Depression…May series 2021

“When I get depressed it is like black blinders covering my eyes, I can see a very narrow light that is inaccessible” Susan from my stay in UCLA back in Jan 2008.

Susan was my friend during my stay (hospitalization) and I learned very valuable lessons from her as my own depression set in. I learned not to say that they didn’t look depressed because often people with depression are good at masking it; I know I am. At the end of our weeklong visit (joking) at UCLA she wore a yellow shirt (as opposed to her usual darker color choices) and I commented she must be feeling better. She scoffed not at me but that she wasn’t. She was receiving ect (electorconvulsive therapy) for hard to treat depression and I never know what happened to her but I still think of her a lot as I am currently in a very depressed state and wearing almost all black.

My depression situatuional has lifted becaus3e I cannot stand the grief. I am doing things that help and do not hurt me. Depression is very dark for me but I choose joy! Life cannot always be happy and I am learning this.

This is my feeble attempt at sharing during this splendid month.

I choose life, I choose joy, I choose all that is good.

Tomorrow will reveal more.

Excited for a new day of possibilties~

peace, love light and joy

victoria

Cant say how I really feel…

Oh I can rant and rave how much mental health disorders suck and tell it to fuck off, but I will not.

I choose joy…

I choose life over death…

I choose to take my meds every day no matter what…

I choose therapy when I have no one else to turn to…

This is how I manage my mental health disorder. I try things out and when they do not work out I switch gears and try from another angle or choose to do something different. It is all about trial and error really. What may work for me may not work for another; or it may. This is why I blog~

I blog because it is a release of my pent up thoughts which are ever with me. My mind has a disorder but I am able to lift myself out of it sometimes briefly sometimes longer and do things that are hard, painful and things that will not be written about here.

Yesterday was a different sort of day. I got a massage in the morning, a mothers day gift from my dear daughter, had a health lunch out, watched a softball game and hung out with my family after talking about future plans for all and then late night talks with hubbie. I forgot I had a disorder at all during those wonderful moments. But then wake up and here I am again musing my life and trying to do my best.

Although yesterday was a wonderful day in many ways there was also some grief. But I choose joy. I do not choose drama but may be causing some soon…haha a story for a different life.

I will not give up!

peace love light and joy

Victoria

I choose my future…

Again music comes to my aid.

Goodbye Yellow Brick Road by Sarah Bareilles feat Elton John

This song speaks to me tonight as I ponder my future and that of my loved ones. I have to be ok bottom line. There are bad people out there and I cannot protect the world. I have tried. My God knows.

I am fighting depression even deeper than before. But I choose to end the suffering, the angst, the powerlessness. I choose to fight for good in any way I can. I wont apologize. I wont even think. I will just do it. Unrepentant.

Fighting for my mental health during May Mental Health Awareness Month during a very strange time in this world. Where fear meets its enemy, hope.

I have hope now. I have hope for better days. I have hope for my family and all my loved ones and the world. Most importantly I have hope for myself. I can choose to let thoughts about what I cannot control not consume me. I choose to fight for myself and my loved ones. Something needs to change and I am ready. I don’t want to know the future. I am glad I dont.

Computer is acting up!

More tomorrow

peace, love light and joy

Victoria

Pain is deep…

Parsley, Rosemary and thyme~Simon and Garfunkel

I haven’t blogged all week because the pain is so deep of what I have gone through.

I had to cancel my assessment for the second time so taking that as a sign from the universe to stop trying with her.

An incident from 20 years ago came back to haunt me on my trip down south. It was traumatic and unfortunately involving one of my children. I have to protect a new family the predator is now involved with but don’t know how. Been trying to figure it out on my own but my sister (God bless her) had heard about it and called me so I did have someone to talk to about it yesterday.

Why are mental health problems so fucking hard? My brain has a disorder and right now I am fighting to breathe air… Big things like this really set me off down a spiral staircase to only God knows where.

I am experimenting with my gingko intake. Wondering if it is causing me to hyperfocus on the bad and negativity of every situation?

I am home alone with my thoughts and music and comforts. Hubbie had to go back down south to pick up my car after it got fixed, which broke down on our travels. Usually this would be great but the impending situation at my hands is before my mind and all I can think about.

Might garden a bit as the weather is perfect.

I am postponing all other activities until I am able to warn this unsuspecting woman with grandchildren.

Pleasee helppp me God to find her and share what is so painful to even mention to myself. Lots of tears this week.

Hope all of you are doing well. I’m still fighting and not giving up but it is fuckinng harder than ever to figure it out.

peace, love light and joy

Victoria

A story about a frog part two!

My first part of this story got more views than usual so damn technology! I’m using my phone to bring you Harry the frog 🐸 who has been spreading much joy! I hope it comes through.

This frog I named Harry gives me hope that this too shall pass. Today I shared with my husband the cost of ongoing therapy and he was ok with it! He doesn’t understand mental health but knows I struggle so this was huge and he is gladly paying for it.

Harry reminds me of how something so little can be so significant to me and the others I have shared him with.

I am sending this picture to Neil diamond because that’s what fans have done because of his song about a frog who becomes a king. His 🐸 room is filled up but hope he has room for one more of his newest fans gifts.

Much anxiety today about traveling tomorrow but I feel safe with my husband so all will be well!

sorry frog didn’t come through, will get my son to help soooonn…

Peace love light and joy 🥲

Victoria

A story about a frog…

Soooo it has been a very hard weekend although I had a lovely day of relaxing with my adult children….

I volunteered at our local farm and met a frog (or two). I even took a picture of Harold (yes I named him and Harry for short) but because of technical issues with my new laptop can’t post it. I was so happy to be gardening with froggies. I enjoyed it so much that I am going back Tuesday to finish what I started…

Back to the frog. I have been obsessed with Jason Mraz and pretty much only listen to him. Well I found a new old singer that I am listening to right now singing “Sweet Caroline”, yes it is Neil Diamond and he sings about a frog becoming a king or prince. I am blown away again by a God shot like this. Thank you Neil Diamond for so many years of great music and I just found you! He is still alive, I think he is 80. I need a vinyl but I love his concerts the most. I am sending him a picture of the frog I met; he has a whole room dedicated to frogs called his frogatorium! One more is on the way.

So why did this mean so much? Because I know I need help and yes it is on the way but I am here now and the only thing that helps is to be busy and music. And I really needed a break from Jason, sorry man, I’m your biggest fan but need a bit of a break. Neil Diamond is providing that along with a few others, Simon & Garfunkel too! Music helps me so much.

So Harry I hope you are well and will visit me again on Tuesday.

For now I am simply doing the very best I can with what God has given me.

I am traveling this week so don’t think I will be blogging much but back by Friday for my assessment with my new therapist.

peace llove light and joy

Victoria

Quote of the day… —

I love getting these quotes in my email every day. I always have to look at the pic below and often imagine my favorite quotes above my sofa… This one means a lot to me. Robin Williams in I forget the movie (help someone) encourages his students with this phrase in such an impactful way. It brings tears to my eyes or might be from seeing my dad today. Thinking about those who have passed or may in the near future. Makes me want to hold all my loved ones close…Not suicidal happy to report and house to myself tonight! Going to garden, clean and write! pax Victoria

Quote of the day… —

May Joys…

There is so much joy in the month of May for me. I enjoy being in my garden late in the day with my doggies at my side relaxing and enjoying the hard work of me and my daughter with a full veggie section and planting the flower part tomorrow!

I am working on the depression piece for May series 2021 but I’m not gonna lie it’s kind of depressing to write about depression especially when one finds themselves situationally depressed although I am coming out of it because I found my therapist after 3 consults. The consults themselves wiped me out so I took a long bath tonight and am choosing to write about things that bring me joy.

Be back in a sec…

Because I choose to be like Scarlett O’hara and think about tomorrow tomorrow…

I am taking a lot of me time. Realizing huge gaps in my memory about my childhood because of what it was like for an empath to grow up feeling unloved due to heavy criticism and some verbal abuse from my mother. I sought love everywhere, other families would sort of adopt me, I enjoyed spending time with the elderly and I excelled in school although not to my full potential but I did damn good.

May is not only Mental Health Awareness Month but it is also the month of Mary! I have a Mary garden and it is blooming nicely just for her. Ivy has grown around her statuette and the rose bush is blooming partially.

I am forcing myself to keep positive right now. As I type I think of all the things wrong in any given topic with my life, gardens hell life. Yet I choose because I want to to look on the bright side. I’m not all about rainbows and butterflies but I do try to keep it real and that is why I love blogging…

But as for tomorrow, we, my mom and I, are going to visit my dad, which we always know may be the last time…

I have the morning planned out to get shit done and then the afternoon to just chill and go to bed as early as I want! The house is prepped today, there is food ready to eat in the fridge and all is well.

I know that finding a therapist that I can connect with and who has expertise in both DID and Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder is bringing much relief. She did question my diagnosis as DID and Schizophrenia can be confused but in DID one dissociates (which I have since an early age) and Schizophrenia (no dissociatinng). I am already learning from her and I like her. But I know I have both and am seeking integration of all my different parts.

So taking a break after the visit with my mom and dad tomorrow and have my grief therapist on Friday afternoon. If I feel up to it I am going to volunteer that morning at Growing Grounds a farm that supports the mental health program I am involvevd in. But only if I can get to bed early…

What are some things that bring you joy in May?

peace, love and light and joy

Victoria

May the 4th be with you:)

I never get that right on the right day so Im in a good mood mostly.

I have 3 consults set up with therapists who deal in DID disorder over today and tomorrow. Feeling hopeful and preparing to integrate and deal with trauma from my childhood which has caused this. Might even try EMDR but we shall see… I have been sorting through referrals and emails and feel it is good to have three to choose from. Trust is the biggest thing…

I am finding it hard to focus on this year’s May series. Started my rough draft on depression and feeling good about it but because I am fighting depression (situational) once again so it is hard to get mysefl motivated during this time of the unknown journey I am on the cusp of as one therapist put it. Anyway not giving up but puttinng it to the side till the consults are over.

I love to write, lists, journals, notes, blogs, emails. It is really my favorite pasttime other than gardening:)

Sending you all peace, love light and joy

Victoria