What is the delusion?

Ok, I am willing to share this deep secret that I have only told some random therapist about.

I believe I am the cause of the Coronavirus!

God gave me a sign a week before to stop vaping.  Very clear and one other person witnessed the message to me.  And then in a song God confirmed his will

The messages have been clear and timely to what I am thinking about.

So do I quit?  No!  I tried and went crazy.

So I am sorry world.

Part of me knows that the world does not revolve around me.  But this delusion persists and there is nothing I can do about it.

I feel so guilty.

God gave me the gift of Schizophrenia in 2006 and I had no idea then what i know now.  I am on medication but the main delusion at the time of 2006-2008 and off an on since is that I am the most special person to ever live.

Well this delusion that I am causing the virus as some sort of punishment for my disobedience is a lot to handle.  Wondering if I should share it with my psychiatrist in a couple of weeks.

I don’t let it affect my every day life though, just have my moments of regret and justification.

Delusions can be so deep and I haven’t seen any more signs as of late but the world isn’t getting better and here I sit vaping…

Today was hard, I was bored with myself, my music, my life but not my dog.  Dressed her in a red bandanna left over from the large pack I bought for masks.  But instead today drove an hour each way to pick up some nice ones a kind lady made that I met on FB. Was with my son so got in some new music.

But seriously people I need some ideas   I will search my own mind.  It has failed me before but now I am desperate to find a better way to spend my days while in self isolation with my hubbie, and two adult kids.

Did take a walk with my pup which helped.  Sun and wind in the same short walk.  Haven’t felt much like exercising as of late.  But know I must for my mental health.  Must, must , must.  It is not an option no it is a prescription for me from me.  Exercise to feel better even if I don’t feel like it!

Off to walk a little, wait, need to eat dinner first.  Miss a meal, not I!

pax

Victoria

experiment failed…

so i did something stupid.  i stopped exercising for a few days and then ate a bunch of junk food. i feel like crap. only thing getting me through it is kroq 106.7 fm radio station.  they give me the news along with my favorite music…

mentally down but forcing myself to get busy today.  running out of things to clean or at least what I am willing to clean.  The overhead light in my kitchen has never been cleaned. pure grease. blogging is helping my mood.

Favorite song right now- Running up that Hill, made a deal with God by Kate Bush.  I must make a deal with God to end the corona virus. at least that is one of my delusions. Not really in the mood to share it today as promised.  Too raw,, too person, too global.

Time is as nothing

days on end

stuck in the new pattern of life

pax

Victoria

Hard day but fighting still…

It’s late…I’m relaxing with earbuds and kroq playing loud. A station I have loved for 30 plus years. Alternative music with spurts of weirdness and sometimes offensive… I just ignore those brief comments.

But anyway they are a great positive station that has a great vibe and uplifting messages throughout the music. Love chilling with them.

On to my day… it sucked. Covid stuff. Afraid of germs so much and that my husband who went back to work Tuesday might catch the virus and bring it home.

I read today that fear and hope cannot exist at the same time so choose one! I choose hope, hope that the world 🌎 will return to normal or at least a new normal one day..

Tomorrow will share my most recent delusion. It’s crazy so I hope you check back tomorrow but I’m tired 😓

Good night and God bless!

Pax

Victoria

Warning~Religious post with no apologies…

Jesus died for us, plain and simple, He rose from the dead in expiation of our sins and lives today at the right hand of the father, filled with love and mercy for us all.  All we have to do is ask Him in and He will graciously accept!

Even though we may be disordered or know a loved one with a disorder God loves us all the more.  he knows all our sufferings and difficulties and knows the deepest thoughts of our estranged at times minds.

I wish I could write in Spanish… just pondering these thoughts today on another day in physical distancing mode.

To keep busy I have been doing the mundane and even brushed my dogs and brushed their teeth!  Gave them extra treats because I am rationing their dog food until it is safe to go out and buy it.

May order some on line but I like to get a good kind and I’ll have to look that up but for now I am good with spoiling them with extra treats.

Back to Jesus.  If you are despairing right now or are unsure if you believe in God or heaven or anything say this simple prayer and watch the Holy Spirit work wonders in your life.

“Jesus, I ask you into my heart.  I love you and thank you for loving me.  Please send the Holy Spirit to guide me and all my loved ones and the whole world right now when the devil is happy we are apart. ”

Solidarity is unity through Jesus!!!

But the devil won’t be happy if we pray this prayer.  Say amen and really mean it and your life will change.  And if you already have done this, can I get an Amen and a prayer for all of those who really need a prayer right now even if they are not yet ready to accept Jesus into their life.

God bless

pax

Victoria

Melt down, still recovering…

After my last post of how well I was doing I hit a wall…

Had to go to busy store to pick up my prescriptions and tried all day the day before to get them delivered but because one of them is a controlled substance they could not.  It was a lot of ups and downs and in the end I did go but got out as quick as I could.  Really freaked me out!

This is fricking nuts!  I am still recovering from my melt down.  Thought about drugs and booze but not about suicide.  No I want to live , I want to give hugs again and shake hands, without the fear…

Tried to quit vaping…didn’t go so well on a stressful day and there may be more to come…

Hope and pray for all of you and your families everywhere, Japan, China, India, Australia to name a few and of course the US.  God bless the world, God bless America!

pax

v

 

Things that stress me out…

 

and how I cope with a mental disorder.

  1. Money, although there always is some but yet wham, the unexpected or balloon payment is due like say for your taxes.  Mine are due in October.  Think of something else.  Don’t spend a dime.  Save if one can, even pennies add up to dollars.  I have definitely gotten better at saving this year.  I stopped shopping for everything on Amazon and am being more frugal about going to the store for every little item.  My husband was supposed to take over the bills because of my disorder but it hasn’t happened and never will probably.

I don’t work so I have more time to find coupons and deals when we do spend.  He makes a decent income so if I am careful I can really tuck some money away if I’m careful.

I know I am blessed.  I can’t imagine being single and having to rely on my disability income which I get $1,000 a month.

2. Sickness and getting older.  I am not as fit as I used to be but am getting back on track.  But I have been dealing for the past two weeks with a new medical problem surrounding digestive issues and am really trying to avoid going to the doctor right now because of lack of insurance (see #3) at least until October 1.

To combat this stress I try to eat healthy all the time with the occasional goodie.  I also am now exercising 4x a week on average.  I am gardening, walking and doing yoga throughout the week.  This helps my getting in better shape and also helps mental alertness and health.  Today was a rest day and all I wanted to do was to rest but I am in the middle of several projects around the house and rose garden so it was actually harder than I thought it would be to take a day off but my body needed the rest.  So back at it tomorrow!

Although this can stress me out a lot I am learning that the key to my happiness is acceptance.

Now i am much more motivated to do the healthy things that I am doing.  Which in the past it has really been problematic to just sit all day and do nothing, now I do rest in the mornings but do get busier later in the day.  So it is good that I am treating my body better because I have really been sick a lot and it has caused me to make sure I do all I can to be healthy.

I might go to the doctor this week.  We shall see how things go but this relates to #1 the money stress with doctor bills and testing they might want to do.

3.  My parents.  I accept they will not always be around but my dad is paralyzed on his left half of his body and my mom is a fighter but is still very frail yet tough as a bird!

How I combat this stress is by spending as much time with them as I can and appreciating every moment.

4.  Kids and husband.  Kids is easy to combat.  All the work I put in when they were growing up has paid off and although I might not agree with all their decisions I am very proud of the 3 of them.  Interestingly enough, my disorder did not kick in until I was 38 and I was only lost to the world for a year of being psychotic.  Husband is one of my kids ha ha so ditto for him.

I also stress over the unexpected busy day, making sure I take all my meds, doing all I can for my family and friends even when an interruption comes at an inconvenient time.  I used to turn off my phone, which I still do, but I do take calls when I can as needed to be a good friend!

Well that is the main stuff.  What are some things that stress you out and how do you cope?  Comment below or email me at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com.

Bless you all!  Of  course I pray a lot too and try to trust what God is doing.  But it isn’t always easy to do.

pax

Victoria

 

Scared to death

so disability says I am not disabled so I must follow suit…

Tomorrow I am going back to my old work but am applying in a different less stressful situation…

Just wish I wasn’t so tired all the time.  I nap every day now.

I’m in serious debt from the last two years thinking that I was going to get back pay from disability.  But no that is not going to happen.

So I am going on a major spending freeze, only basics… not even the dollar store when I am in the mood for amusement.

I just don’t understand how the doctor’s statement that I am disabled didn’t render a different verdict.  My husband says to let it go…

But I will talk to my lawyer tomorrow all the same.

I just don’t get it.  I have tried to work and met with failure, but maybe this time will be different now that I am on new medicine that really helps me to feel more normal.

Pax

Victoria

A very stressful day but made it, glad for a new day though…

Yesterday was very hard and long for me.  My mom had knee replacement surgery and had to be there at 5:45 am, I didn’t sleep much the night before in fact stayed up late to hang out with my 18 yr old son….

So the day was spent waiting for her to come out of surgery and she is frail mind you so there was that scare.  But she did better than fine.  The surgery was three hours though and had to wait a while to see her in recovery.  Some other stressful things to help her get settled but I got through it and went to bed at 9:00pm last night and slept in till 9.

Today is a new day and I am happy to report she is walking around a little with little pain and a very cheery countenance!

I am glad for new days especially after a hard day like yesterday.  Makes me appreciate things more.  Little things like my ice water and lavendar scents make me happy.  Gardened a little today, watering and prepping for new fall plants.

I have my other hobbies as well such as cleaning my house in depth.  Got my list and getting through it one project at a time.  Even painted some indoors to spruce things up.

My other hobbies (goat soap making and other natural products) and collaging are there too when I get done with the deep cleaning of my house and the gardening and yuck weeding out front.

We might be having a party over here in October so my husband is doing his part getting the yards looking good and getting rid of trash and junk!  We have been married 25 years and although he doesn’t really understand my mental disorder, he is there for me in other ways like leaving me be yesterday for the most part when I was just done with the day!

Hope everyone has a good end of September as October is right around the corner, birthday time soon!  48 years young!!!

Pax

Victoria

 

On upcoming hearing…

My disability hearing is coming up on August 14, I will simply state the truth..

That I am disabled and unable to hold down a decent job.  My anxiety rules my days although I do sleep at night.

I tried to work outside my field and did well in the training part of the job but when I was out of training I found it very hard to remember all that I needed to do and was severely stressed out each day I went to work.  My psychiatrist agrees and recommends that I don’t work.  I do help my frail mother at times and go see my dad who had a stroke and is paralyzed at a care facility.  But to hold down a job I just don’t feel capable due to the Schizoaffective Disorder, Schizophrenia plus depression.

I am not worried, God has my back but it is still stressful to go through it all and show up in front of a judge.

Pax

Victoria

Been depressed, but now able to enjoy the things that enrich my life…

It is in the difficulties  of having this disorder and I have Schizoaffective disorder, which is basically Schizophrenia plus depression, and I also suffer from OCD and lately the ruminations are out of control.  I feel deeply many pains but despite this I am doing well right now despite my situation.

My situation with my parents is bleak.  Ah how much love for our family can bring us down…

Think about it; all our worries as children, mothers and fathers of dear children, and all family whether blood or adopted in by one way or another.  And we are all family in God.  For He wants all of us to be in His kingdom one day when our earthly life is over.  Love, so precious and sweet, it fills us with goodness and reminds us of good times, past, present and future moments.

But I will not let the declining health of my parents keep me down.  No I will take my many comforts~

Prayer

My music latest favorite being Make me a Channel of Your Peace, the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi

My uplifting reading from Buddhism to great saints

Talking with positive people and sometimes even asking them to pray for me and my situation and I get to hear some of their hearts.

My healthy food

My long and short walks

My pups

Watering my vegetable garden which I am going to do in a minute

Thinking about the people I love and all their good qualities

Thinking about God and His infinite goodness

Isn’t this enough?

I take my medicine faithfully like a vow because I know it helps me very much

I see my psychiatrist soon but I am doing ok despite the anguish I sometimes feel

Getting caregiver support from local agencies, classes and gifts

I can do this with the help of God

Things do not satisfy

only God

Thank you for reading this

Pax

Victoria