At a much better place…

I must live my life in a way that honors my dad. I must move on although my daily visits have ensued I gladly report.

But life, which has halted in many ways, now must no longer be stagnant but instead full of life and vigor…

this is possible…

the answer lies within us all as to what kind of life we want to live and how we can achieve it fully. People can serve as our guides along the way but in reality we know only if we are willing to look deep within ourselves and no longer fear what we see.

This introspection must continue with a sense of urgency as we are not promised tomorrow. And then we must look outward to help others, by prayer, by action, by talking about what is most important which on here is mental health.

I am currently actively seeking a zen life coach. I love this way of life and am curious to see if I have found one that feels I am a good fit. Interestingly enough I did not mention to him that I have a brain/mental health disorder. I really hate labels but my medicine gives it away. More on this later.

For now I want to focus on my questions that I have for my possible new zen life coach…

  1. How is it possible to detach (in my case from my dad) yet still care?
  2. How is my body possibly being affected by this anticipatory grief and my mind?
  3. I seek balance,especially in my daily routine, how can I find it with my many obligations?

Those are my starter questions.

It is evening right now and I have much on my mind.

peace love light and joy

pax

Victoria

Housekeeping…

Hey, Victoria here on a rainy day in California which is putting me in a really good mood. More on that later.

For this site I am going to be organizing it over the next month. Adding, deleting and creating some new series. As usual I am open to any ideas. For now please use the search feature for any topic that might interest you and I just may have blogged about it.

For instance for my bio just search that. Other areas that I find most popular are my Schizophrenia love journey with many parts, May series coping skills unlimited and more dating back to 2013.

Indexing this site has been the best ten bucks a month I have spent yet on this blog! We are doing ok right now financially especially since I’m not driving until my dad passes which may be ??? Still holding vigil.

God knows…

So that’s my plan for now. I am also very busy since yesterday with organizing many areas of my life. House, diet, cooking, cleaning, financial baloney and more.

I am not going to let the ultimate passing of my dear dad to stop me from being productive. I have grieved for 5 years so must now do what he would want and go on with my life.

I am also looking for a new therapist. I really think it is important to have one if one is diagnosed with a serious mental health disorder like me.

My current one who I am firing today just isn’t meeting my needs but making me feel worse. I won’t tell her that though, just that I am moving on because she has helped me a lot through my anticipatory grief.

My schizophrenia is acting up right now. I know what I am going to do. But that is a blog for another day.

pax

Victoria

How you doing tonight?

I am still looking up to Him who made heaven and earth…

I see signs everywhere, and anyone can if they are open to all that God wants to communicate to them, sometimes it is a simple flower or angel number that brings me peace and hope for better times to come.

Today is windy. It frightens me and my daughter. So fierce, not benign. Gusty and cold. an ugly day but I refuse to let the wind control my mood. I will be happy if I choose it but today I choose to be sad with my dad barely hanging on by a prayer.

I love to write. I have written books, articles, now an ebook and going to work on my next ebook too after this blog. I must stay busy. I am not strong. But I have faith that God will hold me up when my dad passes into eternal life and rest. I cry every time I talk to him as it may be the last time we get to say I love you.

Ah, but this is meant to be an uplifting blog.

Let’s do a check in

Physical- have you eaten good healthy food? Have you gotten your rest? Have you taken your meds and supplements? My answer is yes to all. Currently sipping on a kale banana blueberry smoothie! Movement- not much here for me. Too cold to go for a walk but I know how important this is so will be getting in some exercise whether it be yoga or walking with leslie sansone.

Mental- meds yes, therapy scheduled for Wed, psychiatrist appointment scheduled, journaling and blogging to help me get out of my head for a minute, supplements are a must

Spiritual- I pray right now because I haven’t prayed much today except for in the morning when I first wake up I sit for 5 minutes with a cup of coffee and just thank and praise God for being alive. There is always something to be grateful for! I am grateful for my family right now and my best friends.

So overall I am doing pretty good minus the exercise. I’m thinking gentle yoga. How are you doing? Do a body scan if needed and see where your stress lies. Mine rests in my hands and the pit of my stomach. Holding a crystal helps and eating regularly healthy food helps too.

I did publish my first ebook this morning. I will share the link on here but seriously all the content is already on this blog so feel free to peruse May series coping skills unlimited for some good reading. right now all I can do is a few of the practices due to my state of being with my dad. But I can meditate, walk, pray, eat healthy and write. There will be time for the other activities once my dad passes.

Leaving you all with good thoughts tonight or today.

peace, love light and joy

pax

Victoria

Exciting news…

Still in vigil mode, my dad is hanging on for now and I’ll take every second.

Since I am so overcome with grief and the long process of death I have decided to take advantage of this down time and write and work on a few projects to take my mind off of my dad and his ultimate death… interesting it will be to see how he helps me from heaven.

Anyway, so I am working on downloading some files and getting a new laptop (currently on daughter’s at 23% so we shall see how long this blog is). I’m gonna have to make payments but really need one bad for many things. But that is not the exciting news getting a new computer. No the good news is that I am really putting a lot of effort into this new ebook. I have already written the dedication of course to my dad and now I am going to work on getting the content cleaned up. Already transferred files to email from old laptop so there is one thing done.

I have a lot to do and can’t really get started until I get my new laptop. I am looking for suggestions for titles. I want to keep it short and to point but catchy too. As usual a portion of all profits will go to my favorite foundation, CureSZ. My dad taught me to set high goals and to meet them so I am really hoping for some success right now with this ebook. Of course all the content is now available under May series coping skills unlimited, through the search feature or at the top bar.

For the ebook though I am really going to try to organize it better and give it my very best. I can’t do a lot right now but writing is good so wish me luck!

Best

peace love light and joy

pax

Victoria

Invisible lines…

Family dynamics can be a topic of great interest. My family is coming together in a big way surrounding my dad with love near his death.

But the unspoken words and invisible lines baffles me. We say things now when one is passing but what about to the ones still here in good health? What about the ones with a mental health disorder who are also empaths? What about the ones who fear death? Choices is all I can say.

I am glad I am not the focus right now. But I am deeply affected by grief and my dad keeps going. Indomitable man is he.

Today was not a good day. But I am starting to work on a new old project. I have decided to put all my hard work with May series coping skills unlimited into an ebook on Amazon. I need a distraction and this is it.

I can’t even really talk right now, drive, drink, or be without music. I’m suffering but feeling bad for my father too. Lots of journaling and quiet reflection.

I will be ok when he passes. But until then I am staying in my little shell 🐚

Peace love light and joy

Pax

Victoria

On pause…even this disorder lies in waiting…

This world 🌎 is so strange right now…my dad is dying, any moment now, and covid has changed everything! Zoom instead of people coming over. Ah so what? We were still together. Covid cannot stop love ❤️

I am avoiding many things right now: driving, social media, certain family and wine. In that order, but making sure I take care of myself. Sleep, food, water! Exercise is minimal but don’t feel like doing much.

I’m being gentle with myself the best I can ! Today is my baby boy s 22 birthday 🎂! My daughter and I made it special and even just helped him make a wonderful meal. Clean up is done and my dad didn’t pass on his birthday!

God is good! I am also taking a break from blogging the next part of the series negative and cognitive symptoms. But if you want to read past blogs about anything including the fore mentioned. Just use the search bar to the left of this pages title.

Will still check in but so overcome by grief I don’t know if this makes sense but even my disorder waits on hold . Very clear thinking about much but still some confusion too. No positive symptoms not even delusional. Going to start some new projects once life continues.

For now thank you for holding this space with me! Peace love light and joy 🥲

Pax

Victoria

Morning musings Monday…

It’s a fine day here in California, USA. I greet the day with open arms and welcome all that the day has to offer. My intention for this week is to be kind. But I want more although that is a great start. I want to take risks and change things up, clearing away negative energy and putting light love peace and joy instead.

Small goals I know but achievable step by step. Today starts with a blog with my plan for the week because without a plan I will get minimal done and I want to achieve a lot because the world is my oyster.

Be kind

to me, to others, to all animals

Move more~

Yoga

Walking with my doggie

stretching

good food~

good drink~

less coffee

more h20

These are my basic goals. In addition I want to make lavender goat milk soap and garden. I also want to do some more shadow work and play with my crystals and spend time learning more about them.

How will I get there? Well this is a great start to my week mapping it out on here. Today is a day at home with much to be done yet will pace myself with relaxation along the day or way:)

I am excited anyway to have goals for breaking my habit of sitting all day! Of course I have the notion that I am wise and that sitting all day meditating, listening to upbeat music, drinking coffee, vaping and little social media all day makes me some sort of wise old woman. People come visit me and my pups are always at my side. Incense or candles burn or both. I am at peace at these times but have to remember to eat. Not too hungry these days…

peace love light and joy

pax

Victoria

A rest day to ponder my insanity…

I have done things I can only smile about or else I’ll cry 😭 running off to New York at age 18. Choosing drugs over life. Finding God! He was lost to me…jumping out of airplanes ✈️, living homeless by choice .

Fun life but settled down with only brief moments of insanity thanks 🙏 God

Pax

Victoria

Death awaits…

Still holding light vigil for my dad. Thank you for any prayers for his eminent transition. I am thinking it will be January. So I am somber but also use humor to deflect dark thoughts about death and how much he is currently suffering. Peace be with you dearest dad, my love for you is sure and this pain I do feel.

How blessed we all are to be able to watch the sunset from wherever we are. Tonight’s will be glorious. A premonition of sorts for February, the month when things will get better.

Peace, love, light and joy

pax

Victoria

Deep in thought tonight…

But sanely astute and ready for what the night may bring…

Holding light vigil for my dad these days. He is slowly dying but I pray he can be out of his suffering and pass on to a better eternal life..

Shit! Fuck! This sucks. I said once I would never pray for someone to die again. But here I am holding that prayer..as he is in so much pain.

God bless you daddy and I don’t mind at All you love Cheryl too! Great news! I feel strongly he will pass this month.

God bless and good night!

Wishing could appreciate more the time with my dad. Love them now. Time is never guaranteed.

Peace love light and joy

Victoria