I just right off the cuff and it doesn’t always makes sense perfectly when I reread my posts.  I reread them because sometimes I forget what helped me prior and it is awesome to have it all recorded on my blog which has been active since 2013.

My first day of the series starting May 1 is on the benefits of yoga.  I don’t practice this near enough.  But when it does it grounds me.  So I will keep trying to get my mat out.

An injury has prevented me from walking my usual 3-5 miles a day.  Stupid toe.  But it is getting better.  Today I gardened in the morning and it was great.  I am not much of a morning person.  The meds I take at night 3mg of Risperdal keeps me drowsy in the am but I wanted to beat the heat so I got out there at 10!!!  A miracle for me.

Oh, dear Jesus, we need a miracle right now, a cure, a healing of the world, by your blood I claim your healing power amen

pax

Victoria

 

How are we doing?…

These are weird times and I wonder how my followers and new readers are doing.  I know not many will answer but I care so am asking.  And if you don’t know here is the checklist I use to check in with myself.

  • Am I keeping my appointments with my psychiatrist, therapist, friends I check in with, touching in with family? Yes.
  • How is my anxiety?  Good.  What do I need right now?  A bath, incense, relaxing activities…Do I need to take a deep breath in and out a few times? yes.  Is my body tense in some areas? No. Do I need to stretch or do some yoga for a bit? yes but not going too because it’s too late.  Take my cbd oil? yes Drink a glass of water?  drinking one right now.  Wash my hands, again? no
  • Have I exercised or at least moved my body?  yes.
  • Have I gotten outside for some sunshine and fresh air? yes.
  • How are my delusions?  Today not so bad, not feeling very special which is great!
  • am I hearing voices or sounds?  nah, haven’t for many years except for the occasional humming in my ear.
  • Am I taking my medicine?  yes, just did, never miss a dose
  • have I gotten my favorite music in mainly Jason Mraz?  Yes and yes, found a new band, Music, travel, love.  Very relaxing…
  • Have I connected with God?  I ask this question last not least and my answer is yes but no messages, thank you God!

These are just some of my questions I ask myself.  So my answer about how I am doing is pretty good tonight.  Off to bed, meant to write about my crazy day but alas this came out instead.

God bless you all,

pax

Victoria

Strange times bring about needed change for me at least…

In these unprecedented times I go first to God and then I take action.  Today it was giving up something I love.

Many reasons for this denial but bottom line I am doing what I feel I ought.  And may God help me!

I rejoined AA and am working the steps in an unusual fashion.  I have been with the same sponsor for 6 years and have 2 days sober.  I wasn’t drinking a lot but when I did it was sneaky and fast to get the effect and alcoholic.  So I gave it up and now have in my routine to go to a zoom AA meeting every day at noon.

Anyways, this wise lady has been with me through thick and thin and we have worked the steps so many times in so many ways that we both had the idea to just do them free form.  Well she assigned me writing to do and I am going to do it here in case anybody else suffers from addiction as do I.

So here goes~

Why do I pick up that first drink that doesn’t satisfy?

First reason- anxiety, I get in the mood to party and get wasted and I think a beer or three will fix that.  I don’t like to get drunk but it feels good to be buzzed and forget the pain I feel right now for many reasons…

What can I do to solve this?  yoga helped today as did gardening and walking.  And writing is always therapeutic. Taking a bath is something I really enjoy and sniffing lavender when I am anxious can really help too.  I can also take my midday dose of goterpy which is full spectrum CBD oil.  Which I do happen to sell.

Second reason- boredom

Well I think we can all relate to this one at some level.  I’m tired of cleaning, cooking all the time and even get bored with myself.  Anxious and bored really doesn’t make a great mix I am sure you can imagine.  Going off the rails inside because I am so broken still at times and can’t think of one thing to do that interests me.

Solution-  I have taken up new hobbies!  Paint by number of a peacock and bought a guitar to learn to play!  Also if I get like this and I am at my worst fixing with alcohol or sugar I can look at my list I posted about a week ago.  Super baths, super naps, super everything i can read on my list.

The single thing that I think is really important is to not pick up that first drink or drug!   More meetings, writing and talking with people who understand addiction.

I can do this one day at a time, one moment, one nanosecond!

Praying for all of you in this difficult time.  Wishing and praying for a peaceful resolution to this pandemic!

Pax

Victoria

 

 

 

 

Once upon a time I was a happy little girl…

And then there is now!

I’m all grown up, fifty years old, wife and mother of three, proud daughter and lastly I name my disorder fully~

Schizoaffective Disorder paranoid type, with bipolar tendencies, ocd and anxiety.

Wow, sounds dramatic  but it is true.

I have been dxed since 2008 and started this blog in 2013.  I have taken breaks as needed.  Worked off and on, now on permanent disability using medicare.  Raised my children, even homeschooling them.

I have had several relapses into psychotic thinking and delusions of grandeur, mainly.  Latest delusion is that I am the cause of the Corona Virus.  Written 2 books on my relapses and what I do with my time now that I have so much of it.

And now that we are quarantined so much even more time than I know what to do with.  No visiting my parents, no store (rare), no eating out at a restaurant.

But staying busy at home with cleaning my entire home, walking 3-5 miles a day, spurts of yoga,  and some fun projects.  Made a desert collage the other day.  I also just ordered my first adult paint by numbers, a peacock.

Some reading, some Facebook, some check in with friends and family and lots of cooking!!! and eating with my small family.  Tonight hubbie is bbqing.

Delusions are still there…

sorry world

pax

victoria

 

Plan for the day, some new, some old…

Woke up this morning not having a clue what day it was.

Wow!  Time passes so weird, neither fast or slow but just this weird pace that I am not getting used to.

Yesterday was a very hard day for many reasons.  But I managed to exercise and felt better.  I was bored with myself, my music my sad existence.

But today I am inspired to look at things differently.  Today I looked up an old band (10000 maniacs) which spoke to me many years ago and still does today.  It reminds me of a dear friend named Terri who I used to hang out with and lost touch.  We used to listen to this band on our many adventures…

I will share my fondest memory.   It was me, my future hubbie and Terri and we went into a busy Jewish restaurant. in Hollywood.  Can’t remember the name but the best matzo ball soup!!!  We walked into the front and Terri just collapses on the floor as a joke.  Everyone was so worried and the mater de was freaking out.  My husband who is much more conservative than us was in shock.  It was hilarious!!!!  I love you Terri where ever you are today if you are still alive.

Anyway, one of the songs I enjoy is called “The Painted Desert”.  I love New Mexico and have driven through the painted desert on more than one occasion .  It just goes and goes and is so peaceful, un-moving and beautiful.

So I found an image of New Mexico Painted Desert and printed it and am making a desert collage.  I love the desert.  Last year me and my daughter went to Joshua Tree and had such a peaceful and wonderful time.  I could live there.  I love the desert heat and could just imagine myself in self quarantine there instead of here where it is cold and unimaginative.

But I would never leave my children to go be a hermit.  But if things continue as they are going it might be an option.

Wondering if this country and world will ever go back to normal.

Today I am also working out and have a phone meeting with my grief therapist.  So for now the collage must wait.  The fun part of making collages is that you can take things from your past, and from the internet.  All you need is a printer.  But you can also use old post cards.  And if you are an artist can draw your theme.

Since my theme is the desert it will surely have a Joshua Tree on it.  Not sure what else.  Must go get dressed and take my supplements…

Will share a pic of my collage when it is done.

God bless and be safe.

and as my husband advised last night, “Carpe Diem”.  Seize the day.

pax

Victoria

 

What is the delusion?

Ok, I am willing to share this deep secret that I have only told some random therapist about.

I believe I am the cause of the Coronavirus!

God gave me a sign a week before to stop vaping.  Very clear and one other person witnessed the message to me.  And then in a song God confirmed his will

The messages have been clear and timely to what I am thinking about.

So do I quit?  No!  I tried and went crazy.

So I am sorry world.

Part of me knows that the world does not revolve around me.  But this delusion persists and there is nothing I can do about it.

I feel so guilty.

God gave me the gift of Schizophrenia in 2006 and I had no idea then what i know now.  I am on medication but the main delusion at the time of 2006-2008 and off an on since is that I am the most special person to ever live.

Well this delusion that I am causing the virus as some sort of punishment for my disobedience is a lot to handle.  Wondering if I should share it with my psychiatrist in a couple of weeks.

I don’t let it affect my every day life though, just have my moments of regret and justification.

Delusions can be so deep and I haven’t seen any more signs as of late but the world isn’t getting better and here I sit vaping…

Today was hard, I was bored with myself, my music, my life but not my dog.  Dressed her in a red bandanna left over from the large pack I bought for masks.  But instead today drove an hour each way to pick up some nice ones a kind lady made that I met on FB. Was with my son so got in some new music.

But seriously people I need some ideas   I will search my own mind.  It has failed me before but now I am desperate to find a better way to spend my days while in self isolation with my hubbie, and two adult kids.

Did take a walk with my pup which helped.  Sun and wind in the same short walk.  Haven’t felt much like exercising as of late.  But know I must for my mental health.  Must, must , must.  It is not an option no it is a prescription for me from me.  Exercise to feel better even if I don’t feel like it!

Off to walk a little, wait, need to eat dinner first.  Miss a meal, not I!

pax

Victoria

Hard day but fighting still…

It’s late…I’m relaxing with earbuds and kroq playing loud. A station I have loved for 30 plus years. Alternative music with spurts of weirdness and sometimes offensive… I just ignore those brief comments.

But anyway they are a great positive station that has a great vibe and uplifting messages throughout the music. Love chilling with them.

On to my day… it sucked. Covid stuff. Afraid of germs so much and that my husband who went back to work Tuesday might catch the virus and bring it home.

I read today that fear and hope cannot exist at the same time so choose one! I choose hope, hope that the world 🌎 will return to normal or at least a new normal one day..

Tomorrow will share my most recent delusion. It’s crazy so I hope you check back tomorrow but I’m tired 😓

Good night and God bless!

Pax

Victoria

Warning~Religious post with no apologies…

Jesus died for us, plain and simple, He rose from the dead in expiation of our sins and lives today at the right hand of the father, filled with love and mercy for us all.  All we have to do is ask Him in and He will graciously accept!

Even though we may be disordered or know a loved one with a disorder God loves us all the more.  he knows all our sufferings and difficulties and knows the deepest thoughts of our estranged at times minds.

I wish I could write in Spanish… just pondering these thoughts today on another day in physical distancing mode.

To keep busy I have been doing the mundane and even brushed my dogs and brushed their teeth!  Gave them extra treats because I am rationing their dog food until it is safe to go out and buy it.

May order some on line but I like to get a good kind and I’ll have to look that up but for now I am good with spoiling them with extra treats.

Back to Jesus.  If you are despairing right now or are unsure if you believe in God or heaven or anything say this simple prayer and watch the Holy Spirit work wonders in your life.

“Jesus, I ask you into my heart.  I love you and thank you for loving me.  Please send the Holy Spirit to guide me and all my loved ones and the whole world right now when the devil is happy we are apart. ”

Solidarity is unity through Jesus!!!

But the devil won’t be happy if we pray this prayer.  Say amen and really mean it and your life will change.  And if you already have done this, can I get an Amen and a prayer for all of those who really need a prayer right now even if they are not yet ready to accept Jesus into their life.

God bless

pax

Victoria