The ebbs and flows of life…

Am I numb now? I think not. Visited my dad today with my mom and was a good visit. Yesterday was the 5 year anniversary of his strokes…that is all I wish to say about that. Haven’t found comfort in the bottle lately over the past five years of his almost dying many times. I’d rather be sober lately which is much better…

So even though I am very sad about my dad I am in the middle of planning a huge baby shower for my daughter in law and it is going well. As she is growing, and many wonderful changes are occurring to her body, I am also adjusting and trying to accept myself more to be the best grandma I can or know how. I’m pretty good with kids I think and they like me so can’t wait. Today was spent washing a large box of baby girl clothes. Some really cute clothes I found on facebook that were given to me for free.

I have been watching old videos of my kids when they were young and seeing myself before I got schizoaffective disorder is trippy! I am learning to accept myself in many aspects that have been a struggle for most of my life. This includes accepting my body. I would rather be happy and chubby than skinny and psychotic. So I accept that I just have to take this medication that helps but causes these side effects.

I am also sometimes loud and obnoxious although I think I have mellowed with age and being on meds.

So I accept my life for what it is; imperfect yet fun, challenging but interesting. Good and bad and everything in between.

Wishing all my American followers and happy 4th of July! And I also believe it was Happy Canada Day (hope I got that right).

For further inspiration check out this newer blog started during the pandemic of black and white photography. It’s really cool so check it out here to be inspired.

Peace love light and joy

Victoria

My attempt at a poem…

Angels to fly

Beyond the sunset

ever reaching for God of the unknown

ever wanting connection

connection is elusive

still trying

covered in white

seeking with all that I am to reach the eternal source of all that is good!

What am I waiting for?

I do not know

It is within my grasp..

only have to lift my heart and my soul

off I go.

Daisy daisy, God is good!

Credits to ed Sheeran my listening tonight, hearts don’t break around here.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

What if I don’t trust my psychiatrist anymore?…

Bottom line, trust has been broken, and just took an assessment of previous appointment for tomorrow’s appointment. I checked that I was not happy with the last appointment. We shall see what he says about that.

I’ve been with him since 2008, 13 years, with just a minor break when his team didn’t inform him I was suicidal. He called me himself and apologized. He has been great with my schizoaffective disorder but is lacking with the DID so thinking about switching. But it’s complicated as usual…

I get free meds from him, but do I even want those meds? I have skipped the second dose of Latuda for a few days and notice nothing. Wondering if I need to be on Latuda even? I guess tomorrow when we meet I will address these concerns. If he isn’t willing to adjust, I may have to switch. Spent my afternoon getting referrals to other psychiatrists. That is the one good thing about covid, everything is virtual so I am not limited to my area but am looking in LA. Ewww Beverly Hills even. haha another delusion for me.

I wonder if it is a delusion for me to stay with what has worked for 13 years or to take on a new pdoc? It is scary!

Today I wish I could say goodbye to that part of me that has schizoaffective disorder…I can wish can’t I?

Been paranoid a little lately. Always something going on to make me suspicious. Anyone else?

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Healing journey cont…

This quest I am on involves many things as there are many facets to my disorder. Tonight I am saying goodbye to Storm (the part that doesn’t give a fuck). I have learned many things about Storm and her reason for being one of my parts. But we are safe without her so it is- see ya later Storm…

I see my pdoc on Thursday. I am also looking for a new one as this one doesn’t know anything about DID disorder and I am questioning if I am on the right meds for my Schizoaffective Disorder. I am checking with my insurance for an in network provider to see if I can save money too! I’m tired of the side effects and feel like a broken record.

Been active these days, walks, gardening and stretching. Feels good. Counted calories for half a day and got bored. I know what I need to eat so must plan better.

Now I would like to share my self-integration so far. I had 15 parts and am down to 10, if Storm goes. Lost one, little one, Francis (hard-worker), secret one and Storm are now no longer active parts of me. When they try to resurface, I gently (except must be forceful with Storm) ask them to leave and I distract myself as best as I can until me and the parts of me that I am allowing to stay (for now) and connect with all of us in any way I can. This feels safe.

I was moving a bit too fast because that is what I like to do. Impatient one I am figuring out too even as I blog… it seems like the secret to self-integration is to be really present and aware of why they developed and what they need to go away. Hope I am making sense!

Hope all of you are well~

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Late night musings…

My nana is a ray of sunshine wherever she goes. The quote I like best is by Henry David Thoreau ” and wherever she went it was spring” to this blog tonight I dedicate this post…

She is moving out this year, God willing… I will be happy and sad at the same time. She drives me nuts but doesn’t know it ha ha, master actress here. And she also provides so much support and care with whomever she is with and sometimes it is me.

Today we went on a walk and it was needed. I need that time to help her decompress with her demanding job and hunt for a condo. I don’t want my 22 yr old son to move out with her but haven’t expressed my opinion to anyone but I don’t think it is a good idea for several reasons. Been praying again and praying now for God’s will.

This Thursday I see my pdoc and have my list of things to discuss. The Risperdal side effects, the need for a different anti-anxiety med and my did disorder. We shall see how it goes but please send positive thoughts my way on Thursday or anytime. I shall return them to you all with gladness and hope.

Good night!

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Healing journey…

I am on a quest, once again. And nothing will stop me unless the Universe demands it of me…

I have much work ahead of me but am piecing it all together and it is starting to make sense. To unravel my brain is not easy but recognizing patterns, coping mechanisms and reading inspirational works really helps. I am also willing to be honest with myself and although I am my biggest critic am learning to be gentle with the parts of me that I am asking to leave.

My past is of no matter anymore except when it serves me to think about why I have one of my parts. My part called Storm, who doesn’t give a fuck about anything, is the one I am really discerning why this part comes up. I believe that it stems from when I was a teenager and had controlling parents. I did things I am not proud of but I was under the influence of heavy illegal drugs and Storm was actively present.

Yet all the crazy things I did were with measure but still extreme at times. I lived on the streets of New York at age 18 and it was insane. I would walk around bad parts of Lower East Side Manhattan at 2am and act like I was crazy so people would leave me alone. I am just now remembering some of it. When a friend, Carrie a 14 year old runaway from New Jersey died in a fire I came home, went to rehab and began my life as a mother and wife. I wasn’t disturbed at all with mental issues raising my children until I got Schizophrenia when my kids were 8, 12, and 17.

But this f’n medicine with so many side effects helps but yet I wish I didn’t have to take it. Weight gain is my current sadness. Today was a fun but sad day. We spent the afternoon at my sister’s, our first time hanging out over there since her husband passed in November 2020. My sister pulled out all the stops and it was an oasis retreat with her pool and cabanas. We haven’t been invited over there for years. Not sure why but perhaps it was because they needed that time for each other and now that my sister is on her own is really enjoying family.

I also bought my first baby clothes for Sofia, my granddaughter due in October! Little pink tie dye onesie and little jeans with booties with lemons on them which my dil loves. Fun times today for sure!

This healing journey is long but I am ready, I think.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

“You are always where you need to be”…

October 5th entry from A Year without Fear by Tama Kieves 365 Days of Magnificence 5-minute mind-set shifts

“I’m going to ask you to trust in your life- more than in your script.

You are always where you need to be.

It’s not like the Universe dropped your call.

Your wise eternal inner self didn’t fall asleep at the wheel or started playing for the other team.

You’re still plugged in to power and flow.”

(from Inspired and Unstoppable: Wildly Succeeding in Your Life’s Work!)

I feel great! I am honored to be a part of the baby shower process and today we all met and I got to pretend I am fine. I am but I did a lot of self-integration today and boy it was hard work!

So tonight I decided to go to- my go to, this little book of blessings. Not every entry resonates with me but most do. Tonight I played book roulette and this page was the second one I turned to. Very fitting right now because I feel my life is falling apart around me. I realize I am being dramatic and I won’t bore you with details but I need a flipping break soon! I feel like I am under attack from ???

I have the power to heal though and I am trying everything in my power to do so physically, mentally and emotionally. Yet I am doubtful of the medication I am on right now, especially the anti-anxiety meds I am taking which don’t seem to work when I am under pressure. And I am tired of the akathesia (constant movement) a side effect from the Risperdal which I can’t sleep without. Appointment coming up with pdoc so will again address the Risperdal and see about maybe taking xanax.

I need to count my blessings as they are many, but am obsessed over many things I cannot control which cause me much sadness.

Praying for all of you!

peace love light and joy

Victoria

More late night musings…

A good and bad day,

my mom is coming to the party tomorrow so I am cleaning every nook and cranny which is great because I only do this when she is coming over. It’s fun! Things weren’t too bad because my daughter does a great job and I keep up and do a deep cleaning every few months.

I’m smelling orchids blooming as I type. It’s wonderful! They are for my daughter who is very spoiled by me, her best friend and her boyfriend ha ha ha. But she knows it and is quite proud! It’s been her birthday all month and tomorrow her birthday party and Father’s Day party to boot! Cooking two dinners. OK I might be manic today.

I just decided I am going to go with my mom when I pick her up to see my dad and then head to the party at my house.

I even put string lights up in the garden and I am quite pleased. I’m so bad with posting pics but would rather describe it and spend my computer time blogging…

Getting tired, Risperdal is kicking in.

Oh and Monday II get the results of my biopsy. Whatever…

I am not surprised at anything lately. So much good but it is mixed with sadness over my dad living on a prayer and my mental health and now physical health problems. I’ll face it when I know but thanks for any prayers!

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Schizophrenia blog after a break…

This is after all my personal recovery from schizophrenia. Lately been sharing about conquering DID disorder and it is going well but tonight something came up so had to share.

I was visiting with a close family member and she was sharing how she had heard a voice telling her something that came true. I asked her if it was God. She immediately said let’s not get you started. She thinks I am broken. I feel that I am not but this stigmatization of her referring to my many perceived messages from God as being bad or something…

I do not doubt that God has spoken to me, I am just not sure of which times. Was it real when I was 8 and clearly heard the words, “you are special”. And then given the gift of schizophrenia at age 36? To do what I do not know yet and that is ok…

But why do others perceive their experiences as real when I do not get that luxury. Kinda mad at the unfairness.

I do have schizoaffecctive disorder. That much is sure. But are the antipshychotics (I take two) what I really need? I cannot sleep withhout the Risperdal 2mg and the Latuda helps with the negative symptoms. But the Risperdal causes so many side affects: weight gain, akathesia (need to constantly be moving or tucked in), sleepless without it, lethargy in the am… I think that’s it. And the Latuda causes so much anxiety…

I need to talk to my pdoc. I have my $300 appointment with him in July which is close.

We shall seee

Wishing you all a wonderful weekend.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

what is going on?…

drrama never ends over here! much today…latest incident i hit my hand on the door and now icing it so typing with my left hand ha ha i am addicted to blogging

mild food poisoning twice, my mom is upset with me and problems with a close family member mentally who is hospitalized and it may be DID disorder…wow

are these days to be considered normal, is anyone else seeing a spike in mental health crisises in families? I sure am and I am one of them. I didn’t share my own difficulties with my daughter in law but did share what I could and was glad to talk to my son too and offer support when I am falling apart. They can’t ever know because I want them to count on me as the very best grandma I can be. They don’t need to hear my drama. I don’t want to hear my drama. If I’m still falling apart come October when the baby is due, I will have to tell them. But they are counting on me to babysit and today I can barely take care of myself and my pups…

All I want is peace and quiet. One day though as the music is blaring to a very quiet empty house…

Typing with both hands now, hand feeling better after icing it but looks like I damaged a blood vessel in two parts of my hand.

Super excited to share that I am back reading again! I started reading a new book called “How to do the work” by author Nichole LePera and following her on instagram. Her handle is holistic psychologist (3.9 million followers!) and I really am into the book, which is also available on Audible. I got the book from Safe Haven and am finding it more helpful than therapy the bit I have read. We shall see…

I’m not happy entirely with my new therapist. She has helped some to sort through some stuff from my childhood but I find her forgetful and distracted.

Anyway, doing the best I can with what I’ve been given. I have many gifts to share and I do when I can. Little ways, big ways, a kind smile under the mask (both kinds of masks).

But I have figured something out from the book I started today~

My busyness I thought was a reflection on how I am doing,

but I have learned today that it is not.

It is a distraction from dealing with unhealed childhood trauma.

I am really thinking about this and I hope it makes sense. Today I have not been able to be busy due to food poisining and today has sucked until tonight. I thrive at night. At least I got the dishes done! My hand is throbbing right now.

I also just received the book recommended by one of my faithful followers (thanks again), called You will Never be Normal. It’s out in my mailbox. I love getting new books that sometimes resonate with me and if they don’t I don’t finish them.

Why can’t life be this simple. On page everything is nice and tidy but life sure can be messy.

Glad I am good at figuring things out!

peace love light and joy

Victoria