I am coming out…I am me with 15 parts…

I have 15 separate identities, parts or alters or whatever you may wish to call them.

I have schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder, at least one of us do.

I am starting therapy soon, Monday! I am happy about that…

But I am scared as today one of my alters came out, the angry one. It scared me. I feel like I am losing control.

I am not suicidal; I am ready to be treated by a professionnal.

But the path I am on although unknown is sure… I am sure of that much.

I am strong; I am wise; I am ready.

Life is too short to ignore things that are serious and right now I have a serious brain disorder called DID disorder.

I am ready to integrate but don’t see how that is possible, at least on my own. I need help and I am getting it.

That much is sure.

I find myself at a loss for more words tonight and will probably be silent these next few days because of the anticipation of the upcoming assessment. Childhood memories are flooding me at a lessened extent. Some memories are very clear and others are completely gone. Gone forever unless the therapist is a magician. We shall see.

Wishing you all peace love light and joy

Michelle

Living in the moment I am…

Being mentally unwell means many things to me…

It is a game I play when I am not at my best. I make lists of the most simple tasks and some not so simple. I tackle them in the order I set them up and play through the day with times of relaxation when I’m not panicking. Yesterday was a panic day; today was getting stuff done despite how I felt.

I don’t always push through but I happen to be puppy sitting a huge 9 month old yellow lab, my son’s dog, for two weeks, who is unruly but very sweet. I am trying to train her but we shall see. Anyway, it is that I have to have the house managed right now; I have to be there for my parents right now; I have to take care of my needs; I have to be strong for my youngest and all my children even though they are all adults.

I choose this today. Tomorrow I might not. Just being honest as usual.

It also means that I have to really plan my meals so I don’t eat junk all day or nothing preferrably. I don’t have much of an appetite lately due to my situational depression and anxiety. But then again I think I am killing myself with my vices. Coffee and nicotine are ever by my side throughout the day. Never when I blog though…and always my reward. afterwards.

When I blog, I get into a groove. I like to do it in one sitting but alas distractions are ever before me.

Being ok is elusive for me at times, it hides itself from me. I try to fix it myself but this new therapist I need to help me with integrating. I tried it on my own and have found supression of my many identiies to be too stressful. Monday can’t come soon enough for the assessment and her reccomendations for what to do next. I am remaininig probably in supression mode for now because it is safest.

I do remember the kind words of my favorite musician Jason Mraz to the effect~ when you don’t know something just be where your feet are

and for me that is living in the moment…

Thanks for reading my ramblings tonight.

As ever

peace love light and joy to all of you

Victoria

Soolamen…taking me home

I am drinking tonight after a day of realizations. I have been busy in many ways and I am happy to report that I have a new therapist who specializes in DID disorder. I definitely have it. I won’t write about it on here too much but today was fucked up again so I sought help. We shall see if this therapist pans out. I watch for signs and the last assessment I had scheduled got canceled twice due to other pressing matters. We shall see.

I started a blog on DID disorder today and it was beautiful with dark colors and flowers but I decided that it is not where I wish to blog. I shall remain here ever as your servant. For better or worse I will blog because I am compelled to in so many ways. It helps me firstly, and the activity shows me that others are reading my blogs and liking them so I know I am reaching others. But a part of me wishes I had all the answers. I don’t unfortunately.

Looking at my past has really stirred up a lot of emotion. My parents did their best. My mom provided many activities but was lacking in the emotional arena. I love her though with all my heart even though right now I am not talking to her a lot due to many different reason. Tomorrow we are visiting my dad so send positive thoughts please!

I was really fucked up today mentally due to untreated DID disorder. But I have hope for Monday. I wish to integrate but losing my identities is also scary because they are a part of me and I am used to them. Michelle, the host of the system, is excited about the new therapist and getting some help. She needs it. Sorry if this is confusing but my real name is Michelle. Victoria is a pseudo name but was also the name my birth mother gave me when I was born so not too far off.

Brief history for anyone who cares. I was conceived by an unknown father, my birthmom struggled with keeping me or giving me up for adoption to a Catholic home, which she did, but the home I first went to was with a woman who was diagnosed with a terminal illness so I was removed and placed in an orphanage and later adopted by my mom and dad. My mom was unloving,, unkind, strict and controlling to say the least. This is how I split at an early age and rebelled as a teenager to say the least again.

That is all for now!

Except for tonight’s song, Soolaman by Neil Diamond here. I am obsessed with this song tonight.

pax

Victoria

I am I said to no one there…fighting DID disorder!

I am so much. Yet at times “I am lost and I can’t even say why”.~Neil Diamond. The pain is always there but at times it is lessened due to the many joys in my life right now along with these dastard disorders.

DID disorder is a real thing. Some people doubt, even professionals, but I don’t having met someone with it and myself now. I am seeking integration, which basically means I am hoping to consolidate all my parts into one, just me. But it is complex and I have decided to do inner child work instead of working with a DID therapist because of the cost.

I guess this is a little bit of my blog for the month on DID (dissociative identity disorder). Now that things have settled down on the home front I am back to confronting my demons with all the courage I can muster to fight DID disorder. It takes great courage for me to look at myself as a child. Most people with DID disorder have childhood trauma and in my case it was emotional abuse and emotional neglect that caused these parts to emerge as a coping mechinism.

I believe that I was an empath or hsp (highly sensitive person) from birth, especially as I remember pictures of me as a young child. But not receiving the love and attention from my mom who was my main caregiver caused me tremendous pain even to this day. My sister fared much better; my brother not as bad as me. My dad when he was around (he worked a lot) was my sunshine and still is today:)

It’s interesting though how so much of my childhood is coming back to me through various channells. Music, childhood friends, memories of tv shows especially the Fonze eehhhhhh, and a group chat on Facebook for my grammar school. My parents did their best, that much I know and I love them both dearly and am so glad they are both still alive today.

The song I quoted above is yes another Neil Diamond song I just love. It conveys so much meaning I will share it here for anyone in the mood for some great music. It is called~ I am I said~ and you can listen to it here.

Where would I be without my music?

pax

Victoria

Happy National Schizophrenia here in the USA~Special celebration blog…

I celebrate because I have not taken my life. I may be like the moon evermoving but yet always there for me, my readers and all my loved ones. I choose life over death and actually enjoyed my day despite more drama around me.

I am puppy sitting for my son and daughter in law who are pregnant, due in October! Zelda is 9 months and is huge as it is a golden lab. I love Zelda and am training her. I have her two weeks and we are already making progess nicely…

But it has upset my routine but I find myself today and yesterday open to new interactions, today talked to a gal at Safe Haven and we always enjoy each others conversation. Today we discovered we both have acting pasts. I am going to hopefully attend a new drama class that should be fun!

We have to have fun when we can because otherwise life would be too dreary. I listen to upbeat music and my latest obsession is Neil Diamond. So far I love these songs all on Youtube. Cherry cherry, Beautiful noise, you are the sun I am the moon, Holly Holy, Girl youre gonna be a woman soon and more. His concerts are the best and he led such an interesting life it is fun to get to know him through his audience performances. He actually danced with Princess Diana!

Anyway, bottom line~ Having Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder sucks at times but by reaching out and getting help in 2008, I changed the course of my life. I was psychotic for two years. It was a strange scary and exciting time. Religion was everything to me. And that is all I shall say about my experience with Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder. If you are interested feel free to use the search engine next to the left of my blog title especially the Gift and my bio.

Thank you all for the likes and positive comments and emails. This journey that I have been blogging about my personal recovery from schizophrenia (9 years now) really has been fun and interesting getting to know all of you whether I read your blogs for a while or we corresponded at one point. I look forward to the next 9 years.

pax

Victoria

My never ending tool kit for those kind of days….

After my last episode, I decided to develop a toolkit of sorts so that the next time that I am not ok I can refer to this list and remember what helped last time. I am doing this in question format so that the sane me can help the future me that might not be ok;) Feel free to reblog or use at your pleasure. No credit is needed.

Are your basic needs met? Hygiene, food, water, coffee, little sugar, warm enough, comforts in proper order?

Are you cold? Take a shower or bath depending on the time of day and my energy level as baths take much more energy and time.

Are you bored? Can you go garden as it gives you so much pleasure? Dress warm or wear a hat and put on your gardening shoes. Just watering, or deadheading the flowers or soaking up the sun…

Have you checked in with your support team? Which for me is now growing and I am always looking for new people to add that I can help or they can help me. An old friend I have known for ten years and who has seen me at my best and at my worst without any judgment came over today and we spent time in my garden.

This is the beginning of my list. And I will be adding more tomorrow as it is a special day!~

It is National Schizophrenia Day tomorrow May 24th so I will be posting a special post in memory for all who suffer from Schizophrenia or Loved ones and for those who help us and those who fight for us against the stigma especially.

peace, love light and joy

Victoria

Ahh a new day…

Yesterday I am writing off as just a bad day for me mentally. They happen…

Several days but who is counting.

Bottom line I reached out for help, simply saying~I am not ok to my daughter and her whisk into action. My saviour. I normally would have my best friend to help balance me out but alas we are still not talking. A text here and there expressing our love but knowing the memorial coming up causes me to wish to reach out to her. I pray for a sign but it is so complicated as most things in my life.

When one is a people pleaser life can often get messy. I try to please everyone even myself. I do not burn out often but this week was just too much I guess and I needed a break and a bit of exercise yesterday, which lifted me up and much more today, gardening and cleaning all day with breaks. I got a sunburn gardening but I do not mind because it helps me remember how good it feels again to start to enjoy a hobby.

I read a quote recently that said~ choose courage over comfort~ I choose both because I have to. One good thing that is coming out of this latest episode is that I am learning to set boundaries. Today for example, I was going to get food for my husband and his workers/friends and I told him it would be a while because (didnt explain to him though) I was perusing my local record store for some new vinlys, yes, my latest obsession, Neil Diamond! It took longer than I anticipated as I was having such a hard time deciding because there were so many! I am going back tomorrow!

I am learning from my sister who lost her husband in November to think ahead. Not doom and gloom, but preparedness for possible triggers. For her it is her grief; for me it is being stable. I am going to be a grandma. I have to be ok. I do not pressure myself though but feel I am making progress with 10 steps ahead and 3 steps back. At least I am getting somewhere, where I do not know.

But it was a good day! Not just because I got a lot done, I got a lot done because I felt better after sharing my difficutlities. I hope and pray all of you have more people than I do to rely on. I am down to my daughter, my mom (limited)) and my newest friend from Safe Haven who calls or emails the days she is working. Poor thing, my life is crazy. The ups and downs of the last few weeks has been incredible and she is my main go to lately. I also have my new old therapist. We are supposed to start inner child work this week. Wish me luck! I like her and she knows much of my pain and grief and is experrienced in dealing with traumatic childhoods.

May is almost over! I havent met my goal to blog about mental health awareness month as much as I had planned but life. I have to take care of me and share as I am able. No apologies, no regrets.

Have hope dear readers and I bid you well wishes of peace love light and joy

Victoria

The importance of a support team…

Ten oclock here and it has been a rough day, week on many levels. When I do not blog it is because I just cannot share my pain here even or I am traveling, which is usually planned.

I am struggling again and I do not know why. I begged the heavens for help. Already met with my therapist for another matter and then something else in family sprung up. The sister of my husband suffered an episode this week and had to be hospitalized. Thank God she is getting help but I have not been ok this week so as I was trying to help my husband get her help I was like to myself that I need help too! But I cannot share with him when I am like this so even though he asked I said I was fine. I dont want to burden anybody ever. I try not to have drama…

An angel came to my aid today in the form of my daughter again. She still lives with me but will be moving out soon which is good but will miss her happy presence all day as she works from home mostly. I waited until she got done with work and said those words to her that I have been saying to myself. ~I am not ok and havent been for several days. She knew what to do and offered suggestions.

I have not been exercising this week because life has been so crazy. I exercised and felt better soon after. I did not reach for the bottle but did eat some sugar. I ran out of my chocolate stash this week and was craving wine. Wine does not help when I am not ok and my daughter reminded me.

This took courage to reach out to somebody and I am giving myself props for leaning on my support team. If things dont get better soon will reach out to my pdoc but for now am going to not let life get in the way of exercise. I read somewhere that you should spend at least 20 minutes outdoors a day and on busy days at least an hour. Getting outside and exercising for just 10 minutes lifted my mood and was able to do some housework and finally blog all this off my chest…

I wonder sometimes if I want to know the future especially when I have hard days coming. I do not but need to be better prepared for when I am not feeling ok…

peace love light and joy to all of you

Victoria