After meeting with my therapist today I have more hope that I will do better in the future. I have not been doing great, even not working, although this last week was pretty good minus getting hurt the other day. I have blogged this and feel like I have lost a few followers sharing how I still have bad days when I feel very unwell.
I don’t mind losing followers if my blogs don’t resonate anymore. When I was doing well I got lots of likes but now that I am struggling again not so… I am just very honest how I am doing and will continue to blog even if no one reads my blogs or likes or comments on it. I do this selfishly, it helps me to get it out. And I like to think that my blogs do help others who are not doing so well too although they may be quiet on the comments.
This is a serious disorder. I can’t even get life insurance easily because of it or it is very expensive my broker has told me recently. This is nothing to joke about. Having Schizoaffective Disorder means I can’t work outside the home, means stress is my worst enemy, means socially I feel like an outcast most of the time and so much more.
But I don’t give up the fight and today’s session meant more to me than a whole lot of talking with various people about nothing. I believe my therapist gets me and my disorder which is great and was worth the wait recently to know if I will be able to see him or not.
Today was great because I came to terms with how God made me. I am extremely sensitive and take criticism very negatively of any sort. In the past I have seen this as a great defect but today my therapist helped me to realize something. That it is because I am sensitive I am the glue that holds my family together. I will try to remember how it was said. Forgive me if I don’t share it perfectly but it went something like this…
Therapist: So you want to be less sensitive?
Me: Yes
Therapist: That would mean you would be have to be harder
Me: Then I don’t want to be less sensitive. Inside I scream to myself that I don’t ever want to be harder like others who don’t show compassion….
So I’m stuck and stuck I like today. Because I am sensitive I help my folks a lot, I help my family, I help myself. I happen to have a lot of time to myself and I really need it, to pray, to reflect, to veg out for a little while before I get busy with the business of helping my parents.
I also read part of a Buddhist book recently prior to my appointment that really made sense and goes along with what I learned from my therapist today. All the craziness (or insert whatever you are that you don’t like about yourself) makes you who you are so don’t wish it away.
Instead I will embrace it. And no longer feel bad when my sensitivity bothers me. But it will take a while to get used to because I have hated it for so long.
I often laugh at myself. Laugh or cry I say, I choose to laugh and not take anything too seriously even having this disorder.
Pax
Victoria
