Welcome to my brain…

Musing today about much, good and bad. It has been a restful day mixed with attempts at activity some of it with completion. I didn’t sleep well, got woken up by the gardener next door. Tired from the hoeing yesterday but did manage to get a few things done in the garden.

I am really negative right now but am fighting complaining. So much good has happened today; daughter got promoted to paralegal in training, started sponsoring an 11 yr old boy in Africa for his education (it’s legit) and ate well, took a power nap, relaxed in the garden, cleaned the kitchen for 20 minutes and made dinner. So why do I feel fucked up in the head?

Could be because I haven’t been attending my mental health groups because a participant with 32 identities triggers my delusions so I have stopped going. They/them are very confusing relating to the topic of the group their struggles with all the identities. Makes me think wow I’m glad don’t have that; but then again maybe I do. Do you see my dilemma?

The support of the groups was nice but unfortunately don’t see another way to get around this huge trigger. I do feel there are two me’s at times, the wild one and the reasonable one. Still seeking the wise one. It is eluding…

All the voices in my mind are calling across the line.

Why does life have to be so hard? I was so happy yesterday but feeling paranoid and slightly delusional today but not psychotic thank goodness.

I feel like I am losing everything, so I plead with God and the Universe for help on this mental health journey. My dad is fading away, dear friends, mental health groups that were promising…

But I choose to be brave and keep going no matter what until I draw my final breath in hopefully many many years.

I comfort myself with becoming a grandma in Oct, a great relationship with my mom and dad, my new child in Africa, the gardening I will do tomorrow afternoon and for no financial stress at the moment.

Struggles with mental health are real my friends. But life is worth living~Justin Bieber love you<3

pax

Victoria

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