Found an amazing program…

Good morning all!

I have to share a new program I will be trying out that is local to my area. I did not even know about this opportunity. They have classes for anxiety and depression, dual diagnosis, creative expression, peer to peer, and more. Even have a walking group in person but other than that it is all virtual. I will let you know how it goes as usual but wondering if every state/province/country has mental help services like this one in your area. Where I live it is 211 (USA) to find out about such resources. Not sure in various countries but good to check out.

In the past I have not been interested in joining groups but I feel I want to at least give it a try. Wish me well!

Go on be happy now…

Did you set your intention today yet? I am right now and the winner is perseverance with attention to detail. I have a lot to do today but taking the time to set my intention is my latest desire to set my day with the right tone.

I choose a happy life and it chooses me. Although there is much to be sad about I choose to focus on the good memories or nothing at all. If I remember a sad occurrence from my past I choose to think up a lesson I learned from the experience to avoid certain outcomes.

Call it a survival mechinism or what you may but it works for me so far. For example my freindship that has ended recently, I learned that I don’t need to share every nuance of my life with any one person. And I don’t need to apologize for my actions. This is freeing and helps me to find a better mental state rather than be thinking all the time that I miss her and our friendship. Instead thinking that I had a grande time that ended.

That does not mean I will never have a friend again just that I need to be more protective of how much I share with any one person. Trust is hard but must not be jaded when it comes to friendships.

Super sad about my dad too but again remembering all the good in our life back to when I was a little girl and would sit atop his shoulders covering his eyes with my little hands. How he up till recently still loved to tell this story. But alas I can’t communicate with him anymore but that may change. We shall see.

Off to the gardens now. The weather is perfect and I am in the mood. Ah a great combination:)

peace love light and joy

Victoria

My twisted side…

So all holds released. I like to numb out. Whatever works. So sad to say that I have been indulging again.

I know my pdoc doesn’t want me to drink but it helps me to feel something. Which is better than nothing.

Not judging this time of release. Just noticing. It doesn’t happen all the time but it is happening now. I feel good. I feel something.

If this is a regret than so be it. Sometimes one needs to feel and right now I feel nothing.

Oh I have better plans for tomorrow but for tonight I will accept the numb. Sorry pdoc. but this is better than therapy to release how I feel for one night.

With open arms and open eyes I’ll be there.

Will this be published?

water over wine, not tonight.

I’m glad I have no boss. but at time s I am still very lost.

What is the answer that I am seeking? I know not. I can only relate that it is good to be numb for a moment. Away from the pain of losing a good friend, my father, my mother. Life is always changing. My daughter is my life. If it weren’t for her I would have given up by now. But she is a ray of sunshine. A ray of hope. Spring wherever she goes she.

I’m gonna be a grandma have i told you yet?

Haven’t been able to reveal this happy news but now is the time. My life is changing as I write. So much happiness right now. A new life. Happiness, love in the air. This is as grand as it gets right?

I must prepare for October. God will surely lead me as He has not let me down yet.

That is all for tonight. More to come tomorrow. Sober days to come as cannot indulge like this every night. Time will make its way to me.

May tomorrow be productive and sober as I begin the life I am meant to live.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

April hopes…

Gardening! Started today and it felt great except for the splinters I got in my finger…minor intrusion but dealt with it. My hope for April is to garden every day. Wake up and get out there. Feel the dirt in my fingers, spreading roots, watering, compost tea, cleaning up my potting bench and weeding, weeding, weeding! Without out the weeds it would present no challenge so I take this challenge and tomorrow will wear gloves. But seriously I want to have an awesome veggie and flower garden this year!

Eating more salads and veggies mixed in with favorites. Veggies won’t be ready for a while from my garden but planning to visit farmer’s markets and buy locally grown. More produce, no processed except rare and whole foods as much as possible. Limiting high calorie drinks and drinking mainly water with the occasional cup of joe.

Finish my first book! It is closer after much work this weekend. Submit very rough draft to my editor and hoping for some more movement on my part too. I’m liking it so far though so must take advantage of the times when the iron is hot and strike!

Walking! Must use treadmill or go on walk a half an hour a day for physical and more importantly mental or brain health. Spring is here so must take advantage of good weather and nice days:)

These are just some of my thoughts tonight about starting a new month before it even started. Ha ha. I love new beginnings if you can’t tell.

With the money that has befallen me recently, I am getting new glasses, seeing the dentist, making minor home improvements and saving the rest for a rainy day for surely it will come. Money sure goes fast! I am also keeping the search feature for this blog so be sure to check it out as many readers have been having fun at least I hope so:)

peace love light and joy

Victoria

I won’t worry my life away…

Life is too short to spend it in worry especially about my past. I don’t spend much time there but as many of us do sometimes a trigger can bring us back to an exciting time or unfortunately an upsetting event we would rather forget.

How can we be in the present moment? Fix our thoughts on the now, the present moment, what we hear (I hear Jason Mraz singing I won’t worry my life away and the keys tapping as I tap out this blog). What we see (I see words, I love words as they often can convey so much of what we feel). Smells, touch and taste also bring us in the moment.

These are just a few examples of grounding. If we are thinking about yesterday and the future then we are not in the moment. This is hard to do but not impossible.

I have much to do today. I am working on my book again (yay me), I am reading a new revolutionary self help book I was asked to review and I have my new treadmill to get some movement in.

Also going to cook up the last of the veggies and make a huge salad for tonight’s dinner! Busy yet relaxing day. Hope you all have a happy Sunday. I choose to not worry about a thing! What do you choose today?

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Still looking up…

Hard week on many levels. But it’s over and moving forward with as much excitement as I can muster.

No one supports my new healthy lifestyle. This is a big surprise to me! But I must do it for me then and no one else. Must find my footing once again.

I didn’t write this week. Nor blog . Nor journal. I am afraid of what I will find I suppose. Writing does this for me. It is a reflection of my state of my soul.

Any way around it I refuse to feel guilty but accept this time of rest and quiet reflection.

On the other hand I feel I am exactly where I am supposed to be…

I won’t stay away anyway. I must write my ups and downs and it was a down week!

I emit to the universe all my needs and wants and help me to know what that is!!!

Peace love light and joy

Victoria

esoteric moments…

we are all rare, who share this disorder, schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder or any serious brain health disorder.

and now i speak for me, i do not know what the future holds for me or any of you all. i am not a saint nor enlightened. i am confused about much but yet not unsettled about anything. most importantly I am not psychotic nor a danger to myself or others…

why do i write this? because i have some decisions to be made today, now, in this hour or maybe I should just take a nap like yesterday and never get those 4 hours back…

I needed the sleep so do not regret it but had to reschedule an appointment for taxes.

So much change I don’t know which way is up. As I find my feet for the ground, I must share that my psychiatrist appointment that cost $300 was well worth it if only I can take his advisement. oh if it were that simple. how i struggle right now for now knowing what to do…

peace love light and joy

Victoria

The ups and downs of my bane existence…

Blogging as if this is my very first blog ever…

I need a new start, a new beginning which happily coincides with the beginning of Spring:)

I am resetting my life and am open to the Universe and the Source of all that is Good has for me.

I do not know anything; that will not prevent me from living my very best life in whatever shape I choose it to look like. I do not believe in fate. I am the master of my life, no one else. I have complete control and manifest /emit my desires for guidance.

I am ok

I have my psychiatrist in half an hour. Don’t even know where to begin. Here goes…

wish me well with positive thoughts prayers and vibes cuz i need it all!

every little thing is gonna be allright

peace love light and joy

Victoria

F’d up right now…

I took an experiment and it failed. Lesson learned now to move on. I took a holiday today to listen to Allen carrs easy way for women to stop drinking.

Drove an hour away and ended up at a dive lounge drinking. Omg! Bad news but happy to report that alcohol does nothing for me!!! But must wait til I’m sober to drive home. Ordered some food and have to wait it out.

I cannot drink or smoke. Bottom line. But this puritanical existence rest bothers me. To have nothing as a go but zazen and healthy eating seems impossible.

Oh lord please help!

If I don’t have an addictive personality let me know what I suffer from.

Please God help me to be at peace with no addition!

Peace love light and joy

Victoria

Imperfect days are ok…

Welcome to all new followers. There has been some activity on this blog that encourages me but like I said a long time ago if one person benefits from my musings then I will feel accomplished. I don’t need my ego stoked to continue to blog about real things that matter to you and me. We are one step away from solving all our problems and I am right there with you every step to help navigate life, especially when one has a brain health disorder like me and many of my followers. So here is my update to an imperfect day but that’s ok because I know what to do next.

My food is perfect, but been enjoying light beers. My bad. Going to listen tomorrow to Allen Carr easy way for women to quit drinking. I know I will master this too! I don’t want any escape except for zazen which I was able to sit for ten minutes today! That’s huge. We all know meditation is good for us but how many of us really practice it? Not me until this last week. I know that now I am not smoking weed that I can do it where before it was just a dream.

Today was fun; got my vaccine in morning with my daughter!!! Then traveled 30 miles to Whole Foods with my pupper. I got rainbow chard, vegan cheese, and organic whole carrots which I am most excited about peeling them and tasting their sweetness. I am weird I know but for me food is so important now than ever before. Tonight’s dinner consisted of wilted kale and rainbow chard with air fried eggplant and sweet onion with a little bit of vegan cheese. Yummy! I didn’t finish my dinner but have half a plate to munch on when I get hungry later. I have to eat I am finding more greens to stay full and energized.

Today was a bit of a rest day. Read my empathapedia book which is really awesome and cooked dinner for my hubbie. That’s about it. Oh and my adult married son visited with great vibes. My family is my everything. Friends come and go but in the end it is family we are stuck with so might as well make those relationships work because at times they are all we have. I have made peace with my mom after 50 years of angst. That is huge. I just laugh now at her negativity and the other day she actually said she was happy where she is living! Progress!

Took the day off of writing but it is coming along albeit slow. I am rewriting and rewriting and organizing and right now it is no where close to being ready for publication. But this week I have time to devote to its end and then yahoo!

But the question is will it be done by my goal March 31st? I think it will but I need all the positive thoughts from you all and prayers if you believe in a higher power. I do for He (for lack of better pronoun) has touched down many times and not just when I was psychotic but my earliest memory is age 5 when I recognized God did indeed exist. And many times after…

I cannot deny God’s existence even though I did for a while when I was 18, a proclaimed atheist spreading my ideas. Please forgive me God ! But this is why I make no judgement when people don’t believe. I know and trust He will touch down if needed. And I do pray for the world.

My studies with Buddhism are continuing as a philosophy and model of living. I like this new life that embraces my shadows (still learning how) and impermanence. Much to think about.

These are my thoughts today at the end of an imperfect day. But embracing that and looking for a new start tomorrow!

Peace, love light and joy,

Victoria