I am on a quest, once again. And nothing will stop me unless the Universe demands it of me…
I have much work ahead of me but am piecing it all together and it is starting to make sense. To unravel my brain is not easy but recognizing patterns, coping mechanisms and reading inspirational works really helps. I am also willing to be honest with myself and although I am my biggest critic am learning to be gentle with the parts of me that I am asking to leave.
My past is of no matter anymore except when it serves me to think about why I have one of my parts. My part called Storm, who doesn’t give a fuck about anything, is the one I am really discerning why this part comes up. I believe that it stems from when I was a teenager and had controlling parents. I did things I am not proud of but I was under the influence of heavy illegal drugs and Storm was actively present.
Yet all the crazy things I did were with measure but still extreme at times. I lived on the streets of New York at age 18 and it was insane. I would walk around bad parts of Lower East Side Manhattan at 2am and act like I was crazy so people would leave me alone. I am just now remembering some of it. When a friend, Carrie a 14 year old runaway from New Jersey died in a fire I came home, went to rehab and began my life as a mother and wife. I wasn’t disturbed at all with mental issues raising my children until I got Schizophrenia when my kids were 8, 12, and 17.
But this f’n medicine with so many side effects helps but yet I wish I didn’t have to take it. Weight gain is my current sadness. Today was a fun but sad day. We spent the afternoon at my sister’s, our first time hanging out over there since her husband passed in November 2020. My sister pulled out all the stops and it was an oasis retreat with her pool and cabanas. We haven’t been invited over there for years. Not sure why but perhaps it was because they needed that time for each other and now that my sister is on her own is really enjoying family.
I also bought my first baby clothes for Sofia, my granddaughter due in October! Little pink tie dye onesie and little jeans with booties with lemons on them which my dil loves. Fun times today for sure!
This healing journey is long but I am ready, I think.
peace love light and joy