Welcome to my blog!
My name is Victoria and I suffer from Schizoaffective Disorder (SA), which is basically Schizophrenia plus depression; this blog journals my progress from fall 2013 to now although I was diagnosed in 2008. I have experienced both the positive (hallucinations and delusions) and negative symptoms (lack of motivation, flat affect. social difficulties) of Schizophrenia and while the positive symptoms have been under control with Risperdal, since being diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder by UCLA in 2008, I have still suffered from the negative symptoms until recently when my psychiatrist added Latuda. Post diagnosis I received my Masters Degree in Psychology and used to work in the mental health field until stress caused me to try to go on permanent disability in September 2015. I was off for one year on disability but it took so long I found a job 2 weeks ago and it is low stress but not in the mental health field. I am doing sales and doing well so far in my training. I go live November 1st and look forward to making some good money as well as help people with products I believe in that are good for their health. I have since been fired by my work and am not able to work right now due to anxiety.
I started this blog in fall 2013 which journals my personal recovery from Schizophrenia. The earliest entries chart my psychotic period 2006/2007 with much in between and my current focus is managing the negative symptoms of Schizophrenia. I welcome all feedback and enjoy meeting new people through this blog and other articles I have written. I have also written a book which is available on Amazon by me, Victoria Marie Alonso- My personal recovery from Schizophrenia, which is for loved ones or those afflicted with this disorder. This blog has been viewed over 11000 times and by over 50 countries! Bienvenidos a todos! Welcome to all!
Please feel free to email me to share your story or that of a loved one at:firstname.lastname@example.org
Other mental health providers or researchers are welcome to ask any questions, as well.
I don’t usually reblog but the blog below really resonated with me not to start new goals but to continue what I am doing already but have lost a little bit of my focus and need to set my eyes on the prize of good balanced mental and physical health.
I had a fleeting thought today that I could work again…
I used to do so much at my old jobs.
It would seem as if post diagnosis with Schizophrenia since 2008 I have gotten progressively worse off. With each failure, whether it was quitting, going on disability, or getting fired, I have each time digressed to a lower level of functioning ability.
This last time when I got fired, I now suffer from anxiety much worse than before. I take two anti-anxiety medicines plus heavy mindfulness and I am ok if I do all that. Exercising helps too, can’t forget that. Today I didn’t exercise much but did some heavy housecleaning so got my heartbeat up.
It just seems as if my life is not getting better at least work-wise. But I will look for a job after the holidays. After my dear daughter comes home for a week. She is my biggest supporter and really helps me sort things out on our long walks everywhere.
At least I can manage my home, bills, pets, teenage son, spontaneous husband and 2 aging parents. I am not their caregiver but do help them throughout the week sometimes daily.
I am blessed to be alive. I wanted to be dead at one point but no more. No, I want to live my life fully and I am grateful for every day I can do that.
sitting here in the cold night air
under the moon my pups beside me
and I am in my own world
I sit and think about all the good
things in my life
Without any strife
God is good and ever faithful
Without him I am nothing just dirt
Without love I am nothing too!
Greater is the depth of sadness
Than any height of gladness
Thoreau wrote that and I feel it right now with my dad having 2 strokes since July 2,2016, being paralyzed on his left side, unable to speak much but still enjoys when I bring him coffee or ice cream. I love my dad and miss talking to him so much but it is still good that I still have him and I appreciate every minute. The depth of my sadness is intense and doesn’t cease except when I am asleep. And I sleep good thanks to the medicine that knocks me right out, and I sleep in till 9 or ten every day and I fall asleep by midnight.
Has any one else felt this sadness?
This is my rant to cyberspace. If anyone reads this please be aware that I am ok just want to share with my readers and anyone where I am at…
Today opened my eyes to something. I am not the same person I was prepsychosis. I used to be a very able bodied person, could handle a lot and get the job done. Well I still can get the job done but it wipes me out at the end of the day and sometimes the next day. I can’t even imagine working again, as I look at all the job descriptions with the degree I have I think no I know that I can’t do the job. I may be able to do it for a while but not long term. This is ok. I am content being a housewife, mother of a teenage child and two adult children, daughter of two frail parents who I do help a lot, blogger and dog lover. But I fail so much because of this disorder. I don’t finish what I start so often and I often don’t start things because I don’t want to fail yet again.
I have self medicated with alcohol (been over 2 years though since I had a drink), marijuana (been clean almost 2 weeks) and food is my worst and best friend although I have managed to lose most of the weight I gained since starting on anti-psychotics through proper diet and exercise. So I guess I should be proud of that. and I succeed at other things too like I made a thanksgiving dinner for six people the other day and it was a huge success. So it is not that I am inept, I just can’t hold down a job or finish some projects out of fear of I don’t know what.
Thank you to all the people who have encouraged me on here, it did help when someone commented that I should look at my blogging as a form of work, helping others. I guess that is why I am blogging now because I want my readers to know that I struggle every day because of this disorder and I have very few people I can talk to about all my struggles. Today I was talking to my brother who is not mentally disordered and he was sharing with me all that was going on in his busy life and I was very proud of him and a little jealous because my life consists of so much less. I used to have huge aspirations, even got my Master’s Degree but now when I dust that large framed certificate I just cringe because I know I will never use it again.
I know I need to be gentle with myself and to accept my plight but it is hard to imagine another 40 years like this. I wake up every day and struggle to get going and some days are better than others. I need and do appreciate the days when I am able to get things done. But some days like today I just sit at my computer for hours and surf the web for something interesting to read and visit my favorite pages and sit and sit. I use music a lot though and that helps. I am a huge George Michael fan I must admit!
So I guess what I want to say is that sometimes life just isn’t fair. I am happy but still discontent because I remember the days when I was able to do so much more. I wish I could be that way again but that isn’t helpful. So I pray the Serenity Prayer, God grant me the ability to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen