Welcome to my blog! For new readers click here for my brief bio.

Victoria here with a late night blog. I am still holding a vigil for my father who is eating again but is still very weak from lack of food and recovery from covid. It’s been a day mixed with tears, laughter, dancing, singing, cooking, music on repeat and laundry!

Odd sort of day but here I am excited to share some new ideas I have about this blog. Starting tomorrow I will be blogging about what schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder are and my personal experience with the positive, negative and cognitive symptoms. I will explain more in detail and questions are welcomed.

I am calling it Schizophrenia Education and Personal experiences…

I’m excited anyway so till tomorrow.

peace love light and joy

pax

Victoria

Psychotic episode from 2007…

Things were intensifying. Many messages and late nights feeling the heavy presence of God. No drugs, no alcohol, but some stress of my grandma’s passing may have induced schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder. Dx’ed in 2008.

Things other people take for granted became next to impossible like going to the store. Visits from God at these times or my disorder in full psychotic state, not sure really but it was pretty cool except for the time when~

I was walking down the spice packet aisle at my local grocery store and suddenly the command came to buy one of each. I ignored it at first but suddenly I found myself melting to the store if I did not do this weird thing. I hate to ever cause a scene so after several attempts to ignore what I thought to be God testing my obedience, I did it. I felt the paralyzing of my limbs when I tried to ignore the strong inner command.

$200 later I was leaving the store with bags of spice packets half of which I gave to a friend who I believed had shared psychotic disorder. Paralyzing, commands and testing are not of God I believe. I know now it was this dastard bleeping disorder. And luckily enough, do not have psychotic experiences since started taking goterpy cbd oil full spectrum the past few years.

I voluntarily entered UCLA in January of 2008 and the minute I started taking anti-psychotics meds the symptoms began to cease. The messages stopped mostly. God does break through at times in important things such as certain friendships and others I get the green light.

I must now release these terrible memories and do some cord cutting with my quartz crystal tonight, when the house is quiet…

Wishing you all recovery, peace and love

pax

Victoria

Hello from the other side…

I must have called a thousand times.

Hard week for sure! Anniversary of my dad’s stroke, 4 years as of July 2, 2020. And he still blesses me…

That is our song by Adele, Hello. I do not have him with me in the same way anymore but we still have a strong connection and always will…

No more words on that.

I have decided I am no longer Catholic. 20 years wasted but it was the course I thought I was supposed to be on.

I love Jesus…

nothing more other than I am a child of God as we all are. In my Father’s house there is a place for me…

With that I shall leave you.

Good night my readers and visitors.

May the peace of the Triune God be with you all!

And may you find peace in Jesus also…

pax

Victoria

Welcome and happy Sunday…

Welcome to my new followers~

How I appreciate you all~

There is a method to my madness~

Not as mad as I once was 2006-2008.  Hearing voices, hallucinating, buzzing and messages I had to write down and give to various priests and people.  No one was safe except for a few.  The devil even attacked me and my daughter one night.  God was at the center of all my delusions.

But once I started the antipsychotic drugs everything pretty much stopped.  I went on to earn my Master’s Degree in psychology and worked in the field 2011-2015 until stress caused a relapse of symptoms.  I took a Sociology Teaching job at our local community college and loved it and my students appreciated my teaching until a fight erupted in the classroom and stress again took me out.

I am now on permanent disability and I enjoy writing, gardening, doing yoga, meditating, walking, cooking, cleaning, tidying, and spending time with family and my pups.

I have written a May series on the mentioned activities above but have taken a little break.  Not sure anyone liked the cleaning one haha.  That’s ok.  It’s just where I am at.

Today is Sunday so taking a rest day.  Just some light yoga later and some cooking…

Hope you all have a great day and week ahead!

Pax

Victoria

Part One~ Interesting facts on my Schizophrenia love journey…

None of this is made up.  My memory serves me well when I remember things due to my creativity.  I forget boring things most the time.  You let me know will you please if this is all very weird?  I am not delusional right now for some time now due to the CBD oil I take called Goterpy which I am selling now.  So many benefits but will skip for now as I want to share  the all very odd occurrences since my birth.

  • Born in 1969, first year with man on the moon to celebrate my coming into this world. ok maybe I still am delusional to some extent ha ha.  Anyway the first few years of my life were happy.  Until…
  • Can’t say for sure when or why the turn occurred.  But my earliest moments of oddities were at age 5 bilocating by floating down the hall at the top of the ceiling at night to observe my parents as they watched tv in the family room.
  • No fear then and no real fear now as I face my most difficult time ever but am doing it all very well.
  • My dad is my heart and soul and that is all I shall say about him.  When he finally dies and gets to go home to our Precious Lord Jesus I will die inside and hope it doesn’t cause me backtracking of my disorder…

At times I am very detached from things in this world.  But I am never detached from God…

end of part one

part two on how I thought everyone experienced strange occurrences as a child… coming soon!

pax

Victoria

Part One~ Interesting facts on my Schizophrenia love journey…

None of this is made up.  My memory serves me well when I remember things due to my creativity.  I forget boring things most the time.  You let me know will you please if this is all very weird?  I am not delusional right now for some time now due to the CBD oil I take called Goterpy which I am selling now.  So many benefits but will skip for now as I want to share  the all very odd occurrences since my birth.

  • Born in 1969, first year with man on the moon to celebrate my coming into this world. ok maybe I still am delusional to some extent ha ha.  Anyway the first few years of my life were happy.  Until…
  • Can’t say for sure when or why the turn occurred.  But my earliest moments of oddities were at age 5 bilocating by floating down the hall at the top of the ceiling at night to observe my parents as they watched tv in the family room.
  • No fear then and no real fear now as I face my most difficult time ever but am doing it all very well.
  • My dad is my heart and soul and that is all I shall say about him.  When he finally dies and gets to go home to our Precious Lord Jesus I will die inside and hope it doesn’t cause me backtracking of my disorder…

At times I am very detached from things in this world.  But I am never detached from God…

end of part one

part two on how I thought everyone experienced strange occurrences as a child… coming soon!

pax

Victoria

Short bio

Welcome to my blog!

My name is Victoria and I suffer from Schizoaffective Disorder (SA), which is basically Schizophrenia plus depression; this blog journals my progress from fall 2013 to now although I was diagnosed in 2008. I have experienced both the positive (hallucinations and delusions) and negative symptoms (lack of motivation, flat affect. social difficulties) of Schizophrenia and while the positive symptoms have been under control with Risperdal, since being diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder by UCLA in 2008, I have still suffered from the negative symptoms until recently when my psychiatrist added Latuda. Post diagnosis I received my Masters Degree in Psychology and used to work in the mental health field until stress caused me to try to go on permanent disability in September 2015.

I started this blog in fall 2013 which journals my personal recovery from Schizophrenia. The earliest entries chart my psychotic period 2006/2007 with much in between and my current focus is managing the negative symptoms of Schizophrenia. I welcome all feedback and enjoy meeting new people through this blog and other articles I have written. I have also written a book which is available on Amazon by me, Victoria Marie Alonso- My personal recovery from Schizophrenia, which is for loved ones or those afflicted with this disorder. This blog has been viewed over 11000 times and by over 50 countries! Bienvenidos a todos! Welcome to all!

Please feel free to email me to share your story or that of a loved one at:victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

Other mental health providers or researchers are welcome to ask any questions, as well.

 

Pax

Victoria

A realization…

 

I had a fleeting thought today that I could work again…

I used to do so much at my old jobs.

It would seem as if post diagnosis with Schizophrenia since 2008 I have gotten progressively worse off.  With each failure, whether it was quitting, going on disability, or getting fired, I have each time digressed to a lower level of functioning ability.

This last time when I got fired, I now suffer from anxiety much worse than before.  I take two anti-anxiety medicines plus heavy mindfulness and I am ok if I do all that.  Exercising helps too, can’t forget that.  Today I didn’t exercise much but did some heavy housecleaning so got my heartbeat up.

It just seems as if my life is not getting better at least work-wise.  But I will look for a job after the holidays.  After my dear daughter comes home for a week.  She is my biggest supporter and really helps me sort things out on our long walks everywhere.

At least I can manage my home, bills, pets, teenage son, spontaneous husband and 2 aging parents.  I am not their caregiver but do help them throughout the week sometimes daily.

I am blessed to be alive.  I wanted to be dead at one point but no more.  No, I want to live my life fully and I am grateful for every day I can do that.

Pax

Victoria