After 5 long years my dad passed on 9-11-21

I am in Maui right now grateful for the many moments with my dad over the past 5 years since his strokes July 2, 2016 which left him paralyzed on his left side and bedridden.

He rarely complained if at all. He is my hero. Even in his death he was thoughtful…

We booked this trip months ago and we have gotten many calls that he was about to pass over the last five years and more frequently the last few months. We had rushed to his side and once we appeared he would perk back up till the next call.

He stopped eating about a month ago and had been living on prayers and water/ice cubes for the last few weeks. Luckily he still knew us and my mom and I would visit him sometimes every day or every other day. Our biggest prayer was that he would not die alone.

Our prayers were answered!

We saw him for the last time last Thursday but didn’t go Friday because I was busy with preparing for hip surgery after Hawaii and much to do for our trip the next day.

I have left my phone ringer on night and day for the 5 years. On the day of his passing I awoke at 4am and I drove to lax with my family arriving at around 8 for a 930 flight.

We got the call at 8 that he was detiriorating and would be passing soon. I called my oldest son who didn’t travel with us because my daughter in law is due with my granddaughter October 19th the day after what would have been my dads 84th birthday. They both went right away to be within and yet he still clung on for his dear life.

My brother who is the oldest and lives 5 hours away from my dad drove not rushing because of so many false alarms. But I knew the end and beginning of eternal life was close.

As we boarded the plane I was crying a lot and my husband comforted me. I paid 6 $ during mid flight to email my oldest son to see how my dad was doing. He was still alive. my hour was up for the internet and I had tremendous peace come over me. I relaxed into the flight.

We were descending at 320m and I began to get a string of texts that my brother had made it in time at 230 pm. My dad passed at 3pm the hour of divine mercy, the hour of Jesus’s death. I was a wreck but had to deal with difficulties surrounding Covid and my youngest sons lack of vaccination card.

As we drove an hour to the villas I was in shock that it was over, and that I no longer had my dad on earth. I prayed for his soul and for a sign that he was in heaven. I wished to see a rainbow and as you may know Hawaii is the rainbow state . I usually see rainbows a lot on my trips.

The second day since his passing I was watching videos of him on my phone crying and praying for his soul.

On the morning of the third day of his passing I got lost walking around the villas and ended up on the beach. It was there that I finally saw my rainbow and I haven’t cried since!

God is so good! I know my dad and my sister’ s husband who passed last November are together in heaven goofing around. He is no longer in pain and my extreme sadness has passed.

Thanks if you got this far on this blog!

The day before I saw the rainbow I received an inspirational quote from Yoda-

Lastly I wish to impart that my dad was a huge history buff and the fact that he passed on the 20th year anniversary of 9-11 is huge while we were in flight. I feel this trip is a gift from my dad through God almighty because I have been surrounded by paradise to grieve the loss of my dad.

I will leave you with a quote From Yoda I received the day before seeing the rainbow- death is a natural part of life. Rejoice for those around you who Transform into the Force. Mourn them do not. Miss them do not. ❤️❤️🌈

Peace to you all on this journey we are all on!

Ready for change…

I have not been easily inspired lately. Been reading a lot though, some actually fiction. But haven’t been in the mood or need to blog lately. So I am unofficially taking a break. I might be back on here tomorrow or next week??? We shall see!

Today was fun though. Got an old new car! A 66 Fastback that I am naming Cherry Cherry after Neil Diamond’s famous song. Kidnapped my sister and went to dinner where my son works and there were 9 of us. Been socializing more lately which feels good. I’m ready for change…

As usual I bid you all~

peace love light and joy

Victoria

No one knows how much I suffer with my schizophrenia daily…

Not going to complain but have realized that right now I am still delusional about certain things. Spirituality is not what I would say hard but seeing the hand of God a lot lately and some of it may be coincidence. Maybe all of it is. I probably need to check in with my daughter about a few things or perhaps my old therapist. I am finding it hard to touch down lately. Always floating in my own dissociated delusional world where no one but me can enter.

Paranoid about many things too. Taking things very personal. Lack of follow through. This is my life. Surrounded by many failures, many reminders of who I was before this fucking disorder.

Socialized today with my mom, brother and sister. It was fun! My mom treated us to dinner and drinks and I had a fun non-alcoholic one. Too much food though. But the best part was that this was so rare for us to eat together again. The one thing my parents did right was dinner every night at 5. It was cool when my brother tossed his eaten shrimp tail on my plate. So comfortable. And I stole some of his fish n chips. My sister goofed off with silly photos and we all had a good time. Didn’t even feel disordered for a few hours. Then I came home…

To face my reality. I wish I could be with people more. It is nice to socialize again.

I have stopped watching netflix. The dramas are just not where I want to spend my time when I eat alone, which is pretty much all the time. So instead I am watching documentaries. Current one is on King Tut. I might have done a report on him in grade school. It’s fascinating to learn cool facts I am re-remembering or learning brand new.

So even though I am pretty good right now despite this disorder, I have been having my breakthrough last. When I remember what I learned Monday I smile a little smile. It is a smile towards God for new beginnings. Do you ever wish you didn’t have a memory? I remember the stupidest things that haunt me. Mistakes, missteps. roads I shouldn’t have taken. But in all this God I believe still has a plan for me and all of us. What it is I still know not…but trust in the Source that is all good and almighty!

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Happy 4th of July to my USA followers…

It is a good day here at our residence. Pork ribs simmering, mashed potatoes ready to be mashed, company coming with fur friends. Life is good when we are celebrating the birth of our country.

I am proud to be an American. I am not afraid to say that. Now that we no longer have a dictator at our hands it is a good day here in America.

Hope you all are doing well! Having family over shortly with dogs in boot! I am ready for some fun. I got free baby clothes for my dil so will be sorting through them and having fun celebrating the fourth here in our usual style.

I am doing ok these days. Not great but not bad. Life is short but trying to make the best of it always!

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Late late midnight musings…

Hard day but pondering tonight or this morning. I’m my appointment I wasn’t able to be honest with him anymore. I am possibly going to change psychiatrists. I did try Xanax but it just put me to sleep haha! Will take half the dosage tomorrow but am writing off today…

Nothing bad happened just the negative reel has been playing today…

Just wanted to do a check in as I am not in the mood to deal with any of this today…

Peace love light and joy 😊

Victoria

Almost Got scammed!

So it wasn’t Jason mraz messaging me after all!!! That’s very sad that people are so desperate for money they think up ways to get it but for me this toying of my emotions is not helpful at all! I am cycling between my identities trying to find a safe place to land!!

what is going on?…

drrama never ends over here! much today…latest incident i hit my hand on the door and now icing it so typing with my left hand ha ha i am addicted to blogging

mild food poisoning twice, my mom is upset with me and problems with a close family member mentally who is hospitalized and it may be DID disorder…wow

are these days to be considered normal, is anyone else seeing a spike in mental health crisises in families? I sure am and I am one of them. I didn’t share my own difficulties with my daughter in law but did share what I could and was glad to talk to my son too and offer support when I am falling apart. They can’t ever know because I want them to count on me as the very best grandma I can be. They don’t need to hear my drama. I don’t want to hear my drama. If I’m still falling apart come October when the baby is due, I will have to tell them. But they are counting on me to babysit and today I can barely take care of myself and my pups…

All I want is peace and quiet. One day though as the music is blaring to a very quiet empty house…

Typing with both hands now, hand feeling better after icing it but looks like I damaged a blood vessel in two parts of my hand.

Super excited to share that I am back reading again! I started reading a new book called “How to do the work” by author Nichole LePera and following her on instagram. Her handle is holistic psychologist (3.9 million followers!) and I really am into the book, which is also available on Audible. I got the book from Safe Haven and am finding it more helpful than therapy the bit I have read. We shall see…

I’m not happy entirely with my new therapist. She has helped some to sort through some stuff from my childhood but I find her forgetful and distracted.

Anyway, doing the best I can with what I’ve been given. I have many gifts to share and I do when I can. Little ways, big ways, a kind smile under the mask (both kinds of masks).

But I have figured something out from the book I started today~

My busyness I thought was a reflection on how I am doing,

but I have learned today that it is not.

It is a distraction from dealing with unhealed childhood trauma.

I am really thinking about this and I hope it makes sense. Today I have not been able to be busy due to food poisining and today has sucked until tonight. I thrive at night. At least I got the dishes done! My hand is throbbing right now.

I also just received the book recommended by one of my faithful followers (thanks again), called You will Never be Normal. It’s out in my mailbox. I love getting new books that sometimes resonate with me and if they don’t I don’t finish them.

Why can’t life be this simple. On page everything is nice and tidy but life sure can be messy.

Glad I am good at figuring things out!

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Midnight musings part two…it’s a boy!

Learned the gender today and found out it is a boy! I am having a grandson in October named David!!! Beyond excited. He is healthy and growing and doing great!

So tonight’s obsession is about my husband. He is chaotic to say the least. He always is loud except when drunk or asleep and has fifty things going on at a time. He thrives on it really. Kind of funny in a not so funny way.

Well, anyway, remember my busy life from now till November? well add in a week long trip to Mexico with my husband, daughter and mother in law.

Wow!

I am pushing through life. I make love not war in all situations.

Bless you all! Sorry short musings but had to share my happy news and reality of my husband.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Spread the love…

This is my mission today despite whatever…

Spreading sunshine in the garden today was lovely. I played fetch with my pups and watered the flowers and some of the veggies. I woke up to a dreary day, with a nightmare to boot. But the sun came out and enjoyed it on my face.

It is not hard to love people, but it is hard to like them at times I have found. And the people we are with the most we find the most irritating. This is where I am at today.

I typically love to spoil my family. But today I am feeling depleted of energy to overlook our shortcomings. Reminders of failure forever beckon my mind as I push them out with “shutup”. Maybe I need to be more kind to them too but my negative nelly aka my mind fights hard to stay on track with a healthier way of thinking.

I am trying though to stop all negative thought reels that forever play in my mind on days such as this.

How do you stop from negativity getting the best of you?

Off to find inspiration somewhere!

My key on my car broke so towing it to the dealer 30 miles away (ouch). Our bad because we should have had a spare key many moons ago.

peace love light and joy

Victoria