It’s a grave new world…

I don’t want to cause further panic in an already much talked about subject but it is a world of which I could never imagine.  People are dying, people are shut in, people are oblivious.

I think about it a lot, can’t help it really with all the ways it is affecting us all.  But I am coping well and getting through it by getting my exercise in every day, eating healthy and today had my first tele-video with my psychiatrist.

It went well and although I didn’t share with him that I am having partial delusions that I am causing the terrible spread of this virus by not being in God’s will that’s ok because I don’t really deep down believe it but there have been some signs of God’s displeasure  of some of my unhealthy habits.  But to think and believe even partially that I am the cause of the terrible state of things is a huge burden to carry.

Haven’t shared it with anyone but am sharing it on here because this is a safe place and hell I have Schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder so I am allowed to believe these things which seem so improbable and unlikely. I did try giving up these things God has said He doesn’t want me to do and there was little change in the state of the world so we shall see.

Sorry to be so vague but many would judge me for these actions so will keep them to myself for the time being.

Exercise and staying busy is my number one suggestion for anyone struggling with mental health right now.  Wash 5 dishes, walk for ten minutes around the house if needed, stretch, do yoga (Adrienne on You tube is fantastic) as is Leslie Sansone’s walking videos also on Youtube!

Anything to get the body moving and of course have some fun.  We have been eating together much of the day.  I live at home with my husband, myself, and two adult children one of which works at home, and the other one just got word he is being fired and is so happy about it!

Amazing how things change in an instant and it is also amazing how we are making COVID memories right now.

There is a song by Maroon 5 called Memories and it is still speaking to me when I want to take a break from my routine and listen to something meaningful.  The guy is hot too but I’m married but can admire from afar a fine specimen of a man with tattoos and the greatest voice.

Well those are my musings of the day.

Stay at peace my friends and stay connected.  You can always email me at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com if you want to know more about my journey or have any comments on my blogs.

Pax

Victoria

#Jesusistheway

 

 

Writing to pass the time…

So here I sit…

Actually been active today.  Took my dog for a long walk and got to witness families spending time together outside on this cold yet sunny day here in California.  It is kind of sad that it takes a global crisis to get families out and together.  But was nice to see.  Some houses were quiet, some people were fearful keeping their distance, some didn’t care, some crossed the street and me just taking it all in going with the flow…

I go with the flow a lot, my moods are up and down but right now I am mellow and at a good place physically, emotionally and spiritually.  I have Memories by Maroon 5 on loop.  Don’t know why but this song speaks to my soul right now…

Wishing for normalcy right now but feel like this is the new normal and may be for a while…

Life is weird.  One minute you are cruising along and everything seems to be alright and then bam a huge change like this…

These are my musings today.  Wishing you all peace and love in your hearts and homes as we see what the next day brings.

pax

Victoria

Final part 7 of my schizophrenia love journey…

So here I sit! Wanting the world 🌎 to know that I am ok and so are you!

It’s ok to have a mental disorder that causes me to not be ok at times.

I don’t particularly like people knowing that I’m not ok at times but it is the truth. I am not ashamed but proud of all I accomplish in a day most days.

But the moments I am not ok I have to figure something out! Long baths help as does my cbd oil and other things!

The secret to happiness I read is kind deeds and hot baths so away I go to soak and relax.

I will be blogging again soon to keep the momentum going. I didn’t realize how much I missed it.

Feel free to email me any suggestions or comments on things that help you or your loved ones when not ok!

Victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

Pax

Victoria

The facade…

I am not ok right now.  I am safe and not suicidal but finding it hard to leave my house past couple of days.  But I put on a brave face for all to see, the facade that I am fine when I am not.  I want to scream sometimes but sing or hum instead of scaring people.

Not sure where my Schizophrenia or Schizoaffective Disorder comes into play but the fact that I cannot work or take a volunteer position really messes with my head  Distractions are welcome to take my mind off of my mad existence.  yesterday it was beer and rocky road ice cream. ha ha the secret it out.

Today I am fighting with myself to get sh*& done.  I feel better about my life when I get things done.

Took a little break from my series of my love journey with schizophrenia.  But this is still some how related.  What does one do when motivation is wanting and simple things not being where they are supposed to be are not there.

I will not give up.  My parents are proof of that and my good example to follow these days.  The word I find continuing to follow me in this new year is adaptability.  One must be adaptable when one is in trouble.

I have several health issues troubling me right now and although I am seeing doctors and my therapist, it is causing some worry.  But I will push on.

What has really helped me is taking Goterpy a unique cbd oil that I take three times a day for my Schizophrenia, pain and depression.  It has changed my life in many ways.  I am selling it now, 250 mg for $30 plus shipping.  It is an added expense because although it helps with the symptoms, often it is that I have to keep taking it to get the results I desire.  If I miss a dose I notice it pretty quick.  Off I go to take my midday dose.

If you are interested in buying some or have any comments on my blog feel free to email me at ~ victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

Pax

Victoria

Part 3 of my schizophrenia love journey…

So not feeling extra special when I look back at my life. Nothing heroic all very mundane but with a few moments of confusion and unexplainable happenings…

The year I received the gift of schizophrenia my world 🌎 lifted me so high on life receiving messages from above which still happens from time to time. And then the meds stopped the dialogue that was pretty constant and confusing.

But when God wants his will done in me who am I to refuse?

Today is the type of day when I will force myself to get sh$& done!

Just gonna do it because yesterday was a shitty day I don’t want to repeat!

I found out the other day I still have the gift of healing which I only use when God directs me…

So here I am still fighting each and every day I am alive. Today it’s in the garden I will work ☺️

Hoping all of you have a blessed day ❤️

Pax

Victoria

Part One~ Interesting facts on my Schizophrenia love journey…

None of this is made up.  My memory serves me well when I remember things due to my creativity.  I forget boring things most the time.  You let me know will you please if this is all very weird?  I am not delusional right now for some time now due to the CBD oil I take called Goterpy which I am selling now.  So many benefits but will skip for now as I want to share  the all very odd occurrences since my birth.

  • Born in 1969, first year with man on the moon to celebrate my coming into this world. ok maybe I still am delusional to some extent ha ha.  Anyway the first few years of my life were happy.  Until…
  • Can’t say for sure when or why the turn occurred.  But my earliest moments of oddities were at age 5 bilocating by floating down the hall at the top of the ceiling at night to observe my parents as they watched tv in the family room.
  • No fear then and no real fear now as I face my most difficult time ever but am doing it all very well.
  • My dad is my heart and soul and that is all I shall say about him.  When he finally dies and gets to go home to our Precious Lord Jesus I will die inside and hope it doesn’t cause me backtracking of my disorder…

At times I am very detached from things in this world.  But I am never detached from God…

end of part one

part two on how I thought everyone experienced strange occurrences as a child… coming soon!

pax

Victoria

Part One~ Interesting facts on my Schizophrenia love journey…

None of this is made up.  My memory serves me well when I remember things due to my creativity.  I forget boring things most the time.  You let me know will you please if this is all very weird?  I am not delusional right now for some time now due to the CBD oil I take called Goterpy which I am selling now.  So many benefits but will skip for now as I want to share  the all very odd occurrences since my birth.

  • Born in 1969, first year with man on the moon to celebrate my coming into this world. ok maybe I still am delusional to some extent ha ha.  Anyway the first few years of my life were happy.  Until…
  • Can’t say for sure when or why the turn occurred.  But my earliest moments of oddities were at age 5 bilocating by floating down the hall at the top of the ceiling at night to observe my parents as they watched tv in the family room.
  • No fear then and no real fear now as I face my most difficult time ever but am doing it all very well.
  • My dad is my heart and soul and that is all I shall say about him.  When he finally dies and gets to go home to our Precious Lord Jesus I will die inside and hope it doesn’t cause me backtracking of my disorder…

At times I am very detached from things in this world.  But I am never detached from God…

end of part one

part two on how I thought everyone experienced strange occurrences as a child… coming soon!

pax

Victoria

Checking in sorry not as promised…

Dear readers,

I don’t blog much these days but life has been crazy.

I am learning what works for me, what motivates me and how to deal with some difficult emotions found around those I love, tears, smiles and a lot more.  But for the most part I am doing really well despite this difficult diagnosis.

Some of the things I do to stay well is to every day do the following:

Deep breaths

prayer

read my bible

self care

garden (ok not every day)

Keep my house up

take care of my doggies

take care of the bills, taxes, cars, houses and paperwork

read inspirational books and articles or watch Tedtalks

exercise several times a week (yoga, walking, cleaning house, and going to start interval running.

and last but not least I listen to inspirational music mainly Jason Mraz (ok I am obsessed with him and his music ha ha)

Life is pretty good right now except for some minor anxiety.  I also take a few supplements NAC, CBD oil full spectrum (because of taking this oil I am no longer delusional) and magnesium.  I also take my anti-psychotic meds every day no matter how I feel.

I don’t feel the need to blog as much as I used to because the delusions are gone.  Come to find out the book I wrote I was delusional while writing it.  When I reread it (which is rare) I find that I don’t remember even writing it.  I remember my delusions and although I am free of them it’s nice to be free!

Hope all of you are doing well!

Prayers,

pax

Victoria

 

Stress brought on new relapse, going to start Clozapine Monday!

Hello to all!

Stress, as I have written about before, is my biggest enemy with this disorder.  This time it was helping a family member that caused me to relapse into a world of my own.  Oh I look fine on the outside except I am dressed very warm because I am need the warmth right now.

So I went to see my psychiatrist last week and I asked if we could try Clozapine.  He said, “oh the big gun”.  I never knew it was called that.  I wonder why he didn’t try it before after all here I am and I can’t even hold down a job.  But after all the rigmarole I understand now why he did not prescribe it sooner.

First you have to do bloodwork every week for a period and then biweekly and then I believe monthly.  They have to monitor my white blood count to make sure it doesn’t go too low.  So I did that the next day.  Then I go to the pharmacy and they didn’t have it in stock so they sent it to another pharmacy I have never dealt with and they shall be nameless but their service is less to be desired than my regular pharmacy Walmart.

So I am working with my pharmacy and they say I have to be in some registry for this special drug… I had to wait for my busy doctor to enroll me and by the time he did it was too late to get my medicine on Friday and they won’t update the registry until Monday so Monday it is.

I am staying close to home, trying to use my coping skills right now because I feel so unwell.  I have had to disclose my disorder to a few people since I had to stop helping this family member who needs a lot of help and attention.  I had to step back due to her negativity.

I am surrounding myself with positive people and vaping my cbd oil which has helped in the past and helped me to get these thoughts out on here in my safe blog.  I am listening to my fave music, Jason Mraz, who is so amazing.

My son and daughter have also been here with me every step, believing in me and supporting me.  My husband doesn’t get it but is being as understanding as he can be.

I haven’t visited my dad since Monday but may go tomorrow if I feel up to it.  I’m taking it easy right now, being very gentle with myself and trying to stay positive.  I have heard great things about this medicine so I have hope that next week may bring some needed relief.

Pax

Victoria

CBD oil for Schizophrenia

I have been vaping pure CBD oil for about a month now and have noticed significant changes in my symptoms.  The messages from God have ceased to a great degree and although the delusions come and go they are mostly not believed thanks to many proofs.  CBD oil not only helps with the positive symptoms but also the negative one.  It gets me moving and helps me to be more creative too!

My cousin has done significant research on its usage and correlation of helping people with Schizophrenia so I tried it and noticed a huge change although I am still taking my antipsychotic medication and probably never will stop!

Going to mention it to my pdoc next visit as last time I saw him I was receiving many messages from God and he was mildly concerned and wanted to see me sooner than usual.  He’ll be glad things are back to normal well whatever that is anyway ha ha.

I have many projects I am working on right now, planting a lemon tree, sanding and painting the cabinets which is taking forever and eventually painting both bathrooms cream.

Well hope you are  all doing well.  I am still making collages and have begun personalizing them:)

Happy Labor Day 2017!

Pax

Victoria