True story of the day and upcoming guest article on what to do when a loved one is suicidal…

Even though I am not at my best physically or mentally I have the energy and desire this morning here in California to blog and get you all excited about a guest blogger article I will be posting as soon as I work out some kinks with the format. I love it when kind people reach out to me to write for free about something to do with mental health and sometimes it takes a while to get it published but please follow me if you are interested in this topic, what to do when a loved one is suicidal.

I’ve been suicidal many times in my life and have also been on the helping end with a loved one who is suicidal and this guest article really talks about some important things to do and not to do when someone is struggling with suicidal ideation. So stay tuned!

On to the true story of the day! I couldn’t make this s#$t up! This is about a story of my interesting life that dates back to circa 1988 when I was living on the streets of New York City choosing homelessness over a nice warm bed at my parents’ house in California. I will start at the ending because it is the best part, honoring my late father’s memory, which I just found out about from my mom a lie he told me to get me off the streets of New York City and safely back home into recovery from drug addiction.

Winter time, freezing cold, chosen homelessness, illegal drugs constant (which I won’t get into to not glorify my drug addiction back when I was 18), punk rock scene, 14 year old runaway named Carrie dying in a fire at the squat we lived in where a rival gang set it on fire and she died in the fire, desperation, broken, suicidal but the only plan I had to kill myself was to go out in a bang with drugs and activities never to be mentioned even here where I am anonymously blogging.

It was a freezing day and I decided to call home from a payphone booth on a corner where I would frequently panhandle to get my drugs of the day and maybe a slice of pizza. My dad answered. I was out of money and desperation was in my voice. I asked him if I could come home. They loved me so much and I put them through hell with my choices from age 16 to party hard and lie and steal. I was not to be trusted. My dad arranged for a flight home, the next flight available and told me the flight was non-refundable. Finding out later that this was a lie and my only chance from them. If I didn’t get on this flight, they would not trust me again and as usual used tough love they learned in classes for how to deal with loved ones who suffered from drug addiction. This was the lie though that saved my life and I am eternally grateful to my dad for telling it.

Somehow, by some miracle I got to the airport in New Jersey, through a snowstorm, late, running through the airport, lying to security that my bus had crashed so they would push me through without a wait so I could make it on that flight. I barely made it on that flight. Flying home was terrible, I had a hole in my nose, frostbite on my hands and feet, a desperate will to live by the grace of God, who kept me safe this whole time. I was a proclaimed atheist spewing my nonsense to others who would listen. Yet protected by God through the insanity of actions even though I had no belief despite being raised to believe in God.

I was a wreck to say the least and the last thing I wanted was to admit defeat to my parents who were loving but very strict and controlling which led to my rebellion. The plane landed in California and I was one of the last to get off it. I found out just the other day from my mom that they were waiting in anticipation but with doubt if I had even gotten on the plane. How I feel for them now the hell I put them through back then. But I got off and all I remember was the silent drive home.

They had their terms or conditions I had to follow one of which was to go into a drug rehab program called Kaiser. I did reluctantly because I was still in denial over my drug use. It was there that I was introduced to the 12 step programs and it was in them that I finally found God and believed for the first time in my life that there was a power greater than myself that could restore me to sanity.

Stay tuned for part two of this true story. But bottom line is that even though I have only 6 months today off off weed, the good news is that I am finally addressing why I used drugs to cope with life through the steps with a trusted sponsor and the best part is that I am being honest about my life and love and thank my Higher Power for all my life, the good, bad and the ugly. For without hardship there is no glory.

Peace to you all!

If you are struggling today with drug addiction, know there is hope for you, even if you have relapsed. There is always hope until we draw our last breath and I’m not done breathing yet. Haha. Let’s see now how my God will help me through thee next 50 years. I can’t wait for more will be revealed.

Peace, love light and joy

Michelle aka Victoria

Out of my hands 🙌🏻

Aahhh! Life is so strange often…

But I’m doing the best with all that is on my plate as my dad would say quite often… I like quoting him. He had great wisdom. Thanks dad!

While I recover from my recent psychotic episode and deal with thyroid issues I have more time on my hands and feel inclined to blog.

Upcoming is a guest article on how to help someone who is suicidal, it’s wonderful and well written and will be posting it soon. Also I am going to be sharing more stories of my crazy teenage life and how a lie from my dad when I was living on the streets of New York City circa 1988 saved my life from drug addiction! I just found out about the lie he told from my mom! Thanks mom♥️

This blog is going in a different direction I feel inclined to write about addiction and recovery because that’s where I’m at. And that’s what I’ve always done since starting this blog in 2013!

I just celebrated 6 months off weed and 7 months off alcohol! A miracle from God or my Higher Power I prefer the term nowadays. Life is much better off the drugs for sure.

Peace love and light to all ♥️

Michelle aka Victoria

Late night musings…

It’s late and today was another good solid day of work, relaxation and everything in between.. I am no longer getting the brain mapping done. I shall explain below.

I am decidedly a much happier person no longer vaping nicotine or weed or drinking any alcohol. I am now working on my diet, not going on a diet, those don’t work, but eating when I am hungry whole plant -based foods 99% of the time. When I need to be sociable, I will eat meat or fish and have small amounts of cheese but no processed foods or sugar for this gal…

It’s amazing but it is so true that when the student is ready the teacher will come. My teacher was in the form of the passed on Allen Carr may his soul rest in peace, who wrote all the books that have unanimously helped me to understand and overcome addiction.

For instance it is a myth that we have addictive personalities. I always used this as an excuse for my using and drinking among other vices, but no more… I used to be addicted to those things but no more, I have been set free and I am elated as he promises in his books.

Here is my list of books I listened to on audible and the progression of what the last week looked like for me. It’s kind of really hilarious when I think of it but hey much progress in short time.

Allen Carr is the author of all these books

  1. Easyway to stop smoking (including vaping)- I was terrified to give up this addiction but I learned from this book that the myth that quitting is hard is really just that a myth. I read about this book but was skeptical but finally gave it a listen and he encourages one to smoke or vape during reading or listening to the book so there are no distractions. He also says to be successful one has to follow all the instructions which I did and even though once I realized that all that vaping was doing was giving me a head rush and causing me much anxiety and didn’t even want that final vape, I did it and gladly dumped all my vaping paraphernalia in the trash outside. FREEDOM. It was easy and all I had to do when I had a craving was to really embrace that I no longer do that and that it was a sign that my mortal enemy was dying, the little monster, the vape and the big monster is my head which is utterly convinced I will never pick up again. I had quit alcohol Feb 14th, got awesome news that changed my life, and knew I had to do this for myself… quit weed soon after and then quit vaping 3 days later. Not a miracle, just followed his instructions to a t.
  2. Easy way to control your drinking- surprise ending but no longer have any desire to put that toxin in my body but if I want a drink I can, I just don’t want to anymore he he.
  3. Easy way to lose weight, Easy way for women to lose weight and today just finished Good Sugar Bad Sugar which I probably should of started with. I had my final meal of my favorite pizza and a pepsi and made my solemn vow to never eat junk again. I will share more on this in a week or so after implementing the necessary changes to the way I eat!
  4. Easy way to mindfulness- this audible book is helping me to now stay in the present moment more calmly. Not quite finished with it but it’s there whenever I need more inspiration!

So that has been my week. 30 hours of listening on my phone to one of the most easy to understand authors and follow along taking notes when needed. Today if someone asked me that silly question if you could spend one hour on a park bench with one person from history it would be Allen Carr! Email me if you want a free audible book on any of the ones I wrote about. It’s free and would love for my readers to benefit too especially if one cannot afford to purchase the books.

That’s all tonight. Tomorrow starts my work again writing the 7 Ebooks. Please if you have any suggestions on any of the topics I wrote about originally mental health and …… or helpful ways you have overcome addiction or any other mental health related topic please email me at: victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com and thank you to all who have already shared their favorite tips of coping during this pandemic. I can share your name or anonymously if one prefers. But excited to get started in the morning after my breakfast of fruit…

Oh and that brain mapping I was going to do with neurofeedback? Saved me thousands!!! God is good!

peace, love, light and joy

Victoria

Strange times bring about needed change for me at least…

In these unprecedented times I go first to God and then I take action.  Today it was giving up something I love.

Many reasons for this denial but bottom line I am doing what I feel I ought.  And may God help me!

I rejoined AA and am working the steps in an unusual fashion.  I have been with the same sponsor for 6 years and have 2 days sober.  I wasn’t drinking a lot but when I did it was sneaky and fast to get the effect and alcoholic.  So I gave it up and now have in my routine to go to a zoom AA meeting every day at noon.

Anyways, this wise lady has been with me through thick and thin and we have worked the steps so many times in so many ways that we both had the idea to just do them free form.  Well she assigned me writing to do and I am going to do it here in case anybody else suffers from addiction as do I.

So here goes~

Why do I pick up that first drink that doesn’t satisfy?

First reason- anxiety, I get in the mood to party and get wasted and I think a beer or three will fix that.  I don’t like to get drunk but it feels good to be buzzed and forget the pain I feel right now for many reasons…

What can I do to solve this?  yoga helped today as did gardening and walking.  And writing is always therapeutic. Taking a bath is something I really enjoy and sniffing lavender when I am anxious can really help too.  I can also take my midday dose of goterpy which is full spectrum CBD oil.  Which I do happen to sell.

Second reason- boredom

Well I think we can all relate to this one at some level.  I’m tired of cleaning, cooking all the time and even get bored with myself.  Anxious and bored really doesn’t make a great mix I am sure you can imagine.  Going off the rails inside because I am so broken still at times and can’t think of one thing to do that interests me.

Solution-  I have taken up new hobbies!  Paint by number of a peacock and bought a guitar to learn to play!  Also if I get like this and I am at my worst fixing with alcohol or sugar I can look at my list I posted about a week ago.  Super baths, super naps, super everything i can read on my list.

The single thing that I think is really important is to not pick up that first drink or drug!   More meetings, writing and talking with people who understand addiction.

I can do this one day at a time, one moment, one nanosecond!

Praying for all of you in this difficult time.  Wishing and praying for a peaceful resolution to this pandemic!

Pax

Victoria

 

 

 

 

i’MPOSSIBLE Project book pre-order available

I am proud to say I am a part of this book and after reading it can highly recommend it to anyone with a disorder, a loved one or anyone interested in mental health.  Josh Rivedal has done an excellent job putting this book together and his passion for finding people with compelling stories shines on every page.  See pre-order details below.

Changing Minds, Breaking Stigma, Achieving the Impossible

Volume 2 in The i’Mpossible Series

Overview

Storytelling is one of our oldest and greatest human achievements. Stories can enchant, empower, inspire, motivate, and even change the course of humankind. Volume 2 of the i’Mpossible Project–Changing Minds, Breaking Stigma, Achieving the Impossible, offers another 50 life-changing stories These are true tales from real people who have achieved incredible feats in the face of overwhelming odds, showing that impossible is just a state of mind—and that anything is possible. You’ll read about: an entrepreneur using his battle with alcohol abuse to empower others; an award winning high school student who battled bullying, self-harm, and an eating disorder to become her best self; and an actor who calls his depression “my frenemy Dewayne.” If you’re looking to turn “impossible” into “possible” in your world… you need to read this book!

to pre-order go to:  http://www.iampossibleproject.com/preorder/

Pax

Victoria