End of May thoughts…

Let June come quickly, and already is in some parts of this big world; yet I feel more connected now after seeing all the different countries visiting my blog, some of which I have never heard of which is amazing. The web can be used for good so for that I am grateful.

It is the end of mental health month, but let not our journey end there. Let us continue to educate ourselves and support one another on this journey of the unknown and I will hang on for this ride. Oh, I do soar at times and certainly appreciate when they come. But far and between lately…

I had my first session with a DID disorder therapist today and it went well although there were 3 interruptions! I talked a lot, wow, it was good to get it all off my chest. The stress, the joys, the mundane all wrapped up into 45 minutes with mostly me talking. She did say the prognosis is good and said why but she also was able to witness one of my alters when my son interrupted me for something important, and then when my son’s dog escaped, she got to talk to Francis the hardworker. One thing I liked was that she listened and let me talk.

I was so nervous thinking I was going to be talking about my childhood. She met me where I was at and it was over so quick. Because of the prognosis I am feeling better about my life. Hope for better days and integration.

I haven’t been able to blog the past few days, a few drafts, but too much thinking over the weekend over what my new therapist would ask me. I visited my dad, which went great, and then took a long drive with my fave lately, Neil Diamond. Saturday was 5 hours at the pet urgent care with my son’s dog, who is huge. My dog bit off a chunk of my son’s dog in a fight over a bone. Stressful to say the least. But today was mellow and was ablle to clean up the messy house from the busy weekend. Feels good.

Thank you all!

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Living in the moment I am…

Being mentally unwell means many things to me…

It is a game I play when I am not at my best. I make lists of the most simple tasks and some not so simple. I tackle them in the order I set them up and play through the day with times of relaxation when I’m not panicking. Yesterday was a panic day; today was getting stuff done despite how I felt.

I don’t always push through but I happen to be puppy sitting a huge 9 month old yellow lab, my son’s dog, for two weeks, who is unruly but very sweet. I am trying to train her but we shall see. Anyway, it is that I have to have the house managed right now; I have to be there for my parents right now; I have to take care of my needs; I have to be strong for my youngest and all my children even though they are all adults.

I choose this today. Tomorrow I might not. Just being honest as usual.

It also means that I have to really plan my meals so I don’t eat junk all day or nothing preferrably. I don’t have much of an appetite lately due to my situational depression and anxiety. But then again I think I am killing myself with my vices. Coffee and nicotine are ever by my side throughout the day. Never when I blog though…and always my reward. afterwards.

When I blog, I get into a groove. I like to do it in one sitting but alas distractions are ever before me.

Being ok is elusive for me at times, it hides itself from me. I try to fix it myself but this new therapist I need to help me with integrating. I tried it on my own and have found supression of my many identiies to be too stressful. Monday can’t come soon enough for the assessment and her reccomendations for what to do next. I am remaininig probably in supression mode for now because it is safest.

I do remember the kind words of my favorite musician Jason Mraz to the effect~ when you don’t know something just be where your feet are

and for me that is living in the moment…

Thanks for reading my ramblings tonight.

As ever

peace love light and joy to all of you

Victoria

I am I said to no one there…fighting DID disorder!

I am so much. Yet at times “I am lost and I can’t even say why”.~Neil Diamond. The pain is always there but at times it is lessened due to the many joys in my life right now along with these dastard disorders.

DID disorder is a real thing. Some people doubt, even professionals, but I don’t having met someone with it and myself now. I am seeking integration, which basically means I am hoping to consolidate all my parts into one, just me. But it is complex and I have decided to do inner child work instead of working with a DID therapist because of the cost.

I guess this is a little bit of my blog for the month on DID (dissociative identity disorder). Now that things have settled down on the home front I am back to confronting my demons with all the courage I can muster to fight DID disorder. It takes great courage for me to look at myself as a child. Most people with DID disorder have childhood trauma and in my case it was emotional abuse and emotional neglect that caused these parts to emerge as a coping mechinism.

I believe that I was an empath or hsp (highly sensitive person) from birth, especially as I remember pictures of me as a young child. But not receiving the love and attention from my mom who was my main caregiver caused me tremendous pain even to this day. My sister fared much better; my brother not as bad as me. My dad when he was around (he worked a lot) was my sunshine and still is today:)

It’s interesting though how so much of my childhood is coming back to me through various channells. Music, childhood friends, memories of tv shows especially the Fonze eehhhhhh, and a group chat on Facebook for my grammar school. My parents did their best, that much I know and I love them both dearly and am so glad they are both still alive today.

The song I quoted above is yes another Neil Diamond song I just love. It conveys so much meaning I will share it here for anyone in the mood for some great music. It is called~ I am I said~ and you can listen to it here.

Where would I be without my music?

pax

Victoria

Happy National Schizophrenia here in the USA~Special celebration blog…

I celebrate because I have not taken my life. I may be like the moon evermoving but yet always there for me, my readers and all my loved ones. I choose life over death and actually enjoyed my day despite more drama around me.

I am puppy sitting for my son and daughter in law who are pregnant, due in October! Zelda is 9 months and is huge as it is a golden lab. I love Zelda and am training her. I have her two weeks and we are already making progess nicely…

But it has upset my routine but I find myself today and yesterday open to new interactions, today talked to a gal at Safe Haven and we always enjoy each others conversation. Today we discovered we both have acting pasts. I am going to hopefully attend a new drama class that should be fun!

We have to have fun when we can because otherwise life would be too dreary. I listen to upbeat music and my latest obsession is Neil Diamond. So far I love these songs all on Youtube. Cherry cherry, Beautiful noise, you are the sun I am the moon, Holly Holy, Girl youre gonna be a woman soon and more. His concerts are the best and he led such an interesting life it is fun to get to know him through his audience performances. He actually danced with Princess Diana!

Anyway, bottom line~ Having Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder sucks at times but by reaching out and getting help in 2008, I changed the course of my life. I was psychotic for two years. It was a strange scary and exciting time. Religion was everything to me. And that is all I shall say about my experience with Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder. If you are interested feel free to use the search engine next to the left of my blog title especially the Gift and my bio.

Thank you all for the likes and positive comments and emails. This journey that I have been blogging about my personal recovery from schizophrenia (9 years now) really has been fun and interesting getting to know all of you whether I read your blogs for a while or we corresponded at one point. I look forward to the next 9 years.

pax

Victoria

My never ending tool kit for those kind of days….

After my last episode, I decided to develop a toolkit of sorts so that the next time that I am not ok I can refer to this list and remember what helped last time. I am doing this in question format so that the sane me can help the future me that might not be ok;) Feel free to reblog or use at your pleasure. No credit is needed.

Are your basic needs met? Hygiene, food, water, coffee, little sugar, warm enough, comforts in proper order?

Are you cold? Take a shower or bath depending on the time of day and my energy level as baths take much more energy and time.

Are you bored? Can you go garden as it gives you so much pleasure? Dress warm or wear a hat and put on your gardening shoes. Just watering, or deadheading the flowers or soaking up the sun…

Have you checked in with your support team? Which for me is now growing and I am always looking for new people to add that I can help or they can help me. An old friend I have known for ten years and who has seen me at my best and at my worst without any judgment came over today and we spent time in my garden.

This is the beginning of my list. And I will be adding more tomorrow as it is a special day!~

It is National Schizophrenia Day tomorrow May 24th so I will be posting a special post in memory for all who suffer from Schizophrenia or Loved ones and for those who help us and those who fight for us against the stigma especially.

peace, love light and joy

Victoria

Ahh a new day…

Yesterday I am writing off as just a bad day for me mentally. They happen…

Several days but who is counting.

Bottom line I reached out for help, simply saying~I am not ok to my daughter and her whisk into action. My saviour. I normally would have my best friend to help balance me out but alas we are still not talking. A text here and there expressing our love but knowing the memorial coming up causes me to wish to reach out to her. I pray for a sign but it is so complicated as most things in my life.

When one is a people pleaser life can often get messy. I try to please everyone even myself. I do not burn out often but this week was just too much I guess and I needed a break and a bit of exercise yesterday, which lifted me up and much more today, gardening and cleaning all day with breaks. I got a sunburn gardening but I do not mind because it helps me remember how good it feels again to start to enjoy a hobby.

I read a quote recently that said~ choose courage over comfort~ I choose both because I have to. One good thing that is coming out of this latest episode is that I am learning to set boundaries. Today for example, I was going to get food for my husband and his workers/friends and I told him it would be a while because (didnt explain to him though) I was perusing my local record store for some new vinlys, yes, my latest obsession, Neil Diamond! It took longer than I anticipated as I was having such a hard time deciding because there were so many! I am going back tomorrow!

I am learning from my sister who lost her husband in November to think ahead. Not doom and gloom, but preparedness for possible triggers. For her it is her grief; for me it is being stable. I am going to be a grandma. I have to be ok. I do not pressure myself though but feel I am making progress with 10 steps ahead and 3 steps back. At least I am getting somewhere, where I do not know.

But it was a good day! Not just because I got a lot done, I got a lot done because I felt better after sharing my difficutlities. I hope and pray all of you have more people than I do to rely on. I am down to my daughter, my mom (limited)) and my newest friend from Safe Haven who calls or emails the days she is working. Poor thing, my life is crazy. The ups and downs of the last few weeks has been incredible and she is my main go to lately. I also have my new old therapist. We are supposed to start inner child work this week. Wish me luck! I like her and she knows much of my pain and grief and is experrienced in dealing with traumatic childhoods.

May is almost over! I havent met my goal to blog about mental health awareness month as much as I had planned but life. I have to take care of me and share as I am able. No apologies, no regrets.

Have hope dear readers and I bid you well wishes of peace love light and joy

Victoria

The importance of a support team…

Ten oclock here and it has been a rough day, week on many levels. When I do not blog it is because I just cannot share my pain here even or I am traveling, which is usually planned.

I am struggling again and I do not know why. I begged the heavens for help. Already met with my therapist for another matter and then something else in family sprung up. The sister of my husband suffered an episode this week and had to be hospitalized. Thank God she is getting help but I have not been ok this week so as I was trying to help my husband get her help I was like to myself that I need help too! But I cannot share with him when I am like this so even though he asked I said I was fine. I dont want to burden anybody ever. I try not to have drama…

An angel came to my aid today in the form of my daughter again. She still lives with me but will be moving out soon which is good but will miss her happy presence all day as she works from home mostly. I waited until she got done with work and said those words to her that I have been saying to myself. ~I am not ok and havent been for several days. She knew what to do and offered suggestions.

I have not been exercising this week because life has been so crazy. I exercised and felt better soon after. I did not reach for the bottle but did eat some sugar. I ran out of my chocolate stash this week and was craving wine. Wine does not help when I am not ok and my daughter reminded me.

This took courage to reach out to somebody and I am giving myself props for leaning on my support team. If things dont get better soon will reach out to my pdoc but for now am going to not let life get in the way of exercise. I read somewhere that you should spend at least 20 minutes outdoors a day and on busy days at least an hour. Getting outside and exercising for just 10 minutes lifted my mood and was able to do some housework and finally blog all this off my chest…

I wonder sometimes if I want to know the future especially when I have hard days coming. I do not but need to be better prepared for when I am not feeling ok…

peace love light and joy to all of you

Victoria

Cant say how I really feel…

Oh I can rant and rave how much mental health disorders suck and tell it to fuck off, but I will not.

I choose joy…

I choose life over death…

I choose to take my meds every day no matter what…

I choose therapy when I have no one else to turn to…

This is how I manage my mental health disorder. I try things out and when they do not work out I switch gears and try from another angle or choose to do something different. It is all about trial and error really. What may work for me may not work for another; or it may. This is why I blog~

I blog because it is a release of my pent up thoughts which are ever with me. My mind has a disorder but I am able to lift myself out of it sometimes briefly sometimes longer and do things that are hard, painful and things that will not be written about here.

Yesterday was a different sort of day. I got a massage in the morning, a mothers day gift from my dear daughter, had a health lunch out, watched a softball game and hung out with my family after talking about future plans for all and then late night talks with hubbie. I forgot I had a disorder at all during those wonderful moments. But then wake up and here I am again musing my life and trying to do my best.

Although yesterday was a wonderful day in many ways there was also some grief. But I choose joy. I do not choose drama but may be causing some soon…haha a story for a different life.

I will not give up!

peace love light and joy

Victoria

I choose my future…

Again music comes to my aid.

Goodbye Yellow Brick Road by Sarah Bareilles feat Elton John

This song speaks to me tonight as I ponder my future and that of my loved ones. I have to be ok bottom line. There are bad people out there and I cannot protect the world. I have tried. My God knows.

I am fighting depression even deeper than before. But I choose to end the suffering, the angst, the powerlessness. I choose to fight for good in any way I can. I wont apologize. I wont even think. I will just do it. Unrepentant.

Fighting for my mental health during May Mental Health Awareness Month during a very strange time in this world. Where fear meets its enemy, hope.

I have hope now. I have hope for better days. I have hope for my family and all my loved ones and the world. Most importantly I have hope for myself. I can choose to let thoughts about what I cannot control not consume me. I choose to fight for myself and my loved ones. Something needs to change and I am ready. I don’t want to know the future. I am glad I dont.

Computer is acting up!

More tomorrow

peace, love light and joy

Victoria

Pain is deep…

Parsley, Rosemary and thyme~Simon and Garfunkel

I haven’t blogged all week because the pain is so deep of what I have gone through.

I had to cancel my assessment for the second time so taking that as a sign from the universe to stop trying with her.

An incident from 20 years ago came back to haunt me on my trip down south. It was traumatic and unfortunately involving one of my children. I have to protect a new family the predator is now involved with but don’t know how. Been trying to figure it out on my own but my sister (God bless her) had heard about it and called me so I did have someone to talk to about it yesterday.

Why are mental health problems so fucking hard? My brain has a disorder and right now I am fighting to breathe air… Big things like this really set me off down a spiral staircase to only God knows where.

I am experimenting with my gingko intake. Wondering if it is causing me to hyperfocus on the bad and negativity of every situation?

I am home alone with my thoughts and music and comforts. Hubbie had to go back down south to pick up my car after it got fixed, which broke down on our travels. Usually this would be great but the impending situation at my hands is before my mind and all I can think about.

Might garden a bit as the weather is perfect.

I am postponing all other activities until I am able to warn this unsuspecting woman with grandchildren.

Pleasee helppp me God to find her and share what is so painful to even mention to myself. Lots of tears this week.

Hope all of you are doing well. I’m still fighting and not giving up but it is fuckinng harder than ever to figure it out.

peace, love light and joy

Victoria