Feeling groovey…

This is a lighter post tonight. Life has been heavy lately and I have finally gotten a break!

I’m doing ok, maybe a little better than ok at times and tonight has been good. A much easier day than yesterday. Ate some artichokes which I haven’t cooked for years. They remind me of childhood, so much work! But good in the end…

I did spend a lot of time with my daughter today so that certainly helped. Hubbie is gone and yesterday was yesterday but it got me really appreciating him with his loudness and messiness. I miss him! Talked to him today but couldn’t really hear as it was noisy on his end. Looking forward to his return and my dogs miss him too! He has good energy…

I have been enjoying the two new books and it is a fight over which one I will read next. I’ve been a little lazy with hubbie gone. But he’s relaxing so I don’t feel bad. The house is tidy but as usual dishes in the sink. I have gotten in the practice of doing them at night so I can wake up to a clean kitchen so off I will go in a bit.

I am excited for this Sunday. I am going to go on an in person outing with my friends at Safe Haven 20 miles away. It should be fun but trying not to get too anxious about socializing with these new people in my life. We are walking to a touristy coffee shop, so I’ll get some exercise in as well as some socializing not on Zoom! The world is opening up. Do you feel it too? It’s a bit scary for me but not going to muse about that tonight.

Gardening tomorrow is planned and visiting with my mom and dad:) Also working on downloading the digitized memories I got after sending in 14 mini video tapes from 29 years and more recent like ten years. I used imemories and after everything it cost me $150 Us dollars. I haven’t watched them all but it will be a trip down memory lane. The little I have watched has been wonderful of my children when they were little and not so little.

It’s amazing how much we forget. So much is constantly happening with periods of rest and relaxation.

This is making me think that I need to really make the most of my time on this earth. There goes the light post! Sorry but it is my mind! I choose life, I choose hope, I choose love, love, love.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

what is going on?…

drrama never ends over here! much today…latest incident i hit my hand on the door and now icing it so typing with my left hand ha ha i am addicted to blogging

mild food poisoning twice, my mom is upset with me and problems with a close family member mentally who is hospitalized and it may be DID disorder…wow

are these days to be considered normal, is anyone else seeing a spike in mental health crisises in families? I sure am and I am one of them. I didn’t share my own difficulties with my daughter in law but did share what I could and was glad to talk to my son too and offer support when I am falling apart. They can’t ever know because I want them to count on me as the very best grandma I can be. They don’t need to hear my drama. I don’t want to hear my drama. If I’m still falling apart come October when the baby is due, I will have to tell them. But they are counting on me to babysit and today I can barely take care of myself and my pups…

All I want is peace and quiet. One day though as the music is blaring to a very quiet empty house…

Typing with both hands now, hand feeling better after icing it but looks like I damaged a blood vessel in two parts of my hand.

Super excited to share that I am back reading again! I started reading a new book called “How to do the work” by author Nichole LePera and following her on instagram. Her handle is holistic psychologist (3.9 million followers!) and I really am into the book, which is also available on Audible. I got the book from Safe Haven and am finding it more helpful than therapy the bit I have read. We shall see…

I’m not happy entirely with my new therapist. She has helped some to sort through some stuff from my childhood but I find her forgetful and distracted.

Anyway, doing the best I can with what I’ve been given. I have many gifts to share and I do when I can. Little ways, big ways, a kind smile under the mask (both kinds of masks).

But I have figured something out from the book I started today~

My busyness I thought was a reflection on how I am doing,

but I have learned today that it is not.

It is a distraction from dealing with unhealed childhood trauma.

I am really thinking about this and I hope it makes sense. Today I have not been able to be busy due to food poisining and today has sucked until tonight. I thrive at night. At least I got the dishes done! My hand is throbbing right now.

I also just received the book recommended by one of my faithful followers (thanks again), called You will Never be Normal. It’s out in my mailbox. I love getting new books that sometimes resonate with me and if they don’t I don’t finish them.

Why can’t life be this simple. On page everything is nice and tidy but life sure can be messy.

Glad I am good at figuring things out!

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Midnight peace…

Hubbie is away so Im gonna play….

Took a late night shower and all ready for bed but drank coffee late so have a few minutes to share my latest ponderings…

Life is short in the grande scheme of everthing; but it is long too as is the case of my dad and mom. I’m prepared but I will be rich too, all the same, I don’t want them to die although I have accepted it as inevitable and have made peace with God and them.

So why am I stuck in my childhood? Been doing a lot of thinking about it. There was good. I excelled in school and was often the teacher’s pet, but I didn’t mind because I craved attention and approval from wherever I could get it. I would adopt my friend’s moms and always pleased them, it was so easy to get approval from everywhere unless my mom would ruin it somehow. Even today I don’t share all my good news because she always looks at the downside.

I force myself to look at the bright side and to almost always be kind especially with this pandemic. People are starting to feel comfortable again. I’m not ready but with upcoming travels will be forced. I know the pandemic has affected my mental health as it was a few months in when I noticed the first identity front (be most present). It scared and confused me.

And now I am at peace tonight. I am not thinking the negative reel tonight. I am thinking of heaven in a non suicidal way. We are all homeward bound. Of that much I know. Yet, spirituality evades me these days. Absent is my religion; active is my music expansion and netflix addiction of Grey’s Anatomy. Now there’s some drama…

Anyhow, off to bed I go wishing you all adieu

peace love light and joyy

Victoria

Midnight musings part two…it’s a boy!

Learned the gender today and found out it is a boy! I am having a grandson in October named David!!! Beyond excited. He is healthy and growing and doing great!

So tonight’s obsession is about my husband. He is chaotic to say the least. He always is loud except when drunk or asleep and has fifty things going on at a time. He thrives on it really. Kind of funny in a not so funny way.

Well, anyway, remember my busy life from now till November? well add in a week long trip to Mexico with my husband, daughter and mother in law.

Wow!

I am pushing through life. I make love not war in all situations.

Bless you all! Sorry short musings but had to share my happy news and reality of my husband.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Spread the love…

This is my mission today despite whatever…

Spreading sunshine in the garden today was lovely. I played fetch with my pups and watered the flowers and some of the veggies. I woke up to a dreary day, with a nightmare to boot. But the sun came out and enjoyed it on my face.

It is not hard to love people, but it is hard to like them at times I have found. And the people we are with the most we find the most irritating. This is where I am at today.

I typically love to spoil my family. But today I am feeling depleted of energy to overlook our shortcomings. Reminders of failure forever beckon my mind as I push them out with “shutup”. Maybe I need to be more kind to them too but my negative nelly aka my mind fights hard to stay on track with a healthier way of thinking.

I am trying though to stop all negative thought reels that forever play in my mind on days such as this.

How do you stop from negativity getting the best of you?

Off to find inspiration somewhere!

My key on my car broke so towing it to the dealer 30 miles away (ouch). Our bad because we should have had a spare key many moons ago.

peace love light and joy

Victoria

the bane of my existence just got better…

So with all that has been happening, I no longer believe this will be an easy year.

I’d like to think that it will, but it is soooooo hard.

So I have decided to really get obsessed with fun things, for starters it’s my daughter’s birthday month so fun times planned with her and father’s day. A small party over here with all who love her the most and good grub! Already began the spoiling, special treats, presents and new garden furniture (only $100 used off Facebook) where she can work at when she is home working and where I will be relaxing too. It gives me great joy this month that I get to bless her with something every day. May be a note or sticker. It makes my days funner.

And today I decided that I am going to throw the baby shower for my daughter-in-law! It is going to be Luau style withh a pig cooked in the ground and everything! I am a little nervous as I have never thrown a baby shower before and I don’t know if it is my place but no one else was stepping up and mom to be was starting to plan it and I just want her to enjoy it all! I didn’t help with my baby showers at all! I will be calling in my sister in law who is more like a sister, who has probably thrown over a hundred. She will be a great help.

So now that I have projects that I truly enjoy I am no longer suffering as much. We are also going to Hawaii in September, staying in my sister’s timeshares. And then baby to be born October. Much good!

Oh there’s plenty of stuff to complain about but I choose to focus on the good. I might visit my dad today, which is never easy, but glad to have a little more time with him.

Enjoy your Sunday!

peace, love light and joy

Victoria

I’ve never wanted an easy life but a break every now and then would be nice…

I do get breaks don’t get me wrong but it seems lately that I am constantly putting out fires as my dad would say.

I have been severly depressed, stressed, and to top it off trip to doctor for “massive bladder infection” said the doc. Feeling like crap but better today a bit so back to writing for me.

Writing is a good friend if that makes sense. Haven’t been journaling at all because I was taking care of my son’s dog who finally went home after two weeks. A huge 9 month old puppy! So relieved…

I push through despite the constant fires I have to put out. My husband is awesome thankfully and rolls with all the punches pretty well. I have not shared with him my DID disorder diagnosis. He can barely handle if you can call it that my Schizoaffective Disorder, but because it is well managed, I know that helps everyone. I do not stop taking my meds no matter what!

I had to run an emergency errand to bring medicine to my mom today when all I wanted to do was chill. So I chose to make it fun and it was. After getting it to her, letting my sister know she had it, and taking a deep breath, I went to Dutch Bros which is a local new coffee spot that we treat ourselves to when things are getting better. It also happened to be my daughter’s birthday month so I spoiled her and her coworker to coffee which helped them get through a lawyer thing. So cool! They appreciated it in spades and I enjoyed my drink as well.

Came home, air fried some chicken with mac n cheese for my son and myself then hung out with my husband a bit and then with him and his friends. They have bbqs over here every Friday night and now that I am vaccinnated I am trying to be more social.

Back inside after longer than usual but can only hear about cars for too long! I have a pile of dishes and laundry but there’s later as the night is young here in California.

Wondering if life will ever settle down but with a grandbaby on the way it may not.

I’d say the best thing I did for me today was to turn a difficult situation of having to help my mom and not feeling great myself and choosing to celebrate my daughter and get over social anxiety at the bbq.

Have a great weekend everyone

peace love light and joy to all!

Victoria

Oh love in sadness…

I am filled with joy 🥲 tonight after a pretty good day! Joy that I am visiting my dad again easier now that COVID restrictions have lifted. He’s still on hospice but every moment I get to spend time with him is a precious gift to both of us.

Joy that my new therapist is helping me already! Just saying it all to a professional was a great release of all my frustration over the past month!

Joy that my son and daughter-in-law will be back tomorrow and pick up their puppy.

Joy that my newest book “ A Year without fear” by Tama Kieves which is 365 days of 5 minute mind set shifts, is something I am enjoying. One nugget I got was to choose a new comfort. So I did. I did a yoga class today and took my pup on a half hour walk. I also played a little in the garden 🪴

This is progress as I actually almost enjoyed the movement of yoga but learned I like to do my own thing too. And the walk was perfect 👌 made a healthy dinner tonight and ate all my veggies!

I can see the light again and it feels good 😌

Peace love light and joy

Victoria