Exciting news…

Still in vigil mode, my dad is hanging on for now and I’ll take every second.

Since I am so overcome with grief and the long process of death I have decided to take advantage of this down time and write and work on a few projects to take my mind off of my dad and his ultimate death… interesting it will be to see how he helps me from heaven.

Anyway, so I am working on downloading some files and getting a new laptop (currently on daughter’s at 23% so we shall see how long this blog is). I’m gonna have to make payments but really need one bad for many things. But that is not the exciting news getting a new computer. No the good news is that I am really putting a lot of effort into this new ebook. I have already written the dedication of course to my dad and now I am going to work on getting the content cleaned up. Already transferred files to email from old laptop so there is one thing done.

I have a lot to do and can’t really get started until I get my new laptop. I am looking for suggestions for titles. I want to keep it short and to point but catchy too. As usual a portion of all profits will go to my favorite foundation, CureSZ. My dad taught me to set high goals and to meet them so I am really hoping for some success right now with this ebook. Of course all the content is now available under May series coping skills unlimited, through the search feature or at the top bar.

For the ebook though I am really going to try to organize it better and give it my very best. I can’t do a lot right now but writing is good so wish me luck!

Best

peace love light and joy

pax

Victoria

Invisible lines…

Family dynamics can be a topic of great interest. My family is coming together in a big way surrounding my dad with love near his death.

But the unspoken words and invisible lines baffles me. We say things now when one is passing but what about to the ones still here in good health? What about the ones with a mental health disorder who are also empaths? What about the ones who fear death? Choices is all I can say.

I am glad I am not the focus right now. But I am deeply affected by grief and my dad keeps going. Indomitable man is he.

Today was not a good day. But I am starting to work on a new old project. I have decided to put all my hard work with May series coping skills unlimited into an ebook on Amazon. I need a distraction and this is it.

I can’t even really talk right now, drive, drink, or be without music. I’m suffering but feeling bad for my father too. Lots of journaling and quiet reflection.

I will be ok when he passes. But until then I am staying in my little shell 🐚

Peace love light and joy

Pax

Victoria

On pause…even this disorder lies in waiting…

This world 🌎 is so strange right now…my dad is dying, any moment now, and covid has changed everything! Zoom instead of people coming over. Ah so what? We were still together. Covid cannot stop love ❤️

I am avoiding many things right now: driving, social media, certain family and wine. In that order, but making sure I take care of myself. Sleep, food, water! Exercise is minimal but don’t feel like doing much.

I’m being gentle with myself the best I can ! Today is my baby boy s 22 birthday 🎂! My daughter and I made it special and even just helped him make a wonderful meal. Clean up is done and my dad didn’t pass on his birthday!

God is good! I am also taking a break from blogging the next part of the series negative and cognitive symptoms. But if you want to read past blogs about anything including the fore mentioned. Just use the search bar to the left of this pages title.

Will still check in but so overcome by grief I don’t know if this makes sense but even my disorder waits on hold . Very clear thinking about much but still some confusion too. No positive symptoms not even delusional. Going to start some new projects once life continues.

For now thank you for holding this space with me! Peace love light and joy 🥲

Pax

Victoria

Morning musings Monday…

It’s a fine day here in California, USA. I greet the day with open arms and welcome all that the day has to offer. My intention for this week is to be kind. But I want more although that is a great start. I want to take risks and change things up, clearing away negative energy and putting light love peace and joy instead.

Small goals I know but achievable step by step. Today starts with a blog with my plan for the week because without a plan I will get minimal done and I want to achieve a lot because the world is my oyster.

Be kind

to me, to others, to all animals

Move more~

Yoga

Walking with my doggie

stretching

good food~

good drink~

less coffee

more h20

These are my basic goals. In addition I want to make lavender goat milk soap and garden. I also want to do some more shadow work and play with my crystals and spend time learning more about them.

How will I get there? Well this is a great start to my week mapping it out on here. Today is a day at home with much to be done yet will pace myself with relaxation along the day or way:)

I am excited anyway to have goals for breaking my habit of sitting all day! Of course I have the notion that I am wise and that sitting all day meditating, listening to upbeat music, drinking coffee, vaping and little social media all day makes me some sort of wise old woman. People come visit me and my pups are always at my side. Incense or candles burn or both. I am at peace at these times but have to remember to eat. Not too hungry these days…

peace love light and joy

pax

Victoria

A rest day to ponder my insanity…

I have done things I can only smile about or else I’ll cry 😭 running off to New York at age 18. Choosing drugs over life. Finding God! He was lost to me…jumping out of airplanes ✈️, living homeless by choice .

Fun life but settled down with only brief moments of insanity thanks 🙏 God

Pax

Victoria

Death awaits…

Still holding light vigil for my dad. Thank you for any prayers for his eminent transition. I am thinking it will be January. So I am somber but also use humor to deflect dark thoughts about death and how much he is currently suffering. Peace be with you dearest dad, my love for you is sure and this pain I do feel.

How blessed we all are to be able to watch the sunset from wherever we are. Tonight’s will be glorious. A premonition of sorts for February, the month when things will get better.

Peace, love, light and joy

pax

Victoria

Deep in thought tonight…

But sanely astute and ready for what the night may bring…

Holding light vigil for my dad these days. He is slowly dying but I pray he can be out of his suffering and pass on to a better eternal life..

Shit! Fuck! This sucks. I said once I would never pray for someone to die again. But here I am holding that prayer..as he is in so much pain.

God bless you daddy and I don’t mind at All you love Cheryl too! Great news! I feel strongly he will pass this month.

God bless and good night!

Wishing could appreciate more the time with my dad. Love them now. Time is never guaranteed.

Peace love light and joy

Victoria

Late night blog…

Hot tea, incense burning, lavender oil on pillow, and hand lotion, music so pretty, winding down for the night but it has been a crazy sort of day…

Melt down, recovering still, must be gentle with myself…

My best friend knows and is praying 🙏

No voices no messages and grateful for that!

I toy with danger at times and last night I got too close to the flames 🔥

Tonight it’s a 180’ turn

Much better and not bored

Good night 💤

Peace love light and joy

Pax

Victoria

God is love…

And love is everything. In our love for the source of all that is good! Love must permeate my every action and belief.

I believe in an equal world 🌎 for all nations, genders, sexuality or lack thereof, religions, religious and atheists too! And to all who believe in communicating with the dead and God.

Bless you all! Every country, all people!

Namaste peace love light and joy

Pax

Victoria

Schizophrenia/ Schizoaffective Disorder Education Part 1…

I am not a medical professional and will not diagnose or treat anyone. This blog is meant to be narrative and educational at the same time. But it is not a substitute for real psychiatric care.

Schizophrenia is the gift I received in April 2006. Schizophrenia is loss of touch with reality. I had rare insights into my condition after 2 years of being psychotic. In 2008, I diagnosed myself with the help of the internet. A few months later my psychiatrist fine-tuned my diagnosis to schizoaffective disorder which is schizophrenia plus depression and other markers.

The years of 2006 and 2008 were full of good and bad memories. I experienced positive symptoms during this time. Positive symptoms are hallucinations( hearing and seeing things that aren’t there) hearing voices, psychotic and delusional. It was a wonderful scary time… Mixed with voices from Jesus and Mary, many messages, but I am getting ahead of myself, let me back up.

There are 3 types of symptoms with schizophrenia, positive (as described above), negative and cognitive symptoms. I will talk more about negative and cognitive symptoms in part 2 of this series.

I have not had positive symptoms for many years. Haven’t heard voices since 2007 but have been delusional as that is the hardest symptom to get rid of. I have written much about these times and will be posting some links soon or feel free to use the search feature located to the left of my title. You might try psychotic, delusional, or negative symptoms for example and a blog will come up that might interest you..

Yesterday celebrated 29 years of marriage to the same man ha ha. And this part of January is the anniversary of getting help at UCLA in 2008, 13 years ago. So lots to celebrate.

More to come so follow me to get the next part to this series. I have a paperwork trail to attend to for some financial stuff so will post part 2 early next week.

Questions are welcome! I am a bit disorganized (cognitive symptom) but not going to let that stop me from trying to help others understand this disorder. Feel free to email me at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com at my private email with any questions, comments, or to just say hi and if you do be sure to let me know where you are from. I am in California!

Hoping and praying for USA and the whole world!

peace, love light and joy

pax

Victoria