Psychotic episode from 2007…

Things were intensifying. Many messages and late nights feeling the heavy presence of God. No drugs, no alcohol, but some stress of my grandma’s passing may have induced schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder. Dx’ed in 2008.

Things other people take for granted became next to impossible like going to the store. Visits from God at these times or my disorder in full psychotic state, not sure really but it was pretty cool except for the time when~

I was walking down the spice packet aisle at my local grocery store and suddenly the command came to buy one of each. I ignored it at first but suddenly I found myself melting to the store if I did not do this weird thing. I hate to ever cause a scene so after several attempts to ignore what I thought to be God testing my obedience, I did it. I felt the paralyzing of my limbs when I tried to ignore the strong inner command.

$200 later I was leaving the store with bags of spice packets half of which I gave to a friend who I believed had shared psychotic disorder. Paralyzing, commands and testing are not of God I believe. I know now it was this dastard bleeping disorder. And luckily enough, do not have psychotic experiences since started taking goterpy cbd oil full spectrum the past few years.

I voluntarily entered UCLA in January of 2008 and the minute I started taking anti-psychotics meds the symptoms began to cease. The messages stopped mostly. God does break through at times in important things such as certain friendships and others I get the green light.

I must now release these terrible memories and do some cord cutting with my quartz crystal tonight, when the house is quiet…

Wishing you all recovery, peace and love

pax

Victoria

Learned mirth…

I have not always been a person full of mirth, but have read that it helps with mental state and go me always trying to improve my mental state.

Having a mental disorder can be challenging and the last few days I have been really trying hard to keep it together. But ever since covid hit, I have done so well despite the constant changes in all our lives and the many difficulties brought about by many factors many we are well aware of. Some of my own internal struggles have been surfacing.

I don’t have a therapist right now, but do have people to talk to. Tried a few but having a master’s in psychology makes me very picky and being an empath makes it hard too to find someone who can help me.

What does this have to do with mirthfulness? Well, I have decided to make it a part of my day to find the lightness in everything, through making jokes or just doing creative fun things that bring others joy.

Right now I was messing with my husband and it was great. Just one example of making a hard situation easier by making light of it. It really does help. I watch Jimmy Fallon often and love his jokes and demeanor while telling them. I listen to concerts when the singer talks about positivity about their music and life and my unconcious is having fun processing these listenings and making them a part of who I am.

Don’t take life so seriously I have heard many times in my life and finally I’m not, by choice.

I am sick of my duties lately though, oh I wish I could joke about that. My husband gets to go camping and I don’t go anywhere far or for a few days so we have plans to fix the pop up trailer and go camping before winter. This makes me happy but I want to go somewhere now. Still impatient, yep that’s me.

Must share this as it cracks me up to think about it but the other night I totally scared my adult daughter. She was mad at first and it wasn’t entirely intentional but gave us a good laugh.

What makes you laugh?

pax

Victoria

Events can be powerful…

My time in NY was filled with various emotions. And today being 9/11 it is fitting that I have been writing about my time of homelessness in NYC. I often do that, write about something that I don’t connect until later. Such a sad day.

My time in NYC taught me a lot; not to take for granted that God has my back, not putting myself in dangerous positions anymore and to forgive myself for the things I did when I was pretty much insane.

My mom thinks that I had schizophrenia all my life or at least since 8th grade but I am not so sure about that really. I rebelled and ran away first to AZ and then to NYC. I was an atheist and did not want to live one more minute with my controlling parents. I was ready to see the world.

In fact I did, I visited Rhode Island and Philadelphia, New Jersey and much of New York. It was fun seeing these new places but I have no desire to return, even though I do in my dreams.

I was hoping for a release of something by writing about it and it did help.

I must fight negative thoughts about the time in my life when I didn’t give a flying fuck about anything. I must forgive and try to forget to make room for positive experiences even though not traveling at all right now.

It may have been prodomal symptoms at age 13-20 but who can say for sure. Once I started having children, I gave up my crazy life for the most part and really settled down. But then after getting really religious, I was given the gift of schizophrenia at age 36, so that is a long time in between to wait for the schizophrenia to arrive I think at least.

When did your symptoms begin? OR is it hard to narrow down like mine. Hoping for some feedback.

Feel free to email me at: victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com with any comments on this or any topic,

As usual

pax

Victoria

Releasing negativity slowly…

So many mistakes or missteps I like to call them…

I would never intend to hurt anyone; but yet this part of my body, my mouth, says things sometimes that just are not helpful. I am not perfect, and trying not to be anymore. Letting things go is what I need to do.

But my OCD along with my schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder prevents this at times. But I am learning as I go.

The problem is that I joke around a lot and sometimes the truth in the joke is just not a good vibe…

But I believe in the power of the mind even though mine may have a disorder. I choose to release these thoughts when they arise and just repeat the mantra, I am good, I am holy, i am humbled. And then think about something good and positive

I surround myself with positive energy. My son is a huge positive force in this house and is spreading his positivity getting paid to play video games on twitch. I observe at times with his permission and i am just so pleased with how he interacts with others and always tries his hardest to answer all the comments. He is an inspiration to me and the many who pay to watch him play.

I don’t need money yet today find myself in murky waters due to switching banks. new bank has a hold on all checks. Today is a holiday, so no one I can call. Life can still be challenging for sure but doing much better these days than ever.

So much helps me!

I am finally free from religion and loving my new blog http://www.allformycreator.com peace love and joy. It charts my spiritual progress or interests as I navigate through new ideas mainly alchemy, the physical, spiritual and mental aspects of life. Felt like this blog needs to focus more on the disorder where my other one is all about God and connecting with Him though nature, animals, people and the mundane.

Check it out if you are so inclined.

Back to topic.

RELEASING NEGATIVITY AS YOU READ THIS

there is so much negativity in having a mental health or brain health disorder. so much misinformation and stigma. it sucks really but must rise above. The fact that I can’t work a real job does not mean that others cannot. I work hard around my house and gardens and manage some personal real estate.

Its mainly fun for the most part but days like today that are hot leave me feeling drained and bored. Nothing is fun! But life is not supposed to be about being fun all the time. That would be boring really. Imagine living at Disneyland 24/7 that would get old and would lose its magic.

So I am taking this time today to do some reflection on my routine. With covid so much has changed, so must roll with the changes. I’m a work in progress and it just keeps getting better. As long as I can stay out of the hospital and function well I will be content.

As to the negativity I fight, well that was learned from my mom. I must unlearn it and fight this pattern that has held and served its purpose for long enough.

Positive thoughts, vibes, prayers and peace to you all!

Pax

Victoria

Dream big they say but impossible for me due to my disorder…

I am not cured by any means but have been thinking a lot about the fact that I am doing really well right now but my condition is fragile and I had to set some boundaries this week, which was really hard to do.

Dreams for the future are bleak at times. I met with a financial advisor yesterday and am thinking about my life in the next twenty years. I cannot think I will be content doing what I am doing now. I feel the need to work and make my own money again but have no idea what I would like to do.

I don’t need to work but find it enjoyable just saying “I have to go to work”. The perfect job for me would be being a teacher again so going to look into online courses I can teach. I really enjoyed my last job teaching sociology at the community college level. I did a great job until stress took me out.

I know I will be fighting with God as the delusion remains that I shouldn’t even be thinking about working. My husband makes bank but having something to call my own is really calling to me right now.

I am on permanent disability since 2015 but did work in 2018. I can still work and earn my disability. I beg with God to allow this. I have the energy and putting my attention on students again feels right. Going to do some research and check into it.

I mean there has to be a great need for teachers right now right? I’m thinking sociology again as I love that subject matter. I earned my bachelors in sociology in 2010 and my Master’s in psychology in 2012 post diagnosis schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder and being a student is easy to me but working is a different story.

I have been doing this thing lately though where I write out what I want and then it comes true. I have written down furniture, and stuff for my garden so I am writing now that I want a job.

I am following the recent meme that I saw on my empath group that said to make an imprint on the universe rather than letting it make an imprint on you. So instead of just waiting around for things to happen to me and you, making a conscious choice for things to be different.

I like that!

Finding my balance in life ain’t easy but now that I have so much more focus thanks to supplements I now take, feeling brave and fearless for the moment ha ha. That’s me, never a dull moment.

pax

Victoria

Overcoming social anxiety…

Ever since the pandemic hit I have barely gone out for fear of my daughter who is immune compromised. I have used all the service platforms and curbside whenever possible. I still do curbside but have now started going to the store.

At first when I tried I had severe anxiety attacks and a really bad day. Then I learned to go to the store at off times and it is actually feeling good to be out and everyone almost is wearing a mask and social distancing.

Today I did a lot of errands in the morning, got a burrito which I ate quickly and then fell asleep. I missed my therapy appointment because my phone was charging and I didn’t plan to nap so long. But it’s been super hot here too in Santa Maria, Ca and feeling lethargic during the hottest times of the days. Our weather is usually 70’s so we are melting at 89 degrees.

So I finally woke up and actually was relieved I didn’t have to talk about my anticipatory grief with my dear dad. I think I will go to once a month from here on out. It brings me down more than lifts me up but it is helpful to process occasionally what I am going through. I know he will die but he just keeps going which I love but it’s hard and takes a toll.

He is my lifeline right now in many ways…that’s all I will say about that.

I did try a new therapist who was Gestalt. I don’t recommend this type of therapy for people with schizophrenia. I heavily disliked it and canceled my following appointment.

I’m pretty good most days. Still getting fit and losing this dastard weight I gained on Risperdal. Down 35 pounds since Sept 2019.

Hope and pray you are all well.

Drop me a line anytime at: victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

pax

Victoria

New goals…

I want a change of pace in my life.

Now that I am no longer a couch or chair potato, I am looking inward and outward at my life and finally figuring out what I want to do with the next 50 years!

I am 50 now and feeling so much like my life is finally becoming what I have always wanted. I’m not talking about material things but along with the inward work I am trying harder to take care of the things that I have and because of covid I am becoming more resourceful.

First off I want to get fit, but first start with gaining stamina. My kids put together a home gym in an old shed so tomorrow I am putting my plan into action by doing a few circuits with the guidance of my very own personal trainer (daughter). I am really excited.

I get weak and dizzy at times and can’t work for long hours so it seems like something I must do. I want to be like Jack La-lane and be in good health till the day I die.

I will only do this if I start pretending I am training for a triathlon or something like that. It is the only way I will get to a better place really. I throw myself into whatever I am doing…always have, always will.

I do know a few things about myself but much is still a mystery. I don’t know how I got to this place but no matter it is where I am and I am growing stronger each day mentally which is pretty darn exciting.

My husband and I had a major tiff the other day and I was considering divorce. But he knew just what to say to get back in my heart. It brought up much self doubt….

I am a child of God keeps coming up for me. We all are.

Working on my negative self talk. Today my daughter told me a story about a friend of hers who would mess up and instead of calling herself dumb or stupid (like I did which brought up her telling her the story) she would say “I love me”. I don’t know if I can do that yet because I hate when I mess up. But it did teach me to be kinder to myself. A work in progress we all are.

I have decided to study alchemy, being an empath, and succulents. I love that there are three new things in my life that I am learning about. The number three is important to me because of the Trinity. Even though I am not Catholic I still believe in the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. I cannot deny this but do not judge other religions the way I used to.

These are my ramblings for the evening!

Have a great night, morning or afternoon!

This site has been visited lately by Canada, China, USA and I think I remember the Philippines. Yay! I love that other people in other parts of the world visit my blog!

Peace to all of you! Stay safe, stay strong and get help if you are in any distress.

You can always email me at: victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

Lastly, anybody else checked out the schizophrenia forum? I found it recently and have found it to be quite interesting and very interactive in a non threatening way. You can check it out here

pax

Victoria

Solutions for negative symptoms of schizophrenia…

Tonight I updated my sticky page of my blog talking about the negative symptoms of schizophrenia if anyone is interested click here.

Today was another great day. Yesterday was not. Feeling a little lost due to my recent departure from the Catholic church. But God is good! and today I restarted my spiritual practice to set an intention before or after an activity for a person or the country or the world. It is my prayerful way that I am now. and i find myself content…

Sold my first shaklee today, woo hoo. I just want other people to feel as good as I do. She didn’t suffer from schizophrenia though and the negative symptoms but had a stroke a couple of years ago and suffers from mental decline and memory loss. I truly hope it helps her…

Anyway it is late and as always contact me with any questions/comments at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

pax

Victoria

We are brave…

Say what you want to say fellow bloggers! We are brave because we keep going day after day and mental health disorders suck! and then some of us blog about it, which is helpful for readers and bloggers, at least I am inspired when I blog and read others blogs, with the sweat and tears at times!

We are all at a different place with our disorders, and some of us are loved ones of someone with a disorder, or just interested in the functioning of the brain.

We are all brave, each day we wake up, take our meds or not, and keep going, despite what life throws at us. If you are reading this you are one of these brave ones. And if you know someone who is not online that has a mental disorder, tell them. You are brave.

Life has so many unanswered questions~ Jason Mraz

says along with that life is weird, he says it twice and it is true.

My mantra used to be “Never give up” and I still think it but I am at the point where I am so full of love and hope and joy, although not every day is great like today, that I have changed my mantra to “I am brave” and if you really want to be inspired listen to Sarah Bareilles belt out the words that help me keep going…

“I want to see you, I just want to see you, I want to see you be brave”

~Everybody’s been there, been stared down by the enemy

which for me is brain dysfunction. I have had my days where I felt like I was losing….

but then I reached out to someone who cared for me and helped me get the help I needed.

Now I have a team of support, God (He’s the best) who gave me the best daughter one could ask for, a husband who cares for me deeply despite his misconceptions with mental disorders, wonderful imperfect parents who gave me life, two awesome sons and a daughter in law and one best friend among many friends, well does four count? A therapist I get to see for free because my dad is on long term hospice, my psychiatrist I have had since being diagnosed (2008), and a brain that still works with defects at times. Wow! I am blessed and don’t deserve such a good life, but I’ll take it and count my blessings, while being brave because I need them all in my life, until they go away, and then I adapt and move on.

Life is much more simple these days. Been getting rid of a lot of things but there is always more…

I also need to be alone a lot every day, anyone else?

Hope you had a good restful Sunday!

Pax

Victoria

You really did it…

Life is about choices really:)

I choose life today over the opposite…

I try to not think about that much these days if at all although I do want to be with God one day…

But not now – no- I have so much to live for, my loved ones and I try to do good..

I perceive that much of what I try to do as failures but am going to turn it around and think rather they are mistakes that I have learned from.

And I am constantly learning, that was a joke but truth in every joke.

I hope you all are doing well.

I had a bug this week but was still productive. Got tested for covid but whatever it was went away after I armed myself with Shaklee my latest obsession.

I just can’t believe that I am so productive even when I was not feeling well this week. I credit it to what I have been talking about with brain health month here on mypersonalrecoveryfromschizophrenia blog since 2013!

Mental acuity plus by Shaklee. You can check this out on my Shaklee brain health support website here and click on shop and order it. But it is backordered still sadly… hope I don’t run out, going to start taking one a day (currently taking two and see a difference from one) just in case.

I am working now again as a property manager for several properties. Only 6 hours a week max so fitting it in along with managing the house, family and me!

God is good!

pax

Victoria