The circle of life


My circle of life has come round full circle today, yes it is my birthday but I don’t wish for happy birthdays or congratulations.  Instead I am taking quiet moments by myself to think and ponder on the greatness of life and what my mental illness means to me.

It means so much…When I was psychotic I was on a different plane of existence.  It was beautiful, awesome and scary all at the same time.  Now that I am on medication the symptoms are managed but I have awakened spiritually since that first encounter in 2008, 8 years ago.  I am much more in tuned with God and feel at peace being on medication.

I was supposed to work today but God had other plans.  I felt sick and got out of work, came home and took a 3 hour nap and now am just relaxing before I go out to dinner with my loving family.  I watched a Ted talk on spirituality vs psychosis and found it to be very interesting.  I would be revered in certain cultures and encouraged to be psychotic or spiritually attuned.  The stigma of mental illness would not follow me, instead I would be mentored by someone else who had undergone the same sorts of experiences.

Wow! That is an amazing thought to have on my birthday!

Yet, I know that I will never go off my medication as there are no cultures here that support this type of life.

But in the same breath I can say that my spiritual life is very good right now.  I pray upon awakening and throughout the day and before retiring at night.  I believe in God the Father Almighty who made heaven and earth!

May the God of our understanding comfort you all in all your trials and experiences whether medicated or not.  We each have our own path and walk it the best we can.  For me it is what it is and I don’t regret it.



Small celebration!

After tonight’s posts I can say that I have published 100 posts on this site!  Woo hoo!

To all my followers thank you for the comments and likes and emails, to my new readers- welcome and I hope if you suffer from this debilitating disorder or have a loved one with this disorder as well that you will write in and share your story with me too!

Good night all!





Going live on the sales floor November 1st!

I see my pdoc tomorrow and am going to be happy to share with him that I am working and loving it.  I am still in training though but have done very well thus far and they plan to have me “go live” November 1st!  I feel I will be ready by then.  There is a lot to remember and application and timing is even more important to doing well with this sales job.

My life is very full these days.  After work, I go see my dad in the hospital, then I go some days to help my mom who is very frail and not getting on well.  I don’t know what I will do when I start working more hours November 1st but I will go from 30 to 40 hours and won’t be able to see my dad as much or my mom:(

I have been doing a really great job at taking care of myself too and my family.  It is a balancing act and it seems that the more I have to do the better at it I am at getting it all done by the end of each day.  Today I took the day off from going anywhere except  walking to the store and back to pick up a couple of things and get a little exercise. It was a needed rest day and tomorrow I have a lot going on with appointments and shopping to do Yay~!

I was diagnosed with vertigo recently and will share that with my pdoc but other than that I have not had any symptoms of any sort which is just great.  I get a little anxious at work when I am asked a question that I don’t know the answer to but it is a great company and they don’t expect me to know everything.  I have to pass a test soon before I go live so I have started studying every other night for that.  Flashcards are helping!  Haven’t taken a test for a while but shouldn’t be a big deal.

Hope you all are doing well too!





Working really helps me!

Hello to all!

Victoria here and happy to say that work is going awesome so far!  The people are great and I love the company I work for so far.  Very fair and honesty is their mantra.

That being said, I must say that I was more productive this past week than most of the year I was off on disability.  I kept up with my house, cooked some great meals and enjoyed time with friends.  On my days off, Thursday and Friday, I relaxed one day pretty much and was bored on Thursday but today, Friday, I made a long list and actually accomplished 95% of it.  I was a little stressed because there was so much I needed to do to make my work week go smooth but shouldn’t have worried because everything went well.

I even got to spend time with my dying father.  We drank coffee and told each other that we loved each other which we he hasn’t said it for a while (he has been in the hospital since early July).  He even added after he said he loved me that he loved the kids too!!! Wow, it was bittersweet of course because he is not getting better but I was overjoyed that he still thinks of us and his love for us.

Well it is back to work tomorrow and I have my lunch packed and ready to go.  I am so glad my husband insisted on my working especially for this company.  It is sales so there will be ups and downs but I will make good money and hopefully have more productive weeks like this one.

I see my pdoc next week and can’t wait to share the good progress report.  My mental health is pretty good, no time to sit at my computer and stare anyway ha ha seriously that was much of my day when I wasn’t working I am ashamed to admit.  Knowing I have to be at work I have to be very careful with my time although I still play around and goof off on the computer just in smaller increments.

Hope ya’ll have a great weekend.



I will be reentering the workforce!

So after a month of interviewing with this one mattress store, after my third interview, I got the call that I got the job!  I was ecstatic to say the least.  I start right away and it will be 40 hours a week.

So this means I am giving up on permanent disability for now and really trying to see if I can make it at a less stressful job.  I think it will be fine because I did work for several years at a stressful job and going to work everyday wasn’t the problem, it was the stressful clients.  This job will be much less stress and I should make some pretty good money.

We celebrated naturally last night and went to a steakhouse with my immediate family although my dear daughter wasn’t there nor my youngest son (sad face) but my eldest was there with his girlfriend and my husband so it was pretty cool.

The sad part is that I will not get to see my dad as much working full time but I know I will still go.  My visits with him have gotten shorter anyway because he really is not with it and he doesn’t talk at all except occasionally.  I am doing well with his eminent death.  From the stages of grief I think I am in the acceptance stage.  I love him dearly and don’t want him to die but I know it will happen sooner or later.  It is my mom I worry about more because she is so frail and not doing well but I will still help her out on my days off and be there for her as much as possible.

All in all it will be a good thing that I am working, for the money, for my sanity, to feel productive, to force myself to get out of my house….  My pdoc is ok with it so that is cool!

I still have some days when I don’t feel like I can handle life very well.  One day last week it was super hot and I had a major anxiety attack at Church.  But we left early and I went home and felt better.

Has the heat ever caused any of you to have an anxiety attack like that?

Well that is enough rambling about me.  Will keep you all posted on how work goes!  I start Saturday so that will be great and one word for you ladies!  I need work clothes so…

SHOPPING!!!! lol




It’s a new beautiful day

Sometimes life just gets hard.  It is hard to know the right thing to do especially when one suffers from mental illness.  I am dually diagnosed, I suffer from addiction along with Schizoaffective disorder.  I fight it though and am happy to say that today I am clean and sober and taking my mental illness meds as prescribed.  It is not every day that I can say that, but I have hope for many more days like today to come, one day at a time.

I have new hope that God will carry me through when I cannot lift myself up even in prayer.

The great part is that there are these really good people in my life today who help me to see the positive side of things.  Negative people have a very small place in my life.  If I could I would eliminate them altogether but when they are immediate family it is very hard.  I try to be positive with them, always pointing out the good in every situation and lately there have been some situations which just suck!  But I do my best and I think I am doing a really great job with what life has given me.

I will leave you with this prayer which I try to live each day.  It really helps me to get through everything with grace and dignity.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (you),

the courage to change the things I can (me)

and the wisdom to know the difference”




Update on dad

Starvation is how he will probably go…

But that is a natural part of the dying process so I am ok with that although it is hard to watch. Here’s to better days and future inspiration.

I am going on a three day retreat starting tonight.  It is in the gym of our local high school and no cellphones or electronics or watches.  Should be inspirational and give me a needed break from the hospital.  My brother will be here and Aunt and Uncle so he won’t be alone.  My mom always goes too.  The sad part too is that our birthdays are in October.  Wonder if he will see 79.  I will be 47 wow!

Hope everyone is doing well too right now.

I won’t give up,



Eternal love

As my dad prepares to enter eternity, I am greatly reminded not only of his love for me but also his limitations in understanding my disorder.  He has tried to be positive towards it but honestly he doesn’t get it at all.  But when he is in heaven he will understand fully the plight of my every day bane existence.  The struggles I have every day and most importantly how much I love and appreciate him for all he has done for me.

He will finally understand what it means to have this disorder, the ups and downs, the doubts of reality, the difficulties of getting around day to day with sometimes the most simplest of tasks.

I am Catholic so I will be asking for his help when he finally dies to enter eternity.  I know he will be with me even more than he is right now as he lays dying at the hospital.  He still knows my name and says it when prompted.  God I love this man so much!  Even in his dying days I am grateful to have had him still in my life, even though he cannot speak or laugh or smile the way he used to.  I love you dad, more than life itself at times and you will be and already are greatly missed.  Thank you for choosing me and loving me and being there for me when I was hurting and sad.  May God bless you and lead you into his kingdom with grace and dignity and eternal love.

Although I am very sad right now readers know this I will not give up!  Never will I give up, I have too much to live for and too much to do still in this lifetime.  I have been a little bit suicidal because of my dad dying and all but I still have my sons and daughter who adore me and need me so much, well some of them more than the others, mainly my teenage son.  I must be strong for him.



In Limbo, not liking it

I’m not one to usually complain but the facts are that I am in major limbo right now.  My dad is not getting better but is also hanging on because he is such a strong person.  I go to the hospital every day and spend time with him which is precious and know he could have another stroke at any moment but I have a choice to make which I feel my finances have already made.

I need to work!  The bills dictate it and aren’t going away…  I am waiting on this one job in particular which would solve all our financial woes but the waiting is killing me.  On the one hand I love spending hours every day with my pa but if I get this job I will be limited to only visiting him as often as my schedule allows:(  And my mom needs me too but is managing to take care of herself pretty well these days.

My teenage son started a homeschool program because of his mental health disorder for his senior year and today we finally started it.  I am hoping he can get the work done and graduate…..

So many parts of my life right now that I am holding my breath on.  I know I need to trust and pray and live in the moment but it is very hard.

My disorder is under control although I still have bad days each week where I can’t find the motivation to do much but other days I am on fire.  I definitely have bipolar tendencies along with Schizoaffective disorder.

Did some therapy online which was helpful but completed that so now I just vent to friends and God.

What are some ways you stay sane when in limbo????


Here is to getting some answers soon,