Late night musings…

Welcome to my mind where drama still exists maybe more than others, maybe less but for me it is not always a safe place. I get myself into trouble, not police haha. But around 2pm-3pm every day I get really anxious. I’m pretty good at figuring things out so am going to tackle this as well. Maybe some cbd oil, hate to take more anxiety meds but never abuse it so I will try cbd oil first and then if that doesn’t help take a half a klonapin. It really sucks. I’ll be having a great day and then wham I don’t know what to do.

I have tried various measures like planning my day out the night before and it has helped me to be more productive and organized but I am lost at that time. Anybody else experience a time of day like this of restlessness?

Anyway, today was a beautiful day in sunny California. Gardened with my daughter in the evening when it cooled down. It was actually 82 degrees here today!

Didn’t feel like writing my book today but still waiting for my editor to proof the rough draft but still much to do.

I am getting ready for Easter dinner for family on Sunday so much to do! I love having my close family over and especially with my pregnant daughter in law not able to entertain so it falls on me for now. I don’t mind. I have some flowers I need to buy and plant in a half wine barrel my hubbie found somewhere hehe. And I am painting my kitchen cabinets white with new black knobs. Red tulips on my black and white checkered tablecloth. I love order!

Another windfall of money came my way. I can’t believe it but put it straight in savings except for flowers! I have manifested this with and without hard work. I am now trying to manifest more connection with my kids. It’s working. I don’t care about money but do care about my loved ones. Going to make a donation to my favorite charity CureSZ and start a mutual fund for my future grandchild like my mom did for mine!

Balance is my mindset right now with everything. No more extremes I’m really gonna try. Today was great and terrible. Tomorrow I’m going for even keel.

Starting my new mental health program tomorrow on loss. We shall see!

Hope ya’ll have a great night.

peace, love light and joy

Victoria

Found an amazing program…

Good morning all!

I have to share a new program I will be trying out that is local to my area. I did not even know about this opportunity. They have classes for anxiety and depression, dual diagnosis, creative expression, peer to peer, and more. Even have a walking group in person but other than that it is all virtual. I will let you know how it goes as usual but wondering if every state/province/country has mental help services like this one in your area. Where I live it is 211 (USA) to find out about such resources. Not sure in various countries but good to check out.

In the past I have not been interested in joining groups but I feel I want to at least give it a try. Wish me well!

April hopes…

Gardening! Started today and it felt great except for the splinters I got in my finger…minor intrusion but dealt with it. My hope for April is to garden every day. Wake up and get out there. Feel the dirt in my fingers, spreading roots, watering, compost tea, cleaning up my potting bench and weeding, weeding, weeding! Without out the weeds it would present no challenge so I take this challenge and tomorrow will wear gloves. But seriously I want to have an awesome veggie and flower garden this year!

Eating more salads and veggies mixed in with favorites. Veggies won’t be ready for a while from my garden but planning to visit farmer’s markets and buy locally grown. More produce, no processed except rare and whole foods as much as possible. Limiting high calorie drinks and drinking mainly water with the occasional cup of joe.

Finish my first book! It is closer after much work this weekend. Submit very rough draft to my editor and hoping for some more movement on my part too. I’m liking it so far though so must take advantage of the times when the iron is hot and strike!

Walking! Must use treadmill or go on walk a half an hour a day for physical and more importantly mental or brain health. Spring is here so must take advantage of good weather and nice days:)

These are just some of my thoughts tonight about starting a new month before it even started. Ha ha. I love new beginnings if you can’t tell.

With the money that has befallen me recently, I am getting new glasses, seeing the dentist, making minor home improvements and saving the rest for a rainy day for surely it will come. Money sure goes fast! I am also keeping the search feature for this blog so be sure to check it out as many readers have been having fun at least I hope so:)

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Still looking up…

Hard week on many levels. But it’s over and moving forward with as much excitement as I can muster.

No one supports my new healthy lifestyle. This is a big surprise to me! But I must do it for me then and no one else. Must find my footing once again.

I didn’t write this week. Nor blog . Nor journal. I am afraid of what I will find I suppose. Writing does this for me. It is a reflection of my state of my soul.

Any way around it I refuse to feel guilty but accept this time of rest and quiet reflection.

On the other hand I feel I am exactly where I am supposed to be…

I won’t stay away anyway. I must write my ups and downs and it was a down week!

I emit to the universe all my needs and wants and help me to know what that is!!!

Peace love light and joy

Victoria

esoteric moments…

we are all rare, who share this disorder, schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder or any serious brain health disorder.

and now i speak for me, i do not know what the future holds for me or any of you all. i am not a saint nor enlightened. i am confused about much but yet not unsettled about anything. most importantly I am not psychotic nor a danger to myself or others…

why do i write this? because i have some decisions to be made today, now, in this hour or maybe I should just take a nap like yesterday and never get those 4 hours back…

I needed the sleep so do not regret it but had to reschedule an appointment for taxes.

So much change I don’t know which way is up. As I find my feet for the ground, I must share that my psychiatrist appointment that cost $300 was well worth it if only I can take his advisement. oh if it were that simple. how i struggle right now for now knowing what to do…

peace love light and joy

Victoria

The ups and downs of my bane existence…

Blogging as if this is my very first blog ever…

I need a new start, a new beginning which happily coincides with the beginning of Spring:)

I am resetting my life and am open to the Universe and the Source of all that is Good has for me.

I do not know anything; that will not prevent me from living my very best life in whatever shape I choose it to look like. I do not believe in fate. I am the master of my life, no one else. I have complete control and manifest /emit my desires for guidance.

I am ok

I have my psychiatrist in half an hour. Don’t even know where to begin. Here goes…

wish me well with positive thoughts prayers and vibes cuz i need it all!

every little thing is gonna be allright

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Imperfect days are ok…

Welcome to all new followers. There has been some activity on this blog that encourages me but like I said a long time ago if one person benefits from my musings then I will feel accomplished. I don’t need my ego stoked to continue to blog about real things that matter to you and me. We are one step away from solving all our problems and I am right there with you every step to help navigate life, especially when one has a brain health disorder like me and many of my followers. So here is my update to an imperfect day but that’s ok because I know what to do next.

My food is perfect, but been enjoying light beers. My bad. Going to listen tomorrow to Allen Carr easy way for women to quit drinking. I know I will master this too! I don’t want any escape except for zazen which I was able to sit for ten minutes today! That’s huge. We all know meditation is good for us but how many of us really practice it? Not me until this last week. I know that now I am not smoking weed that I can do it where before it was just a dream.

Today was fun; got my vaccine in morning with my daughter!!! Then traveled 30 miles to Whole Foods with my pupper. I got rainbow chard, vegan cheese, and organic whole carrots which I am most excited about peeling them and tasting their sweetness. I am weird I know but for me food is so important now than ever before. Tonight’s dinner consisted of wilted kale and rainbow chard with air fried eggplant and sweet onion with a little bit of vegan cheese. Yummy! I didn’t finish my dinner but have half a plate to munch on when I get hungry later. I have to eat I am finding more greens to stay full and energized.

Today was a bit of a rest day. Read my empathapedia book which is really awesome and cooked dinner for my hubbie. That’s about it. Oh and my adult married son visited with great vibes. My family is my everything. Friends come and go but in the end it is family we are stuck with so might as well make those relationships work because at times they are all we have. I have made peace with my mom after 50 years of angst. That is huge. I just laugh now at her negativity and the other day she actually said she was happy where she is living! Progress!

Took the day off of writing but it is coming along albeit slow. I am rewriting and rewriting and organizing and right now it is no where close to being ready for publication. But this week I have time to devote to its end and then yahoo!

But the question is will it be done by my goal March 31st? I think it will but I need all the positive thoughts from you all and prayers if you believe in a higher power. I do for He (for lack of better pronoun) has touched down many times and not just when I was psychotic but my earliest memory is age 5 when I recognized God did indeed exist. And many times after…

I cannot deny God’s existence even though I did for a while when I was 18, a proclaimed atheist spreading my ideas. Please forgive me God ! But this is why I make no judgement when people don’t believe. I know and trust He will touch down if needed. And I do pray for the world.

My studies with Buddhism are continuing as a philosophy and model of living. I like this new life that embraces my shadows (still learning how) and impermanence. Much to think about.

These are my thoughts today at the end of an imperfect day. But embracing that and looking for a new start tomorrow!

Peace, love light and joy,

Victoria

Good food and structure…

These two things are my hardest to defeat. I used to be on a diet up until recently since I was 16 (51 now) and now eating has never been easier. I feel great and energized! It is amazing how good food can fuel you. I am falling in love with the taste of veggies and tonight made a no fat guacamole with instead of avocado it had edamame and steamed broccoli. Yummy! I really encourage you if you struggle with your weight or eating the wrong foods (its amazing how much one can learn when interested) or emotional eating to check out Allen Carr’s books on Easyway to quit emotional eating or same author Good sugar Bad sugar. It is eye opening.

Life has never been better after so many years of feeling bloated and fat. The weight is falling off I am happy to report and I am full with the foods I am now eating, seeds, nuts and fruits and veggies. Little bit of secondary foods but limited to small servings. Done with food he he. It just isn’t an issue anymore and I love it!

Now that my time has freed up losing all my vices including bad sugar, I was at a loss with what to do with my time! I would like to share my latest discovery that has helped me immensely.  I have started planning out my day the night before.  Every hour is accounted for and although I don’t follow it perfectly, it gives me guidance throughout the day which is in turn helping me to get more done. 

Before attempting to schedule your day though one must first decide 3-5 things on work and personal to work on and no more.  The idea is to not be doing too many things but to focus on just a few tasks each day.  At the end of the day I review my plan and circle what needs attention the next day.  I have never been a structured individual but have finally found a way that is working for me.  I use a yellow legal pad but any sort of notebook will suffice. 

Well I’m off to unwind from another very productive day. Hoping I can sleep in later than 6:30 am. I have reverse insomnia since I quit vaping nicotine. It sucks but now that I have my schedule, it is easier. If anybody has any tips how to get better sleep please email me or comment.

I can be reached at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Thursday musings…

Welcome to my brain! Fortunately I am very focused right now and very clear in several areas that previously caused much confusion.

Still excited about my E-books. I have narrowed it down to just one book by end of March and then the rest will be published as I go. I am not happy with all my writing so far but that’s ok because I feel if it is meant to be it will become clear and I emit my desire to the Universe that I wish to use as few words as possible to bring my points home without ego. Ha how can I have any ego left after all that has happened?

I do because I am human but very humbled again lately. I have lost a dear friend. I was so close to her but it is not to be again. I keep misremembering all these quotes I read yesterday because yesterday was a bit of a rough day and when I find myself at a loss I read quotes for inspiration. But anyway the quote I am referring to went something like this. Don’t pursue people who avoid you. I had just sent her an email asking her to accept me back in her bubble with no response other than thank you. Timing once again…

It is just really painful ya know to again be without a confidante a friend I can really count on. Now that I think of it the friendship wasn’t even that great because it was always about her like 70/30. I have lost so many friends throughout the years and I must now obey what I know to be true and that is that I am not meant for close friends. A famous actress/singer wrote something about this that we are fine without any close friends so I know I will be fine but it’s hard because when you spend a year with someone a lot it becomes a habit and finding my new routine is once again elusive but it will become clear too I am sure!

I did schedule an appointment with my therapist who I haven’t talked to in months it feels. It will be good to process with her much about my dad and little about the loss of my friend.

I have been through so many changes these past two weeks. I will break it down easily. These are what I have no longer in my life and it is an adjustment but necessary and I feel I am on the right path or at least a good one.

Lost a dear friend

Let go of vaping nicotine, alcohol, caffeine (down from one pot a day to one cup if that), bad sugar, social media (very limited time on there) and yes I have finally given up on weed for good.

I am not suffering at all for the absence of any of these things (except teh friendship) because I have done them with the method by Allen Carr. My offer still stands if anyone wants one of his books, I can email anybody a free listen on audible if you send me your email. Smoking and vaping, bad sugar addiction, losing weight, caffeine, weed (can’t send this one though).

My life has changed over a matter of just a few weeks for the better. It is so great to no longer be enslaved to addiction. FREEDOM!!!!

So now I must admit I have been a little bit lost with what to do as much of my time has freed up now that I no longer pursue these activities. So yesterday I was really restless so I drank a beer (didn’t help), drank small cup of coffee (didn’t help), went for a drive with my pup, ate some bad sugar (couldn’t even finish it). Finally I decided to try working out and it helped greatly. Cannot undervalue the importance of exercise for our brain health.

Today I decided to try to schedule every hour of the day. I wrote out tow lists and haven’t followed either one. But at least I have a guideline for my day if I feel lost again. Structure is my nemesis but will keep trying to get the hang of being some sort of schedule. more on this later.

Well that was a lot! thanks for reading if you made it thus far.

Oh one more thing. I got out of serious debt last week! Money is coming to me from every place I couldn’t even imagine. But I don’t need anything except a newer car maybe. It is weird not having those hefty credit card payments monthly and nice to look at my accounts without the debt hanging over my head.

If your finances are your nemesis then I highly recommend Dave Ramsey’s FPU Financial Peace University. It took me years to stop charging and then to pay it off but it was worth it every effort.

Ok now I’m done I think,

peace love light and joy

victoria

Obsessed and finding it nice…

Obsessed with 3 things right now. First, working on these books and it is coming along nicely. Second obsessed with the house and its many nuances of upkeep. Thirdly, am obsessed with what I put in my mouth and nutrition. I am questioning everything.

These are where my thoughts currently reside.

Been working on the books since 7:30am…

been working on the house too but the dishes are currently winning but not for long…

eating healthy food all day helps when one has the right food in their house, I was gonna say medicine cabinet and in a way that is what it is~our healthy medicine to eat right and for me the goal is not to need all of my supplements anymore.

My sister is popping by for a second today. She’s doing surprisingly well since the death of her husband. I really admire her strength and unwavering devotion to his memory.

Have a wonderful Sunday!

peace love light and joy

victoria