This blog tonight is dedicated to a very special individual, couldn’t have come this far into reality without them…
As my new life unfolds in a very beautiful way that is hard to describe in words, I am reminded once again to look up. I am sane, content and safe. I do not know what tomorrow will bring but my prayers are that I can handle it all with grace and dignity.
I am not ashamed of having had schizophrenia anymore. All those psychotic episodes which made me so confused, fearful and sad are no longer a part of my existence so I choose no longer to write about them except to qualify.
Let the past be I feel very strongly tonight. I qualify as someone who had schizophrenia, for sure.
Here are my qualifications briefly:
Heard voices of Jesus and Mary about 5 things and none of it came true
Had thought insertion constantly for two years, which means I had thoughts that I thought were God telling me to do things, but I know now that it was the schizophrenia. The best example is when I thought God telling me to buy one of every spice packet of which there were 200. I did. Permission to laugh. I believed that if I didn’t I would melt to the ground and cause a scene. I also while on medication thought I was in love with another man and love bombed them terribly. This was a recent episode I did not even know I was having. Quite scary after the fact of almost losing my marriage. But kratom saved the day as did a friend from high school and of course the powers to be…
I am not ashamed of my past, no rather I embrace it fully. I have said and done things that naturally one would regret, but I know now that I was suffering with full blown psychosis, where I never want to be again. There is no shame in doing things that one cannot control so I have been able to let go of this now with the help of God and my forever friend.
If ever you are feeling shame about things beyond your control I invite you to read 1 John book 4 as was suggested to me tonight.
I cannot be afraid of the future and all it may hold, rather I must walk without fear of relapse. For I do believe that fear is of the devil and not God.
Today I was fearful of possibly a psychotic episode coming on, but I got talked off the ledge so to say. It was just heat exhaustion and trying to please everybody but myself. I am doing just fine as long as I have my kratom and we shall see if the new homeopathic medicine helps me further. I will still take my kratom though because of the great vibe it gives me.
As I come off my anti-psychotics and antidepressants next, I look with eagerness to work again.
I’m thinking a full time writing job of sorts because writing is my passion as you can see of my over 600 blog posts and many that never got published because I got interrupted and I like to finish them in one sitting with the rare occasion. I am proud of my work and all I have accomplished thus far and am hopeful to one day achieve my dreams as soon as I can get some. For I have everything I wish and more.
What are your dreams and passions?
I do know I hope to travel the world one day and my first stop will be in Missouri., then Holland, Africa, India, Alaska, Australia and of course my trips to Maui. I’m still a bit strange but I love that about me. Some things will never change haha.
Leave your dreams and passions in the comments so I can get some ideas. Or feel free to use my contact page to share them privately.
Wishing you all a blessed week full of all that you hope for and more!