Quote of the day… —

I love getting these quotes in my email every day. I always have to look at the pic below and often imagine my favorite quotes above my sofa… This one means a lot to me. Robin Williams in I forget the movie (help someone) encourages his students with this phrase in such an impactful way. It brings tears to my eyes or might be from seeing my dad today. Thinking about those who have passed or may in the near future. Makes me want to hold all my loved ones close…Not suicidal happy to report and house to myself tonight! Going to garden, clean and write! pax Victoria

Quote of the day… —

May Joys…

There is so much joy in the month of May for me. I enjoy being in my garden late in the day with my doggies at my side relaxing and enjoying the hard work of me and my daughter with a full veggie section and planting the flower part tomorrow!

I am working on the depression piece for May series 2021 but I’m not gonna lie it’s kind of depressing to write about depression especially when one finds themselves situationally depressed although I am coming out of it because I found my therapist after 3 consults. The consults themselves wiped me out so I took a long bath tonight and am choosing to write about things that bring me joy.

Be back in a sec…

Because I choose to be like Scarlett O’hara and think about tomorrow tomorrow…

I am taking a lot of me time. Realizing huge gaps in my memory about my childhood because of what it was like for an empath to grow up feeling unloved due to heavy criticism and some verbal abuse from my mother. I sought love everywhere, other families would sort of adopt me, I enjoyed spending time with the elderly and I excelled in school although not to my full potential but I did damn good.

May is not only Mental Health Awareness Month but it is also the month of Mary! I have a Mary garden and it is blooming nicely just for her. Ivy has grown around her statuette and the rose bush is blooming partially.

I am forcing myself to keep positive right now. As I type I think of all the things wrong in any given topic with my life, gardens hell life. Yet I choose because I want to to look on the bright side. I’m not all about rainbows and butterflies but I do try to keep it real and that is why I love blogging…

But as for tomorrow, we, my mom and I, are going to visit my dad, which we always know may be the last time…

I have the morning planned out to get shit done and then the afternoon to just chill and go to bed as early as I want! The house is prepped today, there is food ready to eat in the fridge and all is well.

I know that finding a therapist that I can connect with and who has expertise in both DID and Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder is bringing much relief. She did question my diagnosis as DID and Schizophrenia can be confused but in DID one dissociates (which I have since an early age) and Schizophrenia (no dissociatinng). I am already learning from her and I like her. But I know I have both and am seeking integration of all my different parts.

So taking a break after the visit with my mom and dad tomorrow and have my grief therapist on Friday afternoon. If I feel up to it I am going to volunteer that morning at Growing Grounds a farm that supports the mental health program I am involvevd in. But only if I can get to bed early…

What are some things that bring you joy in May?

peace, love and light and joy

Victoria

May the 4th be with you:)

I never get that right on the right day so Im in a good mood mostly.

I have 3 consults set up with therapists who deal in DID disorder over today and tomorrow. Feeling hopeful and preparing to integrate and deal with trauma from my childhood which has caused this. Might even try EMDR but we shall see… I have been sorting through referrals and emails and feel it is good to have three to choose from. Trust is the biggest thing…

I am finding it hard to focus on this year’s May series. Started my rough draft on depression and feeling good about it but because I am fighting depression (situational) once again so it is hard to get mysefl motivated during this time of the unknown journey I am on the cusp of as one therapist put it. Anyway not giving up but puttinng it to the side till the consults are over.

I love to write, lists, journals, notes, blogs, emails. It is really my favorite pasttime other than gardening:)

Sending you all peace, love light and joy

Victoria

Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder May Series 2021…

Welcome to the first blog of this year’s way I am celebrating May Mental Health Awareness Month by doing a series on the many facets to my disorder, some of which is questionable, but alas that it for another day.

My name is Victoria Marie Alonso and I diagnosed myself with Schizophrenia later to be confirmed by a team of doctors at UCLA in 2008 (my delusions said it had to be a team because I was so special) with the first psychotic break at age 36 in 2006. If you want to read about how I received the gift of Schizophrenia click here. Meds helped stop the messages I was receiving daily (from I thought to be from heaven) right away. I sought help because the messages were interfering with my daily functioning as a mother and wife. I actually thought my husband was going to die later that year. It was quite a distressing and scary time. Gratefully he did not die! I was wrong about many prophecies and messages but not all so it is still a confusing 2 years of very strange occurrences, voices, messages, thought insertion and grandiose delusions plus paranoia after leaving UCLA.

My psychiatrist who I saw after 7 day terrible stay at UCLA (but met some cool friends) is the same one I have had since being diagnosed. He and I questioned the validity of the need for meds because I was doing so well, so I went off them under his care after a few months. Things did not go well; I became suicidal and severely depressed so was rehospitalized for 3 days at a great psychatric ward under my pdoc’s care who fine-tuned my diagnosis to Schizoaffective Disorder. I restabilized and have not tried to go off my meds again. I have not heard voices since 2007 and very rarely any messages except when God wants to touch down.

Post-diagnosis I received my Bachelor’s in Sociology 2010 and Master’s in Psychology in 2012. School was easy but working proved difficult in the mental health field. I suppose I was still in some sort of denial about my abilities to manage stress but did end up helping many families while I worked as therapist intern from 2011 till 2015. Stress took me out though and I have been on permanent disability since 2015. I have tried to work a few times but having a boss does not agree with me, so I write and manage a few properties we own (buying).

2018 was my third and last hospitalization. Stress in my marriage and suicidal again. Things are good now thank goodness!

For the most part my Schizoaffective Disorder is managed quite well. Still some delusions and false prophecies so I don’t try anymore and am able to just ignore messages if they involve prophecies. Depression has crept back in though but willl be adressing that in another blog this month.

A few readers have asked me what the difference is between Schizophrenia and Schizoaffective disorder. Basically Schizoaffective Disorder is Schizophrenia (loss of touch with reality with positive, negative and cognitive symptoms) plus mood disorder, manic (which I love when it comes mostly) or depressive (currently in this phase).

What does the DSM have to say about these disorders for those interested in the latest developments in research? It is controversial in some arenas due to its empahasis on medicinal intervention but I feel that it has much value due to the combined effort of experts.

First, what is the DSM and what is it used for? ” The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM–5) is the product of more than 10 years of effort by hundreds of international experts in all aspects of mental health.” America Psychiatric Association. “The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) is the handbook used by health care professionals in the United States and much of the world as the authoritative guide to the diagnosis of mental disorders. DSM contains descriptions, symptoms, and other criteria for diagnosing mental disorders.” resource here.

Here is what the DSM-5 says about Schizophrenia- The presence of 2 (or more) of the following, each present for a significant portion of time during a 1-month period (or less if successfully treated), with at least 1 of them being (1), (2), or (3): (1) delusions, (2) hallucinations, (3) disorganized speech, (4) grossly disorganized or catatonic behavior, and (5) negative symptoms

In referring to the positive symptoms, negative symptoms and cognitive symptoms, positive symptoms include 1- delusions 2- hallucinations (auditory, visual, tactile, olfactory (smell)); while negative symptoms are the more neglected symptoms that people with either disorder, Schizophrenia or Schizoaffective, deal with.

I have already written much about negative symptoms so feel free to search this blog using search feature to left of my title and a bunch of blogs will come up but this one stands out the most to me- Dealing with the negative symptoms of Schizophrenia which explains in more detail what they are. I am taking gingko now and have seen a tremendous difference in negative symptoms especially with completing tasks. Things are much clearer and helps me to get shit done!!!

Now for Schizoaffective Disorder and the DSM-5. The specific DSM5 criteria for schizoaffective disorder are as follows[1]: A. An uninterrupted duration of illness during which there is a major mood episode (manic or depressive) in addition to criterion A for schizophrenia; the major depressive episode must include depressed mood.

I qualify!

Hope this was helpful! For an informational video about Schizophrenia by CureSZ my favorite Schizophrenia non-profit check it out here!

Next exploring, explaining depression.

peace, love light and joy

Victoria

New Laptop and fabulous concert…

I am typing out my very first words on a brand new laptop my son paid mostly for. I love it!

So much to do and it is late but just wanted to check in and test out my new computer. It’s a bigger screen but too tired to give it a more thorough look tonight. All my files were transferred and saved on the hard drive. I am so grateful I have a son who is a techy.

Now at last have to share the concert was fabulous!!!! I will be posting pics this week. It was a night of love, dancing and enjoying my favorite artist, Jason Mraz.

More tomorrow…

Hope ya’ll are doing great. I’m ok but not looking forward to this week with 2 appointments about my possible DID or OSDD (a lesser version non specified), which the latter is what I feel I lean toward. One is an old therapist who knows me but not much about these disorders and my psychiatrist on Friday. We shall see how they go.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Ongoing drama with identities..and some fun 🤩

It’s all making sense now as my different alters emerge and as I am able identifying them. Kinda fun yet tedious. There are ten so far. They are competing tonight between tidying and writing ✍️.

Now for the fun! Me and my daughter are going to see Jason mraz in love concert this Saturday!!!!! So excited and found my new track to listen to! That’s why I’m staying up late.🙃🦋

Gardening 🧑‍🌾 is coming along nicely. I do enjoy it immensely. Must trim roses 🌹 tomorrow. It’s been cold 🥶 lately and that’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it!😃

I do have an appointment with my psychiatrist soon; been with him for 13 years now so thinking 🤔 it will go ok.

Ordered new glasses today on zenni optical online. Had to get my new prescription from Walmart though. I hate wearing glasses 🤓 but that’s just me.

Laptop arrived today. My son is setting it up and bringing it over Saturday! So excited 😆

Well that’s all for now! Wish us well as we all integrate…

Peace love light and joy

Victoria

Negative symptoms of schizophrenia and ginkgo…

As I have previously written, I have had a terrific breakthrough since last year dealing with the negative symptoms of schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder by starting to take ginkgo bilboa by way of Shaklee Mental Acuity. Well my discovery was totally validated recently when I stumbled across a study on different interactions with herbs and schizophrenia. Allow me to take you on my recent path.

I was googling honeybush tea and schizophrenia to make sure that it was recommended. Well I didn’t find the tea but it is a wonderful pick me up for those low moments in the day! Instead I found proof of the wonderful benefits of this herb for those affected with this disorder.

The title of the study is called Updates and Additions for Herbal Contraindications & Drug Interactions plus Herbal Adjuncts with Medicines, fourth edition by Francis Brinker, N.D. He or she writes, ” A systematic review of ginkgo as an adjunct to antipsychotics in treating chronic schizophrenia assesses 8 randomized, placebo-controlled, double-blind studies with 1033 patients enrolled, including 571 using ginkgo extract and 462 taking placebo. Ginkgo extract with antipsychotics significantly amelioreted [made better] total and negative symptoms, compared to placebo, with no distinguishable differences in adverse effects.” Guys beware though who take Risperdone with taking this supplement. I take Risperdone and have no adverse affects.

If you wish to read more about negative symptoms just hit my search feature to the left of the title of my blog.

I have much more to say about this but I’m tired so will post this and share more soon.

peace, love light and joy

Victoria

It’s Friday!

Not that that means a lot to me because I don;t work a m-f job but my husband does so it is reason to celebrate for him. A lot going on and will share soon. I have found support by researchers on the link between schizophrenia and ginkgo bilboa for negative symptoms. Will be doing a full report soon but the reality of my own experience and this report really makes me want to scream from the rooftops.

My computer has been acting up so partially why been silent and why I am making this very short as to get it out there. Hope you all have a great weekend and will be blogging very soon my findings in the study.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Go on be happy now…

Did you set your intention today yet? I am right now and the winner is perseverance with attention to detail. I have a lot to do today but taking the time to set my intention is my latest desire to set my day with the right tone.

I choose a happy life and it chooses me. Although there is much to be sad about I choose to focus on the good memories or nothing at all. If I remember a sad occurrence from my past I choose to think up a lesson I learned from the experience to avoid certain outcomes.

Call it a survival mechinism or what you may but it works for me so far. For example my freindship that has ended recently, I learned that I don’t need to share every nuance of my life with any one person. And I don’t need to apologize for my actions. This is freeing and helps me to find a better mental state rather than be thinking all the time that I miss her and our friendship. Instead thinking that I had a grande time that ended.

That does not mean I will never have a friend again just that I need to be more protective of how much I share with any one person. Trust is hard but must not be jaded when it comes to friendships.

Super sad about my dad too but again remembering all the good in our life back to when I was a little girl and would sit atop his shoulders covering his eyes with my little hands. How he up till recently still loved to tell this story. But alas I can’t communicate with him anymore but that may change. We shall see.

Off to the gardens now. The weather is perfect and I am in the mood. Ah a great combination:)

peace love light and joy

Victoria