Well I decided to go for it and see my old therapist who is just wonderful! I am looking forward to process several things with her mainly my loss of my father as he used to be, my worries for my frail mom and teenage son.
My psychiatrist will be happy for sure!
I feel I am doing pretty good with everything but know I can be doing even better!
I also have 30 days clean and sober today so that is a very good thing. I have been getting a lot more exercise to combat cravings and it is helping and also getting out more, seeing people and taking care of business so that’s another benefit of not smoking pot any more.
The exercise really helps my moods to be more even. Today I even got up early and got some exercise in although small it is hard for me to exercise in the mornings because I am groggy from the meds I take at night. But today I pushed past the excuses and did some lunges and a walk around my house because the weather is rainy which I am grateful for here in California.
Don’t know if I mentioned but I have joined an art class which has a great community feel. I love the art although I am not very artistic and having a new hobby gives me something to look forward to between hospital visits and helping my mom and son. Having something for me is awesome!
Life is like a roller coaster some days and other days I have tremendous peace. Today I was in between, neither cold or hot. I felt unorganized when I tried to bake some banana nut muffins but they came out good and I got the kitchen cleaned up.
I do feel quite a bit unorganized lately but am in the middle of many projects, taxes (blech!), a refinance for one of our rentals that I have to do so much for to save some serious money every month so I suppose it is worth it but the broker keeps asking for things, it is like a scavenger hunt each time I get an email from her!
Keeping up healthy eating takes time too and exercise has again become my daily friend for three weeks now! Today I did a core challenge and my abs are sore in a good way:) I am more motivated now than ever before to get rid of these last 25 pounds that I put on because of this disorder. I have lost 30 so far so that is great and I am managing to keep it off but it takes a lot of work!!!!
I joined an art class too; although I am not much of an artist but needed a fun hobby in between hospital visits for my dad, helping my mom and worrying about my youngest son which I will get to in a minute. We are actually working with pewter and although it is a bit tedious I am finding it relaxing and enjoyable when I am in the mood to work on it. The sketches are hard for me though because I am a perfectionist and no matter how hard I try I can’t get what is in my mind out on paper. But I am proud of myself for venturing out and taking a class and at least trying to be more creative.
As for my son- he just turned 18 and has mental health issues but not psychotic, more severe depression. He can’t get and keep a job yet, couldn’t finish high school (recently got his GED), his car died so he uses mine or walks or bikes it, missed the registration for college so isn’t in school now. He is saying he wants to go to a 4 year out of state but can’t even manage his life living with his parents. Oh my! How much I pray for him every day and worry way too much about him. I try to help him out but he just has a mind of his own.
The good news though is that now that he is an adult he is seeing my amazing psychiatrist who prescribed Wellbutrin and is keeping him on Prozac which he has taken for years. I have hope that it will work and help his motivation. Every day he sleeps in till 1 or 2 pm and just isn’t motivated to do the things he needs to do as an adult. My other two children don’t have mental disorders like him and are supporting themselves so I guess two out of three children aren’t bad. I just see his future and he is so bright and smart that I hope he can find his niche in life and not have to be supported by his parents the rest of his life. He even talked about the army but they won’t take him because of the psych meds so yet another blow. Thank goodness he isn’t suicidal…
So back to me, I need to blog more it really helps me to vent about this disorder. I do so much for others and managing a house is a full time job. The work is never done. I do feel stressed at times and other times it is smooth sailing. I probably need to see a therapist again but don’t have the money but may just decide to do it anyway. My mental health is very important to me and lately I wonder how well I am really dealing with everything. I just don’t think about it most of the time and that’s probably not a good thing.
Thanks if you read this far. I hope my readers are all doing well, staying positive despite this dastard disorder that robs us of our joy so much of the time.
To all my readers new and those who have been with me from the beginning: I want to share with you all a wonderful Schizophrenia guide put out by Junomedical, a new healthcare startup trying to improve patient access to healthcare.
Their doctors have prepared an introductory guide to schizophrenia and it’s really worth taking a look at. It covers diagnosis, causes, therapies and treatments, and presents the best doctors and points of contact to turn to for affected people or their loved ones
I have reviewed it and was very pleased and honored to be asked my opinion on it. I give it two thumbs up for accuracy, thoroughness and clarity. Check it out and pass it along if you have the means to do so on your blog or other social media source.
Seeing my psychiatrist was very therapeutic and helpful. I shared everything with him and he did not fail me. I am so glad I have a psychiatrist I can trust…
He listened closely and allowed me to tell my story of the last few weeks and gave me a lot to think about. I like that he is an hour away so I can think about his suggestions on the drive home.
Basically, he said that my temporary psychosis was probably caused by me quitting smoking suddenly. Now that I am not having thought insertion anymore it makes me think twice before picking up another cig. It’s been 12 days since I have smoked anything and I am much happier clean and sober and not smoking!
I am getting out more, not isolating nearly as much although I still do enjoy my alone time. My house is tidier than ever although I need to clean my kitchen floor more regularly. Yesterday I cleaned my drawers and computer area and it feels great to have things in order. I am also getting to my AA meetings and listening to tapes of AA speakers to help me stay sane. I haven’t been in recovery for a while.
My doctor also said that I shouldn’t work until after my disability hearing so that is off the table for the next few months. I will think about working again after the hearing at a low stress job.
My mood is low tonight. A lot has happened today and I suffered much today because of my disorder. I suffer every day but today I realized something that is too close to home to share about on here. Here is to better days to come.
My psychiatrist really thinks I have a rare form of Schizoaffective Disorder because I basically diagnosed myself back in 2008 which a team of doctors at UCLA confirmed within three days of my admittance to their psychiatric ward. I knew something was amiss and was right.
This is how it has been for me in these last 8 years. I know when I am doing well and I know when I am not and even can predict when a relapse may occur, usually stress induced.
This is why I am perplexed this time at my recent development of psychotic symptoms over the past week. I can’t say it came out of nowhere. But it wasn’t stress it was amazement at how God definitely answered one of my heartfelt prayers. It was amazing and so clear and I thank God for the answer He gave me but I don’t understand why it brought on mild psychosis.
I am doing better now I think. The unwanted thoughts have ceased but I still am in a bit of a daze and am not motivated much to exercise right now. Because I don’t work I have a lot of free time and what do I do? Sit! in front of the computer, in the armchair etc.. you get the idea! I am working on my book some days so that is a good excuse to sit, but I wish I could get back into a good exercise routine again.
I see my pdoc on Friday which is good it is a few days away while I figure out how I really am doing. I have hope that he will help me with some of the missing pieces of the puzzle. Being mentally ill it is not always easy to know how one is doing. Talking to people doesn’t help. It may sound strange but it feels like God gave me the best psychiatrist in the world who I trust so much with all my important thoughts and care.
To my readers with Schizophrenia or Schizoaffective Disorder or any mental illness: I really hope you all have a psychiatrist you can trust too. I hope and pray that everyone looks forward to their appointments like I do!
I have been doing a lot of reading lately and it is wonderful to be reading some of the greatest classics and uplifting books out there! I am reading the autobiography of Mahatma Gandhi, The Book of Joy by the Dali Lama and Archbishop Tutu, the Portable Thoreau and the Imitation of Mary. Most of what I read really resonates with my spirit and helps me to understand myself better.
For instance, on sadness, the Book of Joy offers much insight into how it can really help us be better people causing us to be more compassionate towards others. I have deep sadness right now because of what has happened with my father. He will never be the same, yet continues to live which I am grateful to God for. But his bane existence wipes me out almost every time I see him. He often doesn’t make much sense although at times he makes perfect sense. I take what I can and leave the rest to God to sort out.
On another note, I am slightly psychotic right now again. I am not sure how this has happened and I have plans to call my pdoc in the morning and I don’t know how I feel about this. I was doing so well with no psychotic symptoms for years and now that I am again I am just hopeful my pdoc will know what to do.
I am experiencing thought insertion, no voices this time. It is amazing that I can read right now although I am only absorbing about 25% of what I read and retaining even less than that. But I have had a virus with much free time on my hands so I read anyway and do my best to not obsess over these unwanted thoughts.
After this gets settled, I plan to continue the job search for a low stress job that will allow me to continue to receive permanent disability. I had a dream last night that I had a job at a local diner as a waitress which I did for many years before getting my degree. Perhaps I will do that. Who knows what the future holds. Not I, nor do I want to know the future.
Well that is all for now. It is hard to focus my thoughts so I hope this post made sense.
Is it helpful to lose one’s delusions or is it better to hang on to them to have some semblance of normalcy?
At age 8 I heard the words “you are special” and then nothing until many many years later. But I have always believed it in and out of my reality. Now at age 44 I sometimes don’t believe it although it pains me when I think this way so I will tell you the end of the story, I do believe I am very special because I have to, if I don’t I just want to die, don’t believe in God, and have no reason to live or love.
When I was a teenager I experimented with drugs and ran away to New York in search of meaning for my life. I was suicidal and basically was going to go out with a bang, partying and seeing the world.
I jumped out of airplanes, soared high on drugs, and took many risks across the country and back here in California my home state. But through it all God protected me from an untimely death.
I came to believe in a power greater than myself to help restore me to sanity and I promised my will to Him who made heaven and earth. I am working on being a saint now with the same fervor I had when I went to New York by myself. I have found truth in the Catholic Church and have all the saints on my side as I work out my salvation with fear and trembling.