hard to describe but I will do my best to put it into words…

Hello to all my readers new and old!

2 days now on the medicine Nivigil and 6 weeks on Clozapine which is amazing.  My pdoc prescribed me Nivigil to help with the tiredness caused by Clozapine.  It works amazingly!  For two days now I have had motivation to do things I have put off for some of it off for many years.

Every corner of my humble home is under scrutiny right now.  Just sayin…

I don’t know if this makes sense to anyone else, but the days of darkness are I feel behind me with this new medication regime.  My good friend Bethany Yeiser of CureSZ shared her experience with me of the benefits of Clozapine   And I took it to my pdoc right away almost and am just so grateful she shared with me.

So I want to share now with everyone who reads this who has still struggled with positive and negative symptoms of Schizophrenia or Schizoaffective Disorder.  You do not have to suffer needlessly.  Ask your psychiatrist about Clozapine.  I just wish I knew about it sooner but it is what it is and I am grateful now more than ever to have my life back.  It might help you too!

My whole outlook has changed.  I am enjoying life in a new way and am so grateful to even be alive.  This from someone who was suicidal just a few months ago, no plan mind you but the thoughts were there and now they are gone.  I am more social and am always trying to find ways to give back what was so freely given to me.  lol.  I am also wonderfully free of all delusions of grandeur!  How I love this because they were a great burden.

I would like to do another poll so please take a minute and chime in on Clozapine.

Thanks ahead if you answer the poll!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

If you would like to share your story or have any questions feel free to comment on this or email me at victoriaalonso@yahoo.com

Pax

Victoria

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Have found my creative niche at last….

Now with the permanent disability hearing behind me and awaiting the outcome in the next two to three months I have needed something to occupy my time and I have found something I really enjoy that might make me money!

I have been collaging for a very long time and am at it again.  I take pics from magazines and brochures and paste them to black poster board, different scenes.  Just bought a cheap laminator and going to laminate them to finish them off.  I’m in no hurry but did take about 6 of them to a local shop that sells interesting items.  She invited me to have a space at a show in November or December.  Excited!!

Don’t know how to show them off here but can anyone tell me how to store them online?

Thanks

Pax

Victoria

No longer delusional… so happy to say!

Hello Readers,

Tonight it finally happened, the deepest delusion fell away at some bizarre thought I had and it had to do with publishing my book.

This is tremendous news and I feel so happy about it!  The weight of the world is off of my shoulders and I praise God for helping me to get to the bottom of this conundrum.  It has been a mystery for so long, since 2006 so many nights ago…

Pax

Victoria

Publishing my next book…

Greetings to all!

My manuscript was accepted by Covenant Books and may be published this year.

It is deeply spiritual, along with my psychotic periods and how I live my life now after many years of finding out what I can and cannot do with this disorder.

If you are interested in it please send me an email and I will direct you to its source as I don’t know yet when or where it will be made available.

I am resting on this quiet Sabbath.

Pax

Victoria

 

Been depressed, but now able to enjoy the things that enrich my life…

It is in the difficulties  of having this disorder and I have Schizoaffective disorder, which is basically Schizophrenia plus depression, and I also suffer from OCD and lately the ruminations are out of control.  I feel deeply many pains but despite this I am doing well right now despite my situation.

My situation with my parents is bleak.  Ah how much love for our family can bring us down…

Think about it; all our worries as children, mothers and fathers of dear children, and all family whether blood or adopted in by one way or another.  And we are all family in God.  For He wants all of us to be in His kingdom one day when our earthly life is over.  Love, so precious and sweet, it fills us with goodness and reminds us of good times, past, present and future moments.

But I will not let the declining health of my parents keep me down.  No I will take my many comforts~

Prayer

My music latest favorite being Make me a Channel of Your Peace, the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi

My uplifting reading from Buddhism to great saints

Talking with positive people and sometimes even asking them to pray for me and my situation and I get to hear some of their hearts.

My healthy food

My long and short walks

My pups

Watering my vegetable garden which I am going to do in a minute

Thinking about the people I love and all their good qualities

Thinking about God and His infinite goodness

Isn’t this enough?

I take my medicine faithfully like a vow because I know it helps me very much

I see my psychiatrist soon but I am doing ok despite the anguish I sometimes feel

Getting caregiver support from local agencies, classes and gifts

I can do this with the help of God

Things do not satisfy

only God

Thank you for reading this

Pax

Victoria

 

 

The tide feels like it is turning in my favor

After meeting with my therapist today I have more hope that I will do better in the future.  I have not been doing great, even not working, although this last week was pretty good minus getting hurt the other day.  I have blogged this and feel like I have lost a few followers sharing how I still have bad days when I feel very unwell.

I don’t mind losing followers if my blogs don’t resonate anymore.  When I was doing well I got lots of likes but now that I am struggling again not so…  I am just very honest how I am doing and will continue to blog even if no one reads my blogs or likes or comments on it.  I do this selfishly, it helps me to get it out.  And I like to think that my blogs do help others who are not doing so well too although they may be quiet on the comments.

This is a serious disorder.  I can’t even get life insurance easily because of it or it is very expensive my broker has told me recently.  This is nothing to joke about.  Having Schizoaffective Disorder means I can’t work outside the home, means stress is my worst enemy, means socially I feel like an outcast most of the time and so much more.

But I don’t give up the fight and today’s session meant more to me than a whole lot of talking with various people about nothing.  I believe my therapist gets me and my disorder which is great and was worth the wait recently to know if I will be able to see him or not.

Today was great because I came to terms with how God made me.  I am extremely sensitive and take criticism very negatively of any sort.  In the past I have seen this as a great defect but today my therapist helped me to realize something.  That it is because I am sensitive I am the glue that holds my family together.  I will try to remember how it was said.  Forgive me if I don’t share it perfectly but it went something like this…

Therapist: So you want to be less sensitive?

Me: Yes

Therapist: That would mean you would be have to be harder

Me: Then I don’t want to be less sensitive.  Inside I scream to myself that I don’t ever want to be harder like others who  don’t show compassion….

So I’m stuck and stuck I like today.  Because I am sensitive I help my folks a lot, I help my family, I help myself.  I happen to have a lot of time to myself and I really need it, to pray, to reflect, to veg out for a little while before I get busy with the business of helping my parents.

I also read part of a Buddhist book recently prior to my appointment that really made sense and goes along with what I learned from my therapist today.  All the craziness (or insert whatever you are that you don’t like about yourself) makes you who you are so don’t wish it away.

Instead I will embrace it.  And no longer feel bad when my sensitivity bothers me.  But it will take a while to get used to because I have hated it for so long.

I often laugh at myself.  Laugh or cry I say, I choose to laugh and not take anything too seriously even having this disorder.

Pax

Victoria