Update: getting used to deep emotions and finding a good balance on new medicine…

Unfolding before me is a new lease on life thanks to Clozapine.  Since increasing my dosage to 50 mg I have had an increased sense of balance and well being.  I see my psychiatrist next week and am so glad to have a good report.

Getting used to my feelings without drowning them in vices…

Closer to God than ever.  I pray the rosary every day and even now it has new meaning.  Time with God and Mary and all the wonderful saints.

I am willing to continue this new life.  I have been connecting with family too which is awesome.  Family is everything to me.  My friends are right there too though.  It is good to have both really.

Life is so wonderful!  I feel more like my old self every day.  Hate to go to bed lol.




Beyond the yellow brick road….

I so desperately want this medicine to work.  I find myself fantasizing that I am no longer ill, but stable and able to hold down a job even if it’s an easy one.  I dream of the day when this disorder no longer controls me.


So far the new medicine is helping with:

connecting to family God and friends more and feeling deep emotions

I am hungrier again (gotta watch that one, don’t want to regain all my weight)

no longer delusional, don’t believe I am the greatest person to ever live anymore.  What a relief!

using music as a major coping skill while I sift through the laziness or drowsiness caused by the new and old med

How I am still suffering

unmotivated at times to do the simplest of tasks

feeling overmedicated being on three antipsychotic meds

poor memory, and judgement

question every decision many times


May God bless you all as He has me!



The waiting game…

Hello to all!

One week on Clozapine now and much is going on while I wait to increase it next week and then slowly wean off my other medications.  I have high hopes that I will be much better on this medication.  It has been a long emotional week and then some depression set in today, mild though.  Anxiety was at its peak yesterday and there was nothing to stress me out.  I don’t like that but did have a job interview scheduled for today which I canceled until next week.  I am pretty much praying for a miracle.  It is a job I have always wanted but I might not be ready yet with the adjustments so I am taking it day by day and will decide next week if I am at a better place to work again.

So so far it is a waiting game.

Being mentally disordered sucks!!!!!!


Vi ctoria

a sad post…..medication helping to feel deep emotions

Today I saw my dad…..he is paralyzed on his left side after two strokes last year July 2, 2016.

He is not always coherent but today was priceless…

I just love my dad so so much and miss our long visits over coffee with him going on and on about whatever was on his mind, advice, observations, secret holder my dad!

I told him I was hearing voices of Jesus and he never told till later after my life unraveled.  I could trust him with anything and everything and trust him I did…

but no more and this makes me so sad…he almost died twice and yet he is still with us in this new limited capacity… but I will take it God, I accept he will never be back to where he was before, so today was special.

We sat by a fountain at the care facility where he lives and called a few people and then he began to just talk to me…in a low but clear voice, advising me as he once did with words from the gospel to be Jesus’ sheep.  we sat a while…and then he was done.

I have been taking Clozapine now for 3 days and I have not felt such deep emotions for a very long time….Can’t wait until it is increased and I can stop taking my other anti-psychotics!

Hope you all are doing well!




Times are tough… yet thank you to all!

First had to quit my job, too stressful at a busy store.  Also, my mom needs my help right now after her knee surgery.  But I like to work so I am not going to give up on getting a lower stress part time job:)

Been getting a lot of emails lately though which really helps me to get out of my own life and work at expanding knowledge of this dastard disorder!  I am going to be doing an interview with Health360 along with Josh Rivedal whose book I wrote a chapter in, along with 49 other mentally afflicted individuals.  The book IM’possible Project  comes out in November so that is perfect timing for an interview.  I like doing them, voice only though, no camera for me.

I also connected with a lovely lady whose story I have known about for years but we finally connected today and it was great to talk to someone else who has gone through recovery from this disorder…  Very refreshing and the beginning of what I think will be a great friendship.  If you want to know her story check it out at:


And here is a link to her nonprofit, the CURESZ Foundation: https://curesz.org/

The great part about keeping a blog for so many years is that it comes in waves working with others either with others afflicted, or researchers and students, and can’t forget about the loved ones who suffer as much as us if not more because most of them are mothers but also include sisters too.  I am feeling nostalgic.  There have been some great memories with this blog.  I don’t regret one post and appreciate every like and comment:)  I answer all my emails and though we may part ways down the road I hope we are both richer for the connection…



Reentering the workforce very slowly…

Happy Saturday and weekend to all!

I am chilling with Jason Mraz but will get busy soon as I have a lot on my list of things to do…

I start my new very part time job on Tuesday, working ten hours for Macy’s, training this week for twelve hours and then ability to work more hours after that.  I am kind of excited though and love the fact that I get to wear all my nice fashionable work clothes again which I saved.

Working even 40 hours at minimum wage will not affect my permanent disability which I should find out soon if I qualify or not.  God’s will be done in all things though.  If I don’t get it I will have to really think about what I am going to do with my time…  Not too worried, it all somehow works out in the end always anyways.

Here is my list of things to do today~

Make lavendar goat soap

Give the dogs a bath

eat lunch

visit my mom in the hospital

visit my dad at extended care

Walmart for prescription and return


Walk 30 minutes


Home to downsize file cabinet and get bedroom ready for all new furniture my husband’s sister is giving us!

Whew!  Hope I get it all done but if not there is always tomorrow…and with that I will leave my readers with an Irish blessing!

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face;
the rains fall soft upon your fields
and until we meet again,
may God hold you in the palm of His hand.



A very stressful day but made it, glad for a new day though…

Yesterday was very hard and long for me.  My mom had knee replacement surgery and had to be there at 5:45 am, I didn’t sleep much the night before in fact stayed up late to hang out with my 18 yr old son….

So the day was spent waiting for her to come out of surgery and she is frail mind you so there was that scare.  But she did better than fine.  The surgery was three hours though and had to wait a while to see her in recovery.  Some other stressful things to help her get settled but I got through it and went to bed at 9:00pm last night and slept in till 9.

Today is a new day and I am happy to report she is walking around a little with little pain and a very cheery countenance!

I am glad for new days especially after a hard day like yesterday.  Makes me appreciate things more.  Little things like my ice water and lavendar scents make me happy.  Gardened a little today, watering and prepping for new fall plants.

I have my other hobbies as well such as cleaning my house in depth.  Got my list and getting through it one project at a time.  Even painted some indoors to spruce things up.

My other hobbies (goat soap making and other natural products) and collaging are there too when I get done with the deep cleaning of my house and the gardening and yuck weeding out front.

We might be having a party over here in October so my husband is doing his part getting the yards looking good and getting rid of trash and junk!  We have been married 25 years and although he doesn’t really understand my mental disorder, he is there for me in other ways like leaving me be yesterday for the most part when I was just done with the day!

Hope everyone has a good end of September as October is right around the corner, birthday time soon!  48 years young!!!