Welcome to all countries…

To my twisted mind. Seriously though I am so happy to see different countries on my feed. Today was Romania. What a beautiful name. Romania. I get excited to know that my blogs although they may not have a ton of followers or likes or comments, they are getting viewed and I pray how I pray that my experience in treating my own mental health disorders often by myself will somehow touch others.

I am again at an impasse’. I fired my therapist for several reasons bottome line wasn’t a good fit. So I started consulting with others who treat DID disorder and found that I will make little progress while the perpetraor (my mom) is still active in my life. So basically I can’t fuckinng move on until my mom passes. My dad is close, but yet still life in him. Still concerned for others even though he is fading…

My DID disorder is starting to manifest physically now. Won’t go into too many details but it is stress related having to do with my bladdder. Which is really strange because the book I am reading, “you will never be normal” discusses major incontinence but mine is minor. Off to the doctor Monday.

Annoyances such as these are frequent lately. I just adjust and try to find my happy spot. Today it eludes me as I am on day 3 or 4 out of 5 till hubbie gets home. I think I am too attached to him and am going to take a step back ha ah. Let him romance me when he gets back! And not cheap wine and dinner ha ha just kidding. I’ll just be glad when he gets home honestly.

Anyway, this facade continues as I navigate my days through good things and bad. I do have a call in to my old therapist to be a sounding board for all that is happening.

Finding it hard to look up but that is all I have right now. God, infinite, all knowing and all powerful. Be at my side Jesus and help me to believe where doubt exists.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Feeling groovey…

This is a lighter post tonight. Life has been heavy lately and I have finally gotten a break!

I’m doing ok, maybe a little better than ok at times and tonight has been good. A much easier day than yesterday. Ate some artichokes which I haven’t cooked for years. They remind me of childhood, so much work! But good in the end…

I did spend a lot of time with my daughter today so that certainly helped. Hubbie is gone and yesterday was yesterday but it got me really appreciating him with his loudness and messiness. I miss him! Talked to him today but couldn’t really hear as it was noisy on his end. Looking forward to his return and my dogs miss him too! He has good energy…

I have been enjoying the two new books and it is a fight over which one I will read next. I’ve been a little lazy with hubbie gone. But he’s relaxing so I don’t feel bad. The house is tidy but as usual dishes in the sink. I have gotten in the practice of doing them at night so I can wake up to a clean kitchen so off I will go in a bit.

I am excited for this Sunday. I am going to go on an in person outing with my friends at Safe Haven 20 miles away. It should be fun but trying not to get too anxious about socializing with these new people in my life. We are walking to a touristy coffee shop, so I’ll get some exercise in as well as some socializing not on Zoom! The world is opening up. Do you feel it too? It’s a bit scary for me but not going to muse about that tonight.

Gardening tomorrow is planned and visiting with my mom and dad:) Also working on downloading the digitized memories I got after sending in 14 mini video tapes from 29 years and more recent like ten years. I used imemories and after everything it cost me $150 Us dollars. I haven’t watched them all but it will be a trip down memory lane. The little I have watched has been wonderful of my children when they were little and not so little.

It’s amazing how much we forget. So much is constantly happening with periods of rest and relaxation.

This is making me think that I need to really make the most of my time on this earth. There goes the light post! Sorry but it is my mind! I choose life, I choose hope, I choose love, love, love.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Midnight peace…

Hubbie is away so Im gonna play….

Took a late night shower and all ready for bed but drank coffee late so have a few minutes to share my latest ponderings…

Life is short in the grande scheme of everthing; but it is long too as is the case of my dad and mom. I’m prepared but I will be rich too, all the same, I don’t want them to die although I have accepted it as inevitable and have made peace with God and them.

So why am I stuck in my childhood? Been doing a lot of thinking about it. There was good. I excelled in school and was often the teacher’s pet, but I didn’t mind because I craved attention and approval from wherever I could get it. I would adopt my friend’s moms and always pleased them, it was so easy to get approval from everywhere unless my mom would ruin it somehow. Even today I don’t share all my good news because she always looks at the downside.

I force myself to look at the bright side and to almost always be kind especially with this pandemic. People are starting to feel comfortable again. I’m not ready but with upcoming travels will be forced. I know the pandemic has affected my mental health as it was a few months in when I noticed the first identity front (be most present). It scared and confused me.

And now I am at peace tonight. I am not thinking the negative reel tonight. I am thinking of heaven in a non suicidal way. We are all homeward bound. Of that much I know. Yet, spirituality evades me these days. Absent is my religion; active is my music expansion and netflix addiction of Grey’s Anatomy. Now there’s some drama…

Anyhow, off to bed I go wishing you all adieu

peace love light and joyy

Victoria

the bane of my existence just got better…

So with all that has been happening, I no longer believe this will be an easy year.

I’d like to think that it will, but it is soooooo hard.

So I have decided to really get obsessed with fun things, for starters it’s my daughter’s birthday month so fun times planned with her and father’s day. A small party over here with all who love her the most and good grub! Already began the spoiling, special treats, presents and new garden furniture (only $100 used off Facebook) where she can work at when she is home working and where I will be relaxing too. It gives me great joy this month that I get to bless her with something every day. May be a note or sticker. It makes my days funner.

And today I decided that I am going to throw the baby shower for my daughter-in-law! It is going to be Luau style withh a pig cooked in the ground and everything! I am a little nervous as I have never thrown a baby shower before and I don’t know if it is my place but no one else was stepping up and mom to be was starting to plan it and I just want her to enjoy it all! I didn’t help with my baby showers at all! I will be calling in my sister in law who is more like a sister, who has probably thrown over a hundred. She will be a great help.

So now that I have projects that I truly enjoy I am no longer suffering as much. We are also going to Hawaii in September, staying in my sister’s timeshares. And then baby to be born October. Much good!

Oh there’s plenty of stuff to complain about but I choose to focus on the good. I might visit my dad today, which is never easy, but glad to have a little more time with him.

Enjoy your Sunday!

peace, love light and joy

Victoria

I’ve never wanted an easy life but a break every now and then would be nice…

I do get breaks don’t get me wrong but it seems lately that I am constantly putting out fires as my dad would say.

I have been severly depressed, stressed, and to top it off trip to doctor for “massive bladder infection” said the doc. Feeling like crap but better today a bit so back to writing for me.

Writing is a good friend if that makes sense. Haven’t been journaling at all because I was taking care of my son’s dog who finally went home after two weeks. A huge 9 month old puppy! So relieved…

I push through despite the constant fires I have to put out. My husband is awesome thankfully and rolls with all the punches pretty well. I have not shared with him my DID disorder diagnosis. He can barely handle if you can call it that my Schizoaffective Disorder, but because it is well managed, I know that helps everyone. I do not stop taking my meds no matter what!

I had to run an emergency errand to bring medicine to my mom today when all I wanted to do was chill. So I chose to make it fun and it was. After getting it to her, letting my sister know she had it, and taking a deep breath, I went to Dutch Bros which is a local new coffee spot that we treat ourselves to when things are getting better. It also happened to be my daughter’s birthday month so I spoiled her and her coworker to coffee which helped them get through a lawyer thing. So cool! They appreciated it in spades and I enjoyed my drink as well.

Came home, air fried some chicken with mac n cheese for my son and myself then hung out with my husband a bit and then with him and his friends. They have bbqs over here every Friday night and now that I am vaccinnated I am trying to be more social.

Back inside after longer than usual but can only hear about cars for too long! I have a pile of dishes and laundry but there’s later as the night is young here in California.

Wondering if life will ever settle down but with a grandbaby on the way it may not.

I’d say the best thing I did for me today was to turn a difficult situation of having to help my mom and not feeling great myself and choosing to celebrate my daughter and get over social anxiety at the bbq.

Have a great weekend everyone

peace love light and joy to all!

Victoria

Oh love in sadness…

I am filled with joy 🥲 tonight after a pretty good day! Joy that I am visiting my dad again easier now that COVID restrictions have lifted. He’s still on hospice but every moment I get to spend time with him is a precious gift to both of us.

Joy that my new therapist is helping me already! Just saying it all to a professional was a great release of all my frustration over the past month!

Joy that my son and daughter-in-law will be back tomorrow and pick up their puppy.

Joy that my newest book “ A Year without fear” by Tama Kieves which is 365 days of 5 minute mind set shifts, is something I am enjoying. One nugget I got was to choose a new comfort. So I did. I did a yoga class today and took my pup on a half hour walk. I also played a little in the garden 🪴

This is progress as I actually almost enjoyed the movement of yoga but learned I like to do my own thing too. And the walk was perfect 👌 made a healthy dinner tonight and ate all my veggies!

I can see the light again and it feels good 😌

Peace love light and joy

Victoria

End of May thoughts…

Let June come quickly, and already is in some parts of this big world; yet I feel more connected now after seeing all the different countries visiting my blog, some of which I have never heard of which is amazing. The web can be used for good so for that I am grateful.

It is the end of mental health month, but let not our journey end there. Let us continue to educate ourselves and support one another on this journey of the unknown and I will hang on for this ride. Oh, I do soar at times and certainly appreciate when they come. But far and between lately…

I had my first session with a DID disorder therapist today and it went well although there were 3 interruptions! I talked a lot, wow, it was good to get it all off my chest. The stress, the joys, the mundane all wrapped up into 45 minutes with mostly me talking. She did say the prognosis is good and said why but she also was able to witness one of my alters when my son interrupted me for something important, and then when my son’s dog escaped, she got to talk to Francis the hardworker. One thing I liked was that she listened and let me talk.

I was so nervous thinking I was going to be talking about my childhood. She met me where I was at and it was over so quick. Because of the prognosis I am feeling better about my life. Hope for better days and integration.

I haven’t been able to blog the past few days, a few drafts, but too much thinking over the weekend over what my new therapist would ask me. I visited my dad, which went great, and then took a long drive with my fave lately, Neil Diamond. Saturday was 5 hours at the pet urgent care with my son’s dog, who is huge. My dog bit off a chunk of my son’s dog in a fight over a bone. Stressful to say the least. But today was mellow and was ablle to clean up the messy house from the busy weekend. Feels good.

Thank you all!

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Living in the moment I am…

Being mentally unwell means many things to me…

It is a game I play when I am not at my best. I make lists of the most simple tasks and some not so simple. I tackle them in the order I set them up and play through the day with times of relaxation when I’m not panicking. Yesterday was a panic day; today was getting stuff done despite how I felt.

I don’t always push through but I happen to be puppy sitting a huge 9 month old yellow lab, my son’s dog, for two weeks, who is unruly but very sweet. I am trying to train her but we shall see. Anyway, it is that I have to have the house managed right now; I have to be there for my parents right now; I have to take care of my needs; I have to be strong for my youngest and all my children even though they are all adults.

I choose this today. Tomorrow I might not. Just being honest as usual.

It also means that I have to really plan my meals so I don’t eat junk all day or nothing preferrably. I don’t have much of an appetite lately due to my situational depression and anxiety. But then again I think I am killing myself with my vices. Coffee and nicotine are ever by my side throughout the day. Never when I blog though…and always my reward. afterwards.

When I blog, I get into a groove. I like to do it in one sitting but alas distractions are ever before me.

Being ok is elusive for me at times, it hides itself from me. I try to fix it myself but this new therapist I need to help me with integrating. I tried it on my own and have found supression of my many identiies to be too stressful. Monday can’t come soon enough for the assessment and her reccomendations for what to do next. I am remaininig probably in supression mode for now because it is safest.

I do remember the kind words of my favorite musician Jason Mraz to the effect~ when you don’t know something just be where your feet are

and for me that is living in the moment…

Thanks for reading my ramblings tonight.

As ever

peace love light and joy to all of you

Victoria

I am I said to no one there…fighting DID disorder!

I am so much. Yet at times “I am lost and I can’t even say why”.~Neil Diamond. The pain is always there but at times it is lessened due to the many joys in my life right now along with these dastard disorders.

DID disorder is a real thing. Some people doubt, even professionals, but I don’t having met someone with it and myself now. I am seeking integration, which basically means I am hoping to consolidate all my parts into one, just me. But it is complex and I have decided to do inner child work instead of working with a DID therapist because of the cost.

I guess this is a little bit of my blog for the month on DID (dissociative identity disorder). Now that things have settled down on the home front I am back to confronting my demons with all the courage I can muster to fight DID disorder. It takes great courage for me to look at myself as a child. Most people with DID disorder have childhood trauma and in my case it was emotional abuse and emotional neglect that caused these parts to emerge as a coping mechinism.

I believe that I was an empath or hsp (highly sensitive person) from birth, especially as I remember pictures of me as a young child. But not receiving the love and attention from my mom who was my main caregiver caused me tremendous pain even to this day. My sister fared much better; my brother not as bad as me. My dad when he was around (he worked a lot) was my sunshine and still is today:)

It’s interesting though how so much of my childhood is coming back to me through various channells. Music, childhood friends, memories of tv shows especially the Fonze eehhhhhh, and a group chat on Facebook for my grammar school. My parents did their best, that much I know and I love them both dearly and am so glad they are both still alive today.

The song I quoted above is yes another Neil Diamond song I just love. It conveys so much meaning I will share it here for anyone in the mood for some great music. It is called~ I am I said~ and you can listen to it here.

Where would I be without my music?

pax

Victoria

Happy National Schizophrenia here in the USA~Special celebration blog…

I celebrate because I have not taken my life. I may be like the moon evermoving but yet always there for me, my readers and all my loved ones. I choose life over death and actually enjoyed my day despite more drama around me.

I am puppy sitting for my son and daughter in law who are pregnant, due in October! Zelda is 9 months and is huge as it is a golden lab. I love Zelda and am training her. I have her two weeks and we are already making progess nicely…

But it has upset my routine but I find myself today and yesterday open to new interactions, today talked to a gal at Safe Haven and we always enjoy each others conversation. Today we discovered we both have acting pasts. I am going to hopefully attend a new drama class that should be fun!

We have to have fun when we can because otherwise life would be too dreary. I listen to upbeat music and my latest obsession is Neil Diamond. So far I love these songs all on Youtube. Cherry cherry, Beautiful noise, you are the sun I am the moon, Holly Holy, Girl youre gonna be a woman soon and more. His concerts are the best and he led such an interesting life it is fun to get to know him through his audience performances. He actually danced with Princess Diana!

Anyway, bottom line~ Having Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder sucks at times but by reaching out and getting help in 2008, I changed the course of my life. I was psychotic for two years. It was a strange scary and exciting time. Religion was everything to me. And that is all I shall say about my experience with Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder. If you are interested feel free to use the search engine next to the left of my blog title especially the Gift and my bio.

Thank you all for the likes and positive comments and emails. This journey that I have been blogging about my personal recovery from schizophrenia (9 years now) really has been fun and interesting getting to know all of you whether I read your blogs for a while or we corresponded at one point. I look forward to the next 9 years.

pax

Victoria