It’s Ok To Have A Bad Day — Dr. Eric Perry

Written by Dr. Eric Perry Image Credit: Pixabay “Bad times have a scientific value. These are occasions a good learner would not miss.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson I believe in maintaining a positive attitude in my life. But I also acknowledge that life is not perfect. It is impossible to live your life in an inexhaustible […]

It’s Ok To Have A Bad Day — Dr. Eric Perry

Some days..

Are harder than others and some I glide through with great grace and dignity. Today is not one of those easy days.

Not feeling well and much to do despite working hard all week. Some or most rather was stressful. I have taken on a lot and have much more yet to do. Won’t bore with details.

Have decided it’s ok to have a chill day!

So chilling I go!

Pax

Victoria

This is me…

I am enough, more than enough; I do not need to dwell on my past experiences to solve them. Sorry AA but inventorying life just doesn’t serve me anymore.

I use crystals’ energy now, garden, cook, clean, tidy (there is a difference), connect with family, friends and strangers who you never know who will become a good friend. I also take my meds and supplements every single bingle day.

This is me…

I don’t feel I need therapy anymore except my free grief one working through anticipatory grief around my dad’s declining health. But he turns 83 next month! I love him so much and dedicate this blog to his health, physical, mental and spiritual.

I love my mom too and am so glad I still have her in my life although she still drives me crazy at times haha. Will really miss them both when they are gone. sad face:(

I try to use my time wisely so will keep this brief.

I have a mental health disorder and am doing pretty damn good. I am enough. I embrace my shadows and am no longer afraid for what the future may hold…

This year has changed so much.

My heart is heavy tonight.

This is me…

it comes and goes this heaviness

for the world.

pax

Victoria

Psychotic episode from 2007…

Things were intensifying. Many messages and late nights feeling the heavy presence of God. No drugs, no alcohol, but some stress of my grandma’s passing may have induced schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder. Dx’ed in 2008.

Things other people take for granted became next to impossible like going to the store. Visits from God at these times or my disorder in full psychotic state, not sure really but it was pretty cool except for the time when~

I was walking down the spice packet aisle at my local grocery store and suddenly the command came to buy one of each. I ignored it at first but suddenly I found myself melting to the store if I did not do this weird thing. I hate to ever cause a scene so after several attempts to ignore what I thought to be God testing my obedience, I did it. I felt the paralyzing of my limbs when I tried to ignore the strong inner command.

$200 later I was leaving the store with bags of spice packets half of which I gave to a friend who I believed had shared psychotic disorder. Paralyzing, commands and testing are not of God I believe. I know now it was this dastard bleeping disorder. And luckily enough, do not have psychotic experiences since started taking goterpy cbd oil full spectrum the past few years.

I voluntarily entered UCLA in January of 2008 and the minute I started taking anti-psychotics meds the symptoms began to cease. The messages stopped mostly. God does break through at times in important things such as certain friendships and others I get the green light.

I must now release these terrible memories and do some cord cutting with my quartz crystal tonight, when the house is quiet…

Wishing you all recovery, peace and love

pax

Victoria

Empty space~and a question for my readers

Empty space in my aura today

freed myself of negative thought patterns

using a crystal

Don’t know what to replace it with

more mantras

historical information

the possibilities are endless

feeling good this Sunday but a little bit lost without my negative thoughts script that I have been playing in my mind for years. I never meant to harm anyone, especially myself. I have been hurting myself by holding on to them and didn’t know how to release them. Much to be learned still but crystal magick had its day today in my home.

Wondering if anyone is interested in reading about my psychotic moments? Thinking about blogging about them so probably will anyway but I love my reader’s feedback so let me know in the comments, or like this post or send me an email if this is something that interests you at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

These strange experiences are a part of me and sharing them will help to dissipate their power. I was out of control in a very controlled way. From buying one of every spice packet at the store to believing that the wind was because God was angry at my priest.

Blessing to all

pax

Victoria

Wishing for a different life tonight…

I am very blessed but have been really stressed lately with internal struggles. I got sick (not covid) and it knocked me on my ass. Been struggling to get motivation back to get back in the good groove I was in and have a plan which is the way I start.

Usually I would give in to this feeling of wanting a different life and run away. But there is no where for me to run to because I would just be there anyway and much of my struggles are within still.

I fight with myself constantly at times, to embrace my character defects, my insecurities, my feeling of not being ok. It is tiring tonight. But had an amazing date with my husband at a restaurant on the beach and even though smoke and fog conditions prevented us from seeing the ocean, my husband could hear it and I know it’s there, just like I rarely forget that God is with me all the time too. It was delicious food and good conversation with my hubbie.

Still feeling screwed up currently partly due to my relapse on alcohol the other day. I think it messed with my meds so must really steer clear from alcohol which for me is pure evil. Others can imbibe and have fun but it isn’t fun for me. This is progress recognizing it, and I am not saying I will never drink again. But just one and very rare.

Feeling screwed up because mentally I am just not content. My schizophrenia/scizoaffective disorder is always there waiting for a misstep and something like getting sick, and the ramifications of the current state of our country is overwhelming at times. I like to joke about it but seriously it isn’t funny at all. It’s scary. Talking about Marshall law in November!

How can 2020 get any worse I ask myself and then it does. Is this the end times? I am prepared if so but worry about others in a sad state of evil.

Sorry for depressing post but it is where I am at. I promised when I started this blog in 2013 that I would share the good and the bad. So I withdraw my apology.

I quite frankly think it is pretty amazing that I can go to dinner with my husband and be like all normal when deep down not very far I feel so out of balance. I Feng shui’d my room today. Desperate for some change. The days all blur together and I feel like I am living in the movie Groundhog Day.

Tomorrow I am starting fresh with my diet, exercise plan and anything else I can manage. Must fight for sanity amidst the chaos.

God bless

pax

Victoria

Learned mirth…continued

So sad story, both my parents are in care facilities different ones and it’s really hard not seeing them anymore. Done crying 😢

I thought up an idea to make a clue board for my mom who is pretty with it which is great 👍 I’m putting little clues that I hope she can get but anyway it will be good for her to stretch her brain 🧠 and she’s looking forward to it!

She even gets a prize!

One of the clues is a penny with a date on it significant to her life. I get to dig through hundreds of pennies to find the year of her wedding and my dads birth year etc…

Fun mirthful activity!

Did a scavenger hunt last week at the house for my adult children. Hey gotta at least try to make life fun during this pandemic!

Thinking about funny things is hard when you’re trying. I say the wittiest things when I’m not trying! So I’m gonna stop trying.

Pax

Victoria

Learned mirth…

I have not always been a person full of mirth, but have read that it helps with mental state and go me always trying to improve my mental state.

Having a mental disorder can be challenging and the last few days I have been really trying hard to keep it together. But ever since covid hit, I have done so well despite the constant changes in all our lives and the many difficulties brought about by many factors many we are well aware of. Some of my own internal struggles have been surfacing.

I don’t have a therapist right now, but do have people to talk to. Tried a few but having a master’s in psychology makes me very picky and being an empath makes it hard too to find someone who can help me.

What does this have to do with mirthfulness? Well, I have decided to make it a part of my day to find the lightness in everything, through making jokes or just doing creative fun things that bring others joy.

Right now I was messing with my husband and it was great. Just one example of making a hard situation easier by making light of it. It really does help. I watch Jimmy Fallon often and love his jokes and demeanor while telling them. I listen to concerts when the singer talks about positivity about their music and life and my unconcious is having fun processing these listenings and making them a part of who I am.

Don’t take life so seriously I have heard many times in my life and finally I’m not, by choice.

I am sick of my duties lately though, oh I wish I could joke about that. My husband gets to go camping and I don’t go anywhere far or for a few days so we have plans to fix the pop up trailer and go camping before winter. This makes me happy but I want to go somewhere now. Still impatient, yep that’s me.

Must share this as it cracks me up to think about it but the other night I totally scared my adult daughter. She was mad at first and it wasn’t entirely intentional but gave us a good laugh.

What makes you laugh?

pax

Victoria

Events can be powerful…

My time in NY was filled with various emotions. And today being 9/11 it is fitting that I have been writing about my time of homelessness in NYC. I often do that, write about something that I don’t connect until later. Such a sad day.

My time in NYC taught me a lot; not to take for granted that God has my back, not putting myself in dangerous positions anymore and to forgive myself for the things I did when I was pretty much insane.

My mom thinks that I had schizophrenia all my life or at least since 8th grade but I am not so sure about that really. I rebelled and ran away first to AZ and then to NYC. I was an atheist and did not want to live one more minute with my controlling parents. I was ready to see the world.

In fact I did, I visited Rhode Island and Philadelphia, New Jersey and much of New York. It was fun seeing these new places but I have no desire to return, even though I do in my dreams.

I was hoping for a release of something by writing about it and it did help.

I must fight negative thoughts about the time in my life when I didn’t give a flying fuck about anything. I must forgive and try to forget to make room for positive experiences even though not traveling at all right now.

It may have been prodomal symptoms at age 13-20 but who can say for sure. Once I started having children, I gave up my crazy life for the most part and really settled down. But then after getting really religious, I was given the gift of schizophrenia at age 36, so that is a long time in between to wait for the schizophrenia to arrive I think at least.

When did your symptoms begin? OR is it hard to narrow down like mine. Hoping for some feedback.

Feel free to email me at: victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com with any comments on this or any topic,

As usual

pax

Victoria