Faith in the Fire

lit bonfire outdoors during nighttime
Photo by Vlad Bagacian on

It’s easy to have faith when things are going well…

But to have faith that all will be well when the walls are crumbling down, that is different way to be.

I will speak from my own experience these past 52 years.

A lot happened to me when I was 5. Good and bad.

I found out I was adopted, not traumatic, I was told I was chosen and it felt good:)

I was chased by a St. Bernard dog

a bernese mountain dog in the snow
Photo by jorien Stel on

on my way home from preschool. He knocked me down and started licking me thinking it was a game after jumping over a high fence when I started running away after seeing him peak over the fence. A neighbor we didn’t know helped me calm down, brought me home and thus began a long wonderful friendship with Dale, my rescuer.

I also acknowledged belief in God for the very first time. I was walking to preschool (a different day) and my shoelace broke. I blamed God, looking up to heaven in frustration. It was a connection that I lost for a while off and on through my years, but looking back I believe He is always with us, even when we are not thinking of Him.

boy tying his shoelaces
Photo by Anastasia Shuraeva on

5 years old and so wise haha. I wish I had the same faith as I did back then at times. Full belief, love, innocence and gratefulness when He helped me figure out how to rinky dink my shoelaces to fix them so I could get to school.

I heard my first voice when I was 7 and didn’t think much about it. Whether it was God or prodromal Schizophrenia, I will never know until I pass on into eternity. And I am fine with that.

It used to drive me nuts, the not knowing about my psychotic symptoms at age 36 when I had my first psychotic break. I would think about a lot and try to make sense of it all. I couldn’t so put it in the mystery column years later. I have much in the mystery column.

The funny thing to me is that I believe that God gave me the gift of Schizophrenia back in 2006 but also that He is taking it away now with kratom and soon with the homeopathic treatment.

I have prayed to be relieved of the suffering involved with serious mental health disorder at various times through the years as it has affected some of my loved ones greatly and for that I did not sign up. I prayed to be able to suffer for God and believe that He honored my heartfelt prayers in the Gift of Schizophrenia.

But ultimately it has been a blessing rather than a curse because I am able to help others along the path through this blog and other avenues that are presented.

Of course I wish I was perfect in my Faith. But I am only human and while much of the time I am at peace with any suffering that comes my way, other times I fight it like anybody else.

To have a serious mental disorder or terminal illness is hard any around it. But when we trust in Him that made us, it makes it more than bearable. It is exquisite when faith leads to hope, hope leads to joy and joy leads to many many blessings beyond belief.

I pray you all have a wonderful day/night as this blog finds it way to you.

My day has only begun right now. Much to do but not worried anymore as I was earlier. I have received the gift of faith once again in full measure and will do as much good as I can in the process.



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s