Let’s talk about suicide…

Many of us have been there, some of us are there now, contemplating a life ending the suffering that seems so unbearable at times…

Protective factors help, these are your reasons to live such as children or pets. Mine are strong but they do not always help me when I am at my wit’s end thinking about taking my own life.

I have a disorder (schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder) and the odds are not in our favor concerning suicide rates. Do I let that statistic bring me down or fight?

I’m a fighting woman! I will not give up because life is a gift and we don’t know the day that gift will be taken away to move onto the spiritual world.

Depression can cause these thoughts too and situations which are temporary. I am currently depressed but being proactive about my mental health because I cannot let myself go again and go down that deep spiral of a staircase into the land of the dark and ugly, which would be to actually to take my own life.

I woke up today and went to bed last night thinking about all the wonderful things that have happened to me this week. There were a lot of highlights and I am now in the habit of making some more.

It is hard right now because we can’t do things we normally would have done. But somehow we can find a way to improve our situation and want to live again.

I have written this blog since 2013 and was diagnosed in 2008. 14 years since receiving this gift that can also be a curse. I am planning on cleaning up this site over the next few days and really trying to get in some good content again.

My life has fallen apart with the death of my brother in law but he would not want me to be somber and teary eyed all the time but I f#$%#ing miss him.

Today is a new day and my mantra once again is I won’t give up! Even better I won’t give up and I will give life my all, starting last night when I deep cleaned the kitchen. There is always something to do but I don’t always feel like doing it.

Yesterday was different. I didn’t feel like doing anything albeit there was much to be done so I played hooky. I went to my best friend’s house and we hung out and drank some wine and sang, cried, laughed and had a grand time! I cam home and because I took a 5 hour break to have some fun I was able to come home and focus on my house and paperwork.

It was easy because I did the fun thing first. Kind of like eating dessert first before the entree. The entree will still be there as will the work and drudgery so might as well enjoy ahead because truly we don’t know if we will even get to the dessert right? So dig in, enjoy what makes you happy or at least not so sad.

Peace love light and joy to all of you.

I can be reached at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com for any questions or comments. My email has been active again and I like that. I don’t have all the answers but I have just a bit of understanding and love to share.

Pax

Victoria

I am calm within the storm of my schizophrenia…

The world is wrong, I am right, I know everything and how it should be. I do not doubt anymore., no I am a libra, well-balanced and eager to please.

Yes, I am delusional today but that’s ok because maybe tomorrow will be different. I am under a tremendous amount of stresss right now causing these delusions.

Happy to report I am not driving. Yes I have had some wine. But the truth must be told. I am not ok most of the day. I a unhinged, unable to do the simple things required of me. But somehow I get them done. Not with ease though.

Too much to do today.

I speak to and for the dead. Does that freak anybody out? It’s a gift I believe in and others believe as well. I channel for my friend not my sister. Will be speaking to her dead husband later tonight about things. Thanksgiving will be fucking hard. That was their day to entertain. To give thanks to God almighty for all He has done. I give thanks too. But tonight i will live in my delusions and do the next thing whatever that may be.

pax

Victoria

Who I am…

I am a daughter, wife, mother, friend and hopefully a good person. I do not hurt others on purpose. Never have, never will. I am the type of person to put others needs ahead of mine.

This is just how I am. But no more these days. My needs have to be taken care of in order for me be able to give back.

Life is great but then it isn’t…

the is the life of one with this dastard disorder schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder. One minute I am fine because all my needs are met but then the anxiety or messages come although as of late it has been quiet from heaven and I like that.

Tons of paperwork to get through before the holidays! Just saying I have to get my ass in gear and get er done.

Push, push, relax, this is my M.O. So much to do but going to chill now and just relax and take it all in.

Everything is up in the air these days. Not sure on Thanksgiving this year, cars are all broken except the truck. I am stuck at home with my husband who is off the next week. Which is great but hard too with him observing my habits lol.

Anyway praying for all of you

pax

Victoria

Am I the only life I can save?

Or am I responsible not out of duty but rather a pure love for others and firstly God almighty for all to be saved?

I believe in Jesus and many do but not all. I do not believe that a benevolent kind God would ever cast anyone into hell.

I do pray for the whole world though just in case starting with my loved ones and all.

I do believe in an after life. am i the only one. this comforts me in times like these.

and then their is the communication with the deceased spirits of my dearest friend and my brother in law…another post for later…

amen

pax

Victoria

In a quandary…

I’m stuck right now…

things were moved into my meditation room and it is really upsetting me, the dogs don’t know where to lay down. One finally chose the bed ha ha

In extreme grief over my brother in law. It’s not the same as a friend passing. No it is much more for me and especially my sister…this man carried the family especially since my father had his stroke and the baton had been passed down to Jimmy my brother in law who happens to be messing with me from heaven. Oh Jim! How I miss you so much already. But let me be about my business.

I unashamedly communicate with the dead. I know i know I need to see my psychiatrist sooner rather than later. I did call today to get an earlier appointment than 11/17. we shall see…

I’m not hearing voices but am very aware of Jim’s spirit filling the house with love and life and messages to all of us. Please help my daughter Jim. Or is this how it is supposed to be?

Chess games with my adult son, some talking, strategy developement discussion and the like. good yet sad times for our family right now…

My life is discombobulated if that be a word. checking, it is. a mess, so much to do and thrown off the usual path today.

My eldest son’s birthday is Saturday. Must pull it together to help make it special.

Blessings peace to all of you

pax

victoria

Protective factors preventing suicide from my schizophrenia…

feeling very low today…but promised to post this in the am and it is 11:57 so have 3 minutes my time ha ha

My daughter and boys are my main protective factors. They need me and I need them. Especially my adult daughter who is doing really well right now, a serious boyfriend, a new job in her field, might be starting law school next year…I made a crystal life grid for her and I really think it is working. She is such a blessing to me and I just love and like her so much. Oh she can be annoying too but I much prefer when she is home even if I am tired of her. She brings life wherever she goes and she is gone today at her new job.

Tonight I am supposed to hang out with my husband. He is a protective factor. I think we are soulmates if one believes in them.

The thought of suicide is enticing today but because of these people and of course my mom and dad, sister and brother, pups and some family that I am close too and the fact they would be so sad if I took my own life. Wouldn’t, couldn’t wont be that selfish.

I am really fucked up today

but tomorrow will come and I will have to busy myself with something instead of just reflecting on how much I want to be with God and no longer suffer.

Having schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder is to me the hardest thing in the world. The negativity, the stigma, the lack of support from others when if one has cancer everyone rallies around but with mental health it is so different.

I CANNOT FIX THIS PROBLEM

but may others who sympathize and empathize with the mentally disordered do the necessary work. and prayer please from me and all of you reading this now. can i get an amen?

heres to better days

pax

victoria

Love, love, love…

It is all I have right now but mixed feelings of love and confusion over a friendship that may be ending.

Is family all I really need? When friendships continue to not work out all I can do is look inwards and hope I have been a good friend.

It’s weird though when a friendship is ending possibly because I have beome so dependent on this friend and have been such a support to her through the griedf over her husbands recent death.

May God guide. I love her but am very hurt right now. I was angry but it has turned to pity. I feel like a shit show right now. May God give me love and understanding and patience in all that I do today.

I have not been very productive lately. Today that must change. Lots to do around the house and gardens…may I not fritter my day away but grief is hard. I don’t feel like doing a damn thing. But if I just sit I get very bored and disinterested in life. So off I go to make a list. Lists really help me to focus.

Can’t wait till this election is over. Very exhausting.

pax

Victoria

Morning musings…

Life is hard again due to the impending death of my brother in law, but I must remember my coping skills and not overdo anything in excess.

I used to write a lot, no more

i used to read a lot, no more

i used to walk a lot, no more

What do I do? Lately not much other than tidy the house and try to make life fun for my loved ones. I try to bring joy whereever I go but it alludes me at times.

Been fighting negative thoughts using crystals. It’s magickal. I have a quartz crystal I use and through the power of God It really works.

I have noticed a pattern with my thoughts, behavior and overall how I am feeling. I get bad news and it takes me three days to be ok. The first day I am numb, the second I it comes in waves and the third I don’t do much but take it all in and pray and listen to my Jason Mraz music which helps almost always, 99% of the time. I am on my third day today. Acceptance is occurring but slowly. Can’t rush these things.

grief sucks!!!

Today is the day of the dead! I celebrate my grandma especially, and others. Without a car today so can’t run errands.

I can’t finish this post today. Need to relax and feels like I am just rambling.

Morning musing to be continued tomorrow or later today.

peace, love, light and joy to all of you!

pax

Victoria

Super self-care to celebrate mental health day…

Today is a special day of the year for many of us. How are you celebrating?

Me~SUPER SELF-CARE

which includes tidying and minor chores first and then taking some time for me doing things I enjoy. Gardening, cleaning (I’m weird that I like to clean), coloring my city, a long hot bath, chilling and eating good healthy food and watching a movie tonight! Might slip in some yoga and always always meditation in my woman cave of which all may enter freely.

I live with three other people and they all visit me when I am in my meditation room doing what i do.

a walk is on the horizon and came to fruition…

I walk a lot with my daughter and it doesn’t matter where we walk, just being with her gives me great comfort and stress relief. It is the same with my two boys. I suppose I am lucky like that to have good relationships with my three children. I actually have 5 children but two are in heaven…

So to end this day I am going out to dinner with my husband of 28 1/2 years to a fancy restaurant. Got almost everything done as planned, but didn’t take a bath, but it’s ok, can’t do it all.

Mental health day is great and all but the fact that I am not feeling my best today mentally is irksome. I have had some great days recently though so there’s that. Must be grateful for what I am and what I accomplish even if it isn’t done perfectly.

I didn’t feel like doing one single thing today but did it anyway because it is a habit now. Sitting for hours on end just doesn’t serve me anymore.

I feel off balance for sure. Hoping to find my groove but may need a new day. Today I got woken up early so went back to bed and slept in later than I like. A sleep schedule is so important…

Here’s to new better days, celebrating that we are alive, even when we aren’t grateful for anything.

peace, love and light and joy

pax

Victoria