what is going on?…

drrama never ends over here! much today…latest incident i hit my hand on the door and now icing it so typing with my left hand ha ha i am addicted to blogging

mild food poisoning twice, my mom is upset with me and problems with a close family member mentally who is hospitalized and it may be DID disorder…wow

are these days to be considered normal, is anyone else seeing a spike in mental health crisises in families? I sure am and I am one of them. I didn’t share my own difficulties with my daughter in law but did share what I could and was glad to talk to my son too and offer support when I am falling apart. They can’t ever know because I want them to count on me as the very best grandma I can be. They don’t need to hear my drama. I don’t want to hear my drama. If I’m still falling apart come October when the baby is due, I will have to tell them. But they are counting on me to babysit and today I can barely take care of myself and my pups…

All I want is peace and quiet. One day though as the music is blaring to a very quiet empty house…

Typing with both hands now, hand feeling better after icing it but looks like I damaged a blood vessel in two parts of my hand.

Super excited to share that I am back reading again! I started reading a new book called “How to do the work” by author Nichole LePera and following her on instagram. Her handle is holistic psychologist (3.9 million followers!) and I really am into the book, which is also available on Audible. I got the book from Safe Haven and am finding it more helpful than therapy the bit I have read. We shall see…

I’m not happy entirely with my new therapist. She has helped some to sort through some stuff from my childhood but I find her forgetful and distracted.

Anyway, doing the best I can with what I’ve been given. I have many gifts to share and I do when I can. Little ways, big ways, a kind smile under the mask (both kinds of masks).

But I have figured something out from the book I started today~

My busyness I thought was a reflection on how I am doing,

but I have learned today that it is not.

It is a distraction from dealing with unhealed childhood trauma.

I am really thinking about this and I hope it makes sense. Today I have not been able to be busy due to food poisining and today has sucked until tonight. I thrive at night. At least I got the dishes done! My hand is throbbing right now.

I also just received the book recommended by one of my faithful followers (thanks again), called You will Never be Normal. It’s out in my mailbox. I love getting new books that sometimes resonate with me and if they don’t I don’t finish them.

Why can’t life be this simple. On page everything is nice and tidy but life sure can be messy.

Glad I am good at figuring things out!

peace love light and joy

Victoria

I am I said to no one there…fighting DID disorder!

I am so much. Yet at times “I am lost and I can’t even say why”.~Neil Diamond. The pain is always there but at times it is lessened due to the many joys in my life right now along with these dastard disorders.

DID disorder is a real thing. Some people doubt, even professionals, but I don’t having met someone with it and myself now. I am seeking integration, which basically means I am hoping to consolidate all my parts into one, just me. But it is complex and I have decided to do inner child work instead of working with a DID therapist because of the cost.

I guess this is a little bit of my blog for the month on DID (dissociative identity disorder). Now that things have settled down on the home front I am back to confronting my demons with all the courage I can muster to fight DID disorder. It takes great courage for me to look at myself as a child. Most people with DID disorder have childhood trauma and in my case it was emotional abuse and emotional neglect that caused these parts to emerge as a coping mechinism.

I believe that I was an empath or hsp (highly sensitive person) from birth, especially as I remember pictures of me as a young child. But not receiving the love and attention from my mom who was my main caregiver caused me tremendous pain even to this day. My sister fared much better; my brother not as bad as me. My dad when he was around (he worked a lot) was my sunshine and still is today:)

It’s interesting though how so much of my childhood is coming back to me through various channells. Music, childhood friends, memories of tv shows especially the Fonze eehhhhhh, and a group chat on Facebook for my grammar school. My parents did their best, that much I know and I love them both dearly and am so glad they are both still alive today.

The song I quoted above is yes another Neil Diamond song I just love. It conveys so much meaning I will share it here for anyone in the mood for some great music. It is called~ I am I said~ and you can listen to it here.

Where would I be without my music?

pax

Victoria

Happy National Schizophrenia here in the USA~Special celebration blog…

I celebrate because I have not taken my life. I may be like the moon evermoving but yet always there for me, my readers and all my loved ones. I choose life over death and actually enjoyed my day despite more drama around me.

I am puppy sitting for my son and daughter in law who are pregnant, due in October! Zelda is 9 months and is huge as it is a golden lab. I love Zelda and am training her. I have her two weeks and we are already making progess nicely…

But it has upset my routine but I find myself today and yesterday open to new interactions, today talked to a gal at Safe Haven and we always enjoy each others conversation. Today we discovered we both have acting pasts. I am going to hopefully attend a new drama class that should be fun!

We have to have fun when we can because otherwise life would be too dreary. I listen to upbeat music and my latest obsession is Neil Diamond. So far I love these songs all on Youtube. Cherry cherry, Beautiful noise, you are the sun I am the moon, Holly Holy, Girl youre gonna be a woman soon and more. His concerts are the best and he led such an interesting life it is fun to get to know him through his audience performances. He actually danced with Princess Diana!

Anyway, bottom line~ Having Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder sucks at times but by reaching out and getting help in 2008, I changed the course of my life. I was psychotic for two years. It was a strange scary and exciting time. Religion was everything to me. And that is all I shall say about my experience with Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder. If you are interested feel free to use the search engine next to the left of my blog title especially the Gift and my bio.

Thank you all for the likes and positive comments and emails. This journey that I have been blogging about my personal recovery from schizophrenia (9 years now) really has been fun and interesting getting to know all of you whether I read your blogs for a while or we corresponded at one point. I look forward to the next 9 years.

pax

Victoria

My never ending tool kit for those kind of days….

After my last episode, I decided to develop a toolkit of sorts so that the next time that I am not ok I can refer to this list and remember what helped last time. I am doing this in question format so that the sane me can help the future me that might not be ok;) Feel free to reblog or use at your pleasure. No credit is needed.

Are your basic needs met? Hygiene, food, water, coffee, little sugar, warm enough, comforts in proper order?

Are you cold? Take a shower or bath depending on the time of day and my energy level as baths take much more energy and time.

Are you bored? Can you go garden as it gives you so much pleasure? Dress warm or wear a hat and put on your gardening shoes. Just watering, or deadheading the flowers or soaking up the sun…

Have you checked in with your support team? Which for me is now growing and I am always looking for new people to add that I can help or they can help me. An old friend I have known for ten years and who has seen me at my best and at my worst without any judgment came over today and we spent time in my garden.

This is the beginning of my list. And I will be adding more tomorrow as it is a special day!~

It is National Schizophrenia Day tomorrow May 24th so I will be posting a special post in memory for all who suffer from Schizophrenia or Loved ones and for those who help us and those who fight for us against the stigma especially.

peace, love light and joy

Victoria

The importance of a support team…

Ten oclock here and it has been a rough day, week on many levels. When I do not blog it is because I just cannot share my pain here even or I am traveling, which is usually planned.

I am struggling again and I do not know why. I begged the heavens for help. Already met with my therapist for another matter and then something else in family sprung up. The sister of my husband suffered an episode this week and had to be hospitalized. Thank God she is getting help but I have not been ok this week so as I was trying to help my husband get her help I was like to myself that I need help too! But I cannot share with him when I am like this so even though he asked I said I was fine. I dont want to burden anybody ever. I try not to have drama…

An angel came to my aid today in the form of my daughter again. She still lives with me but will be moving out soon which is good but will miss her happy presence all day as she works from home mostly. I waited until she got done with work and said those words to her that I have been saying to myself. ~I am not ok and havent been for several days. She knew what to do and offered suggestions.

I have not been exercising this week because life has been so crazy. I exercised and felt better soon after. I did not reach for the bottle but did eat some sugar. I ran out of my chocolate stash this week and was craving wine. Wine does not help when I am not ok and my daughter reminded me.

This took courage to reach out to somebody and I am giving myself props for leaning on my support team. If things dont get better soon will reach out to my pdoc but for now am going to not let life get in the way of exercise. I read somewhere that you should spend at least 20 minutes outdoors a day and on busy days at least an hour. Getting outside and exercising for just 10 minutes lifted my mood and was able to do some housework and finally blog all this off my chest…

I wonder sometimes if I want to know the future especially when I have hard days coming. I do not but need to be better prepared for when I am not feeling ok…

peace love light and joy to all of you

Victoria

Depression…May series 2021

“When I get depressed it is like black blinders covering my eyes, I can see a very narrow light that is inaccessible” Susan from my stay in UCLA back in Jan 2008.

Susan was my friend during my stay (hospitalization) and I learned very valuable lessons from her as my own depression set in. I learned not to say that they didn’t look depressed because often people with depression are good at masking it; I know I am. At the end of our weeklong visit (joking) at UCLA she wore a yellow shirt (as opposed to her usual darker color choices) and I commented she must be feeling better. She scoffed not at me but that she wasn’t. She was receiving ect (electorconvulsive therapy) for hard to treat depression and I never know what happened to her but I still think of her a lot as I am currently in a very depressed state and wearing almost all black.

My depression situatuional has lifted becaus3e I cannot stand the grief. I am doing things that help and do not hurt me. Depression is very dark for me but I choose joy! Life cannot always be happy and I am learning this.

This is my feeble attempt at sharing during this splendid month.

I choose life, I choose joy, I choose all that is good.

Tomorrow will reveal more.

Excited for a new day of possibilties~

peace, love light and joy

victoria

I choose my future…

Again music comes to my aid.

Goodbye Yellow Brick Road by Sarah Bareilles feat Elton John

This song speaks to me tonight as I ponder my future and that of my loved ones. I have to be ok bottom line. There are bad people out there and I cannot protect the world. I have tried. My God knows.

I am fighting depression even deeper than before. But I choose to end the suffering, the angst, the powerlessness. I choose to fight for good in any way I can. I wont apologize. I wont even think. I will just do it. Unrepentant.

Fighting for my mental health during May Mental Health Awareness Month during a very strange time in this world. Where fear meets its enemy, hope.

I have hope now. I have hope for better days. I have hope for my family and all my loved ones and the world. Most importantly I have hope for myself. I can choose to let thoughts about what I cannot control not consume me. I choose to fight for myself and my loved ones. Something needs to change and I am ready. I don’t want to know the future. I am glad I dont.

Computer is acting up!

More tomorrow

peace, love light and joy

Victoria

A story about a frog part two!

My first part of this story got more views than usual so damn technology! I’m using my phone to bring you Harry the frog 🐸 who has been spreading much joy! I hope it comes through.

This frog I named Harry gives me hope that this too shall pass. Today I shared with my husband the cost of ongoing therapy and he was ok with it! He doesn’t understand mental health but knows I struggle so this was huge and he is gladly paying for it.

Harry reminds me of how something so little can be so significant to me and the others I have shared him with.

I am sending this picture to Neil diamond because that’s what fans have done because of his song about a frog who becomes a king. His 🐸 room is filled up but hope he has room for one more of his newest fans gifts.

Much anxiety today about traveling tomorrow but I feel safe with my husband so all will be well!

sorry frog didn’t come through, will get my son to help soooonn…

Peace love light and joy 🥲

Victoria

A story about a frog…

Soooo it has been a very hard weekend although I had a lovely day of relaxing with my adult children….

I volunteered at our local farm and met a frog (or two). I even took a picture of Harold (yes I named him and Harry for short) but because of technical issues with my new laptop can’t post it. I was so happy to be gardening with froggies. I enjoyed it so much that I am going back Tuesday to finish what I started…

Back to the frog. I have been obsessed with Jason Mraz and pretty much only listen to him. Well I found a new old singer that I am listening to right now singing “Sweet Caroline”, yes it is Neil Diamond and he sings about a frog becoming a king or prince. I am blown away again by a God shot like this. Thank you Neil Diamond for so many years of great music and I just found you! He is still alive, I think he is 80. I need a vinyl but I love his concerts the most. I am sending him a picture of the frog I met; he has a whole room dedicated to frogs called his frogatorium! One more is on the way.

So why did this mean so much? Because I know I need help and yes it is on the way but I am here now and the only thing that helps is to be busy and music. And I really needed a break from Jason, sorry man, I’m your biggest fan but need a bit of a break. Neil Diamond is providing that along with a few others, Simon & Garfunkel too! Music helps me so much.

So Harry I hope you are well and will visit me again on Tuesday.

For now I am simply doing the very best I can with what God has given me.

I am traveling this week so don’t think I will be blogging much but back by Friday for my assessment with my new therapist.

peace llove light and joy

Victoria

Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder May Series 2021…

Welcome to the first blog of this year’s way I am celebrating May Mental Health Awareness Month by doing a series on the many facets to my disorder, some of which is questionable, but alas that it for another day.

My name is Victoria Marie Alonso and I diagnosed myself with Schizophrenia later to be confirmed by a team of doctors at UCLA in 2008 (my delusions said it had to be a team because I was so special) with the first psychotic break at age 36 in 2006. If you want to read about how I received the gift of Schizophrenia click here. Meds helped stop the messages I was receiving daily (from I thought to be from heaven) right away. I sought help because the messages were interfering with my daily functioning as a mother and wife. I actually thought my husband was going to die later that year. It was quite a distressing and scary time. Gratefully he did not die! I was wrong about many prophecies and messages but not all so it is still a confusing 2 years of very strange occurrences, voices, messages, thought insertion and grandiose delusions plus paranoia after leaving UCLA.

My psychiatrist who I saw after 7 day terrible stay at UCLA (but met some cool friends) is the same one I have had since being diagnosed. He and I questioned the validity of the need for meds because I was doing so well, so I went off them under his care after a few months. Things did not go well; I became suicidal and severely depressed so was rehospitalized for 3 days at a great psychatric ward under my pdoc’s care who fine-tuned my diagnosis to Schizoaffective Disorder. I restabilized and have not tried to go off my meds again. I have not heard voices since 2007 and very rarely any messages except when God wants to touch down.

Post-diagnosis I received my Bachelor’s in Sociology 2010 and Master’s in Psychology in 2012. School was easy but working proved difficult in the mental health field. I suppose I was still in some sort of denial about my abilities to manage stress but did end up helping many families while I worked as therapist intern from 2011 till 2015. Stress took me out though and I have been on permanent disability since 2015. I have tried to work a few times but having a boss does not agree with me, so I write and manage a few properties we own (buying).

2018 was my third and last hospitalization. Stress in my marriage and suicidal again. Things are good now thank goodness!

For the most part my Schizoaffective Disorder is managed quite well. Still some delusions and false prophecies so I don’t try anymore and am able to just ignore messages if they involve prophecies. Depression has crept back in though but willl be adressing that in another blog this month.

A few readers have asked me what the difference is between Schizophrenia and Schizoaffective disorder. Basically Schizoaffective Disorder is Schizophrenia (loss of touch with reality with positive, negative and cognitive symptoms) plus mood disorder, manic (which I love when it comes mostly) or depressive (currently in this phase).

What does the DSM have to say about these disorders for those interested in the latest developments in research? It is controversial in some arenas due to its empahasis on medicinal intervention but I feel that it has much value due to the combined effort of experts.

First, what is the DSM and what is it used for? ” The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM–5) is the product of more than 10 years of effort by hundreds of international experts in all aspects of mental health.” America Psychiatric Association. “The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) is the handbook used by health care professionals in the United States and much of the world as the authoritative guide to the diagnosis of mental disorders. DSM contains descriptions, symptoms, and other criteria for diagnosing mental disorders.” resource here.

Here is what the DSM-5 says about Schizophrenia- The presence of 2 (or more) of the following, each present for a significant portion of time during a 1-month period (or less if successfully treated), with at least 1 of them being (1), (2), or (3): (1) delusions, (2) hallucinations, (3) disorganized speech, (4) grossly disorganized or catatonic behavior, and (5) negative symptoms

In referring to the positive symptoms, negative symptoms and cognitive symptoms, positive symptoms include 1- delusions 2- hallucinations (auditory, visual, tactile, olfactory (smell)); while negative symptoms are the more neglected symptoms that people with either disorder, Schizophrenia or Schizoaffective, deal with.

I have already written much about negative symptoms so feel free to search this blog using search feature to left of my title and a bunch of blogs will come up but this one stands out the most to me- Dealing with the negative symptoms of Schizophrenia which explains in more detail what they are. I am taking gingko now and have seen a tremendous difference in negative symptoms especially with completing tasks. Things are much clearer and helps me to get shit done!!!

Now for Schizoaffective Disorder and the DSM-5. The specific DSM5 criteria for schizoaffective disorder are as follows[1]: A. An uninterrupted duration of illness during which there is a major mood episode (manic or depressive) in addition to criterion A for schizophrenia; the major depressive episode must include depressed mood.

I qualify!

Hope this was helpful! For an informational video about Schizophrenia by CureSZ my favorite Schizophrenia non-profit check it out here!

Next exploring, explaining depression.

peace, love light and joy

Victoria