Passively suicidal at a thought of life without…

What is the one thing you cannot do without? It used to be coffee and vaping nicotine but now it is weed. The thought of living without it makes me want to rather be dead than alive. Rejection, loss, sadness, fear, isolation, rejection from one person who understands me. Is it addiction or rather just a way to feel normal? To relieve stress and relax?

Nothing’s going to stop me but divine intervention.

I get a lot done in a day. Today wasted 2.5 hours on a program to quit weed. Didn’t work. Why do I think so much about quitting? Would you all really like to know? Rather I title this blog as “God told me to quit 3 times” and try to understand why now even though I don’t believe it does me harm in any way except when I think of quitting. I shall gladly share if even one person likes this post…

peace love light and joy

victoria

I am obsessed with inner work…

I don’t know what to make of it but I am obsessed with shadow work and inner child although my inner child refused a conference with me.

I am so sensitive but today make progress talking to not only my brother and text with sister but also my mother and uncle. I am so good right now. I feel so loved and I love so deeply all in my family and all of you.

I am deeply honored to be a part of your journey whatever that may be whether you worship Buddha or the saints or whatever it is that you think of in times of need and God bless you for whatever you have found, whatever resonates with you. I am at peace.

Later…

I am sad thinking about my visit today with my dad. I love him so much as he is my heart and soul and to hold his hands even with gloves on was so so so nice… Today’s moments are the elixir to my existence so I am going back next week.

Will just enjoy being with him and not worry about calling others except for my mom. She will be happy to do that type of call I am hoping. I aim to please my parents still so much. They instilled in me a sense of right and wrong and with that I carry out my existence.

Obsessed with shadow work and also death lately. Just thinking about how I will die and with who. Is that morbid?? I think not but rather just small details for when we die we shall be with God and no longer suffer the way we suffer now in this present life.

Godspeed…

pax

Victoria

p.s. any fellow 420er’s out there in this blog?

Throwing out a life line…

I don’t usually ask for help but tonight feeling like I need to ask the Universe for help.

I am not doing well. Struggling with a vice I thought I had a handle on but not sure how I feel about that really. I will intentionally be vague because it is a sensitive topic in the brain disorder world but it has to do with 420.

It messes with me sometimes and other times it is really great.

Today I find myself with a clean kitchen, fed pups and me, things done despite my confused mood, practiced yoga, deep breathing, texting my daughter, reached out to others who were busy, trying to not let my happiness depend on others but its hard.

asking for prayers, positive thoughts and vibes!

I am tired, full and going to take a bath to further relax.

Sundays are so hard for me because I don’t do any work and find myself bored but hey at least im not psychotic!

Praying for better days,

pax

Victoria