Today was a good and bad day of sorts…

The day started off all right, went to my women’s aa meeting, spoke with a dear friend, ate healthy, got my sleep, got some resources to help my depressed mother, visited her and she was doing poorly, visited my dad who had a stroke in July and is in a care facility, got some good coffee, visited my son at work, and then it hit…

A panic or sadness attack of some sort.  I remembered later that I didn’t take my attivan in the morning because I have been doing so well.  I felt like I shouldn’t drive.  It crept up on me when I visited my son at work I was thought I was picking him up and was going to ask him to drive home because I was beginning to feel unwell but he had to work late and had secured a ride so I decided to go for a walk on a local trail.  I was praying the rosary and saw a bench in the shade.  So I sat for a while and waited for whatever it was to pass.  I was texting my daughter about my visit with my dad and didn’t want to bother her with how I was feeling but did share with her later.

I don’t really know what it was or why I don’t let people know when I am not doing so well at the time I am not doing well???  This confuses me, my disorder confuses me, my moments that can last up to a couple of hours confuses me.

I don’t see my therapist until a week and a half and will surely share with him this day.  I do have lots of support.  I talked to my aa sponsor soon after I finally drove home which helped.  I made a nice dinner for my husband and hung out with him for the evening then just finished a relaxing hot bath.  I didn’t work out today and that’s ok on days like this.  I know when I feel this way that even a workout won’t help me feel better.

I guess the best way to describe it is as being mentally unwell.  I am under a lot of stress with caring for my parents so I need to be sure to take my meds every day.  My psychiatrist told me I only had to take the attivan as needed.  I guess I need it!  Ha ha.  If that was all that it was then that’s good news.  I am glad I didn’t drive when I felt that way.  I guess there is a lot to be grateful for!

Hoping for a better day tomorrow, I am going shopping with my mom so that will be good for both of us.

Pax

Victoria

Loss

Hello to all!

I am not doing so well due to three major losses going on in my life currently.  My daughter 21 leaves for Colorado on Monday for school and I am heartbroken.  She has been a huge part of my recovery from Schizoaffective Disorder and I really don’t think I will do well these next few weeks.  I get to visit her in October but that seems so far away.  She is dear to me and I call her my butterfly because even from her birth she has been my easiest and most loving child.  Her thoughtfulness and ability to make me laugh is a lot of the reason why I do as well as I do.  We will facetime, talk and text but that is 18 hours away.  Seriously, could she get any farther?  We are supposed to have a going away family party for her Sunday and I am not close to being ready.  I hope everyone understands why things aren’t perfect.

But I said three losses and that is my biggest one surprisingly but I shall share also that my adult son is moving out the same month.  He bought a condo with his girlfriend and I am happy for him but today I got emotional with him and he just shut me down.  He is my firstborn child and will always hold a special place in my heart because of that fact.  He is not going far but combine that with my daughter leaving the same month and ouch!  He is also my computer geek around everything electronic but maybe that will give him reasons to visit.  Unfortunately I am not very close to him anymore but maybe with him having his own place he will warm up to me again.

Lastly and sadly, I have to go on permanent disability.  But I was able this time to give two weeks notice at my job with my last day being Wednesday.  I am giving up my dream of getting my MFT license which isn’t that big a deal but to think that I will never work again is daunting.  I do well for a while then all of a sudden I’m not ok.  I didn’t have to be hospitalized this time and am happy for that, but it is a loss just the same.  I wonder what I will do with my days especially with two kids gone at the same time.  Perhaps now I will be able to focus more on my sixteen year old son, my house and myself.  Might even garden I hope!

If anyone has any prayers to spare, I would be most grateful.  My body wants to shut down with all this going on but I can’t give in and do that.  I am not suicidal, happily I write, just have a sort of dread with all the loss going on right now at the same time.  I do have a good therapist who I saw twice last week and that helps but where did all my friends go that were surrounding me last month?  I feel very alone right now….

Here’s to better times to come,

Pax

Victoria

Not sure why…

Today was my first day back at work after the holidays and for some reason I am a little stressed out.  It is the end of the day and nothing bad happened at work, nobody got mad at me for anything and it was a pretty easy day, overall.

But tonight as I get ready for bed I feel like something bad either has happened and I don’t know about it or I feel like something bad will happen.  I have felt this way before recently but not to this degree.  Perhaps it was too much time eating and relaxing through the holidays that I am feeling stress now being back at work even though I work in a very positive work environment.

I do take Attivan every day that I work to help relieve anxiety and I did take one today.  I am going to do some mindful breathing in a little bit before bed.

It is strange but I move from task to task looking forward to the next thing I get to do and not enjoying the thing I am presently doing.  I don’t know if this makes any sense but it is what it is.  When I was on vacation recently for example I wanted to enjoy the view from the eigth floor of the Cheesecake Factory.  My prayer was that I would appreciate it.  Well the wait was almost 2 hours long so I had 2 hours to enjoy the view, but I had to make a conscious choice to do so.

I think a lot of this is normal stuff but I don’t remember being this way before my psychotic break in 2008.  I remember enjoying the moment more.  Perhaps it is age, but I think it is related to my disorder and from the side effects of the medication.

For now I am going to be sure to take better care of what I eat, how much sleep I get, that I exercise almost every day, shower regularly, take time to enjoy myself in as many moments as I can remember to and basically be kind to myself.  I can be pretty hard on myself from time to time and I really have to focus on being more gentle and avoiding negative self-talk as much as possible.

It helps to write.  Thank you for reading.  Comments are always welcome!

Pax

Victoria

Conflict

I don’t know about anyone else but conflict really stresses me out.  Like when I see someone on the road who is raging I get really upset inside and pray for them.

Or when two people are in an argument that I am not even a part of, that too gets me stressed.  I must admit that I take a low dosage of Ativan for stress and I pretty much take it every day with a cup of coffee so I dont’ get too drowsy.  I only take it on days I work or if I know I will be in a stressul situation, I hope to not need it but for now a very low dosage really helps me out.

Some other ways I destress are to take a hot bath or shower, reading, writing, talking to a friend who is supportive and unfortunately eating.  Meditation and deep breathing can also be helpful!

Pax

Victoria

Avoiding people who stress you out

Stress can be a good thing but for those of us who suffer from a mental disorder, certain stress can lead to relapse.  One of the best things I can recommend is to avoid people who stress you out.    Recognize people who are good for you and surround yourself with them.  Limit actiivity with family members who are nonsupportive of you and your mental disorder (if they know about it because not everyone needs to know I have found).  I recently, again, found myself around someone who had very high expectations of me and what I was capable of to a detrimental degree.  I now only speak to her every now and again rather than frequently and it is the best thing for me.  I am learning as I go on in life.  I hope my experience will help someone else to avoid this kind of stress, because for me relapse is not something I ever want to experience again.

Victoria