No longer delusional… so happy to say!

Hello Readers,

Tonight it finally happened, the deepest delusion fell away at some bizarre thought I had and it had to do with publishing my book.

This is tremendous news and I feel so happy about it!  The weight of the world is off of my shoulders and I praise God for helping me to get to the bottom of this conundrum.  It has been a mystery for so long, since 2006 so many nights ago…

Pax

Victoria

Publishing my next book…

Greetings to all!

My manuscript was accepted by Covenant Books and may be published this year.

It is deeply spiritual, along with my psychotic periods and how I live my life now after many years of finding out what I can and cannot do with this disorder.

If you are interested in it please send me an email and I will direct you to its source as I don’t know yet when or where it will be made available.

I am resting on this quiet Sabbath.

Pax

Victoria

 

Been depressed, but now able to enjoy the things that enrich my life…

It is in the difficulties  of having this disorder and I have Schizoaffective disorder, which is basically Schizophrenia plus depression, and I also suffer from OCD and lately the ruminations are out of control.  I feel deeply many pains but despite this I am doing well right now despite my situation.

My situation with my parents is bleak.  Ah how much love for our family can bring us down…

Think about it; all our worries as children, mothers and fathers of dear children, and all family whether blood or adopted in by one way or another.  And we are all family in God.  For He wants all of us to be in His kingdom one day when our earthly life is over.  Love, so precious and sweet, it fills us with goodness and reminds us of good times, past, present and future moments.

But I will not let the declining health of my parents keep me down.  No I will take my many comforts~

Prayer

My music latest favorite being Make me a Channel of Your Peace, the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi

My uplifting reading from Buddhism to great saints

Talking with positive people and sometimes even asking them to pray for me and my situation and I get to hear some of their hearts.

My healthy food

My long and short walks

My pups

Watering my vegetable garden which I am going to do in a minute

Thinking about the people I love and all their good qualities

Thinking about God and His infinite goodness

Isn’t this enough?

I take my medicine faithfully like a vow because I know it helps me very much

I see my psychiatrist soon but I am doing ok despite the anguish I sometimes feel

Getting caregiver support from local agencies, classes and gifts

I can do this with the help of God

Things do not satisfy

only God

Thank you for reading this

Pax

Victoria

 

 

The tide feels like it is turning in my favor

After meeting with my therapist today I have more hope that I will do better in the future.  I have not been doing great, even not working, although this last week was pretty good minus getting hurt the other day.  I have blogged this and feel like I have lost a few followers sharing how I still have bad days when I feel very unwell.

I don’t mind losing followers if my blogs don’t resonate anymore.  When I was doing well I got lots of likes but now that I am struggling again not so…  I am just very honest how I am doing and will continue to blog even if no one reads my blogs or likes or comments on it.  I do this selfishly, it helps me to get it out.  And I like to think that my blogs do help others who are not doing so well too although they may be quiet on the comments.

This is a serious disorder.  I can’t even get life insurance easily because of it or it is very expensive my broker has told me recently.  This is nothing to joke about.  Having Schizoaffective Disorder means I can’t work outside the home, means stress is my worst enemy, means socially I feel like an outcast most of the time and so much more.

But I don’t give up the fight and today’s session meant more to me than a whole lot of talking with various people about nothing.  I believe my therapist gets me and my disorder which is great and was worth the wait recently to know if I will be able to see him or not.

Today was great because I came to terms with how God made me.  I am extremely sensitive and take criticism very negatively of any sort.  In the past I have seen this as a great defect but today my therapist helped me to realize something.  That it is because I am sensitive I am the glue that holds my family together.  I will try to remember how it was said.  Forgive me if I don’t share it perfectly but it went something like this…

Therapist: So you want to be less sensitive?

Me: Yes

Therapist: That would mean you would be have to be harder

Me: Then I don’t want to be less sensitive.  Inside I scream to myself that I don’t ever want to be harder like others who  don’t show compassion….

So I’m stuck and stuck I like today.  Because I am sensitive I help my folks a lot, I help my family, I help myself.  I happen to have a lot of time to myself and I really need it, to pray, to reflect, to veg out for a little while before I get busy with the business of helping my parents.

I also read part of a Buddhist book recently prior to my appointment that really made sense and goes along with what I learned from my therapist today.  All the craziness (or insert whatever you are that you don’t like about yourself) makes you who you are so don’t wish it away.

Instead I will embrace it.  And no longer feel bad when my sensitivity bothers me.  But it will take a while to get used to because I have hated it for so long.

I often laugh at myself.  Laugh or cry I say, I choose to laugh and not take anything too seriously even having this disorder.

Pax

Victoria

Won’t give up

I won’t give up [Jason Mraz]

This is my fight song [?]

Shake the disease [Depeche Mode]

Music helps me to cope and these three songs I listen to often because honestly having this disorder makes me want to give up at times.

Some days I am really good mentally but some days are still really hard mentally…  I can’t figure out what makes a good or bad day.  I exercise regularly and eat healthy most days, sleep enough, pray and use my coping skills.  But sometimes it just isn’t enough.  My mind is very unstable at times and I don’t know what to do next.

I am tired of starting new things to entertain myself and then quitting them when it gets too hard or I lose interest.  But yet I still love starting new things.  It gives me purpose and reason to keep going.  And keep going I go.  I wonder if my fractured mind will ever settle down and just be ok???

Lately I have been having some tough days and I just want to cry.  I did cry today.  No one will ever understand what it is like to be me so I will stop trying to explain it yet here I am blogging and trying to explain it.  Ah, the mind is a terrible thing to lose.  My dad suffers from dementia and when he remembers me and something simple like my dog’s names I just get so happy.

But what it is like to be me…so difficult to explain.  And soon I will go before the hearing and try to explain why I can’t work.  I am not nervous.  I will just be honest.  Work stresses me out, following instructions is difficult and even though I am at a loss some days what to do next, I know I am better off not working  I often enjoy my days when things are going well and when they aren’t I just veg out and surf the web or read a good book.

Today I went cruising with my husband in his 21 window vw bus.  It was fun.  We had an early dinner at a cheap Mexican place.  I was present for him enjoying just being in his company with his favorite hobby, Volkswagens.  I love him and he has stood by me through all of this for ten years now.  He notices when I am out of sorts and lets me do my thing so that is good that he is supportive like that.

My faith has been a comfort to me lately… I remember what it was like to not believe in God, such a sad existence.  But I believe in God now and pray to Him often for help to get through each day, to be the best daughter, wife, mother and friend that I can be.  He gives me strength often and for that I am grateful.

Pax

Victoria

Meeting one’s emotions

I have been touting the benefits of exercise so much but what to do when one can’t exercise due to weather, illness or busyness?  Take today for instance, I am home sick with a virus and binge watching Call the Midwife on Netflix and reading and unable to get in my usual miles of walking or my other exercises.  I feel absolutely helpless again…

I have been using exercise as a distraction from my emotions which still come just less often when I am exercising.  This is a tremendous realization and I am meeting my emotions with grace where before I ran from them through drugs and alcohol.  I don’t have to run anymore….

So I am watching Ted talks, reading uplifting stories about people who have struggled with mental illness and are doing well, blogging, eating a little, listening to Christina Perri and trying very hard to not feel sorry for myself.  LIfe is good, I am just sick at the moment and will be able to get back to my exercise again which helps so very much!

I still have Schizoaffective Disorder and even though the positive symptoms have subsided, the negative symptoms still affect me greatly especially at times like this when I don’t have the endorphins at my service when I exercise.  I have almost 3 months off of pot and alcohol which is great to be living life sober once again.

So much has happened in these three months.  I have had a lot of time to reflect on my feelings of inadequacy from having a very critical mother, being adopted, and growing up feeling unloved.  I am seeing a therapist again and it is very helpful to dig in to areas of my life which are untouched.

We all have them, times in our life when we felt disconnected and that occurred for me when I was abusing pot and alcohol.  Now that I am sober and in recovery I am meeting my emotions and accepting them for what they are and guess what?  It isn’t that bad.  Oh the feelings are very deep and there have been many tears, smiles and everything in between.  But it is all worth it on this journey of recovery which will never end.

Pax

Victoria